MARK WAHLBERG TO STAR IN BOWLING GREEN MASSACRE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg will star in Peter Berg’s new film The Bowling Green Massacre.

Following Deepwater Horizon and Patriots Day, Mark Wahlberg continues his chronically of bad things happening with The Bowling Green Massacre. Based on an original story by Kellyanne Conway, the film tells the story of how refugees/terrorists killed over one million people in a single day.

Mark Wahlberg spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The difficulty of making the film lay in the fact that there is such a cover up. I’ve tried to research what happened but it’s almost impossible. I mean I can find literally no trace of the event. And to think over a million people were killed by these refugees/terrorists. It’s almost as if the cover up must reach to the highest echelons. Is that the word? Echelons?

Yes. Do you think this involves President Obama?

I don’t want to make political statements. My films are always about entertaining and informing. Except for The Italian Job and The Happening. Those films were just …urgh. But I feel this topic is so important. Everyone of us knows where we were when we heard about the Bowling Green Massacre. Almost all of us were on Twitter. We have to let the children know about this, so it never happens again.

The Bowling Green Massacre will be released on Tuesday.

DONALD TRUMP VOWS TO CONTROL THE SPICE MELANGE

WASHINGTON – Donald Trump has sent shock waves through the political establishment by swearing to take complete control of the Spice Melange and by extension the ability to navigate the known universe.

We have got used to Donald Trump’s shock and awe political campaign but today he came out with perhaps the biggest pronouncement so far of the presumptive Republican nominee for president: to control the Spice Melange.

Speaking at a rally in Arkansas, Mr. Trump said:

Everyone’s talking about the oil. The oil. We need oil. And then there’s all the climate change hysterics talking about renewables, but one of these bozos know how the world works the way I do. What we as a country have to understand is that whoever controls the Spice, controls the universe. With the Spice the Navigators Guild will bow to our every demand and the Galactic Empire will become the US Empire. It’ll be beautiful. And so it is for this reason that on my first day in office I will be ordering the invasion of Arakis and the taking of the Spice. Let’s make Arakis great again!

The statement increased suspicion that Mr. Trump’s campaign was being unduly influenced by his Harkonnen family ties. A visibly angry President Obama took the unusual decision to intervene in the ongoing electoral campaign:

Everybody knows that the planet Arakis has been controlled by the Atreides family for as long as we can remember. And Mr. Trump believes that we’re just going to waltz in and take it away from him? How? With what? We don’t have any interplanetary space ships. We can’t ride sand worms. The Fremen our hostile to our intentions. So how is this going to happen? And if he thinks that we haven’t thought about it, then he is sorely mistaken.

The President went on to address some of Mr. Trump’s criticisms of his own policy and language:

And let me say this. His continued insistence that I use the word Dune when describing Arakis is doing more damage to our relations with the rest of the Galaxy than anything else he has come out with so far.

For more on Donald Trump, click here.

PRESIDENT OBAMA TO REPLACE TREVOR NOAH ON THE DAILY SHOW

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama is to take over from Trevor Noah as host of the Daily Show early next year.

Following eight massively successful gigs at the Annual Correspondents Dinner in Washington President Obama is ready for the big time. Ever since Jon Stewart left, The Daily Show has been treading water. South African host Trevor Noah has valiantly tried to take on what many saw as an impossible job, but now it looks as though he was basically keeping the seat warm as President Obama finished his official duties.

President Obama spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

I won’t deny it. I’ve really enjoyed the times I’ve been allowed to let loose with some jokes. The dinners have been the highlight of my presidency. I mean Killing Osama Bin Laden was one thing, but killing it is another thing altogether.

Who are your comic heroes?

Well, I won’t deny that I am a huge fan of Jon Stewart obviously, but I also go back to Richard Pryor as my all out hero. He is the best. Bill Hicks and Louis CK as well as George Carlin are close but it is Richie who really got me into listening to comedy albums. He’s just so raw and true. And he’s lived the life if you know what I mean.

The Daily Show with Barack Obama will broadcast in January 2017.

 

PRESIDENT OBAMA BANS COLDPLAY FROM THE US

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama today issued an Executive Order which bans the British ‘rock’ group Coldplay from all US territories.

In an unprecedented move, President Obama has formally banned the ‘music’ group Coldplay from the USA. In a statement the White House said:

President Barack Obama has looked with some concern on the rise of the British music guitar based pop group Coldplay for some time. Their dull noodlings have a stultifying effect on culture general and so with some regret the President has taken the step of issuing a ban denying visas and entrance to Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland and Will Champion and whoever will in the future be a member of the group to the country.

In an interview with the Studio Exec, President Obama said:

They’re just so awful. The last straw however was the halftime show at the Superbowl. It was bad enough that those glasses of milk had to drag Beyonce down with them. At that point I knew I had to do something. But it isn’t just music, scientists have concluded that the group contribute to global warming just by being so tedious.

Coldplay were unavailable for comment.

PRESIDENT OBAMA ASKS TO SEE DONALD TRUMP’S DICK CERTIFICATE

WASHINGTON – In an unprecendented intervention in the Republican nomination primaries, President Barack Obama has asked to see Donald Trump’s dick certificate.

The call came from the White House following the last Republican debate in which the ex-reality star Donald Trump seemed to imply that his penis was of normal size or perhaps a little larger.

The President however, apparently stung by Trump’s insistence on seeing Barack Obama’s birth certificate, replied that it wasn’t enough for Mr. Trump to assert that he has a normal or slightly larger than normal schlong.

I think, and I believe the American people would agree with me, that the next Commander in Chief must be as good as his or her word. If they make a claim that is easily verifiable then that must be verified. If Hillary Clinton has to publish her emails and I have to produce my birth certificate, then it is only right that Mr. Trump produce evidence – a dick certificate if you will – that he has it where it counts.

Mr. Trump has failed to respond but a hashtag trending on Twitter calls for the mogul to whip it out. Ted Cruz replied that size wasn’t important and Marco Rubio has suggested that they all wear no trousers to the next debate, saying that ‘he believed in complete transparency’.

13 HOURS REVEALS OBAMA’S KEY BENGHAZI ROLE

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay’s new film 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi features a scene in which the President of the United States Barack Obama is portrayed as leading the attack against the US compound.

Action director Michael Bay’s new film about the Benghazi attack  – 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – has caused controversy for a scene which clearly shows President Obama organizing and leading the attack against the US compound.

Michael Bay defended his film to the Studio Exec, saying:

We have carefully researched the events leading up to and including the attack on the compound. Until now we have always thought that there were a series of mistakes prior to the attack and then following it, lies and media manipulation about what happened. Now we also know that President Obama personally organised the attack and himself donned a disguise and took part in the assault against US forces.

Oh my God!

I know. We were happy to give him and Hillary Clinton a fair shake, but this evidence is too damning.

So what evidence do you have?

Well, at first none. But as we were going over the footage that we had gathered of the demonstrations and what not we began to see a figure who looked familiar. The quality of the images weren’t great and then it occurred to me, if giant robots can disguise themselves as cars and trucks, why can’t a US President – this US President – disguise himself as a terrorist and carry out his secret plan?

That’s the evidence?

It all came together. It all makes sense.

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi is released Thursday.

US CARBON EMISSIONS COULD BE HALVED IF DONALD TRUMP SHUT UP

PARIS – It was revealed today in Paris that US Carbon Emissions could effectively be halved if Presidential hopeful Donald Trump could be persuaded to shut up.

World leaders have united to pressure President Obama to cut US carbon emissions by asking Donald Trump to shut up. Following a scientific report that proved that the hot air coming out of Trump’s giant maw was having a significant effect on the world’s climate, leaders from all over the world including Vladimir Putin, Francois Hollande and David Cameron have united to ask Obama if there was anything he could do. But President Obama sounded a note of caution:

First thing, we are facing a historic opportunity here just as we are facing dangers which have never been so clear or so present, but what we need are solutions that exist within the realm of the possible and getting Donald Trump to shut up is just not one of those. How I wish it was not the case.

The Paris Climate Conference continues.

ZACH BRAFF TO BE ILLEGAL

HOLLYWOOD – In a move which legislators say is a big step forward in the battle against climate change, Zach Braff has been made illegal.

Environmental groups have welcomed the legislation which will see a legal moratorium placed on Zach Braff, halting a practice that Greenpeace have repeatedly called one of the most toxic and destructive industrial processes that we are currently perpetrating against our fragile eco system. The law – which will come into effect at midnight – was a rare example of bi-partisan co-operation in Washington and saw John Boehner joining President Obama and praising the President for ‘his firm leadership in making a historic decision’. The Anti-Zach Braff coalition were in jubilant mood last night and spokesperson Eduardo Chavez told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have a lot of battles ahead and there is no time to rest on our laurels, but it has to be said this is a momentous victory for the environmental movement.Zach Braff has been proved to released toxic chemicals into the water ways, devastate local environments, pollute the air and there has even been seismic activity that has been traced back to Zach Braff appearing in a film or on TV some where.

Long gone are the days that Zach Braff was seen as an alternative to carbon heavy fuels such as coal. When in Scrubs, Braff was hailed by Friends of the Earth as a possible alternative source of energy and was included in then candidate Obama’s stump speech as one of the ‘All of the Above’ options on the table to deal with the country’s energy requirements. But following Garden State and Wish You Were Here, a study by Cornell University revealed that Zach Braff was leaking methane, a greenhouse gas that was significantly more damaging to the atmosphere than the carbon it was claiming to offset.

Correction: where Zach Braff was written, it should have read Fracking.

 

NORTH KOREA NATIONAL DEFENCE COMMISSION STATEMENT IN FULL

HOLLYWOOD – The North Korean National Defence Commission issued a statement in response to President Obama and the FBI’s contention that they sponsored the Sony hack.

This is the statement in full:

Strange thing that happened in the heart of the U.S., the ill-famed cesspool of injustice, is now afloat in the world as shocking news. Sony the biggest producer of film and movie things has been hacked by the righteous opponents of Terrorist film, The Interview. President Obama is doing things, pulling off people who had nothing to with it and Mike Myers the Austin Powers man who plays his own nemesis was on SNL, proving once more that the funny things that come out from the front of his face are not as funny as he thought they were when he sat on his own in a room and thought about funny face front spewings. The US have sunk in their quagmire.

All of this came about because James Franco and Seth Rogen made a filmogram which viciously and evilly attacked the supreme leader of a sovereign nation – we’re talking Kim Jong-un here in case you were thinking, ‘what?’ First off, Pineapple Express was totally awesome and the DPRK would be totally blissful if they were to make a sequel of the stoner comedy highlight entertainment. But, no. Instead, they use their powers for comedy good, for political evil and make The Interview. We know for a fact that President Barack Obama directed the film in person, and even had his own chair with ‘Director – Barack Obama’ written on the back, for reals. This film includes a very funny scene of Seth Rogen sticking something up his posterior seat. If only Mr. Rogen had stuck up more things up his posterior seat and spent less time trying to make the commentary on the politics he knows nothing about.

Fortunately, film distributors in all the US states including Canada, which is the biggest US state, have banned the film, because they didn’t think it was any good. Likewise Sony have withdrawn it and this is all because of the work of The Guardians of the Galaxy. Chris Pratt can expect a nice big pie being brought to his room along with flowers of his choosing, courtesy of North Korea and the NBA’s Dennis Rodman.

The best thing that everyone could do now is like chill and stop with the who hacked who and all that confusion and worry. We at the DPRK are willing to let the things that go by to continue to have gone by without calling them back, if Sony agree to make a new Police Academy movie starring our Supreme Leader, side-by-side with Steve Guttenberg, but Steve Guttenberg will now have to be the sidekick. Because that is only what is right. Denis Rodman can do funny noises with his mouth and Chris Pratt can be in it too.

The U.S. should reflect on its evil doings that put itself in such a trouble, apologize to the Koreans and other people of the world and should not dare pull off others.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

GOP BACKS OBAMA OVER ‘FRIENDS’ FILM


WASHINGTON – The Republican party – in an unusual turn of events – have backed President Obama on the eve of his inauguration, offering its full support. The move follows President Obama’s comments concerning the new Friends movie adaptation, in which he stated: ‘I don’t know why they’re making it. The original series was good and I think they should leave well alone. Look what happened with Sex and the City.’
Both John Boehner and Mitch McConnell offered full support for any legislation that would block the film makers from proceeding. Boehner commented:

This is one of those rare occasion when the President will have full bipartisan support. After the trivial disagreements about the fiscal cliff and gun control, here is an issue that puts everything in perspective. Friends was and is an American institution and so it’s only right that we confront this problem not as Democrats or Republicans, but as Americans. 

However, the reaction from the White House suggest that talk of a grand alliance might be premature. 

President Obama was just making a remark and has no intention of framing legislation. 

For news on the Friends film CLICK HERE.
For news on Sex and the City 3 CLICK HERE

ROMNEY REFUSES LOHAN ENDORSEMENT

Get out of my face LOHAN! screams Mitt

UTAH – Mitt Romney has stunned the world of show business by publicly rejecting an endorsement from Lindsay Lohan. Romney in a statement released this evening said that ‘While I appreciate Ms. Lohan’s gesture and especially her early work when her face still looked normal, I feel that I must reject her endorsement as she is not the kind of voter I am looking for.’

‘Usually politicians do everything in their power to gain endorsements and win votes from whoever they can,’ says Herb Minkle political strategist and pollster. ‘Hollywood stars, public figures and athletes are particularly sough after, but in this case the Romney camp obviously felt Lindsay Lohan wasn’t so much an accident waiting to happen as an accident that had begun happening, was in the midst of happening and might continue happening for some time.’


The Obama camp have already begun to use Lindsay Lohan in a series of attack ads entitled ‘Don’t do a Lohan: Vote Obama!’

MITT ROMNEY “LET’S NUKE VIETNAM”



WASHINGTON – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney gave a press conference yesterday, outlining his own plans to deal with rogue director Michael Bay’s recent invasion of Vietnam.


“I think this situation has to be nipped in the bud pretty quickly,” said a statesmanlike Romney.

Bay is burrowed in the US Embassy in Saigon like an Alabama tick and unless we resort to extreme measures, his forces will spread into Cambodia, Laos and the rest of East Asia. This wanton aggression can no longer be tolerated and I firmly believe this maniac should be stopped in his tracks before it’s too late. President Obama has been shilly-shallying on this issue and his strategy, like his presidency, has been weak and ineffective. What this country needs is a strong leader who can make the tough decisions and if I were commander and chief, I would order a full scale nuclear strike on Bay’s position without delay.


Romney’s drastic plan was immediately dismissed by the White House as being “Fucking Stupid” and President Obama quickly organised his own press conference to assure the worlds media that he has his own plan to bring Bay to justice.

“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit,” said a pensive Obama.

“These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. We have a problem, and no one else can help, so if you can find them. Maybe we can hire the A-Team.”

With the politicians seemingly unable to agree on a strategy rumour has it that Hollywood has decided to take matters into its own hands and a special unit of actors, led by Sean Penn, has been smuggled over the Vietnamese border and are making their way to the capital.

For more news on the rapidly escalating conflict check out @studioexec1

SAMUEL L. JACKSON WILL COACH OBAMA FOR 2ND DEBATE

Snakes!
Wake the Fuck Up

WASHINGTON – Samuel L. Jackson has confirmed that he will coach President Barack Obama in preparation for his second debate with Governor Romney on October 16th.
The Long Kiss Goodnight and Snakes on the Plane actor said:

You can expect a lot more profanity that’s for damned sure. And a generally more aggressive approach, especially to foreign policy talking points. And if Romney tries any of that jive bullshit about the Presidential record, we gonna bitch slap that motherfucker with the latest unemployment figures and the fact Obama is the fucking Ninja who popped a cap in Osama Bin Laden’s eye hole.

Jackson has already contributed to the election with a special ‘Wake the Fuck Up’ video that became a viral internet hit.

Romney’s camp has responded that they will continue with their winning tactic of an intense torture porn diet (read here) and maybe let Mitt go one on one with Freddy Kreuger actor Robert Englund.

BOTH OBAMA AND ROMNEY BACK SANDLER STAY AT HOME BILL

WASHINGTON – Responding to a massive swell in popular opinion and a Kickstarter campaign, both President Obama and Governor Romney expressed their support for an ‘Adam Sandler Stay at Home Bill’ in the next legislature.

Bi-partisan support was expressed during the debate in Denver last night when moderator Jim Lehrer asked both candidates ‘What should be done about Sandler?’ For once the bickering and arguing stopped as both candidates pledged to oversee a law which would see the Jack and Jill comedian forced to stay at home ‘possibly reading magazines, why not?’ and not make movies.

‘Have either of you ever seen an Adam Sandler movie?’ Lehrer followed up. Romney looked pained and admitted to having seen one, ‘I was on a long flight,’ he pleaded.

Obama in his one gaffe of the night replied ‘Fuck no.’

Mr Sandler said that the whole thing was laughable and throughout his whole career he had successfully avoided anything that was laughable.