HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of Jason Bourne and Spectre, the world’s most famous secret agents and to appear in a new film provisionally entitled Bourne v Bond.

Matt Damon and Daniel Craig today announced in a joint press conference that filming is to begin this month on Bourne v Bond, the first mash-up of the Robert Ludlum and Ian Fleming characters, James Bond and Jason Bourne, since Quantum of Solace.

Matt Damon speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec had this to say:

Anybody watching Jason Bourne had to see that we’ve run out of steam. I mean the first Bourne film was good and then the second and the third were great but basically the same film done over and so what more is there that we can do? I was talking to Paul Greengrass and he asked what would happen if Bourne met Bond and that was the point where the lights seemed to come on.

Daniel Craig nodded, smiling:

We were at the same point. We watched Spectre and we thought, Wow! That looks really tired. It’s like we put all the fun stuff in the first ten minutes and then everything else was just m’eh! So when Matt and Paul called Sam and I were just knocked out. We met in a hotel the four of us and had a real story conference and what we came up with I think will be very exciting.

What did you come up with?

MD: In the broadest possible terms, it goes like this. Bond is sent after Bourne because British intelligence believe he is a threat to their national security, But it turns out Bourne has been framed by Spectre and Treadstone and Bond and Bourne must join forces.

So they’ll fight.

DC: Yes, they will. There’ll be real animosity there, but they realize at the last minute that both their mothers were called Martha.

MD: Isn’t that just…?


DC: Yes.

Bourne v Bond will be released in 2017.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.


COLORADO – The real life secret agent that inspired Richard Ludlum to write the Jason Bourne books today slammed Matt Damon for forgetting him.

Fifty seven year old Jason Bourne from Fort Collins, Colorado today lashed out at Matt Damon for his deliberate amnesia towards his contribution to the character that has made Mr Damon a star.

When Richard asked if he could use me as a model I said yes. I was actually pleased for him to research the past which I could remember only with difficulty and then when Matt Damon was cast in the original film, The Bourne Identity, he came over to see me and spent a day trying to get my walk right. It was difficult because my walk is actually quite strange.

Things changed however with the success of the franchise.

Jeremy Renner didn’t even write me an email and Matt Damon, I’ve not seen at all this time round. One phone call. One. And that was just to tell me to stop sending the parcels of food. It ain’t as if I want to go on the red carpet or get paid a lot of money. I just want my contribution to be recognized.

However, filmmaker Paul Greengrass and Matt Damon have both issued statements that Jason Bourne simply has the same name as the fictional agent and the 57 year old postal worker should cease harassing the production.

Jason Bourne will be released next week.


HOLLYWOOD – The new Bourne trailer dropped during the Super Bowl and it suggested that the secret agent with amnesia is rebuilding his life successfully.

One of the high points of the advertising campaign that surrounds Super Bowl 50 was the dropping of the new Bourne Trailer, featuring Matt Damon. Although short in length, the trailer showed that Bourne 6 will be taking a totally new direction. In the trailer he seems to have a family and has somehow managed to buy himself a zoo.

We spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Matt Damon about the new film:

We felt we had done the spy thing as far as we could do it. So what was next? Paul Greengrass had seen me in We Bought a Zoo and he told me it was his favorite non-Bourne film I’d done. So we got talking about how we could introduce elements of that whimsy into the Bourne universe. It turned out there’s a ‘cut and paste’ feature on Final Draft so it wasn’t anywhere near as difficult as I thought it would be.

So you’re basically making Bourne 6 as We Bought a Zoo 2?

That’s right. Scarlett Johansson is coming back and the kids and there’s going to be a lot less violence and a lot more gooey sentimentality.

Bourne 6: Jason Bought a Zoo will be released on the 4th of July.


HOLLYWOOD – Matt Damon has discussed for the first time the new Bourne movie which he is to star in directed by Paul Greengrass.

After the mega-success of the Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy and The Bourne Ultimatum, Matt Damon will play Bourne for the fourth time, following a less successful incarnation The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner, which existed in the same universe but did not feature Jason Bourne.  Matt Damon dropped by the Studio Exec Jacuzzi to discuss the new film, to be entitled The Bourne Austerity:

We’re still in very early stages, but I can tell you some stuff.  The first Bournes were very much a result of the Bush presidency and so we were in a War on Terror and black ops and that whole feeling of the US running rogue in the world. With Obama came a sense of hope, but now we have an austerity struck Europe and a US foreign policy that relies on massive surveillance which has also been used domestically.

So The Bourne Austerity is like a post-Snowden thriller?

Exactly. The film starts off in Greece where some of you might remember that Bourne actually helped run a scooter hire business. He’s gone back there where he used to be happy with his new girlfriend Nicky Parsons (Julia Stiles). But Greece is defaulting on its loans and in the run up to a new bailout Jason Bourne is activated by Angela Merkel to take out Alex Tsipiras, the new Greek prime minister. Of course, Bourne realizes he is being used and turns against his masters once more. Then they send in Jeremy Renner as a cheap version of me – again the austerity theme – but because of Quantative Easing they finally manage to spend some money on destroying Greece and they send in Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise) to finish the job. It’s very exciting at the end.

The Bourne Austerity will be released in 2017.


HOLLYWOOD – In a stunning revelation today, it was finally admitted that the director and film maker Steven Soderbergh doesn’t actually exist.

The name ‘Steven Soderbergh’ was created by the Director’s Guild of America so that directors who were for some reason dissatisfied with the final film could remove their own name from the credits.

DGA spokesperson Sean Hannity said:

We had been using Alan Smithee but that was becoming too well known and they even made a film called An Alan Smithee Film, so we retired Alan and welcomed Steve to the job. 

The first film to feature the Soderbergh Identity – as it became known in the business – was veteran director Woody Allen. His Sex, Lies and Videotape had been an attempt to attract the youth market but when watching it he commented, ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just full of these fools jabbering on and it was crazy. No one’s going to go for this. So the DGA said we have this new name and I said be my guest. But then it won at Sundance! So the egg was on my face.’

Following the surprise success of what Allen had dubbed Footloose without the songs, actor Tonka Marshall was hired to play the director in order to pick up the award and do the interviews as Soderbergh.

Tonka told the Studio Exec:  

I’d been Ronald McDonald for like three years and I was sick of it so when this gig came up I thought sure why not. It was only supposed to be a one off thing because of Sundance, but then the films people were using the name for kept being surprise successes and they wouldn’t let me go. I even grew a beard but they found me and took me back to the compound. 

Tonka goes solo

The Quentin Tarantino directed Out of Sight was followed by the Coen Brothers hugely disappointing Oceans 11.

‘Terrence Malick was the guy who used the name the most,’ says Hannity. ‘He did the Che films, Erin Brokovich, Contagion and Magic Mike, which was originally called To the Enormous Wonder of Magic Mike’s Tree of Life. Paul Greengrass used the name for his piss poor Bourne spin-off Haywire.’ 

Tonka continues:

It all became a bit much and a few years ago I decided to retire, I would really like t o write a novel, but they decided that they would still use me, like when that awful Clive Owen show The Knick came out, but it is really only on a part time basis.

Tonka Marshall’s I was Steven Soderbergh is now available from all good book shops.


HOLLYWOOD – Paul Greengrass has announced via his website details of the upcoming Bourne 5 starring Matt Damon.

Here is the information taken directly from the site:

Title: Bourne Free


When Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is forced to kill a lioness out of self-defence, he brings home three orphaned cubs she had been trying to protect. Bourne tends to the three orphaned lion cubs to young lionhood, and, when the time comes, the two largest are sent to the Rotterdam Zoo, while Elsa the Lioness (the smallest of the litter) remains with Jason. When Elsa is held responsible for stampeding a herd of elephants through a village, John Kendall (Mads Mikkelsen), Bourne’s boss gives him three months to either rehabilitate Elsa to the wild, or send her to a zoo.

With no mention of the character Jeremy Renner played in the previous Bourne film, some have speculated that Greengrass will simply gloss over that picture but when asked by a journalist if this was the case, the director confirmed Renner will be making an appearance:

We’re getting Jeremy in for a couple of days. He won’t be in the film but during the opening titles you’ll see him getting eaten alive by a lion. It’s very much like a Bond opening sequence we’ve even got Tom Jones singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight. It’s going to be epic.

Bourne Free is due for release in 2016.


HOLLYWOOD – Universal have announced that the next Bourne film will be directed by Paul Greengrass and star Matt Damon and will be titled The Bourne Remuneration.

The news comes as a surprise as a follow up to Tony Gilroy’s The Bourne Legacy, starring Jeremy Renner had already been announced and even calendared. The Hurt Locker actor today told journalists that he was ‘devastated’, saying:

When I and Tony were making The Bourne Supremacy there was all this bad feeling going around but I thought we’d got over that and made a really good film. I know it wasn’t exciting, or interesting and it really didn’t make much sense all told, nor was it commercially as big a hit as we hoped, but I was in it and so that bit was good.

Paul Greengrass said that The Bourne Remuneration will follow on from The Bourne Supremacy’ as if nothing had ever happened’.

That other film is now going to be reissued in a special collector’s edition, re-titled as The Bourne Irrelevancy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Can you tell us something about the story?

Yes. The Bourne Identity introduced us to Jason Bourne and the whole black op program known as Blackstone. The Bourne Ultimatum and The Bourne Supremacy carried that story on to its natural conclusion. The Bourne Remuneration sees Jason Bourne returning to his ordinary life and settling into a bureaucratic job and raising a family. Matt is very keen to add something about fracking but I’m not sure I’m that interested in the subject. Anyway, Bourne still sometimes uses his skills as a super agent to do things like find a parking space or work out what is the quickest line at the supermarket, but that’s about it. Then two government agents who have gone rogue – Tony Pilfroy and Jeremy Rimmer – decide that they have to kill him because they want to be better than him. Pilfroy doesn’t even know how to direct a movie, I mean be a spy, but he still tries to compete with Bourne. Poor Rimmer is just his patsy.

Wow. That sounds a little like…

No it has nothing to do with that. But I’m really excited because I wrote the movie instead of letting some Gilroy like character at it. This means that it’ll be original and interesting.

So what happens?

Rimmer and Pilfroy try and kill Bourne but only succeed in knocking him out. When he comes too, he has completely lost his memory. So he just begins The Bourne Identity again as if nothing had ever happened. It’s a bit like Groundhog Day but with guns and stabbing people with pens.

The Bourne Remuneration will be released in 2016.


NEW YORK – Following a barrage of criticism from ‘anonymous crew members’, Paul Greengrass responded to the allegations currently plaguing his piracy drama Captain Phillips during a Reddit AMA.

Here is his statement in full:

I’m glad you asked that, because this is something we need to clear up. Some people have been claiming that Captain Phillips did not behave with the heroism the film portrays and there have even been claims by the website that the film inadequately shows Captain Phillips invention of the screwdriver which bears his name. Let’s deal with that first. That episode comes from a period in his life a decade prior to the incidents the film we’re making deal with. The scope of one film cannot include every aspect of what – I think you’ll agree – is an extraordinary life. As for the claim that Captain Phillips rather than being a Captain in the merchant marine off the coast of Africa, was actually the Captain of the Statten Island ferry; and rather than undergoing an ordeal of an attack by pirates, he had to deal with a group of young vandals writing on the seats with sharpies; and they weren’t from Somalia, but Elizabethtown; and he wasn’t kidnapped in a lifeboat for five days, he was swore at for five minutes. Now, I’m not going into whether any of those things are true or not. All I’m going to say is what film would you rather see. We tried to make it more dramatic and in the process changed certain geographical, chronological and actual facts, but I think most people will agree the spirit of the actual incident that ‘inspired’ the film remains intact.

Captain Phillips is currently in theatres.  


GUANTANAMO – Oscar winning director Kathryn Bigelow has stated that she plans to close her War on Terror trilogy that began with the Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty with a new film called Dirty Dark Locker.

The new film will star Garry Shandling as a CIA intelligence officer who finds Saddam Hussein’s Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) in Iraq but who is told to bury them in the desert by Washington politicians who believe that finding the weapons is ‘not PC’ and might in fact be racist.


Col. Bigelow – as she prefers to be called – has already come under fire for her claim that torture led to the capture and execution of Bin Laden (it did not), but is unrepentant and looks ready to stir up even more controversy with her new film.

People say that your films have an overly romantic view of the American military. Is that true?

Sir, no, sir. Hurt Locker was critical of the established military even as it praised the heroes, the men on the ground. 

But with Zero Dark Thirty you propose the idea that torture led to the finding of Osama Bin Laden when this idea is disputed from even within the intelligence and defence communities. Why?

Permission to speak candidly sir.


I really like 24 and that was what I was thinking. I was thinking, 24  would be a good thing if if it were to be true. And that way Jessica Chastain can make up for that Tree of Life bullshit.  

And your new film claims that the WMD were actually found and so justifies retrospectively George Bush’s war even if all the evidence is against it. 

 I watched Paul Greengrass’ Green Zone and when it ended I thought bullshit man. They didn’t find a goddam thing. I know that that is the reality but I like films which are like not the reality. And so that’s what I did. 

And why did you cast Garry Shandling?

He was cheap, sir.