BREAKING NEWS – In a shock turnaround, internet fandom has done a complete 180 degree swivel as the Blonder Bond website launches. Bond fans around the world have flocked to the site as the Blonder Bond website launches its campaign for an even blonder James Bond after Daniel Craig hangs up the tuxedo. The Exec spoke exclusively with the website’s owners, who wish to remain anonymous.
Guys, thanks for joining us for this anonymous interview.
Guys? That’s a bit assumptive. We could be women or non-binary. You don’t know.
You’ve launched a website demanding who they cast as Bond in the next film. You’re 100% male.
Yeah, ok. Fair enough.
So, tell us about the website.
We were the ones behind the DanielCraigIsNotBond.com website. The tide seems to have turned against us a little. So we decided to launch another website to make sure the next Bond is even blonder. Really ramp up the blonde.
How Do You Respond To Claims That This Kind Of Fandom Is Toxic?
Who the fuck said that? Gimme their names and their twitter handles. I’ll set up a website and twitter campaign to fuck their shit right up. Bastards. Umm… what I meant to say was, not at all. I just want to engage with my film fan community and express my love for these films.
What Did You Think Of Quantum Of Solace?
If I ever hear anyone say anything good about that film, they’re dead to me. They are obviously wrong about everything they have ever posted about. They know nothing about films. Particularly James Bond films. Hah! I bet they think Roger Moore was too old to play Bond towards the end. Idiots.
What Do You Think About The Release The Snyder Cut Campaign?
Those liberal minded assholes? They were far too willing to bend to the will of the consensus. Dicks.
Who Do You Think Should Play The Next James Bond?
Pierce Brosnan in a blonde wig. Tarantino to direct.
No Time To Die Is Out In The UK At The End Of The Month
LONDON – In what’s set to be the greatest 30 minutes in television history. All the actors who have played James Bond are set to battle each other in the ring in aid of Comic Relief.
Connery, Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, Brosnan and Craig will all take part in the no holds barred contest with the winner taking the coveted ‘King of The Bonds’ belt and raising a chunk of change for lepers and orphans in the process.
Hulk Hogan has signed on to guest referee the bout and he admits he is salivating at the prospect of marshalling the squared circle.
“ Let me tell you brother. The immortal Hulk Hogan has been in the ring with the greats. Andre the Giant, The Ultimate Warrior, Jake the Snake Roberts; but when I see Sean Conney jumping off the top turnbuckle to elbow drop Roger Moore. I know It’s going to be the best day of the Hulksters life”
The Bond’s are being trained by former wrestler and Ex governor of Minnesota Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura who admits he is impressed by how committed they have been to the task.
“ Lazenby is an animal he’s been lifting weights 26 hours a day and he’s always the first man on the training mats and the last man to leave. I wasn’t sure about Brosnan he was body slammed by Dalton, there was blood coming out of his nose and he came over to me to complain. I said “Hey, Remington Steele. You ain’t got time to bleed!”. Since then he’s knuckled down but the smart money is on Moore. You can’t hit what you can’t catch and Roger is as slippery as an eel that just fell into a bath of olive oil.”
Unfortunately latest reports have suggested that some contestants might be taking the match too seriously after Craig took to Twitter this morning claiming Connery is using performance enhancing drugs.
“The shit I saw him inject would kill ten Lance Armstrong’s” said an obviously angry Craig.
The bout will take place on March 31st at Madison Square Gardens. Ticket’s are on sale now.