VARIETY: BRUCE WILLIS IS THE TOO-EST OLD FOR THIS SHIT

HOLLYWOOD – In a poll commissioned by Variety Bruce Willis has been judge the most ‘Too Old For This Shit’ of 2013, beating off strong competition from Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and (surprise entry) Daniel Craig. Willis, who – in a Good Day to Die Hard (a film title which is exactly one word too long) – was consistently grumpy and weird and obviously doing most of his stunts on a stair lift, commented on the result, saying he was happy because it was Wednesday, a Wednesday they got a treat from the fruit box.

Hollywood has been desperately trying to resurrect 1987 with scant success. Self-deprecation has led straight to awkward embarrassment via Johnny Knoxville. The grandfather brigade is being quickly followed by middle-aging action stars such as Liam Neeson, who has to pause between flights of stairs, and even 007 finds himself wheezing when giving chase, not to mention Batman’s dodgy knees.

Willis wins a bus pass and a selection basket of hair products.

Who do you think is ‘too old for this shit’? Vote in our poll. After all Variety just make this stuff up, so no one can actually trust them.

OFFICIAL: ROBIN WILLIAMS EX-FUNNY

WHICH FUNNY MAN MAKES THE LEAST FUNNY FILMS?

The people have spoken. The State of the Union stands thusly. Robin Williams is the funny man who makes the least funny films. Of course it is fair to say that aside from the occasional hilarious exception – One Hour Photo – Williams films have also included the occasional straight role: Mrs Doubtfire for instance, which attempted to plumb the depth of a psychopathic mind.
Of the other contestants, Jack Black and Ben Stiller benefited from the confusion many felt that by saying he made unfunny film they would be endorsing the view that he was a funny man in the first place. On the phone today when given the results, I’m sorry to say that Robin wept like a man destroyed and said: ‘This is the last straw.’

STANLEY KUBRICK, BETTER THAN RATNER

Voting booths closed all over the internet today and the results are in showing clearly that YOU, the Studio Exec reading public prefer Stanley Kubrick as a director to Brett Ratner, who only garnered 3% of the vote.


Brett Ratner
  3 (8%)
Michael Bay
  4 (11%)
Stanley Kubrick
  24 (68%)
Dennis Dugan
  4 (11%)

    

thought he had won



Dennis Dugan and Michael Bay both held the middle ground. Unfortunately Mr Ratner thought he had won when the photograph (on the right) was taken. Film historians said that the result did not come as that much of a surprise and there would be ‘no need to rewrite the history books’ much to our disappointment.

POLL RESULTS ON NEW FRIENDS FILM ‘INCONCLUSIVE’

Poll results

We asked:

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE NEW ‘FRIENDS’ FILM?

Our resident pollster Jiminey Croquet has been studying the results and his conclusion is pretty clear: ‘No one gives a shit about the Friends film. Many people even think you’re perhaps making this shit up.’
Several people didn’t even know who Matthew Perry was, but this could have been because he had been named un-famous earlier last week.

POLL RESULTS: WHO SHOULD PLAY CHRISTIAN GREY IN THE 50 SHADES OF GREY MOVIE?

Ageing martial artists and ‘so crap its good’ postmodern ironic like icon, Chuck Norris would according to our esteemed readership make the best Christian Grey in the new Fifty Shades of Grey  film, beating out close contender Carey Mulligan.


The poll was carried out in response to the breaking news that Max Von Sydow had landed the role (for this story read HERE), news which later turned out to be a malicious invention  on the part of Max Von Sydow himself.  However, our readers voted in overwhelming numbers (over 40), and most of them were men who wished to sabotage the movie because they were heartily tired of women enjoying porn.

Max Von Sydow
  11 (26%)
 
Eli Wallach
  5 (11%)
 
Chuck Norris
  16 (38%)
 
Carey Mulligan
  13 (30%)
 


TARANTINO POLL: THE RESULTS

‘I am your slave’

The Studio Exec first ever poll has concluded and the results are in and the results are decisive. Quentin Tarantino’s films are ‘a bit violent.’ Literally thirty one people voted.

When given the results Mr. Tarantino broke into floods of tears and said:

‘I suppose I am your monkey and I will have to dance to your tune.’

Many believe that the Studio Exec poll represents a turning point in the whole ‘are Tarantino’s films “violent”?’ debate. Some journalists getting quite giddy and jumping up and down and clapping their hands.

Yes, they are.
  7 (22%)
 
No, they are not.
  5 (16%)
 
A bit.
  16 (51%)
 
More than a bit.
  3 (9%)
 




Total votes  31