WASHINGTON – 3000 recovery centers have been established by FEMA to deal with the opening of Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens.
The Federal Emergency Management Agency (or FEMA as it prefers to be known) has set up over 3000 recovery centers across the USA to deal with what it describes as ‘a post- Force Awakens emergency’.
A spokesperson for the Agency, Max Rangent, told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
We foresee that come December the 19th there might be a lot of people who need us. These facilities will be equipped with counselors and psychiatrists who have been trained to tend to those who are disappointed and potentially suicidal.
Do you think the film is going to be bad?
No, not all. But what would you rather? The film is great and we’ve set these tents up to no purpose, or the film is terrible and there is no one hand to talk the fan base down from the ledge? Think of it. All those kids dressed up like Jawas, all those grown men, all those adults who are nuts for the Force and spend their weekends attending barbecues dressed as Stormtroopers. Can you imagine what’s going to happen when they realize halfway through that the film they’re watching is only marginally better than Super 8, or Star Trek into Darkness.
I see your point.
Also imagine what would happen if the film wasn’t bad as such but just disappointingly mediocre. Not so much Phantom Menace as Matrix Reloaded.
Matrix Reload was absolute…
Okay, Matrix Revolutions. The deflation from such an intense hype that has been going on for the past year and a half would be so great that the human body might simply pop, like a big tired blood balloon.
I know. We’ll have supplies of the original trilogy, and the Lord of the Rings to soften the blow. We might even try to ween a few of them onto something softer like Star Trek. Something where they can get used to years of intense disappointment.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be released next week.
GENEVA – Today scientists at the CERN facility in Switzerland announced that they have proof positive that the Force – which gives the Jedi their power – has been proven to actually exist.
As only the latest in what has been a series of astounding discoveries, – the evidence of the God particle, then the speed of neutrinos – this breakthrough confirms what was already hinted at by George Lucas and millions of deluded unmarried men that the Star Wars universe actually has some relevance to our universe. In other words this is not just an adolescent space fantasy which is taken way too seriously, but a key to understanding the realm of the known objective universe.
The first inkling came when Dr. Fabiani in Trieste, Italy, discovered midi-chlorians in the blood stream, micro-organisms which work as a gateway to the force. Many criticized Fabiani for borrowing the term first used in Phantom Menace because ‘it lacked credibility’ and ‘the prequels are a complete pile of shit’ as an editorial in Nature put it.
However, George Lucas is said to be delighted at the news, feeling that it will serve as vindication for what many people, including the esteemed space pilot Han Solo, had called vaporous mumbo jumbo. His eyes glinting, Lucas spent many hours whimpering, ‘merchandising, merchandising.’
J.J Abrams who is currently completing Episode 7: The Force Awakens said that the discovery had no influence on the choice of the film’s title. ‘It is simply a lucky accident,’ he told the Studio Exec.
Some in the scientific community have urged caution, pointing to the cheapness and accessibility of soft drugs and hallucinogens in Switzerland at the moment.
Howard the Duck 2 is due for release in 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec FACT squad picks the top 5 worst CGI cliches.
The Studio Exec – the finest Film resource on the internet – brings you the 5 worst CGI clichés ever made in any film ever and shown on cinema screens in a movie house.
A cityscape of obvious CGI-ness, a surging score, you can already hear Terry Gilliam saying ‘It’s only a model!’, but then Lo! what’s that? a flock of birds departs from the eaves of one part of the city and heads somewhere else. The audience can be heard gasping at the realisation that as birds live here this is a real city, for if it wasn’t, where would they live? Lord of the Rings, Gladiator, Star Wars: The Phantom Diarrhoea and The Game of Thrones.
2, Following a ballistic weapon, missile, arrow etc. to its target:
Before CGI audiences would watch actions scenes with an arched eyebrow, and a monocle, smoking cigarettes in long cigarette holders and they would murmur: ‘That’s all very well, old boy, but if I don’t follow the cannonball from cannon mouth to explosion how can I really know what is happening?’ Please see The Alamo, Pearl Harbor, Lord of the Rings.
3, A character (usually a witness to a conspiracy) getting suddenly hit by a car, or truck:
the sudden shock of a character being hit by a speeding vehicle has been much reduced by the fact we’ve now seen it on a number of occasions. Please see The Edge of Darkness, World War Z, 21 Jump Street.
4, Strangely clean gore:
Ruby red blood gouting out of bodies torn literally to pixels. Please see Blade, 300, Resident Evil.
be they armies rushing at each other into battle, to the then clash in the middle, or zombie lemmings pouring over walls, there’s something about the hyper realism of the horde which is as disconcerting as Robert Zemeckis’ dead eyes. World War Z, 300, Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit and I am Legend.
ROME – Ewan McGregor revealed today that in a secret ceremony earlier that week he had taken orders as a Catholic priest.
The 41 year old actor will abandon his family and move into a seminary where he will study for a year before undertaking missionary work, possibly in Africa. Ewan McGregor told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
I was never that good an actor. And recently I’ve been unbelievably bad at choosing scripts. When I was doing Angels and Demons – another stinker by the way – Ron Howard said me that I looked great dressed like that. He said the cassock really suited me. And that got me thinking.
But what does Father Ewan think of the Catholic church’s stance on Gay marriage and abortion?
Do they have any stances on those issues? I don’t know about all that. I just love the clothes really. I like the way when I walk down the stone flagged aisles of the church it makes a lovely swishing sound. As for transubstantiation of the Eucharist and the reality of the Holy Ghost, I’ve been acting against green screen for years so I can sell any bullshit.
The Impossible will be Fr. Ewan McGregor’s final film.
SAN FRANSCICO – An emotional George Lucas admitted today the real reason for selling the Star Wars franchise to Disney: ‘I’ve been haunted by the ghost of Alec Guinness.’
The Howard the Duck director added that the haunting began shortly after the release of Attack of the Clones.
‘He would hover over my shoulder and in that clear British accent he would deliver the crudest insults and chip away at my self-confidence,’ Lucas sobbed. ‘Even when I was with other people, he’d appear at my shoulder dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi and he’d just say “You’re shit, you’re shit, you’re shit” until it all became one word.’
Lucas at first suspected that the ghost was an illusion created by disgruntled employees at ILM but Ewan McGregor had also experienced the haunting. ‘At first I was terrified,’ the Scottish ‘actor’ famed for his inexplicable ability to choose poor scripts said. ‘But then it just got boring. Alec was always having a go at my accent. He’d mutter, “sounds nothing like me” even when I was doing a scene.’
Lucas finally gave up and sold Star Wars to Disney earlier this year. ‘He still haunts me,’ says Lucas. ‘But he’s much less offensive and he even said some kind things about Red Tails.’
Ewan McGregor has since become a priest.
LONDON – Ernie Spank is the Special Collector’s Edition collector extraordinaire. And this is his DVD/Blu-Ray Collector’s Edition Interview with interactive menu and TV spots. Read it!
Ernie, when did you start collecting collector’s editions?
Well, Chad I suppose it was round about Gladiator or the Phantom Menace, or maybe it was Starship Troopers. The point was at that point DVDs were just beginning to become really popular and I had nothing to live for. My wife and children had all died and I was self-harming. And then I saw it: the Collector’s Edition of Snake Eyes. The single disc edition was pitiful. Special features were the interactive menu and scene selection. I wanted a commentary and a behind the scenes feature-ette.
So what happened next?
I just bought everything that said ‘Collector’s Edition’, because you know I was a collector and so if I saw on the packaging the words ‘Collector’s Edition’, I thought, that’s for me, specifically. If it had said, ‘Family Murderer’s edition’, I probably would have done the same. Or ‘hears voices in his head promising to reward murder with colourful lights and choral music edition’.
Who is your favourite director?
I love Ridley Scott. It’s almost as if that man makes films crap on purpose so he can have the biggest run up to the Special Collector’s Edition market. And then he lets rip with two disc, three disc, back to two disc and then four disc with the Japanese cut including eye gouging scene. That guy is the only director working who seems to think the DVD release is more important than the theatrical. Bless you Ridley!
And what is your most cherished disc?
I’d have to say the first Alexander by Oliver Stone. Because you buy the official Special Collector’s Edition and you think I’ve got it. The commentary, the docs. Trailers. The lot. And then he pulls out a director’s cut. Not much on this but you know. And then before the dollars are even cold in his wallet BANG Definitive Final Edition, motherfucker! To be followed by another edition. This guy has stones man. This guy made World Trade Center and he still goes around calling himself a director. Kudos.
HOLLYWOOD – In a remarkable change of heart, George Lucas published a statement this morning disavowing the Star Wars prequels and promising that the negatives will not only be destroyed but ‘every memory of them will be wiped from human memory’.
The statement that was issued from the Skywalker ranch this morning reads:
Several years ago, I began along a course of action which I have come to regret. I supposed it started with the Ewoks. I don’t know. I had created a popular Science Fiction film and then another, and finally there was Return of the Jedi, which had some good bits. At this stage in my career I felt I was done. I couldn’t think of anything else to do but take baths in the money that rolled in from Hasbro. But then I got really bored and some people started to say “Hey why don’t you make some more of them Star Wars films?” And so I thought why not? But the sad fact of the matter was any chops I had in the story telling game were as dead as a duck called Howard. I suspected it was all going wrong but the same people who had told me to do it in the first place would just greet every idea I had with like “Genius genius” even if it was shit biscuits. Even I hated Jar Jar Binks, but Stevie Spielberg was like “this is hilarious”. Last night I had a moment of clarity: it was all rubbish, all of it. And so I will use the full power of my wealth to buy back every DVD, BluRay and film print in existence of Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith and we’ll all get drunk and then burn them. It will be fucking excellent.
All I can say is I’m really sorry and I hope everyone will forgive but most of all forget. I will not rest content until the memory of the prequels is utterly wiped away.
Red Tails & Broomsticks is due for release in 2016.