politics Archives -

RICHARD VERNON NOMINATED EDUCATION SECRETARY

WASHINGTON – Donald Trump nominates Richard Vernon as his new Education Secretary.

Donald Trump has broken with tradition and nominated a fictional character Richard Vernon as his Education Secretary. Gleason will head up the Department of Education in another move set to shake up the Washington establishment. Vernon promises to promote a series of initiatives to make detention of weirdly electic group of students compulsory.

He told the Studio Exec political correspondent:

To begin with, I will put a stop to any ruckus going on. That’s point one.

Is there any truth to the accusation that you stole clothes from Barry Manilow’s wardrobe?

I make $31,000 a year and I have a home and I’m not about to throw it all away on some punk like you. But someday when you’re outta here and you’ve forgotten all about this place and they’ve forgotten all about you, and you’re wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I’m gonna be there. That’s right. And I’m gonna kick the living shit out of you. I’m gonna knock your dick in the dirt.

I was just asking.

Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns.

Richard Vernon will be taking over from Ed Rooney on January 20, 2017.

BEAST RABBAN TO BE SECRETARY OF STATE

WASHINGTON – Donald Trump’s cabinet firms up with Secretary of State confirmed to be Beast Rabban.

First, Rudy Guiliani out. Then Mitt Romney goes back to the binders. Beast Rabban will be President Elect Donald Trump’s Secretary of State. Emerging from Trump Tower, the Harkonnen issued a brief statement:

The Spice must flow.

Although the Beast’s appointment had been widely predicted, it still stirred some criticism as Democrats pointed out that it directly contradicted an election pledge to keep the spice out of politics. Kellyanne Conway, however, welcomed the move.

We are going to make Arrakis, I mean America great again.

Donald Trump will be president in the satirical movie which is about to become reality.

SCOTT BAIO WORRIED HIS CAREER WILL TAKE A HIT FOLLOWING CONVENTION SPEECH

CLEVELAND – Scott Baio – star of Happy Days and Charles in Charge – expressed concern that his career might have been damaged by his endorsement of Donald Trump.

The star and former teenage heart-throb Scott Baio yesterday admitted that he worried that his career had been irrevocably damaged by his speech at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland. He told the Studio Exec:

It’s strange. My phone stopped ringing and the offers have all dried up. I blame it on the liberal bias in Hollywood that has been the bane of my career. I was riding high with my reality show on VH1 and the cameos, and then I spoke about Donald Trump and how I supported him and everything is in tatters. We’ll make America great again. But then I’ll need to make Scott Baio famous again as well.

Similar complaints were heard from the other guy who spoke from the soap opera and that fella from the reality show about duck shooting. Melania Trump was the only speaker who seems to have made a strong impression with her wit and originality. Such a refreshing breath of fresh and change from Michelle Obama.

The Republican National Convention continues.

WALTER PECK ENDORSES LARRY VAUGHN

NEW YORK – The former minor functionary of New York and leader of the Tea Party Walter Peck has endorsed Larry Vaughn in a move which looks likely to strengthen his candidacy.

Walter Peck first came to national prominence during the ‘Ghostbusters scandals’ of the mid-Eighties in which large parts of downtown New York were infested by paranormal entities which were busted by a crew of unlicensed undead pest control merchants. Peck was then working for the Environmental Protection Agency. Although his role in the affair was unclear, Peck soon began to climb the ladder of the civil service before moving into politics and finally becoming a spokesperson for the Tea Party movement.

He spoke with the Studio Exec about Larry Vaughn and his endorsement:

What you have in government at the moment is a complete unbridled usurpation of power from the citizens of this country. We need to take back the country and Larry Vaughn is the man to do it. He is the man who is not afraid to do the risky thing if it means promoting the economic welfare of his people. He is the man who in crisis thinks about the concerns of the bankers and the businessmen before he does the safety of the people and the children. He is a man who’s not afraid to yell barracuda, but who will never yell shark.

For more on Vaughn 2016, CLICK HERE.

MUSSOLINI WAS DONALD TRUMP’S GRANDFATHER

ROME – It was revealed today that Benito Mussolini – one time Duce of Italy and founder of the Italian Fascist Party – was in reality Donald Trump’s grandfather.

The Republican Presidential hopeful, demagogue and Reality TV star Donald Trump is directly related to Benito Mussolini, it was revealed today. Diego Zucchetto, Italian historian and political commentator, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Benito Mussolini era il nonno di Trump da parte di sua madre. Lei andava nei Stati Uniti quando era piccola e non sapeva nulla di sua parentela. Comunque se guardiamo qualche foto, particolarmente quelle quando il Duce era giovane, si vede una somiglianza abbastanza notevole.

What?

Oh sorry. I said Benito Mussolini was Donald Trump’s grandfather.

Okay, right. Is there any proof?

Proof? Well, you only have to look at the photographs of the Fascist leader as a young man and there is a striking resemblance. Plus Donald Trump is in possession of no birth certificate for his mother. Plus his own political leanings are obviously inspired by his own far right bloodline. Mussolini was also a demagogue who was given to the grand political gesture that led his country into disaster. So all in all you can see a picture emerging of what we have to look forward to, should Donald Trump become President of the USA.

Donald Trump is currently preparing Season 11 of The Apprentice.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

NICOLAS CAGE TO PLAY RONALD REAGAN

WASHINGTON – Nicolas Cage has confirmed he will be playing Ronald Reagan in Oliver Stone’s Reagan.

Jessica Biel is rumored to be on board for the role of the First Lady Nancy.

Cage stated that he looked forward to the challenges of the role:

Ronald Reagan is a giant figure in our recent political history and he represented both the good and the bad in our culture. Many still look upon him as a hero who won the Cold War and led America through difficult times. Oliver has a different take on it and it’ll be interesting to see what comes out.

Stone said that his version of Reagan would be that of a dangerous right wing demagogue whose early stage dementia proved a security risk throughout his second term.

I’ve been making films about Presidents now for years,’ the mono-browed maverick belched. ‘JFK, W and Nixon were all received as the definitive word on each incumbent. I’ll finish Reagan and next year I want to go straight into a back to back production of Carter and Clinton.

Asked what made him cast Cage, Stone laughed, ‘Well, of course Reagan himself was a lousy actor and so I thought why not get a lousy actor to play him. No but seriously that is the reason.’

Reagan will be released in 2016.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT DONALD TRUMP

HOLLYWOOD – Although not strictly speaking a politics blog, Donald Trump is not strictly speaking a politician. In fact he isn’t strictly speaking anything we have a word for.

So we sent the Studio Exec FACT squad to Trump towers to find out all we could about Donald Trump.

Donald Trump first made his money out of a card game called Top Trumps, which he named after himself.
Donald Trump became famous as a celebrity following his appearance on Reality TV show The Apprentice. Although as in a Philip K. Dick novel, some observers are beginning to wonder if the Reality TV show was not actually reality and the reality that we’re living – with Donald Trump riding high in the polls to be the next Republican Presidential candidate – is the Reality TV show.
When Bill Maher compared Trump to an Orangutan and Trump sued him, the case never got to court. Although it is believed that Maher had to settle with the National Society for the Advancement of Orangutans out of court for defamation.
If Donald Trump does win the US Presidential Election, his blueprint for governance is taken from The Hunger Games movies, which Trump says ‘Were full of great ideas, both for entertainment and for how to run a country.’
Several films about Donald Trumps life are currently in production including one starring Damian Lewis from Homeland. What few people know is that Trump himself is going to be starring in a film called No Surrender as a rebuke to his rival and critic John McCain.

For more FACTS click HERE.

ISLAMIC STATE TERRIFIED OF AN ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE

MOSUL – It was revealed today that the terrorist group Islamic State are terrified at the prospect there might be an Ice Bucket Challenge launched against them.

The radical Sunni Islamic sect Islamic State (aka IS, ISIS and ‘the greatest existential threat we’ve ever faced since that asteroid Bruce Willis gave his life destroying’, British PM David Cameron), it has emerged, is absolutely terrified of the Ice Bucket Challenge. The Ice Bucket Challenge was launched in 2014 and effectively ended amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (aka Lou Gherig disease) within weeks of Steven Spielberg and assorted celebrities tipping water over themselves and challenging others to do the same. Now it is rumored that the force of the IBC is to be unleashed on the brutal terrorist group Islamic State, who now quiver with fear at the prospect of internet celebrity splashing.

The Studio Exec’s Middle East expert John Milius had this to say:

The threat of the Ice Bucket Challenge is two fold. First of all there is the huge weight of public opinion thrust against them. Essentially the Ice Bucket Challenge is the Fatwah of the Western World when it comes to this kind of shit. The second is that they will be nominated to actually do the Ice Bucket Challenge. These are hardened Jihadists, but they really hate the feeling of being doused in ice water. It’s why they live in Syria and Iraq to start with, and not Norway.

The chances of an Ice Bucket Challenge being launched in the next 32 minutes is currently 45%.

DAMIAN LEWIS CONFIRMED TO PLAY DONALD TRUMP

NEW YORK – Today Donald Trump announced that he was allowing Damian Lewis to play him in a new biopic of his life, provisionally entitled: Trump Towers.

News came shortly after Donald Trump announced he was running for the Presidency. He told reporters in the atrium of Trump Tower:

Damian Lewis is a very talented actor and I’m sure he’ll bring to the screen the intricate complexity of my character, whether it’s the nuances of me as a young asshole making a load of money and rising from the ranks of humble millionaires, to the reality TV show asshole telling idiots they’re fired. Or the new latest iteration of me the asshole candidate for President of the United States of America.

British actor Damian Lewis first made a name for himself in the HBO series Band of Brothers. His career has continued to make waves on US television with his portrayal of Marine Sgt. Nicholas Brody in Showtime’s Homeland, starring alongside Claire Danes and in Britain with the BBC show Wolf Hall in which he played Henry VIII.

He came into the Studio Exec bungalow to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the new role:

Of course, it will be a challenge. I think the key to Donald Trump has to be the hair and I know that Donald has a whole basement full of blind Peruvian children weaving it as we speak. Authenticity will be the key and they will make me the best and most convincing wig you’ll ever see.

What about reports that have named you as the new 007?

[With tears standing out in his eyes] I don’t think Donald would like that.

Trump Towers will be written and directed by Donald Trump himself. ‘I’ve already finished the screenplay, the first draft was perfection and so that’s the final draft as well,’ said Trump. ‘I know a lot of people are just waiting for me to fall on my big fat stupid looking face, but I can tell them now that is not going to happen. Damian is going to make me look great and everyone will worship me. It will be the first film that I will watch in the White House. You can mark my words.’

In a Homeland reunion it has also been revealed that Ivana Trump will be played by Claire Danes.

Trump Towers will be released in 2016.

FROZEN 2: CONCLUSIVE PROOF AGAINST CLIMATE CHANGE, GOP CLAIMS

WASHINGTON – The GOP took a break from being pen pals with the Ayatollahs to announce that the green-lighting of Frozen 2 is conclusive proof against the theory of man-made climate change.

Senator Tom McKinley told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have been living in fear for years of man-made climate change. The environmentalists have painted a nightmarish picture of high tides, droughts and other imminent catastrophes. But what Disney have proved by announcing the production of Frozen 2 is that we have no longer anything to worry about and can use as much coal, shale gas and oil as we feel fit.

How does that follow?

Princess Elsa has the magical power to make things colder, right? And she freezes up the harbor and the land, even though it’s summer, yes? So how is carbon production causing the Earth to get warmer if Princess Elsa is doing those things?

But she’s under a magical curse? I mean it’s a fairy tale.

And I tell you what else is a fairy tale, the idea that using solar panels and renewables can save the planet. What we really need is magic Princesses. And thanks to Disney, that is what we’re going to get. Princesses and magic comedy snow men, who by the way dream of climate change and summer but only because they’re comically stupid.

Frozen 2 will be released in 2016.

MIKE HUCKABEE LEAVES FOX TO JOIN ZZ TOP

HOLLYWOOD – Mike Huckabee has left Fox News show Huckabee in order to formally join Texan rockers, ZZ Top.

The 44th Governor of Arkansas and Presidential candidate was rumored to be close to the band for years, but only announced his departure last week on a tearful episode of his popular Fox show Huckabee.

A spokesperson for Fox said:

We are delighted that Mike is moving on to new experiences. Although we have valued him as a voice of reason and compassion on the right, for many years it has been obvious that his heart has not really been in politics. For every show we do, he spends very little time reading the material and researching and much more time playing the bass guitar and occasionally the drums. Finally, he has decided to give up politics entirely and devote his time to touring with the hard rock outfit, ZZ Top.

Billy Gibbons, lead guitarist, vocalist and band leader, said that ZZ Top had been eyeing Huckabee for some time.

He’s a solid bottom line and I knew that he and Frank had occasionally been jamming. Dusty Hill was none too pleased, obviously and was quite rude about the idea, but then Frank broke his wrist, so we decided to get Mike to come in and play the drums until he’s better. We’ll see how it works out and then when Frank comes back we can maybe give Mike a shot at playing bass and Dusty can become a rhythm guitarist.

When Studio Exec had an opportunity to ask about Mike Huckabee’s political ambitions, which were rumored to include another candidacy for President, the musical ex-governor chuckled:

Oh Lord no. First off, politics is just too darned ornery and I ain’t about to spend my declining years arguing with a bunch of pipsqueaks about the ins and outs of legislation. Second up, I’ve always had a hankering after growing some facial herbage and right here’s my opportunity gorn darnit!

ZZ Top’s new album Don’t Want to Be President Anyway! will be released in 2015.

OBAMA RESPONDS TO JON VOIGHT

HOLLYWOOD – President Barack Obama has responded to Oscar winning actor Jon Voight who attacked him earlier this week on Fox News show Huckabee. Voight read a statement criticizing the President on Iraq, Benghazi and immigration, as well as tearing up about the next generation and bringing back America.

The White House issued the following statement on behalf of the President:

I respect Mr. Jon Voight for his wonderful performances in Deliverance and Midnight Cowboy, and I absolutely defend his right to express his criticism of my administration. However, let me say this. I have also seen Ray Donovan and that I didn’t like so much. I’m not a TV critic but it seemed to me sub-par. Now Mr. Voight brought up some very important questions about our relationship with Israel, but I have to say his appearance on Lara Croft, Mission Impossible, Transformers and Pearl Harbor have all been one note and frankly forgettable. So yes Jon, let’s open a dialogue about immigration, but let’s also remember that you voiced one of the main characters of Bratz: the Movie and that, my friend, is what history will remember.

Jon Voight was unavailable for comment.

PRESIDENT SNOW WINS REPUBLICAN PRIMARY

MISSISSIPPI – President Snow – best known for his part in the Hunger Games franchise – has won the Republican Senate Primary in Mississippi unseating Senator Thad Cochran and setting up a possible run for President in 2016.

Snow, who ran as an independent Tea Party candidate, said that he was committed to preserving and protecting the rights and privileges of the one percent and the unity of Panem:

Continue reading “PRESIDENT SNOW WINS REPUBLICAN PRIMARY”

CHUCK NORRIS DEPLOYED TO GUAM

Location of Chuck

GUAM – Early this morning Chuck Norris was dispatched to Guam, in the North West Pacific Ocean, and will be ready to be launched in a matter of hours according to our Pentagon sources.

‘This is not an empty gesture,’ said a source close to Chuck Hagel. ‘We are looking at North Korea’s increasingly belligerent stance and Norris is exactly the kind of precaution that any sensible President would like to have at hand.’

The move comes in response to a startling proliferation of nuclear activity on the North Korean border and noises from regional players Russia and China that an attack on US bases in Japan was a distinct possibility. An observer argued:

Got a Horsie Loves to Ride-y

There is very little that we know about what is actually going on inside North Korea. Rumors have it that Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, was angered by K.Pop sensation PSY and the popularity of the South Korean singer’s Gangnam Style, when his own single ‘Got A Horsie Love to Ride-y’ languishes at number 78 in the North Korean charts, despite being a totalitarian despot.

The truth is the song is weak and has a chorus that is instantly forgettable. Some, however, have criticized the Obama administration for deploying Norris without first considering other options. ‘Steve Guttenberg is free,’ said Sen. John McCain.