OBAMA TO DEPLOY RUSSELL CROWE AGAINST NORTH KOREA

Stern words turned to actions today, as America’s response to the North Korean testing of a nuclear weapon began to harden. President Obama speaking from the Rose Garden announced that Australian singer and actor Russell Crowe was ready at an hour’s notice for deployment.

A spokesperson for the Pentagon said that the Commander in Chief:

had initially been unsure of the efficacy of using Crowe but – upon seeing Les Miserables in a private screening – the President stood up halfway through and said “What are we waiting for?” Mr. Crowe was contacted and agreed, though there was some confusion as to his exact role.

A friend of The Gladiator as he prefers to be known said that ‘Russ is really proud to give his mate Obama a hand in a crisis. As long as the North Koreans are just bombing themselves that’s fair dinkum but the danger is they might use those bombs on another country and we can’t be having that.’
It is thought that should diplomatic negotiations fail, Mr. Crowe will stride across the DMZ and into North Korea while singing in a way fans describe as ‘unbearable’, ‘atrocious’ and ‘worse than cat murder’. And those are fans remember.

OBAMA PROMISES METEOR HIT
















WASHINGTON – The 44th President of the United States Barack H. Obama promised during his second inauguration that more work would be done to place the Earth in the path of an asteroid.
‘I recognize many thought my first term timid in avoiding a collision with a space rock the size of Kansas,’ said President Obama. ‘But I promise  you, Robert Duvall and Bruce Willis are ready to join forces and NASA is currently rushing to identify an asteroid that would put us in danger and give us all a new sense of perspective about how petty our squabbles are when faced with immediate irrevocable extinction.’


The GOP were quick to respond, criticizing the President for playing what they called the ‘Morgan Freeman card.’ John Boehner said, ‘What we need is someone more like Stanley Anderson or perhaps Dennis Quaid. And instead of an asteroid, perhaps a giant blob or dinosaurs escaped from one of Spielberg’s camps.’

Others accused the President however of not being radical enough. ‘He says he wants to be on a collision course,’ said Sean Penn. ‘But then he is also willing to bring out the cowboys to save the day. They would then destroy the asteroid probably with nuclear weapons, causing great environmental damage to the asteroid.’ 

GOP BACKS OBAMA OVER ‘FRIENDS’ FILM


WASHINGTON – The Republican party – in an unusual turn of events – have backed President Obama on the eve of his inauguration, offering its full support. The move follows President Obama’s comments concerning the new Friends movie adaptation, in which he stated: ‘I don’t know why they’re making it. The original series was good and I think they should leave well alone. Look what happened with Sex and the City.’
Both John Boehner and Mitch McConnell offered full support for any legislation that would block the film makers from proceeding. Boehner commented:

This is one of those rare occasion when the President will have full bipartisan support. After the trivial disagreements about the fiscal cliff and gun control, here is an issue that puts everything in perspective. Friends was and is an American institution and so it’s only right that we confront this problem not as Democrats or Republicans, but as Americans. 

However, the reaction from the White House suggest that talk of a grand alliance might be premature. 

President Obama was just making a remark and has no intention of framing legislation. 

For news on the Friends film CLICK HERE.
For news on Sex and the City 3 CLICK HERE

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

 

HOLLYWOOD – As we enter 2013, Studio Exec casts a jaundiced eye over the young faces of yesteryear and asks where are they now.

Garfield was once everyone’s favorite cat, but soon he caught the eye of madman mogul Donald Trump who took a liking to the autumnal coloring of the animal’s fur, and thought it’d be a perfect addition to his follicle folly. Before you could say ‘You’re Fired!’ he had the moggy hunted, killed and skinned and the pelt lowered via helicopter onto his otherwise gleaming pate.






It’s been an interesting 2012 for Star Trek actor Paul Ryan, more familiar to viewers as comedy robot Data. With the cancellation of the television series and no more films in the offing, Ryan wiped off the make up and ran for the US Senate, putting his computational skills and way out charisma to another use as the running mate of Mitt Romney. ‘I was there to make Mitt look human,’ admitted Ryan later. 












Many worried about the fate of young Billy Elliot once the popular film was over. Having danced his way into everyone’s hearts, it was obvious he was going to become an obnoxious drunk, but never fear. Liverpool Football Club (or Soccer team) took him on as a midfielder and he’s doing very well for himself! Go you Reds!

SESAME STREET: THE MOTION PICTURE

NEW YORK – In what is widely being seen as a big up yours to former presidential candidate Mitt Romney, the Children Television Workshop have announced a brand new motion picture based on the popular educational television series. Jack Black will appear due to a clause in his contract that obliges every studio to put him in films whenever he wants. ‘We don’t want him,’ said a studio exec. ‘But his agent has our balls in a vice over this.’

The announcement came as fresh revelations about Big Bird came in. He was caught on camera early last week playing golf despite the fact he has been claiming a disability pension for three years because of ‘chronic eyesight problems.’ Big Bird blithely dismissed the charges of fraud saying, ‘If you saw that drive on the 14th freeway you’d know for a fact I was medically blind.’
The film will be directed by David Lynch, who has abandoned the Shia project in order to ‘fulfil a childhood dream.’

ROMNEY BLAMES MEATLOAF FOR ELECTION LOSS

Fixed grin












UTAH – In a telephone call to donors, Governor and almost President Mitt Romney explained his failed bid for the White House by pointing the finger at one large fellow: Meatloaf.
‘With an election as close as this one any minor change can have a huge effect on the result,’ said Romney. ‘And when that fat oaf lumbered on stage, I knew the gig was up.’
  Romney’s campaign was already struggling to rescue momentum upset by the twin setbacks of Hurricane Sandy and the widespread rumor that Lindsay Lohan was going to declare for the Romney camp.

I did my best to distance myself from the Lindsay Lohan endorsement and Adam Sandler as well. Andy Garcia was for me and he was great in The Untouchables but people remember him for being in the worst Godfather movie. But that night in Defiance, Ohio, when Meatloaf took the stage, I knew I no longer had a Bat out of Hell’s chance. 

Meatloaf was unavailable for comment.

SPIELBERG TO DIRECT ELECTION MOVIE


HOLLYWOOD – Director Steven Spielberg announced earlier today that he has a script for a film based on the recent US elections – and he’ll start pre-production in the new year.

Spielberg, whose Lincoln biopic is due for release on November 16th,  also confirmed that he has his cast in place, and is considering shooting in the 3D format.

We caught up with Steven at his retreat in Martha’s Vineyard.

Mr Spielberg. Surely everyone is sick to their back teeth of the elections. Why make a film?

I don’t think people know the real story behind this election and I consider it my duty as an artist to reveal the wizards behind the curtain.

Wizards?

I don’t mean actual Wizards they’re all too busy working overtime onThe Hobbit.

So what do you mean.Are you saying the Klu Klux Klan influenced the elections?

No, I was referencing The Wizard of Oz.

Oh I see. You mean the film with James Franco which is out next year?

No, I mean the 1939 Victor Flemming version starring Judy Garland.

Sorry, it doesn’t ring any bells. So who are these ‘Wizards’ – as you call them?

You’ll have to wait until the movie comes out.

I’d rather know now if you don’t mind.

Well, let’s just say there were invisible forces pulling the strings in the background and they tried, but ultimately failed, to get Mitt Romney elected.

Invisible forces? Wizards lingering behind drapes? Apologies Steven but this all sounds preposterous.

It might seem far fetched but trust me – when you see the film all will become clear.

Can’t you just clear it up now? I’m doing an interview with Adam Samberg in 30 minutes.

OH FOR F*CKS SAKE IT’S THE ALIEN’S! THE F*CKING ALIENS DID IT!

Ah. Well why didn’t you just say so that’s perfectly plausible. Anyway, who is in your cast?

Mel Gibson will play Romney and Robert Downey Jnr will play Obama.

I understand the casting of Downey Jnr, he was born to play the role, but Mel Gibson?!

What’s wrong with Mel he’s a very talented actor?
Sure, but aren’t you offended by his anti-Semitic beliefs? You being a gentleman of Jewish persuasion and all.

Oh that old business. Look, I believe a man should have a second chance and Mel was suffering with an alcohol dependency at the time. Forgive and forget I say.

That’s a very noble attitude. What if he goes on another of his rants?

If he does then I’ll click my fingers and a Mossad assassin will execute him forthwith. Hopefully it won’t come to that.

Ah good. Okay, Steven that about wraps it up. Just one more question. What do you think of George Lucas’ billion-dollar Disney deal which will effectively make him the most powerful man in the industry. Are you pleased about your old friends success, or are you angered that you are destined to live in his gargantuan shadow for the rest of your life?

*Click*

MITT ROMNEY’S TOP 5 FILMS.

On the eve of the US Presidential election, Mitt Romney spoke exclusively to Studio Exec about his favourite films. 









The Ten Commandments

I’m a big Charlton Heston fan I used to have posters of him on my wall in college and The Ten Commandments has always been my favourite of his films. He befriended me when I was chairman of the ‘Young NRA’ and occasionally he’d take me on weekend hunting trips. We’d spend our days near the Mexican border drinking lemonade and taking pot shots at any fence climbing Taco-Jockeys and at night we’d build a fire and he’d tell me these great stories about Hollywood. It’s funny though, because as much as I admire his performance as Moses, it was the Pharaoh who I most identified with. Hell, I’ll admit it. I cried my eyes out when he drowned in the Red Sea. Oh, spoiler I suppose.

Rocky 4

I enjoyed the Cold War! It was a time when everyone knew their place and the line between enemy and ally was clearly defined. I didn’t like the first Rocky when he was a down and out bum. I just couldn’t identify with the character but the richer he got the more I rooted for him. On the surface, Rocky 4 is a simple story of a hard hitting boxer with a chronic inability to defend himself in the ring, but the subtext is obviously capitalism’s victory over communism. Rocky is the personification of America – tough, stubborn and severely brain damaged. We attack, swing mindlessly at our opponents and pray we can take more blows to the head than they can. It’s a strategy I pledge to continue.


Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

I really admire the character of Judge Doom. His methods might seem extreme to some but here was a man who came down hard on his own people because he was so disenchanted with their anarchist tendencies. For me, that takes real guts. Toon Town is a place of madness and degeneracy. Crime figures are high and there seems to be very little in the way of religion and basic morality. When I heard the news that no resident has ever paid a cent in tax I sent a letter to Obama, but so far I’ve had no reply – which is typical of his administration. If I become President, the first thing I’m going to do is clean up Toon Town though to be honest, I’m not quite sure where it is – as it doesn’t show up on Google Maps.



Red State

I’ve haven’t got a clue what it’s about but I really like the title.









Irreversible

What exactly is rape? It’s one of those questions that I keep on asking but nobody seems to be able to provide me with an adequate answer. Sure, a woman has a right to say no but as we all know, sometimes no, actually means yes. It’s confusing. Take the scene in Irreversible for example. Monica Bellucci is attacked and she struggles but is she struggling in order to accentuate the rape fantasy, or is she really struggling? I’m not sure and it could be the case that she’s just a mediocre actress. I’m not saying I condone violence or anything but it seems to me that if you are approached by a rapist and you’re in no mood for being raped, then it’s probably better just to go with it and not fight back. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a bouncing baby for your trouble. And they say I don’t know anything about women’s issues!

ROMNEY REFUSES LOHAN ENDORSEMENT

Get out of my face LOHAN! screams Mitt

UTAH – Mitt Romney has stunned the world of show business by publicly rejecting an endorsement from Lindsay Lohan. Romney in a statement released this evening said that ‘While I appreciate Ms. Lohan’s gesture and especially her early work when her face still looked normal, I feel that I must reject her endorsement as she is not the kind of voter I am looking for.’

‘Usually politicians do everything in their power to gain endorsements and win votes from whoever they can,’ says Herb Minkle political strategist and pollster. ‘Hollywood stars, public figures and athletes are particularly sough after, but in this case the Romney camp obviously felt Lindsay Lohan wasn’t so much an accident waiting to happen as an accident that had begun happening, was in the midst of happening and might continue happening for some time.’


The Obama camp have already begun to use Lindsay Lohan in a series of attack ads entitled ‘Don’t do a Lohan: Vote Obama!’

MITT ROMNEY “LET’S NUKE VIETNAM”



WASHINGTON – Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney gave a press conference yesterday, outlining his own plans to deal with rogue director Michael Bay’s recent invasion of Vietnam.


“I think this situation has to be nipped in the bud pretty quickly,” said a statesmanlike Romney.

Bay is burrowed in the US Embassy in Saigon like an Alabama tick and unless we resort to extreme measures, his forces will spread into Cambodia, Laos and the rest of East Asia. This wanton aggression can no longer be tolerated and I firmly believe this maniac should be stopped in his tracks before it’s too late. President Obama has been shilly-shallying on this issue and his strategy, like his presidency, has been weak and ineffective. What this country needs is a strong leader who can make the tough decisions and if I were commander and chief, I would order a full scale nuclear strike on Bay’s position without delay.


Romney’s drastic plan was immediately dismissed by the White House as being “Fucking Stupid” and President Obama quickly organised his own press conference to assure the worlds media that he has his own plan to bring Bay to justice.

“In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit,” said a pensive Obama.

“These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. We have a problem, and no one else can help, so if you can find them. Maybe we can hire the A-Team.”

With the politicians seemingly unable to agree on a strategy rumour has it that Hollywood has decided to take matters into its own hands and a special unit of actors, led by Sean Penn, has been smuggled over the Vietnamese border and are making their way to the capital.

For more news on the rapidly escalating conflict check out @studioexec1

SAMUEL L. JACKSON WILL COACH OBAMA FOR 2ND DEBATE

Snakes!
Wake the Fuck Up

WASHINGTON – Samuel L. Jackson has confirmed that he will coach President Barack Obama in preparation for his second debate with Governor Romney on October 16th.
The Long Kiss Goodnight and Snakes on the Plane actor said:

You can expect a lot more profanity that’s for damned sure. And a generally more aggressive approach, especially to foreign policy talking points. And if Romney tries any of that jive bullshit about the Presidential record, we gonna bitch slap that motherfucker with the latest unemployment figures and the fact Obama is the fucking Ninja who popped a cap in Osama Bin Laden’s eye hole.

Jackson has already contributed to the election with a special ‘Wake the Fuck Up’ video that became a viral internet hit.

Romney’s camp has responded that they will continue with their winning tactic of an intense torture porn diet (read here) and maybe let Mitt go one on one with Freddy Kreuger actor Robert Englund.

SEAN PENN ENDORSES MITT ROMNEY

WASHINGTON – In a shock turnaround, Sean Penn has publicly endorsed Mitt Romney for President at a rally in Tampa earlier today.

The My Name is Sam star and famed radical activist and campaigner explained his change of heart to a packed crowd at a Mitt is It rally. ‘I realised how much I earn,’ Penn blustered. ‘So fuck yeah, he’s got my vote.’

Penn joins a whole barrage of erstwhile liberals in lining up behind the Mittster who has promised cut taxes and allow poor people to be legally hunted as game.

Michael Moore said earlier this week that being right wing and crazy ‘was just more funny’. And Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon said they believed that many stars were attracted to Romney’s lack of charisma.

‘You hang around show people all the time with their humor and excitement and sparkling conversation and it’s tiring,’ the Rocky Horror Picture Show strumpet remarked. ‘With Mr. Romney you’re safe from any danger of being remotely interested in anything he has to say.’

Some have linked Penn’s change of heart to the fact that although he was definitely gay in Milk, he appears to be married in This is not the Place. Whilst many see this as further evidence that Mitt Romney is in fact a character created by Sacha Baron Cohen for a new comedy film.

SACHA BARON COHEN SAYS HE IS NOT MITT ROMNEY


















LONDON – Sacha Baron Cohen has come out today and explicitly denied that he is in fact Mitt Romney.

‘I am not Mitt Romney,’ he said reading from a prepared statement via satellite phone. ‘I am not pretending to be a character named Mitt Romney, a buffoonish right winger who keeps dropping hilarious clangers. This is not a character who will appear in my new movie Mitt Romney: Borat Comes Home, in cinemas nationwide from March 2013. That is all I have to say.’

Cohen – famous for his outrageous satirical creations such as Borat, Ali G and Bruno – has more recently appeared in less prank-style and more conventional features such as Hugo and The Dictator. However, rumors spread that he was preparing a return to the punk’d territory with which he made his name when some people noted that Mitt Romney’s head looked like it was being worn by a comic actor who was uttering the most laughable bile. 

Following a series of gaffs – something about Libya and something else about people who are so stupid that they don’t even have one million dollars – the rumours began to be taken more seriously. Larry David – a keen Cohen fan – said today ‘It’s obvious that this is Sacha. In a way I’m a little disappointed. I expect a little bit more subtlety from the man.’

“Mitt Romney” refused to comment.