DUCK DYNASTY STAR TO REPLACE LETTERMAN

NEW YORK – ZZ Top reject, Duck Dynasty patriarch and bigotry advocate Phil Robertson is set to replace David Letterman on the CBS Late Show.

A spokesperson for the network said: ‘We don’t know what you’re talking about. No that’s a terrible idea.’ Thus confirming the story.

Mr. Robertson himself said that he was ‘delighted’:

This is the first I’ve heard of it, but sure why the heck not? It’s about time that there New York had some old time religion and a man’s man telling them what for. And I’m quite the gabber too. So I’m really delighted.

 Did you expect to be in the running?

No. Not at all. To tell you the truth I thought after the old GQ interview I would be quietly phased out. No one watches the show any more except my cousins. Fortunately, being a loving family, they’re quite a brood, but not enough to push us into the upper percentiles. I was resigned to doing gun shows and Tea Party socials. So the opportunity to run The Late Show is beyond my wildest dreams. I’m so happy.  

The Late Show with Phil Robertson will broadcast some time in the next year.

DUCK DYNASTY: SERIOUSLY, WHO GIVES A F*CK?

HOLLYWOOD – Phil Robertson – former bass player for ZZ Top (I think) – made his money with a device that gets dumb animals to fly towards it so other dumb animals can blow them away with rifles.

And following a GQ profile in which Mr. Robertson stated that a woman’s vagina is roomier than a man’s asshole, A&E – the network responsible for the quality TV that is Duck Dynasty – suspended him, presumably so he could sit on the naughty step and think about what he’d done. As if responding to some giant Duck Commander, tens of thousands of committed Christians have honked into sight and – following the example of Jesus Christ – died for our sins signed an online petition: Sean Hannity has honked loudest and honk honk honk honk.

So it is left to Studio Exec to ask: 

  • seriously, who gives a f*ck? 
  • And more importantly, what is Dr. Phil’s opinion on women’s assholes? 
  • Do we really give a shit about sex advice from a man who seems to have grown his own contraception on the front of his face? 
  • Since when do we start calling families ‘clans’ and fathers ‘patriarchs’? 
  • Is Phil Robertson a member of the Russian Orthodox church? 
  • Will Vladimir Putin offer Phil asylum along with Edward Snowden but most certainly not Chelsea Manning?
  • Might Alec Baldwin and Phil Robertson star in a new stage version of The Birdcage?
  • Why do I feel sorry for ducks all of a sudden?
  • Is Sean Hannity really a man?

If anyone has the answers to these questions or anymore they’d like to suggest, please feel free to leave a comment.