HOLLYWOOD . Late last night the LAPD were called to the residence of Paul Thomas Anderson, director of the recent opus The Master.

Anderson told them he was in his kitchen getting a glass of wine when he saw a “googly-eyed psycho” staring at him through the window over his sink. He ran outside and was able to hold down the lanky peeping tom. “He didn’t put up much of a fight, for a moment I believe he was trying to hug me,” said Anderson. When police arrived on the scene the man was quickly identified as Paul W.S. Anderson, director of “those cool Resident Evil movies”. P.T. Anderson was not familiar with his work.

Witnesses say, as the police cuffed P.W.S.A., he kept screaming “I want to be wanted!” After getting the irate ‘film-maker’ into the back of their squad car, officers searched his tan 1968 Volkswagen Beetle and found a portable DVD player and P.T. Anderson’s entire filmography. The car was recognized by a local prostitute. She directed them to an old apartment building on the other side of town.
Police were shocked at what they found inside. Making their way through the apartment as Foreigner’s ‘I Want To Know What Love Is’ blared on the stereo, they found what can only be described as a shrine to Paul Thomas Anderson: photos lined the walls, posters for his films, all linked with a spider’s web of red wool. A list of the 2013 Academy Award nominees for Best Director was taped to the wall and under it, written in red fluid ‘DEATH TO THE ACADEMY’. His bathroom contained a large aquarium filled with bullfrogs and a collection of Fiona Apple records. The scenes became more disturbing as the LAPD reached the small kitchen: around the dinner table were mannequins dressed as Dirk Diggler, Daniel Plainview, and Frank T.J. Mackey. The most shocking item was found in the hall closet: a full P.T. Anderson ‘suit’ stitched together with pieces of Philip Seymour Hoffman’s excess skin.
Wife of P.W.S.A and star of the Resident Evil films, Milla Jovovich, was very emotional as she left the Los Angeles Detention Center, she said very little: “I didn’t know about this apartment. He told me he was in meetings about the next Resident Evil film. This has to pass, how will I work?”
P.T.A. left the final comment that at least this scotched the rumours that he and Paul W.S. Anderson were in fact the same person.

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