DANNY DYER TO STAR IN ‘THERE WILL BE BLOOD’ REMAKE







LONDON – Professional cockney, Danny Dyer, has signed on to take the lead role in Nick Love’s remake of Paul Thomas Anderson’s ‘There Will Be Blood’.


Dyer, whose is facing bankruptcy after the failure of his pet gambling project PokerGeezers.com, has worked with Love on several films and was his number one choice for the coveted role of Daniel Plainview.

“Danny is one of the greats” said a booze soaked Love.

“He’s got a range few actors of his generation possess and he’s a master of dialect’s. He can do East Ham, West Ham, Streatham. Lewisham. He struggles with any accent north of London but give the kid a break, it’s not as though he went to RADA or anything!”

Love says he will be retain the spirit of the epic but he’s made substantial changes to the original script.

“ We’re going set it in Bethnal Green instead of California. Plainview is a Pie and Mash baron who wants to turn a local church into a jellied eel factory. We’ve added lot’s of rhyming slang to the dialogue such as “I tiddly wink your Milkshake, treacle!”

“We’ve also written in a pearly king who was a former hit-man for the Kray twins. We wanted Bob Hoskins for that role but he won’t come out of retirement so Toby Jones is going to play him”

We contacted Paul Thomas Anderson to ask him if he’s given the remake his blessing but his office informed us that nobody has seen him since The Master was released.

“He went out for dinner with Tom Cruise and that’s the last we’ve heard of him.” said his worried secretary.

THE MASTER: REVIEW

Johnny Cash meets Truman Capote, author of Battlefield Earth, who tries to get Cash to believe the kind of crap John Travolta and Tom Cruise believe. Unsuccessfully.


After the brilliance of Alien Versus Predator Paul Thomas Anderson returns to the screen with The Master.  Wacky Phoenix physicals it up with a Daniel Day-Lewis stoop, while Hoffers does the verbals. Magnificent lack of 3D and digital, with 70 mm camera work and genuinely beautiful visuals to a score by the guy from Coldplay or Radiohead. Idiots will be bored, but an ambitious and truly cinematic piece of work, as well as a vast improvement on The Three Musketeers.
NUDITY.

AFTER PHOENIX: NEW OSCAR AWARD ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – In response to comments made by actor Joaquin Phoenix, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has issued a press release announcing a new award to be presented exclusively at the 2013 edition of the ceremony. The Fuck You Joaquin Phoenix Award will be given to every single male actor who made a major motion picture appearance in a leading role, with one predictable exception.


Asked if the award wasn’t just a smidgen vindictive, Lionel Khrist the Academy spokesperson said, ‘Fuck yeah. He should learn the actors are there to walk around look pretty and keep their goddam cakeholes shut. Jesus, even when they win awards we try to hurry them the fuck up and get them off stage before they do something silly.’

The award is rumored to include a removable beard and sunglasses. Mr. Phoenix – who is no stranger to controversy following a stunt film I’m Still Here – made disparaging remarks for an award was being tipped to win for his role in Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master. Speaking exclusively to Studio Exec about the new award, Phoenix, or the Baddie from Gladiator (as he prefers to be known), seemed confused, slurring his words and saying, ‘It makes no sense. Is this a joke?’

For more on this story and more like it please follow @studioexec1 on Twitter or find and like our page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/StudioExec

AFTER PHOENIX: NEW OSCAR AWARD ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – In response to comments made by actor Joaquin Phoenix, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has issued a press release announcing a new award to be presented exclusively at the 2013 edition of the ceremony. The Fuck You Joaquin Phoenix Award will be given to every single male actor who made a major motion picture appearance in a leading role, with one predictable exception.


Asked if the award wasn’t just a smidgen vindictive, Lionel Khrist the Academy spokesperson said, ‘Fuck yeah. He should learn the actors are there to walk around look pretty and keep their goddam cakeholes shut. Jesus, even when they win awards we try to hurry them the fuck up and get them off stage before they do something silly.’

The award is rumored to include a removable beard and sunglasses. Mr. Phoenix – who is no stranger to controversy following a stunt film I’m Still Here – made disparaging remarks for an award was being tipped to win for his role in Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master. Speaking exclusively to Studio Exec about the new award, Phoenix, or the Baddie from Gladiator (as he prefers to be known), seemed confused, slurring his words and saying, ‘It makes no sense. Is this a joke?’

For more on this story and more like it please follow @studioexec1 on Twitter or find and like our page on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/StudioExec

SPEAK SEQUELESE

HOLLYWOOD – As the original ideas drought continues, relieved only by the occasional Paul Thomas Anderson oasis, it has become increasingly difficult to work out exactly what kind of regurgitated stench bucket you’re being forced to experience.

So here’s Studio Exec’s quick guide to Sequelese.

Sequel: Easy. A film that follows on from another film. 

Prequel: Easy again. A film made after another film but which chronologically comes before the action of the previous film. This could be made after the sequel lemon has been squeezed until it is as dry as corpse dust. Especially good if your original cast is a bit Roger Moored out and you want some young faces.

Reboot: We’ve already made a bunch of sequels and the original cast are Shatnered so we’re going to go back and start all over again. The studio usually does this by sticking a straightened out paper clip into a tiny tear duct shaped hole at the back of the original film.

Trilogy: We made another sequel and want to give it the ring of class rather than make it feel like we’ve just been unoriginal twice.

Quadrolgy: We’ve been unoriginal thrice. Made up word meaning nothing at all and wearing the classiness thing pretty thin, especially when it might include Die Hard 4 or Alien Resurrection.

Reimagining: We know you are bored of this so we’ve changed some stuff while still not going to the bother of thinking of something original. 

Franchise:  Borrowed from the high-cultured world of hamburger restaurants and pretentious coffee shops, this is a license for us to extract the most money for the least expenditure of thinking about doing something new. Buoyed up by the explosion in fan boy culture, the word is used unapologetically and everyone gets excited.