MICHAEL BAY IS TO REMAKE BARRY LYNDON

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay plans to remake Stanley Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon.

Barry Lyndon is a classic of cinema and will finally get a remake. Transformers and Pearl Harbor director Michael Bay plans to remake Stanley Kubrick’s adaptation of William Thackery’s novel of the same name. Longtime Kubrick fan, Bay spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

I love all of Kubrick’s work, but Barry Lyndon for me is the film that most completely sums up the potential of cinema. It is a subtle and beautiful, frequently moving achievement. Technically masterful, there is a tone of melancholy about the story of the young Irish rogue who rises through the English aristocracy only to fall again. The composition, the use of light and color, the performances. The great use of Thackery’s own words in Michael Horden’s narration… everything is almost cinematic perfection.

So what are you going to bring to the remake?

First of all, my version is going to be updated. Set in 2018, Andrew Garfield plays Barry. He comes to Los Angeles just as massive robots invade the Earth. Bang, bang, crash, crash. Candlelight. You get the picture.

Barry Lyndon: 2018 will be released in 2018.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER RECALLS LEE MARVIN

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer returns just in time to cast his gimlet eye over the dream factory of Hollywood, turning his attention specifically to War Movies.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that war can be an utterly ghastly affair. It really does have a tendency to drag on a bit. That said war movies can be very jolly indeed. I’ve been in more than I care to remember, and would’ve starred in The Dirty Dozen as well if they hadn’t already hired too many actors. I said they should just change the name to The Filthy Thirteen, but the studio wasn’t interested.

War movies are a bit like actual wars really in that ideally you want to end up on the winning side. When you get the script have a flick through, and if you have the line ‘for you my friend ze var iss over’ or anything like that then you’re in trouble. The best thing to do is find someone in the costume department and bung them a few quid in the hope they’ll give you the other team’s uniform. It worked for Gary Cooper in Sergeant York, that’s all I’m saying.

There’s also a fair chance that you’ll have to do a bit of marching. This isn’t as difficult as it sounds as long as you can remember the hokey-cokey! Basically there’s a chap at the front with a moustache, you all line up behind him, and he starts shouting out the moves. When he says ‘left’ you put your left leg in, when he says ‘right’ you put your right leg in, and you just carry on from there really. Burt Lancaster was a lovely marcher, despite his many failings as a human being. His secret was he had not one, but too wooden legs. He’d screw them on, the director would shout ‘action’ and he’d go for miles! The rest of us would have trouble keeping up! It was a great sadness that he got set upon by a family of beavers, ending an otherwise glittering career. To this day I still maintain that he could’ve marched in the Olympics he was that good.

The finest war movie ever made has to be Pearl Harbour, and were Stanley Kubrick alive to have seen it I know he would’ve agreed with me. It was my idea to cast the late Elizabeth Taylor as Pearl, and for my money it was one of her very finest performances. Goodness knows how many hours she had to spend in make up, but it was worth every moment, and with characteristic grace she refused to be credited for the role. We all laughed when she insisted on being paid in bitcoins, then we found out that the fortune she made from that was what funded her fracking operations in the North Atlantic.

But that’s another story…

For more Fluffer please be so good as to CLICK HERE.

 

BEN AFFLECK HAS FOUR FINGERS AND A THUMB

HOLLYWOOD – Photographic confirmation arrived today that the new Batman, Ben Affleck has four fingers and a thumb at the end of his left arm appendage.

Finally the mystery of what is on the end of Ben Affleck’s left wrist has been conclusively solved as British newspaper The Daily Mirror showed that he had the regular four fingers and a thumb. Although not the most attractive hand in the business – that belongs to David Duchovny – there are no irregular protrusions or weird bulbous effigies but rather a perfectly ordinary number of digits. Best friend Matt Damon instantly leapt to the defence of his best friend.

People have been going on for what seems like centuries about Ben’s hand ever since Pearl Harbor – and I mean the actual Japanese attack, not the movie – has he got a hand? What’s he hiding? It’s absolutely ridiculous. What with the divorce already weighing on his shoulders, you could at least let the man have the privacy of his own hands! Don’t you think?

However, other industry insiders were wondering why it took Affleck so long to reveal his hand. Willem Dafoe, a longstanding advocate for hands, said:

It doesn’t help when a star of Ben Affleck’s stature leaves his hand in his pocket all the time or puts it in some kind of glove. It makes it look like he has something to hide and simply encourages speculation.

Silence of the Lambs director, Jonathan Demme called for calm and understanding.

I mean this guy was fundamental in saving the world from that asteroid a few years ago. Something that everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten. We should definitely cut him some slack. He’s got a hand. In our heart of hearts we all knew that he would have. And just because someone doesn’t go around waving it around like Duchovny doesn’t mean a thing.

Batman v Superman will be released in 2016.

MICHAEL BAY TO RETIRE

HOLLYWOOD – The world of film was rocked today as the genius behind such films as Pearl Harbor and Pain and Gain – Michael Bay – announced that Transformers 4: Age of Extinction will be his last film as a director.

He explained his motives for taking early retirement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It’s partly the pressure and the relentless criticism. People see me as this arrogant blow hard who just doesn’t care, but I do care. I read all my reviews and I have to say it hurts. I care about making quality films and it has finally dawned on me that – although it’s been very difficult to admit – I’m just not as good at it as I want to be. I’m never going to make a Tokyo Story or a Last Year at Marienbad for instance. Understanding this and being in the financial position that I’m fortunately in, I’ve decided to quit while I still have time to pursue other interests.

Such as?

I really want to write a novel. I’ve been toying with loads of ideas and I think I’m ready to put pen to paper. I’d also be interested in painting.

Painting?

I know. It’s wild, isn’t it? At first I thought, I’ll never be able to paint but then I came across these kits you can buy. The canvas is already drawn for you and there are numbers in each part which correspond to the correct color. It’s all about the application.

Michael Bay will still continue to work as a producer but he says he will increasingly hands off.

I really don’t want to be around film people any more. I have my novel to write.

Can you tell us more about the novel?

I don’t want to talk it out but it’s basically autobiographical. About a misunderstood genius who has a fear of public speaking and who withdraws from the public spotlight. I can give you the title.

Go on.

It’s called Armageddon Out of Here.

Transformers Age of Extinction will still be released.  

MY FAVORITE FILM: MICHAEL BAY

I know this is going to surprise some of you – hell, it surprised me – but my all time favorite film has to be Tokyo Story by the Japanese master of cinema Yasujiro Ozu. I saw this film when I was fifteen years old and it totally blew my mind. 

A retired couple come to Tokyo to spend some time with their children, though their kids are too busy to spend much time with them. The exception is their widowed daughter-in-law, who treats them with consideration and respect. The story is sleight (it’s actually based on an American film funnily enough) but the performances are beautifully done, the framing is exquisite with Ozu creating a series of magic boxes to pry into and the quiet power of the film is touching beyond words.

When I was working on Transformers 2 and I was in some trouble, I sat down and re-watched Tokyo Story. As a matter of fact, I’ve done this before I make every film I’ve made: Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II. It’s a terrible mistake. I watch it and I weep for hours afterwards, in the shower, with the water on full blast, fully clothed. I scream until my voice is hoarse and then when I’m exhausted and there’s nothing more I can do, I clean up, go out to the set and carry on making the cinematic equivalent of diarrehtic faeces, happy in the knowledge that no one will ever compare my films to Tokyo Story.  

TRANSFORMERS IS INACCURATE, SAYS HISTORIAN

HOLLYWOOD – As Michael Bay’s Transformers 4 approaches, Prof. Mandy Artelis, Associate Professor of Contemporary History at Columbia University has launched a scathing attack against Michael Bay and the entire Transformers franchise, claiming the films are “A distortion of facts when they are not outright invention.”

In her book The Truth Behind Transformers, published today, Professor Artelis argues that the director of the films, Michael Bay, is culpable of “Gross exaggeration” and at times “Wild flights of fancy.” 
Professor Artelis writes:

The material covering the Cybertron civil war is consistent with known facts, as well as Megatron’s arrival on earth and his hiatus, whilst frozen in Arctic ice. However, all this stuff with Sam and his girlfriend, his parents, the racist robots, and some ridiculous machine called “Bumble Bee”, that is all pure invention. The Allspark was not hidden under the Hoover Dam, but that inaccuracy I can allow as it was no doubt a question of national security.

Having researched the material thoroughly, her verdict is damning – “I would say 30% you can just throw straight out in the trash. And of the 70% that remains, 50% of that is fairly dubious. This is particularly disappointing because Bad Boys and The Island were both, more or less, 100% historically accurate.”

And Pearl Harbor?

“F*ck off.”

Michael Bay was unavailable for comment as he is currently in Vietnam waging a war. Click here for more on that story.

Transformers 4 will be released in 2014 (God have mercy on our souls).