COURT HEARS HOW JOHNNY DEPP DEVELOPED A PEANUT M&MS ADDICTION

LONDON – The high court today heard about Johnny Depp’s M&M addiction.

Johnny Depp – star of the Pirates of the Caribbean and Nightmare on Elm Street – today told the High Court in London how he developed an addiction for peanut M&Ms. Occasionally breaking down on the stand, he told the court that the addiction began in 2018.

We were filming Pirates of the Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge and I wasn’t in a very happy place. It just started out with chocolate M&Ms and I thought I could handle it. But once I got into the yellow bags they hooked. I went through twenty half pound bags a day. I was wild man. I’d get so tired from chomping on those M&Ms that I couldn’t even say my dialogue properly. I’d be mumbling like a confused idiot.

The court saw pictures of Johnny Depp passed out after an M&Ms binge, with ice cream dripping down his leg and onto the floor. Referring to the picture, Depp said it showed the extent of his problem at the time.

Look at that. I can’t even face ice cream. I’m so full of M&Ms. What a waste of ice cream. The humanity of it. I don’t know what it was. The peanut, the chocolate, the caramel shell, the different colors.

The court also heard testimony from a former employee of Mr. Depp about how his employer had hired the M&M shop in Leicester  Square, London and done over £240,000 of damage.

Jason Haribo testified:

Johnny’s just the kind of man who does everything to excess. He just can’t have one M&M. It’s not in his nature. He’s the same with Pringles and Ginger Snaps.

Mr. Depp told the judge that he was no longer on M&Ms, after a successful stay in recovery.

I’ve learned my lesson. And I am volunteering to do some kind of work with children to raise awareness of how dangerous M&Ms are. I’m also going to classes to learn how to keep my ice cream from spilling.

The trial continues.

DISNEY’S PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN TO GO ON FOREVER

HOLLYWOOD – Disney’s Pirates Of The Caribbean will never end.

Disney’s Pirates Of The Caribbean Franchise will continue forever, according to producer, Jerry Bruckheimer.

Jerry Bruckheimer, made the announcement dressed in a full Mickey Mouse costume in a high pitched voice:

“Hi everybody ha-ha! On behalf of Walt Disney Studios that your favourite Pirate based franchise will return in a never-ending supply of movie adventures. In order to make sure we keep churning out these money machines, Disney have bought an island from struggling billionaire Richard Branson at a steal. Because of the tax breaks, we can film around the clock on the island. Ha-ha! There’s no unions on the newly named Disney Island Of Dreams (all rights reserved), just desperate writers, actors, crew members and CGI artists.

According to the actuaries, we can churn out a new Pirates film approximately every 4 months. With the god given gift that is CGI, we don’t even need Johnny Depp, who isn’t entirely ‘on-brand’ right now. Ha-ha! We can just cut and paste his face onto some guy staggering around the screen in a stupid pirate costume, looking like Adam Ant on ketamine.

Now we have Disney+, we are also proud to announce an all-new 24 hour rolling reality show that will follow the filming of the Pirates movies. We’ll follow the trials and tribulations of all the cast and the crew. Who stays, who gets fired by Mickey at the end of every week. We think people will lap it. Think Truman Show crossed with Love Island. We’re gonna call it, They Shoot Pirates, Don’t They? Ha-ha!”

‘They Shoot Pirates, Don’t They?’ premieres on Disney+ in September.

JOHNNY DEPP ARRESTED FOR ASSASSINATION PLOT

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp was arrested last night by the British police for plotting the assassination of President Donald Trump.

Johnny Depp is currently being held in a police cell in an undisclosed location in Great Britain awaiting extradition to the United States where he will be expected to stand trial for threatening the life of the President of the USA. If found guilty, he could face life in prison. Depp apparently revealed his plot during an appearance at the Glastonbury Festival, a three day music event deep in the English countryside. In the early hours of this morning, anti-terrorism police swooped in to capture the Jack Sparrow actor in the lounge bar of the local hotel. In a statement released by law enforcement, a spokesperson said this:

We take all assassination threats very seriously indeed. Especially of a foreign head of state. Some have suggested Depp was saying a joke but to everyone there it was obvious that he wasn’t joking in that it wasn’t funny. And jokes are funny. So answer that. Depp had a plan and even identified that the assassin would be an actor. Johnny Depp works as an actor and so we put two and two together.

Lawyers for Johnny Depp claimed that the whole thing was a big misunderstanding.

The police received a tip off from a woman who sounded like the actress from Drive Angry and The Rum Diary. They acted on this information, but we’ll clear this whole thing up soon enough. As long as Johnny doesn’t insist on paying me in cotton balls again. The whole case doesn’t make any sense. If he really wanted to do it, why would he announce it to an audience of thousands of people? In a filmed event?

However, security consultants have stated that this kind of anticipated confession represents a common tactic of double bluff. John Wilkes Booth openly spoke of assassinating Abraham Lincoln ‘as a joke’ before then actually assassinating Abraham Lincoln ‘for reals’.

On the bright side, it looks unlikely that there’ll be another Pirates of the Caribbean film in the near future.

PAUL MCCARTNEY STANDS IN FOR JOHNNY DEPP

HOLLYWOOD – Former Beatle Paul McCartney has replaced Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Pirates of the Caribbean adds Paul McCartney as captain Jack Sparrow in the latest instalment of the hit Pirate franchise. The leader of the Frog Chorus told Studio Exec:

Oh aye lar! It were sound! Me mate Johnny Depp called me up and said he was feeling a bit under the weather and would I come in and take his place. I said, ‘Yer what?’ And he said, ‘You know do a bit of acting like, for me’. I said ‘Fab!’

When did he call you?

Yesterday.

Would you like to do more acting?

I acted in the Beatles films obvs. And I did a cameo in Live and Let Die but it got cut because they said it was offensive. I dreamed of being an actor when I was a tyke. I don’t want to be known for just silly little love songs.

Did they change the script for you?

Yeah. Politics still interests me. Although the film needs to entertain the audience, it can also make people think.

About what?

Racism for one. I can’t believe racism still exists in 2017. I said to Kanye and Rihanna ‘It does me head in racism!’ They said I was right.

So how does that enter into the film?

 Captain Jack Sparrow is hunting for the grand piano of tolerance where the keys – the black and white keys, it’s a metaphor – live together in harmony. Once Jack has the piano, he’ll play a concert and stop all wars.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Pipes of Peace will be released in 2018.

 

JOHNNY DEPP DONATES 15 MILLION COTTON BALLS TO AFRICA

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp today donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa.

Johnny Depp announced he had donated 15 million cotton balls to Africa ‘to help with you know famine and stuff’. The troubled actor recently surprised tourists with his appearance as Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. He told the Studio Exec:johnny depp cotton balls

I’m amazing. Charity is my first love. I can’t live in a world where some people have 15,000 cotton balls a day and while others don’t have any. That just ain’t fair. Also, I want to get involved in going to the Syrian refugees and giving them some vintage electric guitars. I’ve seen the news and some of those guys just have cheap Fender replicas. It’s heartbreaking.

The move was widely seen as a publicity stunt to distract from the actor’s legal woes. First it was his plot to fill Australia with dog disease. Then his breakup with wife Amber Heard. Now he is in what could be a costly dispute with his business managers: The Management Group’s Joel and Robert Mandel. The Edward Scissorhands actor accused them of mismanagement. But the pair have counter-accused Depp of an extravagant lifestyle, something he did little to discount in a Wall Street Journal interview. In it he stated:

It’s my money. If I want to buy 15,000 cotton balls a day, it’s my thing.

The donation is evidently part of his private stock. Which countries in Africa will specifically receive the largess is as yet unclear.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow’s Legal Fees will be released in 2019.

JOHNNY DEPP SPENDS A DAY NOT HITTING WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD -Johnny Depp surprised fans yesterday, without hitting a woman.

Loveable rogue Jack Sparrow – AKA Johnny Depp – spent a day yesterday not hitting women. The occasion was the anniversary of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disneyland, Anaheim. Dressed as the pirate Jack Sparrow, Depp surprised and delighted his fans. Jodie Pattack told the Studio Exec:

It was amazing we were watching the scene as we went by and someone said, ‘wow that Jack Sparrow looks really like Johnny Depp’ but someone else said it couldn’t be because he wasn’t shouting at Amber Head or apologising to Australia about his dogs. When we came out it turns out it was Depp after all.

Sources close to Johnny told the Studio Exec:

This is what Johnny loves, being out there with the people who love him. Instead of being in a kitchen, full of rage looking for the corkscrew to open a bottle of wine.

Depp is due to return as Jack Sparrow in the new Pirates of the Caribbean film.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Alimony Island will be released in 2017.

TWO VERSION OF PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES SHOT

HOLLYWOOD – Two versions of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales have been reportedly shot.

The fifth instalment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – has been shot in two radically different versions, the Studio Exec has learned. Both films revolve around a desperate search for the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow by Javier Bardem’s Captain Salazar. In one version, Jack Sparrow played by Johnny Depp is found and in the other Amber Heard version, he isn’t. A source close to the production spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was actually fortuitous that the plot was already written around this search so it just became a matter of adding some bits to the second version and changing the ending. The studio has always thought this was a strong vehicle for Johnny but with things going the way they’re going they want some insurance, particularly as this is a family film. Should there be a video released of Johnny doing wild drunk shit, ranting about Jamie and the Magic Torch or humping the family dog, then we’ll release the non-Johnny version. However, if that doesn’t happen, then everyone will forget and we’ll get the loveable old pirate back again. And we all love Johnny, right? What do you think?

Pirates of the Caribbean will also star Orlando Bloom and will be released in 2017.

ORLANDO BLOOM RELEASED FROM CARBONITE

HOLLYWOOD – Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings actor Orlando Bloom has been successfully released from carbonite, it was revealed today.

Orlando Bloom has been defrosted from the carbonite that held him in suspended animation for several years in order to allow him to appear in the fifth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean. Although sources disagree it is thought that Bloom had been carbon frozen shortly after his appearance in Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven in 2005, though others contend that Bloom must have been subject to the controversial storage process following 2007’s Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.

Bloom watcher George Samsonite told the Studio Exec:

It is difficult to date Bloom’s freezing in carbonite because he did appear in a number of films following the hibernation process but the bland status of his acting makes it very difficult to tell if he has been frozen solid into a block or if he’s simply being Orlando Bloom. One thing we can say for certain is that his appearances in The Hobbit films were certainly taking place post-carbonite freezing.

Meanwhile news that Orlando Bloom had been unfrozen was met with worldwide consternation and markets in Asia tumbled. President Barack Obama issued a statement to try and reassure the citizenry:

Orlando Bloom has been released only for the duration of the filming of the new Pirates of the Caribbean film. We have had assurances from the film makers that Mr. Bloom will voluntarily submit himself once more to the carbon freezing process as soon as the film is completed. Apparently as well as being painless, it is believed that Bloom enjoys being frozen in carbonite, saying that it tickles.

Pirates of the Caribbean 5 will be released in 2017.

JOHNNY DEPP GOES THROUGH SECOND PUBERTY

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp was rushed to hospital last night with a rare case of second puberty.

The Pirates of the Caribbean star was taken ill during dinner when a witness speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec described the scene:

Johnny Depp was talking happily when mid-sentence, his voice broke. It just went up and then down again. It was strange and everyone turned round to see what was going on. And it was then we noticed this weird  bum fluff type hair appearing on his chin.

Depp retired for the evening, but later awoke with an intense urge top talk about his feelings and the meanings of Pink Floyd lyrics. He was admitted to hospital with what medics described as an intense case of second puberty.

Physician to the stars, Dr. Hali Tost explained:

Most of us only have one puberty, thank the good Christ, but in rare cases the fully grown or what us doctors call ‘adult’ patient can present with symptoms which are associated with puberty.

My God! What causes it Doc?

Usually, and this is very rare, the syndrome only occurs after a kind of regression back into childhood. There was a case in Australia where a man accidentally got locked in a crèche and when he emerged he had terrible acne and sulked all the time.  In the case of Johnny Depp, I imagine it has something to do with him dressing up all the time, like some silly child. Now he’s doing a serious role in Black Mass, playing an actual mature role, his body has caught the signal and is acting like he is just coming of age.

Does this mean he will be young again?

Oh Lord, no! People who go through second puberty always look dreadful. Truly awful. Nick Nolte went through it shortly after Prince of Tides.

Black Mass will be released tomorrow.  

JOHNNY DEPP SIGNS ON FOR MR. BENN

HOLLYWOOD – Soon to be seen in Black Mass, Johnny Depp has also added a big screen adaptation to popular British children’s cartoon character Mr. Benn to his roster.

Following his more serious dramatic turn as real life gangster Whitey Bulger, Mr. Benn looks to be a return to Johnny Depp’s comfort zone of dressing up in different costumes.The BBC television program from the 1970s told the story of the eponymous character, a straight laced business man with a suit and bowler hat who occasionally left his house on 53 Festive Road to visit a costume shop. The shop and its fez wearing shopkeeper, however had magical properties and when Mr. Benn exits the changing room, he enters the world appropriate to the costume he has chosen. Created by David McKee, the show was a favorite of British children everywhere but only ran for two years. The film version will be directed by Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson is rumored to be in talks to play the shopkeeper.

Johnny Depp spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

This is going to be my most autobiographical film to date. I am Mr. Benn. That’s my life. Dressing up and make believe, a fantasy world to which I escape and yet then cannot escape from.

So is it an analogy?

I don’t like Italian food.

Mr. Benn will be released in 2018.

WERNER HERZOG’S TRIP TO DISNEYLAND

HOLLYWOOD – Our intrepid Austrian correspondent, Rescue Dawn director Werner Herzog, visited Disneyland. This is his report.

First of all there is one matter that I fear must be resolved, or at the very least clarified.

Disneyland is not a land as such. Not the way Iceland, or Greenland, or – Lord helps us all – even England are lands. That is large country sized extents of terrain.

No. Disneyland is more like a large park situated near the town of Anaheim in California.

So we begin our journey with lies.

And unlike the aforementioned lands, you have to buy a ticket to enter this ‘land’ and the ticket is very, very expensive. But buy a ticket I did, for I was determined to use my utmost strength to understand a phenomena that had up until now eluded the transom of my being. I started with Space Mountain.

It was spectacular. A roller-coaster inside a building. Exhilarating and claustrophobic, precisely the emotional state I was in directing Christian Bale.

From there I went for a breather in a place I have always enjoyed sleeping. The cinema. But what’s this? Michael Jackson in some ill-advised acting role? Captain EO? I ululated in the way Arab women do when in the deepest grief and fled.  ‘Executive producer George Lucas and director Francis Ford Coppola changed the world when they released Captain EO in 1986,’ boasted the promotional material and I well believe it. A darkness entered the universe that has yet to be identified or eradicated.

Some comfort was to be attained by climbing the Matterhorn I hoped, but this proved to be a grave disappointment. Rather than encountering the dizzying adventures of  my youthful mountaineering adventures in Bavaria, the Matterhorn turned out to be simply another roller-coaster and the Pirates of the Caribbean was revealed to be a complete rip off the wonderfully original Johnny Depp/Keira Knightley movies. How can they sully that wonderful franchise with such dire commercial spin offs? Ditto the Haunted House.

Finally I took refuge in ‘It’s a Small World’. There was something stunning in the slow water cruise through a miasma of barely comprehensible sentimentality. I was Marlow heading up the river to confront Mr. Kurtz, the Hollow Man of exploitation and modern malaise. The children sang the Sherman brothers’ song at first as an anthem and then as a method of torture. It was water boarding for the ears and I was soon screaming along with all my fellow passengers.

I exited the ride a changed man. A sadder, frailer, more defeated version of the Werner Herzog of before. I was also, I am ashamed to say, very much under arrest.

For more wisdom from Werner Herzog, Click Here.

JAVIER BARDEM PULLS OUT OF BLANKET FACE

HOLLYWOOD – Rumors are rife today that Javier Bardem has dropped out of Sam Raimi’s low budget horror shocker Blanket Face currently in pre-production, because the Spanish Skyfall star wants to do a Pirates of the Caribbean film.

Sources close to Bardem said that the star was concerned that scenes of early morning facial distress might have an adverse effect on his career. He is also understood to have always been a huge fan of the Pirates of the Caribbean films, specifically for the way they make money. If true, the news comes as another blow for the Drag Me to Hell director’s dream project which has already suffered from two other high profile desertions, Sandra Bullock and Charles Dance.

The synopsis for the film reads:

The latest in extreme horror, Blanket Face tells the terrifying tale of a mythical psycho-beast who creeps into bedrooms at night and leaves disconcerting lines on the faces of his victims. Psychic explorers Jose (Javier Bardem) and Margo (Sandra Bullock) check into the Fern Grove Hotel where creepy owner Xavier Fern (Charles Dance) has seen his business collapse as a result of Blanket Face’s antics. Can they defeat the ancient evil? Or will they too look like they ought to rub their faces with hot towels?

Blanket Face is due out in 2015. 

 

NEW DISNEY ATTRACTION: DAS BOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Today at Disneyland, California, the latest attraction to be based on a Hollywood movie was unveiled: Das Boot: The Ride.

In the past, Disneyland has produced rides based on popular films such as the Indiana Jones ride and some rides have subsequently become films, most famously The Pirates of the Caribbean. But now Wolfgang Petersen’s amoral claustrophobic study of men at war in the depths of the ocean comes to life as an attraction for all the family (height restrictions do apply). 

Game designer Ziggy Paluchio told Studio Exec that this was:

The game we always dreamed of doing but never could do because of – you know – the Nazi associations and Walt never employed a Jew (if he could help it) and all that, but now, we thought, Hey, let’s just plunge people down to depths of several hundred metres and have rivets fire out at them. They will also have the crab powder and the farting competition. 

Das Boot is the first in a long line of attractions which will hopefully attract what Ziggy calls ‘the Criterion crowd’:

We have a new Wes Anderson ride. It does exactly what every other ride does but just two inches to the left. You don’t really enjoy it, but you pretend you do or people we hire shout at you for being dumb.

Das Boot is open from today.

ORLANDO BLOOM: 2012 BEST YEAR YET

LONDON – Orlando Bloom has had his best year yet as an actor, he declared yesterday. Bloom has been celebrating 2012 as the year in which he has made no bad films; not one.

‘It’s something I’ve been struggling hard to achieve,’ Bloomers said. ‘I was almost there last year but then I made The Three Musketeers and that was that.’
 
Throughout the noughties Bloom (or Orlando Blando as he prefers to be known) made a series of films that defined irritatingly stupid wastes of money from the interminable Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, which manage to render a joyride joyless, to the endless Lord of the Rings trilogy, culminating in the God awful crusade it-was-so-long-it-could-easily-have-been-a-trilogy Kingdom of Heaven
 
The problem with Blando was ‘the more films I made, the more apparent it became that I wasn’t a great actor.’ As Legolas the Elf, Bloom was convincingly unemotional, looked effete, had cat like grace and fired arrows, but when called on to play human beings as in Elizabethtown Bloomingdales consistently failed. 
 
‘Then I realised the secret, if I DIDN’T appear in films, not just not act – I’d been doing that from the get go – but not even turn up, not even make films, then my reputation would … well, no it’s too late for that, but still the world is a better place. Not a single bad Orlando Bloom performance in 2012.’