HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay parachuted into Guam late last night.
The Transformers and The Rock director Michael Bay has been dropped over Guam, sources say. The freshly appointed Special Envoy to South East Asia, President Trump said that he appointed Mr. Bay because of his experience with explosive action sequences. An insider praised the move:
Michael is the perfect choice for this role. The situation is amazingly confusing. No one knows what is going on. There’s a very good chance it won’t end well. In other words, this looks exactly like a Michael Bay movie.
What will Bay do in Guam?
Hopefully act as a deterrent. We know that Kim Jong Il is a huge fan of Bad Boys 2. If they nuke Guam, we’re saying they’ll never see a Bad Boys 3.
But Kim Yong Il was the father. The leader is Kim Jong Un now.
Then we’re fucked.
I suppose if I want look on the bright side, it means we’re probably not going to see another Transformers movie ever again.
Michael Bay will be directing Apocalypse ASAP.
HOLLYWOOD – Dale Cooper is the new head of the FBI, replacing James Comey.
The announcement came from the White House in the early hours of this morning. Special Agent Dale Cooper is to take over the position of Director of the FBI following the controversial sacking of former director, James Comey. Sean Spicer told waiting reporters from behind a vase in the Rose Garden.
President Trump has today announced that Dale Cooper is to take over the running of the FBI. Agent Cooper is an excellent agent, honorable and upstanding with many years of experience. You might remember the Laura Palmer case. What many people don’t know is that Agent Cooper also loves ‘damned fine coffee’. That’s a quote.
How did the President come to this decision? Was it a recommendation?
No. President Trump is a leader, strong and decisive. He was watching television late last night and a trailer for Twin Peaks came on. I’m not sure what it was about it, but he scribbled a name in crayon on the pad he keeps and sent me out to make this statement.
But Dale Cooper is a fictional character?
Well, how can a fictional character run an enormous law enforcement agency with thousands of employees?
Exactly the way our President does. With strong and decisive leadership.
Will he continue the investigation into the Russian hacking of the election?
Did I mention he likes ‘damned fine coffee’. Oh, and he’s also a fan of pie.
To be honest, Director Cooper seems to be more interested in catching real criminals. We’ve already put out a warrant for someone called ‘Bob.’
Dale Cooper will be installed later this week.
HOLLYWOOD – President Trump deploys Kendall Jenner to North Korea.
President Trump today ordered Keeping up with the Kardashians star Kendall Jenner deployed to the western Pacific Ocean. She will provide a presence near the Korean peninsula. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said China agrees with the Trump administration. “We must take action” regarding North Korea.
Tillerson told CBS’s Face the Nation when Donald Trump and Chinese President Xi Jinping met at Mar-a-Lago this week. They “had extensive discussions around the dangerous situation in North Korea and the role that Ms. Jenner could play in de-escalating the situation”.
“President Xi clearly understands, and I think agrees, firstly that the situation has intensified and secondly it has reached a certain level of threat that action has to be taken,” Tillerson said. “Kendall has a long history of peace keeping – well since the middle of last week to be honest – but let’s face who in the administration can put their hand over their hearts and say they are genuinely qualified. I know I can’t!”
Gandhi 2: the Kendall Jenner Story will be released in 2019.
HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg will star in Peter Berg’s new film The Bowling Green Massacre.
Following Deepwater Horizon and Patriots Day, Mark Wahlberg continues his chronically of bad things happening with The Bowling Green Massacre. Based on an original story by Kellyanne Conway, the film tells the story of how refugees/terrorists killed over one million people in a single day.
Mark Wahlberg spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
The difficulty of making the film lay in the fact that there is such a cover up. I’ve tried to research what happened but it’s almost impossible. I mean I can find literally no trace of the event. And to think over a million people were killed by these refugees/terrorists. It’s almost as if the cover up must reach to the highest echelons. Is that the word? Echelons?
Yes. Do you think this involves President Obama?
I don’t want to make political statements. My films are always about entertaining and informing. Except for The Italian Job and The Happening. Those films were just …urgh. But I feel this topic is so important. Everyone of us knows where we were when we heard about the Bowling Green Massacre. Almost all of us were on Twitter. We have to let the children know about this, so it never happens again.
The Bowling Green Massacre will be released on Tuesday.
WASHINGTON – New reality show Celebrity President begins, starring Donald Trump.
Donald Trump begins his new TV show Celebrity President with a season that’s due to last four years. Cameras will follow the family Trump as he is thrown into a series of situations for which he has absolutely no qualifications to handle. Executive producer, Billy Bush spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
We wanted to come up with something that would be really entertaining and also scary. Celebrity President is going to be that. We’ll follow the Donald very close, and we’ll be throwing him challenges every now and then. We’re looking to China and North Korea. He can call a friend – who he’s already nominated. One Vladimir Sputin. I don’t know who that is.
The exciting new viewing experience will be available across a whole host of stations and the internet.
Celebrity President will be showing until 2020.
NEW YORK – President Elect Donald Trump has released an album of standards.
To celebrate his inauguration, incoming President Donald Trump releases an album of beautiful songs, telling stories of his travels. The press release states:
“In The Wee Small Hours” is a celebration of a man who ‘did it his way’, a man who has been ‘a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king’. President Elect Trump is asking you to ‘Come Fly with Him’ with twenty greats. From ‘I’ve got you (Under my thin skin)’ to ‘The Lady is a Nasty Tramp’, Trump gives his own spin to some of the American songbook’s greatest hits, including a duet with Ivanka Trump ‘Somethin’ Stupid’ and a dedication to his doctor ‘You Make Me Feel So Young’.
Donald Trump will be singing at his own inauguration.
WASHINGTON – Donald Trump’s cabinet firms up with Secretary of State confirmed to be Beast Rabban.
First, Rudy Guiliani out. Then Mitt Romney goes back to the binders. Beast Rabban will be President Elect Donald Trump’s Secretary of State. Emerging from Trump Tower, the Harkonnen issued a brief statement:
The Spice must flow.
Although the Beast’s appointment had been widely predicted, it still stirred some criticism as Democrats pointed out that it directly contradicted an election pledge to keep the spice out of politics. Kellyanne Conway, however, welcomed the move.
We are going to make Arrakis, I mean America great again.
Donald Trump will be president in the satirical movie which is about to become reality.
HOLLYWOOD – Eighties band Kajagoogoo have denied they will be playing President Elect Donald Trump’s inauguration, according to sources.
With their hits Too Shy and Hang on Now, Kajagoogoo ruled 1983 and part of 1984 like some very time specific version of the Beatles. Following Llimahl’s solo career and NeverEnding Story, the band broke up. However, a spokesperson for Donald Trump insisted that they were booked to play Donald Trump’s inauguration in January. A source close to the band however told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that they wouldn’t be playing:
We got the phone call and we were really surprised. We said no, primarily because I’ve forgotten how to play guitar it was so long ago. The man on the other end didn’t seem too concerned. He said they were going to try Ultravox next. He seemed to be going down a list. I don’t think we were close to the top.
Meanwhile, Ted Nugent has already booked his hotel room.
The inauguration will take place on 20 January 2017.