PAUL MCCARTNEY STANDS IN FOR JOHNNY DEPP

HOLLYWOOD – Former Beatle Paul McCartney has replaced Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Pirates of the Caribbean adds Paul McCartney as captain Jack Sparrow in the latest instalment of the hit Pirate franchise. The leader of the Frog Chorus told Studio Exec:

Oh aye lar! It were sound! Me mate Johnny Depp called me up and said he was feeling a bit under the weather and would I come in and take his place. I said, ‘Yer what?’ And he said, ‘You know do a bit of acting like, for me’. I said ‘Fab!’

When did he call you?

Yesterday.

Would you like to do more acting?

I acted in the Beatles films obvs. And I did a cameo in Live and Let Die but it got cut because they said it was offensive. I dreamed of being an actor when I was a tyke. I don’t want to be known for just silly little love songs.

Did they change the script for you?

Yeah. Politics still interests me. Although the film needs to entertain the audience, it can also make people think.

About what?

Racism for one. I can’t believe racism still exists in 2017. I said to Kanye and Rihanna ‘It does me head in racism!’ They said I was right.

So how does that enter into the film?

 Captain Jack Sparrow is hunting for the grand piano of tolerance where the keys – the black and white keys, it’s a metaphor – live together in harmony. Once Jack has the piano, he’ll play a concert and stop all wars.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Pipes of Peace will be released in 2018.

 

JOHNNY DEPP SPENDS A DAY NOT HITTING WOMEN

HOLLYWOOD -Johnny Depp surprised fans yesterday, without hitting a woman.

Loveable rogue Jack Sparrow – AKA Johnny Depp – spent a day yesterday not hitting women. The occasion was the anniversary of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in Disneyland, Anaheim. Dressed as the pirate Jack Sparrow, Depp surprised and delighted his fans. Jodie Pattack told the Studio Exec:

It was amazing we were watching the scene as we went by and someone said, ‘wow that Jack Sparrow looks really like Johnny Depp’ but someone else said it couldn’t be because he wasn’t shouting at Amber Head or apologising to Australia about his dogs. When we came out it turns out it was Depp after all.

Sources close to Johnny told the Studio Exec:

This is what Johnny loves, being out there with the people who love him. Instead of being in a kitchen, full of rage looking for the corkscrew to open a bottle of wine.

Depp is due to return as Jack Sparrow in the new Pirates of the Caribbean film.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Alimony Island will be released in 2017.

TWO VERSION OF PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES SHOT

HOLLYWOOD – Two versions of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales have been reportedly shot.

The fifth instalment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – has been shot in two radically different versions, the Studio Exec has learned. Both films revolve around a desperate search for the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow by Javier Bardem’s Captain Salazar. In one version, Jack Sparrow played by Johnny Depp is found and in the other Amber Heard version, he isn’t. A source close to the production spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was actually fortuitous that the plot was already written around this search so it just became a matter of adding some bits to the second version and changing the ending. The studio has always thought this was a strong vehicle for Johnny but with things going the way they’re going they want some insurance, particularly as this is a family film. Should there be a video released of Johnny doing wild drunk shit, ranting about Jamie and the Magic Torch or humping the family dog, then we’ll release the non-Johnny version. However, if that doesn’t happen, then everyone will forget and we’ll get the loveable old pirate back again. And we all love Johnny, right? What do you think?

Pirates of the Caribbean will also star Orlando Bloom and will be released in 2017.

ORLANDO BLOOM RELEASED FROM CARBONITE

HOLLYWOOD – Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings actor Orlando Bloom has been successfully released from carbonite, it was revealed today.

Orlando Bloom has been defrosted from the carbonite that held him in suspended animation for several years in order to allow him to appear in the fifth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean. Although sources disagree it is thought that Bloom had been carbon frozen shortly after his appearance in Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven in 2005, though others contend that Bloom must have been subject to the controversial storage process following 2007’s Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.

Bloom watcher George Samsonite told the Studio Exec:

It is difficult to date Bloom’s freezing in carbonite because he did appear in a number of films following the hibernation process but the bland status of his acting makes it very difficult to tell if he has been frozen solid into a block or if he’s simply being Orlando Bloom. One thing we can say for certain is that his appearances in The Hobbit films were certainly taking place post-carbonite freezing.

Meanwhile news that Orlando Bloom had been unfrozen was met with worldwide consternation and markets in Asia tumbled. President Barack Obama issued a statement to try and reassure the citizenry:

Orlando Bloom has been released only for the duration of the filming of the new Pirates of the Caribbean film. We have had assurances from the film makers that Mr. Bloom will voluntarily submit himself once more to the carbon freezing process as soon as the film is completed. Apparently as well as being painless, it is believed that Bloom enjoys being frozen in carbonite, saying that it tickles.

Pirates of the Caribbean 5 will be released in 2017.