HOLLYWOOD – The first poster and synopsis for Die Hard 6 hit the internets today and caused a massive explosion which we walked away from without looking back.

Die Hard 6 is fast becoming a reality with the first poster, a synopsis and a photo from a key scene all becoming available EXCLUSIVELY via the Studio Exec. Bruce Willis came round to the Studio Exec bungalow personally ‘to shoot the sh*t’, but Woody Allen had just left and so we talked Die Hard 6 instead.

What will the new film be called?

We wanted to go original with this one. We’ve had the tall building, we’ve had the airport and New York. We even had cyber-space and Russia, but what we didn’t have was a winsome romantic comedy that will melt your heart and that was when we decided on Cameron Crowe as a director and Die Hard: We Bought a Zoo was born.

Amazing title. What’s the story?

It’s simple John McClane is sick of the same old shit happening to him time and time again. He really is ‘too old for this sh*t’. So he buys a farm and settles down with his first wife and new brood of kids.

That sounds like a real departure from the Die Hard formula. What…

But an international gang of East German Dentists want to shoot some trophies and the last surviving rhinoceros in the world, is in the McClane zoo. John McClane has to strap on the vest and the gun and go out and make sure those that want to destroy the zoo he bought, buy the farm! That’s one of the slogans we’re working on.die hard 6

What’s the other?

He was zoo keeping for a living. Now, he’s zoo keeping for his life!

They’re both winners.

I know, right. Benedict Cumberbatch is going to be the chief dentist and Penelope Cruz is a South American orthodontist who has a change of heart.

Die Hard: We Bought A Zoo will be released in 2017.

Images courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.




Dear Vladimir Putin,

I’m Jon Voight and I am more than angry. I am genuinely furious. I mean, what the f*ck do you think you’re doing Vladimir? Seriously? Stirring up all that shit in the Ukraine and then a passenger jet gets shot down. As if the Malaysians didn’t have enough to put up with without you causing them even more grief. I’m so angry with you I can hardly even speak.  Continue reading “JON VOIGHT PENS LETTER TO VLADIMIR PUTIN”


THE COUNSELOR: REVIEW – David from Prometheus (Michael Fassbender) has returned to Earth, blended into the legal profession, re-attached his head and is putting it to good use on Penelope Cruz, but – because he knows more than one Mexican – he’s involved in some kind of drug deal and – because this is a film – it goes wrong.

Incidentally, why are drug deals, bank heists and kidnappings always going wrong in films? What a skewed view of the world! I’ll have you know that for every drugs deal, bank heist and kidnapping that goes wrong, there are thousands that go off without a hitch and everyone goes home happy. How about giving the hardworking girls and boys in the criminal underworld a break and show some happy stories about how well organised they all are? Enough of the negativity, Hollywood!

Anyway down to serious business.

Ridley Scott’s film looks good but sounds awful. Because of the f*cking words. Cormac McCarthy’s script is awful: everyone talks like people talk in Cormac McCarthy novels and no one has talked like that for two hundred years and even then… But that’s not the worst thing. The worst thing is some of these lines are spoken by Cameron Diaz, a barely capable comic actress who is utterly out of her depth here, which is odd, because despite the cod philosophizing of the script the film is actually embarrassingly superficial. But still she’s out of her depth.

McCarthy is a kind of superficial writer. You can get away with it in novels, with your spare prose and references to the King James Bible, but films show it up.

No Country for Old Men borrowed its plot from Dumb and Dumber, but it was so well filmed and acted no one cared. The Road didn’t have a plot so much as a setting and some dour clichés. The Counselor decides to do the clever elision thing, so we know there’s a plot somewhere but Cormac isn’t telling and then he repeats ‘symbols’ so we get some larger ‘point’. And the dialogue wants to sound clever but never actually is.  And if you think I’m being a bit cold, remember: the truth has no temperature.



BARCELONA – Spanish film director Pedro Almodovar finally put paid to rumors that have been circulating for years concerning his sexuality.
‘I’m gay,’ he told journalists, feigning surprise at the question. ‘I’ve never made a secret of my sexuality. Jesus Christ, look at my films.’

Journalists were horrified to discover Almodovar was not married to Penelope Cruz as many had assumed, nor engaged, nor dating, and she was in fact married to Javier Bardem, another Spaniard, who played the gay villain in Skyfall.

Is Bardem gay as well?
‘No,’ he said. ‘That was acting.’
Antonio Banderas is also Spanish.