5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT GAME OF THRONES

HOLLYWOOD – On the eve of the third season premier of Game of Thrones, let the amazing fact dragon Studio Exec breathe a fire of purifying non-fiction into your Hordor-shaped head, dispelling the enchantments of myth concerning the HBO masterpiece of televisual umphka-ba-rumph.

Let the Game of Thrones FACTS commence:

1 The Game of Thrones television series is an adaptation of Danish crime drama Spil af Troner which starred Mads Mikkelsen as a weary alcoholic police inspector, who was weary and alcoholic until a young girl is murdered and then he’s weary and alcoholic and searching for a killer in the white wastes of Northern Denmark.

2 The writer George R.R. Martin is the great grandson of J.R.R. Tolkien, but when an English gentleman has a baby with a dirty Yankie scullion maid (as Grandma Martin then was) offspring are legally allowed to keep only the middle initials. 

3 In adapting the books for the screen, writers changed many names to give the material a more realistic grittier feel. The Banstickitons were changed to the Lannisters; Biggus Dickus was changed to Little Finger and Portcullisarian Ephmayllindyoniousi was changed to Ned Stark. 

4 Peter Jackson has consistently embarrassed himself by publicly praising the use of forced perspective and motion capture to create Peter Dinklage’s character Tyrion Lannister, or the Imp. 

5 The dragons are all from Romania. Seventeen dragons are used in total even though there are only three dragon characters. This is due to Romania’s strict labor laws for mythical creatures, which means any one dragon can only work for four hours a day.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

DISNEY ANNOUNCE SEVEN DWARFS TO GET SEVEN STAND ALONE MOVIES

HOLLYWOOD – Disney have announced that the Seven Dwarfs from Snow White are to each receive a stand alone live action movie.

Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Bashful, Sneezy and Dopey are to each receive a stand alone spin off movie, produced by the Disney Studios. The Studio Exec spoke with Peter Dinklage who is to star in all of the movies.

So you happy with this Pete?

On the one hand yes. The timing couldn’t be better. Filming is due to start on the first later this year. Game of Thrones is winding down. And Pete’s gotta eat! But…

Reservations?

Well, when they first talked to me about it I did have a bit of a worry that I was going to be typecast, as basically, you know a dwarf.

I see. 

But I spoke with my good friend Michael Caine.

I didn’t know you knew Michael Caine.

Oh we’ve been friends since The Station Agent.

Right.

And he said I should go back to the original and watch it again. He said that I should look for the core of each character and so that’s what I did. I went back and looked for the core of the character.

And…?

Well, I found that one of them was kind of angry all the time. Always in a bad mood.

Grumpy.

Exactly. So I thought, okay I have his core. Michael comes from the Stanislavksi school, so that’s why he was giving me this advice and so am I. The next one seemed always to be tired, fatigued, in need of bed…

Sleepy?

Yeah, exactly. So I had his core and so on and so forth. One was intelligent so I thought to myself what if he were a PhD?

Doc!

Wow! Exec, you’re reading my mind.

But those are just the names of the Seven Dwarfs, Peter.

Get outta town.

For reals. 

That Caine’s a piece of shit.

Peter Dinklage will next be seen in Dopey.

 

HUGH LAURIE OWNS A HOUSE

HOLLYWOOD – In a remarkable coincidence the star of medical drama House, Hughe Laurie, it was revealed today, owns a house.

Hugh Laurie told stunned reporters that he had owned several houses throughout his career, but the latest one was a beautiful farmhouse in the Cotswolds, England. Although a well known face in England for over a decade, Hugh Laurie only became famous in the US for his portrayal of cantankerous medical genius Dr. Gregory House in the television series House.

Laurie watcher Jace Windu told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Of course you can be disappointed that Hugh owns a house, but personally I just think it’s so Hugh. I mean this man is so talented. He can act in drama and he is a wonderful comedian and to add to that he is a truly special musician. So he owns a house? So what? Is that linguistic determinism? Is it hypocrisy? I don’t know. Should he rent? All I know is that he has given pleasure to millions of people and so if he wants to own a house why in the hell not?

However, the New York Times criticized Laurie for his property holdings.

Noted opinionista Paul Krugman writes in this morning’s newspaper:

Hugh Laurie is a man of many talents to be sure. But for him to have a house having become famous in this country for portraying someone called House sets a dangerous precedent. Next we’ll learn that the Dukes of Hazzard are actually aristocrats, or that Bryan Cranston has Broken Bad, or that Peter Dinklage and Emilia Clarke actually play musical chairs during breaks in filming. Laurie, for the sake of his fellow actors, should rent, preferably an apartment.

House: The Motion Picture will be released in 2017.

MANIMAL SURPRISES AT THE EMMYS

HOLLYWOOD – The 67th Emmy awards took place at the Microsoft Theatre with Andy Samberg presenting the awards, but the major upset of the evening was Manimal the 1983 adventure series that swept all the major categories.

Manimal, a short-lived adventure series started and ended in 1983, but last night it swept the Emmys due to a glitch in the voting mechanism. Beating out the likes of Mad Men, Orange is the New Black, Veep and Game of Thrones, Manimal won best drama series, best comedy series, best non-prosthetic make up and Simon MacCorkindale won best actor, beating out the likes of John Hamm and Bob Odenkirk.

Peter Dinklage – who plays Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones – spoke bitterly of his disappointment to the Studio Exec:

I’m bitterly disappointed. We were expecting stiff competition this year from Mad Men sure, but Manimal? That came from nowhere and swooped in like an eagle and took the award from my grasp. I mean was it even a good show? I didn’t even see it.

Although Manimal only ran for nine episodes in the early eighties, it received a massive cult following among internet groups and it is these groups which are thought to have interfered, or swung, the voting process. Starring MacCorkindale as Dr. Jonathan Chase, Manimal follows the shape shifting manimal as he solves crimes as a bull, or a dolphin, or a snake, or a monkey, or a giraffe. The Emmys host Andy Samberg was philosophical about the outcome and the outpouring of anger and hatred that soon followed:

It’s just like 2007 when Airwolf won everything. Or 2013 when it was Modern Family AGAIN. Nah, people bitch and complain but the fact is it is also cyclical. These things come around.

A new Manimal film starring Will Ferrell has been greenlit for 2017.

 

ISIS POST 5 STAR PIXELS REVIEW

PALMYRA – ISIS (also known as the Islamic State of Iraq and al-Sham) have given the Adam Sandler comedy Pixels a five star review in what is being viewed as another attack on culture.

The ISIS “Pixels” review was posted on Rotten Tomatoes, as well as on various Jihadi websites across the internet. It reads:

Adam Sandler returns to form with another hilarious comedy with all the thrills and spills of an arcade classic! Sandler is joined by Kevin James and Peter Dinklage (from the awful Game of Thrones) as a team of video gamers who are called to save the world when aliens invade in the form of classic arcade game monsters from the games of their youth. As Pac-Man and Donkey Kong rip up the city, our intrepid team must learn to fight together as they exchange rib tickling quips. It is fun all the way. And has some deep things to say about how women are awful.

Harry Potter director Christopher Columbus does an able job of mixing the comedy with the action and the score by

The UN believe that this is a second stage of the well-publicized attack on cultural artifacts.

A spokesperson told the Studio Exec:

Whether blowing up ancient Buddhist shrines, or trash sculptures and buildings in the Middle East, ISIS have shown themselves to be absolute enemies of culture and art. We believe that the Pixels review is the second prong of that same attack. If ISIS can raise the percentage on Rotten Tomatoes it will get more people to watch Adam Sandler films and who knows what else. The Fantastic Four maybe. That will obviously have a personal cost on the people who are duped into watching those films, but it also might turn some susceptible youth into a terrorist who hates the kind of society that can produce Grown Ups 2.

 

The CIA and MI5 have both said that they will be monitoring film sites from now on and any suspicious activity should be reported immediately to the appropriate authorities.

Pixels is on current release.

GAME OF THRONES GUIDE FOR NOVICES

WESTEROS – So everyone has been talking about Game of Thrones and now Season 5 is on and you’ve not watched, or read the 23,467 pages of the George RR Martin novels Songs of Fire and Ice.

Especially for you the Studio Exec FACT squad has prepared a quick catch up guide so you won’t look like a complete fool as you watch the new Season of Game of Thrones with your ‘friends’.

1.  When watching the character called the Imp (Peter Dinklage) DO say ‘He’s my favorite’; DON’T say ‘Elijah Wood’s aged.’

2. If there is a scene of sexiness DON’T say ‘I didn’t know this was porn’; DO say ‘What a refreshing take on Tolkienesque fantasy tropes!’

3. If you really like a character and storyline DON’T say ‘wow this is an interesting storyline and fascinating character’; DO say ‘They’re going to die horribly’.

4. When watching an apparently unrelated story taking place somewhere hot involving someone called Daenerys Targaryen, DON’T say ‘This bit is dull’; DO say ‘What a lovely pair of dragons!’

5. When confused by the mass of characters, the number of strange almost normal names, the weird places, the way everything seems to be happening but nothing ever actually happens, the apparent arbitrariness of the plot and the endless, endless wandering about, DON’T say ‘This is bullshit’; DO say ‘what a wonderfully complex almost Tolstoyan reinvention of the fantasy genre’.

For more FACTS click HERE.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT GAME OF THRONES (SEASON 5)

WESTEROS – We all think we know The Game of Thrones (Season 5) but other than the fact that Winter is always Coming, what do we really know?

The Studio Exec FACT squad graphically murdered several lead characters in unexpected ways to find out some more of the lore.

1. The Game of Thrones show is now entirely divorced from George RR Martin novels following the discovery that Martin had no idea where the story was going and had actually placed his characters in a holding pattern – endlessly circling each other – for two books while he tried to figure out what to do next. Every episode of the new season is entirely improvised. Peter Dinklage told us that ‘it is really exciting, but dangerous. You can feel the fear among the cast. Except for Emilia Clarke who’s always too drunk to care.’

2. Since reinventing action cinema with Pompeii, Kit Harrington, who plays Jon Snow, now refuses to take any direction whatsoever and has forced everyone to greet him with the line: ‘Jon Snow knows everything’.

3. Despite the idea that Season Four was going to have a peaceful ending, violence has continued to be a part of the show’s fantasy cocktail, but real life violence on the set has caused a number of deaths. The main culprits are reportedly Emilia Clarke’s dragons which have grown so large and unruly that HBO are going through tens of interns every season. An inside source told the exec: ‘Those who aren’t incinerated are eaten, and the remains are thrown to the dogs.’

4. Although sex has always been a sure fire element of the show’s popularity, Game of Thrones producers have a very strict method of keeping the sex under control using charts which specify how many penises, breasts, buttocks and front fannies can be shown in each episode, with dimensions and heft specified.

5. Sean Bean will return for the finale of Season Five and kill everyone. This wasn’t in the original storyline, but Bean had been nursing his resentment for four seasons and so producers – at a loss how to conclude the season – called him back and allowed him free reign.

For more FACTS click HERE.

ELIJAH WOOD IS ‘NOT ACTUALLY TINY’

HOLLYWOOD – It was belated revealed today that actor and Hobbit Elijah Wood is actually regular adult size and not as has previously been assumed tiny the way he was in Flipper and Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

The revelations came during an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, an extract from which can be read below:

So how is it you will appear to be an adult size in Breck Eisner’s new film The Last Witch Hunter?

Well, I am normal size. I mean I’m just 5 foot five inches. I’m not a giant but yeah.

So they’ll use CGI to stretch you, or will Breck rely on ‘forced perspective’?

Neither. I mean I’ve been in a ton of films as myself, I mean as my own size. You haven’t seen Wilfred?

Non.

Maniac?

The remake?

Yes.

Non.

Grand Piano?

Non.

Well you can see me now?

I assumed you were wearing some kind of prosthetic assemblage.

You can’t honestly have thought we were all Hobbit sized.

So you’re saying Martin Freeman isn’t…

No.

Or Pippin and Merry?

No.

Or Tyrion Lannister?

Ah well. Yes, Peter Dinklage is … that’s his actual size.

Mon Dieu! Je suis confused.

 

Elijah Wood fans the world over reacted to the news with a mixture of consternation and disbelief.

Becky Hamilton from Iowa had this to say:

I think it like sucks. I mean. If you’re going to be small in one movie. You should really be small in all the movies. Otherwise I mean. What?

Jonah Painter, the current mayor of Hobbiton, said that Wood had ‘betrayed his Hobbity roots and would not be receiving a warm welcome on his return to the shire’.

Elijah Woods’ new film The Last Witch Hunter is directed by the man responsible for Sahara and will be released in 2015.

 

GAME OF THRONES ENDS WITH EVERYONE ‘AGREEING TO GET ON’

WESTEROS – Last night’s final episode of HBO series Game of Thrones was perhaps the most shocking yet.

Everything was set up for murderous conflict but in one of the most baffling scenes of the show’s 4 season history everyone got together in a large room and talked out their problems resolving in the future to just ‘get on with each other’ and ‘try harder to be friends’.

Tyrion Lannister and his father and sister broke into  tears and embraced as Jaime Lannister promised that there would be no more raping his sister.

Jon Snow and the Mance decided from now on the Crows and the Wildlings would be ‘like the best friends ever’. And Danerys Targaryan agreed in Slaver’s Bay that she really didn’t want to go to King’s Landing and claim her rightful inheritance and was happy to spend the rest of her life working for Amnesty International and tending to her dragons. 

Arya and the Hound, Sansa and Petyr Baelish all had a nice Chinese meal and promised to be more considerate, and, although Petyr was caught crossing his fingers, the incident was laughed off as he explained with a shrug ‘Old habits die hard’.

The last shot of the season was a montage of the various characters making a huge daisy chain to the sound of Pharrell Williams singing some guff about a room without a roof!

For more Game of Thrones, Click Here.

GAME OF THRONES: SEASON 4: EPISODE 9

Every week we are going to have an episode review of Game of Thrones Season Four which will include SPOILERS for seasons One through to the last episode screened of Season Four. 

THE WALL – It has to be said, this season has got better and better during the latter half. And the strength of the penultimate episode – the Watchers on the Wall – was reinforced by the forsaking of what had made some of the season feel bitty and narratively lax. It finally stopped hopping from Slaver’s Bay to Westeros to wherever Arya and the Hound are supposed to be and just focussed on one story: Jon Snow and the battle to defend Castle Black from the Wilding hordes.  

Directed by Neil Marshall – who was also responsible for Season 2’s Blackwater epic – the episode is far grander and more spectacular than television really has any right to be. It recalled The Two Towers, but without any need for condescension. The action is well orchestrated and at times visually stunning. There is a brilliant wandering onesie through the raging battle – though the protracted one shot take is now becoming – post-Cuaron – a staple of HBO. True Detective first blew the doors off with one and one suspects that directors are rubbing their hands and working out ways to jimmy a seven minute no cut sequence into the next episode of Orange is the New Black

If there is any criticism, it remains that of always regarding this storyline: the characters are dull. Jon Snow finally got to do some fighting and Samwell Tarly was allowed to rectify one of his more crass mistakes. Although the latter did provide some unintentional humor. ‘I’ll never leave you’ – ‘where you going?’ ‘I didn’t mean I’d stay in the same room’. The genuine emotional moments also felt a bit empty. Instead of gut-wrenching, we had to pause the death of several named characters as we rewound our memory a season to remember why this was moving. Oh yeah, the cavern. 

But this is churlish in the extreme. The show was action packed fantasy at its best and the fact that I’m even bringing up character and stuff is evidence of how high the show has raised the standard. One more episode to go and how I wish there were more.

For more Game of Thrones and all our reviews CLICK HERE.  

GAME OF THRONES: SEASON 4: EPISODE 6

Every week we are going to have an episode review of Game of Thrones Season Four which will include SPOILERS for seasons One through to the last episode screened of Season Four. 

WESTEROS – I’ve been occasionally harsh on Game of Thrones this season, but it’s tough love and I was pleased to see the series regain some of its impetus in ‘The Laws of Gods and Men‘.

This was due in large part to Peter Dinklage’s Tyrion Lannister briefly regaining center stage and facing off with his father (an imperiously brilliant Charles Dance).

The show opens with the failed rescue of Theon Greyjoy/Reek, which has to be one of the most Monty Python moments of the show’s history – ‘Attack! Attack!’, ‘release the hounds’, ‘Run away! Run away!’ I do like Iwan Rheon as the lightly voiced nutcase Ramsay Snow, but I find myself waiting for this bit to end rather than following it with any real interest.

Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) is proving a fairly hopeless Queen. Her decision to compensate a goatherd three times the value of the goats her dragon immolated can only lead to widespread goat burning surely. And the noble who pleads to bury his father revealed her moral and practical naivety. She didn’t think the Masters had families? She doesn’t believe those families might lie? But everyone looks smug and happy with her education, until she finds out how many supplicants she has – over two hundred! Oh no. But wait a minute. Aren’t you the Queen? Just tell them to f*ck off. Or you know, come back tomorrow.

But then the scene was set for the trial and what has to be the best dramatic set piece thus far of the season. This is what elevates the HBO show above most other fare, characters that we care about coming head to head. Some of the strongest actors in the whole show were given their moment to pile on Tyrion, betraying him with a Tyrion’s Greatest Hits. He was always a smart mouth and now it looks like getting him killed. With studied economy, Dinklage was allowed only to play reactions. It was well directed by Alik Sakharov, who gave the characters space and time to do their thing. And the timing was excellent, as Tyrion’s increasing humiliation built, the possibility of a release, the final straw, the most painful rekjection and then his beautifully played rage. Magnificent. Keep it up.

For more on Game of Thrones Click HERE.   

GAME OF THRONES: SEASON 4: EPISODE 5

Every week we are going to have an episode review of Game of Thrones Season Four which will include SPOILERS for seasons One through to the last episode screened of Season Four. 

WESTEROS – This week’s episode of Game of Thrones –‘The First of his Name’ – began to take the piss, or water dance as George RR Martin likes to call it.

Tommen got a crown. Weddings are arranged. A keep is burned to the ground and Sansa is once more in trouble. The ‘A Lannister Always Pays his Debts’ Lannisters are in trouble with the Iron Bank. Mining output down, interest rates up, wasteful and inflated defense budget? The Credit Crunch has hit Westeros and Charles Dance is bricking them, but alas not gold bricking them. Okay, it’s a nice twist. But what’s this Daenerys Taragaryan has got a navy capable of carrying her unsullied army to King’s Landing and seizing it. Wooo Hoooo! Let’s go. Last one to decapitate a Lannister’s a rotten egg. But wait, what’s this Jorah? Daenerys? In danger of actually progressing some story here. Okay best not then. Might be in danger of a conclusion. 

‘I will do what Queens do. Faff about.’


But at least Jon Snow is going to attack Craster’s Keep where – as chance would have it – his long lost brother Bran and the family pet Hordor are captive. Great! There’ll be back together again and we can… no. No. No. Back off. That would be an end as well. Best to go on because of some LSD vision about a mutant crow. 


To be fair at least we found out that Arya is still water dancing (which is pretty good description of George RR Martin’s narrative elusiveness if you prefer not to go with piss-taking). And we get a huge revelation that Lord Petyr Baelish is a cad and that Lysa poisoned her husband at his instigation, given in a quick pre-coital exposition whisper. All but the most committed fans were probably thinking ‘erm…’ as they tried to remember Lysa’s husband and whether this information was as stupendous as it felt like it ought to be.

All in all the narrative incontinence of the books is beginning to take a toll on the series. The set pieces are still good (mouth sword action ahoy) and there is still some excellent dialogue: ‘Everywhere in the world they hurt little girls.’ But lots of stuff happening without the sense of a conclusion, or impending conclusion is beginning to make Game of Thrones the first fantasy soap opera. 

In next week’s episode Jon is worried about Bran and Arya gets into a tricky situation with her Hound. 

For more Games of Thrones stuff CLICK HERE.

FIRST PEEK: GAME OF THRONES SEASON 4

WESTEROS – Season 4 of Game of Thrones – based on George JRR Martin’s Song of Fire and Ice series – is due to be broadcast in 2014, but the Studio Exec managed to get a sneak peek at the new season EXCLUSIVELY and has to report a radical departure from the tone of the first three seasons as well as the books.

Show runner David Benioff ushering us into the HBO screening room muttered testily:

We all got real bored of the traipsing about from hither to yon, borken occasionally by some bloody violence or gratuitous sexual tickle and slappery. Plus I’ve read the books so I knew that we were in for more of the same. Traipse, traipse, slash, slash, slap-tickle. We thought let’s have some fun.

Although what we saw was an assemble cut without music, special effects and with some scenes missing, it was immediately apparent that the show had changed direction. Here are some notes we took:

  • Peter Dinklage‘s wonderful Tyrion Lannister is killed off very early in the first episode. There was no discernible reason for this, but Benioff mentioned that the star was making demands and had become power crazy. He’s killed in a tennis accident. 
  • Every time Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke) appears on screen with her dragons to try and raise an army, all her clothes fall off and there’s a Benny Hill like chase, during one such chase they all have to jump sharks. 
  • The White Walkers from the North of the Wall kill and eat Jon Snow (Kit Harington) and then die of being boringness. 
  • Sean Bean comes back as Ned Stark, but is killed in every episode as a tribute to Kenny from South Park
Game of Thrones Season 4 will be broadcast in 2014.