EWAN MCGREGOR ‘SECOND COMING OF CHRIST’

HOLLYWOOD – Following his recent ordination into the Catholic church (CLICK HERE to read more), Ewan McGregor has been fast tracked from priest to actual messiah.

The former Pillow Book star, Ewan McGregor was revealed to be the Second Coming of Christ during the filming of his new film Last Days in the Desert.

Co-star Ciaran Hinds told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY of how the final Revelation was revealed:

Everyone on the shoot was touched by what they saw. At first I thought Ewan was employing the method, he was sermonizing and talking in parables constantly – though a lot of it was about motorcycles – but then when the catering truck didn’t turn up on the seventh day, Ewan found a can of tuna and some crackers and somehow managed to whip up enough food to feed everyone. There weren’t five thousand, but still it was both impressive and delicious.

Although some have doubted the veracity of the miracles attributed to Ewan McGregor, Pope Francis himself seems to be convinced. Speaking at the Vatican, he told a delegation from Scotland:

In my opinion, Father Ewan McGregor has very many similarities with Jesus Christ. Jesus, you’ll remember, was crucified and died for our sins, but then on the third day he rose again. Ewan McGregor appeared in Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, but now he has made yet another film, rising in a very literal/metaphorical way from the dead. Coincidence? This pope [pointing at himself with both thumbs] don’t think so.

The Last Days in the Desert will be released later in 2015 and Father Ewan will be hearing confession from three o’clock on Sunday.

 

POPE FRANCIS CONDEMNS HORRIBLE BOSSES 2

VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis, the Bishop of Rome, today launched a stunning attack on the comedy sequel Horrible Bosses 2.

The pontiff used his weekly sermon delivered to pilgrims congregated in Saint Peter’s Square in Rome to launch a scathing attack on what he called ‘an utterly unnecessary sequel to an appallingly inept comedy, the very existence of which calls into question the existence of a benevolent creator’:

Hollywood can be a force for good in the world. I for one am stoked to see Interstellar, but why are they making Horrible Bosses 2? How does Jason Sudeikis get work any more? Who is this Sean Anders asshole? He made what? Meet the Millers? That was a terrible film. And now they’re talking about a Paul Bart: Mall Cop 2. I mean, if this comes to pass, I for one will question my faith in the existence of a good God.

Pope Francis’ comments comes following a slew of uninspiring comedy sequels such as Dumb and Dumber To, which the Patriarch of the Greek Orthodox Church Bartholomew the First called ‘truly disappointing, a real let down’. However, Rabbi David Lau seemed more forgiving, saying that he ‘would watch anything with Jennifer Aniston in it. She is a very funny comedienne.’

Arch-atheist and evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins welcomed the Holy Father’s comments:

I think this pope is moving the Catholic church forward to a place of dialogue and common ground. Scientists working at CERN have been bombarding all three Hangover films with neutrons and they just don’t get any funnier. In fact the first one, which we had originally thought was quite amusing, just gets progressively worse even though that seems to suggest some theoretically impossible time travel.

Horrible Bosses 2 will be released no matter what we do or say.

POPE FRANCIS HAS CAMEO IN NOAH

VATICAN CITY – It was revealed today that Pope Francis – who recently overtook Martin Sheen in GQ‘s World’s Sexiest Catholic poll – will also be making his acting début: a small speaking role in the forthcoming Darren Aronofsky film Noah.

The audition happened impromptu during a special Papal audience, which Aronofsky and the film’s star Russell Crowe had explicitly requested. Aronofsky explained:

Pope Francis is just a wonderful person, and very funny. He had seen an early cut of the film and he said he loved it so much he wanted to be in it. We all laughed, but then he suddenly went very quiet and the translator explained he really wanted to be in the film. 

The astonished film maker and Australian were led into a side chamber, complete with green screen, filming equipment and costumes. Pope Francis reappeared wearing animal skins.

The pontiff had already memorized his lines. We ran through the scene and then he did it a couple of times. He was very good at taking direction, surprisingly. But he does have quite a strong Argentine accent but Russell phoned Ridley Scott and we’re going to get Cameron Diaz in to do some ADR.

A Vatican spokesperson confirmed that the Pope does have a speaking role in the film:  

Although small, his part is pivotal to the action. Mr. Crowe is about to get on the Ark and they have all the animals and the doors close just as His Holiness turns up with a pair of unicorns. He turns to them and says “It’s okay, Betsy and Ralph. We’ll catch the next one.” It is going to be very amusing and the fact that it’s the Pope…. Ha!  

Noah will be released soon enough. 

MICKEY ROURKE SIGNS ON FOR POPE BIOPIC

ROME – Italian director Liliana Cavani has announced a new film biopic of the latest Pope, Pope Francis the First or  Jorge Mario Bergolgio starring Mickey Rourke. 

Francesco is seen by many as being a possible second come back for Mickey Rourke, star of Iron Man 2. The film will tell the story of the newest and 266th pontiff from his humble beginnings as the son of an immigrant to vast wealth, political power and importance, through humility and homophobia and back to banning contraception and covering up pedophilia.

Mickey Rourke says that is has been easy to prepare for the role.

It was a bit like The Wrestler what with the tanning and steroids and all. But I think I’ve done a fairly good job. And Liliana is Italian so she’s been helping me with the Argentinian. If Penn doesn’t go gay, I think I have a chance of winning something this year. 


Of course, we all know Penn will go gay, so that part isn’t going to happen, but Mickey – to cover his bases – has had this publicity shot of him cosying up to a man (pictured left) published as an obvious sop to the LGBT community of the academy.

Francesco will be in cinemas within 47 seconds.