POLTERGEIST CURSE TO BE REBOOTED

HOLLYWOOD – Along with Sam Raimi’s remake of Poltergeist soon to hit cinemas, the Evil Dead director has also promised the reboot of the Poltergeist Curse.

The original Poltergeist curse was rumored to have come about when Tobe Hooper or Steven Spielberg (nobody knows which) decided to use real skeletons in the filming of several of the more gruesome scenes in the original 1982 film. The use of real skeletons is in fact common practice as real skeletons are cheaper than realistic fake ones. Go figure. Following the filming of the original three films (the sequels arrived in 1986 and 1988) a number of cast members died early and tragic deaths, including the little girl played by Heather O’Rourke when she was just twelve years old.

The Darkman director told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We want to honor the memory of the first film and that involves not just re-imagining a great horror movie in a way that is kind of unnecessary and dull, but also re-imagining the horror that surrounded the making of the film.

How do you go about rebooting a curse?

In order to get an authentic curse we’ve filmed the whole movie on the site of an ancient Indian burial ground. We’ve broken a shit ton of mirrors during production and unleashed 78 black cats on the set. Taking a leaf out of my own book, I’ve hired a bunch of old Gypsy women to work for me and I have no intention of paying them.  And to make absolutely sure, we’ve been using real skeletons willy-nilly. Even if there’s a normal dialogue scene with nothing spooky going on, we put a skeleton under the table of just out of shot.

How do the cast feel about this?

Well, Sam Rockwell was really nervous. He’s kinda superstitious I suppose. But I pointed out that the star of the original film Richard Lawson was in a plane crash a few years after the film was released. Twenty seven people died but he survived. So the curse might work both ways.

Is that true?

Let’s just say I’m booking separate flights from Sam Rockwell from now on. Ha ha!

The Poltergeist remake will be released in 2015 and the Poltergeist curse will follow soon after.

STEVEN SPIELBERG HAUNTS POLTERGEIST REBOOT SET

HOLLYWOOD – Sources confirm today that a ghastly apparition that has been haunting the set of the Poltergeist reboot is none other than director Steven Spielberg.

The director of the pointless remake Gil Kenan (City of Ember, Monster House… yes really) had this to say of the macabre experience. 

It was terrifying at first, I’d be working on a scene with Sam Rockwell and all of a sudden I’d feel this … presence, a willowy phantasm of sorts. And then I’d hear it whisper ‘Ooooh, I’d use a wiiiiiide angle for this shot … BEWARE!’ and I’d turn around and I could swear I saw, like an old man with a beard hobnobbing with the director of photography, then whoosh! Gone. Eerie.
When asked if the cast or crew ever reported any supernatural happenings, Kenan continued.
Yeah, especially the kid actors, they’d do a take and if it wasn’t going well you’d see them get this faraway look as if communing with an otherworldly entity, sometimes they’d disappear and come back all playful and happy and energized and I could just tell they’d been in some kind of contact with the elusive phantom.
The director then revealed how he came to identify the paranormal entity that was plaguing his set:

I looked at my history and discovered that there were similar happenings on the set of the original movie. It was uncanny! Could this restless spirit be the same phenomena? So I set a trap! I deliberately created a bad atmosphere on set one day, totally skewed the aesthetic of the scene and used a Dutch angle for what should have been a standard coverage shot and BOOM! It was in the room.  ‘Whooo aaaaargh, can I make a suggestion? Raaaagh! Here why don’t you check out some of this pre-vis ooooooooh’ and I was like, ‘what are you astral wanderer?’ And he was like  ‘Hi, I’m Steven’.

Kenan successfully exorcised the unwanted Spielberg by repeatedly telling it that he had invited George Lucas to the set to discuss collaboration on a Young Indiana Jones TV special.

It went pale and vanished as dawn glimmered in the East and the cock crowed. I think he’s now at peace, wherever he is. Unfortunately, it turns out that if you invoke the name of Lucas 3 times, that f*cker actually turns up. 

Young Indiana Jones in the Valley of the Yeti will be released on Cartoon Network this summer.