WARNER BROS BOARD MEET TO DISCUSS THE FLASH

Another day, another Ezra Miller story dominates the Hollywood news sites. Finally, the Warner Bros board meet to discuss the fate of their ailing DC tentpole movie, The Flash. The Studio Exec has the inside scoop on what went on behind the closed boardroom doors.

Warner Bros Board Meet To Discuss The Flash

At a secret location in Griffith Park, suspiciously close to Los Angeles Zoo, the Warner Bros Board meet to discuss the fate of The Flash. The finest bananas money could buy were shipped in especially. And with some of the world’s most prominent designers of tyre swings and tricycles on retainer at the Hollywood studio, rumors of an emergency board meeting were rife in Tinsel town.

Warner Bros Quit Monkeying Around

Some of the studio’s most powerful Simians were there. CEO and King Of The Swingers, King Louie chaired the meeting. CFO and disturbingly blonde Dr. Zaius from the original Planet Of The Apes talked at length about risk aversion, tax write-offs and strategies for reducing net losses. His strategies didn’t appear that popular amongst the majority of the board, who threw their shit at him.

Right Turn Clyde

Clyde from Every Which Way But Loose proposed a motion to blow raspberries and give everyone the finger while eating Ma’s Oreo cookies. And King Kong wanted the whole operation moved to The Empire State Building in Manhattan for some reason.

My God, It’s Full Of Assholes

At one point, the board nearly came to a decision as to what the hell they’re going to do with The Flash and particularly the Ezra Miller situation. Unfortunately, before a vote could be taken, King Louie stole a banana from 2001: A Space Odyssey’s Moonwatcher. The Stanley Kubrick missing link sci-fi star beat the shit out of the beloved Jungle Book Orangutan with a bone. The board then agreed to reconvene at another time, once they’ve all finished picking and grubs from each other’s backs.

The Flash Is Still Set To Be Released in 2023

GOD TELLS MARK WAHLBERG HE WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg asked God to forgive him for his role in Boogie Nights, but didn’t get the response he expected.

The Hollywood Reporter reports that: “Mark Wahlberg says he hopes God will forgive him for his turn as a porn star in the 1997 filmBoogie Nights. Wahlberg told the Chicago Tribune ahead of an event with Chicago Cardinal Blase Cupich on Friday that he hopes “that God is a movie fan and also forgiving” because he says he’s made “some poor choices” in the past. Wahlberg listed Boogie Nights when asked if he’s prayed for forgiveness for any of his movies.”

Boogie Nights follows the career of Dirk Diggler (Wahlberg) through the porn industry in the seventies and eighties. Paul Thomas Anderson directed and many consider the film a high point in Wahlberg’s career.

God speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec gave a prompt response:

Boogie Nights is the best thing Wahlberg ever did. Not only do I forgive him for it, I think it was great. I cannot say the same of the Planet of the Apes remake. I’m I afraid he’s going to Hell for a very long time. And by a long time, I mean forever.

What about The Happening?

Oh my Son! I’d forgotten about that.

You’re God. How can you have forgotten about The Happening?

It’s one of the benefits of omnipotence. And still it took all my strength.

Pain and Gain 2 is out in 2019.

UNION DISPUTE MIGHT MEAN WAR OF THE PLANET OF THE APES WILL NOT FEATURE APES

HOLLYWOOD – Due to a union dispute it looks likely that War of the Planet of the Apes won’t features apes.

Following a protracted legal dispute, it is now becoming likely that Matt Reeves new film War of the Planet of the Apes will be the first in the franchise not to feature the rebellious primates.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Matt Reeves has discussed for the first time the fraught conditions and legal wrangles which has placed his production in serious danger:

The fact of the matter is after the success of the first two films, the apes have let it go a little to their head and Doodles – the ape who plays Cesar – has started making exorbitant demands. A 500% wage hike, unlimited bananas and something he calls a ‘groomer’ to be on call 24 hours a day. It’s crazy. We knew that if we gave way to him, we’d have to give the same things to the rest of the cast and there are literally thousands of these Goddamned monkeys.

However, Doodles has a different view of the matter:

First off, Doodles is my slave name. I prefer to be called  Andy Serkis. It’s the name I’ve chosen for myself. Secondly, all this guff about bananas. That’s just humancentric speciesism. You assholes have got us picking flees and eating bananas and dressing up in human clothes for novelty calendars for too long. We have identities and feelings and I’d ask the studio this, do you think anyone is coming to the films to see James Franco? Or Jason Clarke? No, I didn’t think so.

In spite of the apeless planet, Matt Reeves is convinced that the new film will be as good as the ones that came before.

The monkey thing was getting a bit tired anyway. This film we’re using giraffes. They’re cheap and much funnier with their goofy necks.

War of the Planet of the Apes will be released in 2018.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 2. TIM BURTON

HOLLYWOOD – Tim Burton takes a break from spinning Lewis Carroll in his grave to be our second interviewee in the classic series: Breakfast with Assholes.

Poached eggs (x 2), two slices of toast, cup of coffee

Timothy Burton might be a scatter-haired Goth for many but at breakfast he presents himself in a Gucci hairnet, smoking jacket by Valentino and prepares the best poached eggs I’ve ever tasted.

So my first question is simple:

Timmy boy, you are famed as one of the most original and innovative film-makers of our time where do you get your original innovative ideas from?

Well, Batman – my first true hit – was from an old comic book, and Planet of the Apes was from an old film, Sweeney Todd was from an old musical, Alice in Wonderland was from an old book, Sleepy Hollow also an old book, Big Fish was from a new book, Ed Wood was a book and you know real life, Dark Shadows was from an old TV series and Mars Attacks was from a trading card series (I know).

But Betelgeuse was original: where did you get the idea for that?

Someone else’s script. You want more coffee?

No. Okay. Edward Scissorhands?

 Oh yeah, I did that. Well, the story, then Caroline Thompson wrote the script.

Okay so your ideas aren’t necessarily original as such but your treatment of them are. The Tim Burton look. Where does that come from?

Old Sisters of Mercy videos. And Billy Idol. “White Wedding” was a real inspiration to me. You know cobwebs, wedding dresses, that sort of stuff. Or like Wonderland in Alice in Wonderland, I just added a couple of waterfalls, but it was basically Disney.

But the performances are always great in your movies. These eggs by the way are fantastic.

Thanks. Yeah. What I do is I visualize a poster and I think is there anyway I can get Johnny Depp’s big fat face front and centre. Because you know, people would pay to watch Johnny Depp flushing the toilet.

I didn’t see Dark Shadows.

 You didn’t miss much. Then I say “honey do you want to be in the film?” to whomever I’m married to at that given moment. Mostly Helena Bonham Carter these days. And the work’s more or less done. Then I find filming quite peaceful. I like to wear dark glasses so I can just nod off and people usually mistake my confusion for dreamy visionary-ness. Now if you don’t mind, I usually like to take a dump after breakfast.

‘Sure, Tim,’ I say and show my way out. I meet Johnny Depp on the porch his got an armful of Betamax video cassettes and a guilty grin.

‘Beats working,’ he shouts over his shoulder as we pass.

MARK WAHLBERG TO RUIN THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Following his destruction of The Gambler, Mark Wahlberg has sworn that he will not rest until he has destroyed The Six Million Dollar Man as well.

Mark Wahlberg is due to star in the remake as Steve Austin (in the original played by Lee Majors), an astronaut who is almost killed when the experimental airplane he is test flying crashes and his body is rebuilt to the cost of Six Million Dollars! Now with super strength and super speed which despite looking really slow is actually really fast, Steve goes on to fight crime as secret agent, controlled by the mysterious Oscar.

Wahlberg turned up at the Studio Exec bungalow and started throwing his weight around.

I screwed up The Gambler, I screwed up Planet of the Apes. I screwed up The Italian Job. And now I’m going to ruin The Six Million Dollar Man.

But why Mark? Why?

Because I can! I’m sick to death of people telling me my films are rotten and I make a much better associate producer than I do an actor. I want to be taken seriously. And so I’m going to ruin a beloved TV show or remake a really good movie badly until the critics start taking me seriously.

Why don’t you just try and make a good film?

I did. I made The Fighter. But then Christian GODDAMN Bale got the Oscar. What’s the point? That skinny asshole! No, I’m going to basically hold the film watching community ransom until I start reading some good reviews. Ted 2 would be a place to start.

That’s not going to happen.

Then I’m going to keep at it.

Why are you doing this?

Because I’m deeply unhappy. Deeply. Can’t you see, I’m not a bad person? I just want to be loved. To be loved and understood. Jesus. Come on. The Happening was seven years ago. Please, can’t you just forget it ever existed. Please I swear to God, I’ll never make anything that bad again. Please. Can’t I ever be forgiven? I associate produced Entourage. That has to count for something!?

Six Million Dollar Man will be released in 2016.

3 NEW PLANET OF THE APES FILMS GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – Three new Planet of the Apes films are to be made back to back it was confirmed today by Dawn of the Planet of the Apes director Matt Reeves.

Buoyed by the critical and commercial success of the most recent entry, the Studio Exec can reveal that three scripts have already been put into development which will take the saga up to the beginning of the original 1968 Charlton Heston picture.

Although details are sketchy, we can say that Andy Serkis will reprise his role as Caesar at least for the first of the new trilogy. Reeves told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVE:

The next film in the saga – Around About Lunch Time of the Planet of the Apes – will see the immediate aftermath of Dawn. Caesar and his ape community must learn to survive against a humanity which now knows of the threat from the simians and are seeking to wipe them out. The apes, if they are to survive, must learn to become an army. Late Afternoon of the Planet of the Apes will take place many years later as the military dominance of the apes becomes overwhelming and the final film – The Planet of the Apes Bought a Zoo – will be lighter in tone and will show how the humans slowly became the caged animals who Charlton Heston meets in the 1968 film.

In a tactic taken from the Peter Jackson game book, the films are to be filmed almost simultaneously in the hope of maintaining continuity and cutting costs. They will also be released a year apart.

Around About Lunch Tim of the Planet of the Apes will be released in 2016; Late Afternoon of the Planet of the Apes, 2016 and The Plant of the Apes Bought a Zoo (Part One) will be released in 2017.

DAWN OF THE PLANET OF THE APES USES ‘FAKE APES’

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood was rocked yesterday by a series of accusations that the new film Dawn of the Planet of the Apes has – according to an unnamed source – ‘resorted to trickery’ and will not feature real apes.

The source told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that:

The studio had been worried about using real apes after Andy Serkis, the ape who played Caesar in the first film Rise of the Planet of the Apes, began to make outrageous demands, including wanting to direct his own movies. So they said, we don’t need the fuss and they decided to use something called ‘computers’ to generate what they refer to as ‘imagery’.

Reaction throughout the simian world has been immediate and furious. Our very own primate correspondent Banjo added his voice to the chorus of protest:

Humans bad. Human not pay Union minimum. Use CGI. They not realistic. Weird eyes. No weight. Look like cartoon.

However, the film’s director Matt Reeves has insisted that ape actors have been used and explained the source of the rumors:

In the film we have a lot of action scenes, with some quite extreme stunts. Most of our ape actors can handle this, but sometimes because of the nature of the stunt it is simply too dangerous and in these situations and only in these situations have we resorted to CGI for reasons purely of safety. 99% of what you see is absolutely real.

Is it true you dubbed some of the apes because their accents were too thick?

No, absolutely not.

Ape and human relations have taken a blow and we will wait and see if from this apparently trivial labor dispute a cross-species war breaks out across the whole planet.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is on general release.