VILLENEUVE CONFIRMS IRONMAN REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from his comments about too many Marvel films being a ‘cut and paste’ of previous ones, Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman will be his next movie. The film will star Jake Gyllenhaal, as Denis Villeneuve confirms Ironman reboot in the works for Marvel. The Exec caught up with Villeneuve at The Exec GHQ bungalow.

So, Denis Villeneuve Confirms Ironman Reboot. How Did That Come About?

Hey, nice pad man. I dig your bungalow. It looks very similar to Paul Atreides’s bedroom in Dune, only more sci-fi. Well, if I am to stand any chance of making the second part of Dune, I gotta find a truck load of fucking cash from somewhere.

Why Is That?

Since that fucker, Nolan defenestrated from Warners, they’ve gotten all tight-assed with their budgets. So, if I spaff out a quick Ironman or two, that gives me enough big budget cajones to get Dune Part Deux made. Capiche?

But Wont Projects Like That Take Years To Develop, Write, Shoot and Edit?

Fuck no. Getta load of this douche bag! Hello, McFly? No way. I’ll slap a load of CGI buildings being blown up and shove Jake in a few shots, flying between them. Then you throw in a few zingers. Some friends become enemies, enemies become friends. Patrick Stewart as Jarvis, whatever, yadda-yadda-yadda. Then before you know it, badd-a-bing, we gotta multi-billion dollar franchise on our hands. Then good-ol’ Denis has himself enough fucking clout to make Dune Two regardless of what those candyass fuckers at Warners have to say. Guaranteed green. In the fucking bank baby. How’s that for spice?

It Seems Like You Have It All Planned Out

I’m telling you, the sleeper has awoken man. I must not fear. Because fear is the fucking mind killer.

Dune Is Released Worldwide Over The Next Few Weeks

PATRICK STEWART AND IAN MCKELLEN TO PLAY WALDORF AND STATLER

LONDON – Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler.

X-Men enemies and men of the theatre Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen reunite as perhaps the most famous men of the theatre, Statler and Waldorf in a spin-off stand-alone live action Muppet movie called  Waldorf and Statler

Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart are to play Waldorf and Statler. Following the rejuvenating popularity of The Muppets, studio heads were casting around for ideas to cash in on what has at times been a faltering franchise. The idea to place the balcony docked curmudgeons centre stage was a stroke of inspired accountancy.ian mckellen patrick stewart

Speaking from his London dockside home, Sir Ian said he was delighted.

When Andrea [Arnold] approached me for the part of Waldorf at first I thought this has to be some sort of joke, or better still a dream. Come on pinch me. Is it? Well, no it isn’t. It’s real. And I can say that one of my greatest ambitions has been realised. After this I might well consider retirement, because it will be difficult to top. Then again Peter Jackson is planning another five films with Gandalf.   

Sir Patrick Stewart was no less effusive. 

There comes a time in every actor’s life that he goes through his little check list. Hamlet, done, Vladimir, done, Uncle Vanya, done, Dr. Xavier, done. And now has come the time to take the black marker pen and place a large tick beside Waldorf. 

But you’re playing Statler?

Am I? Oh. Well then, Statler, done. Ha ha.

Fishtank and American Honey director Andrea Arnold is more noted for her social realism, but confessed to looking forward enormously to the project.  

All that social realism stuff’s great for the festivals but 1. it really doesn’t make much coin and 2. All these bloody poor people bore me rigid. I need a bit of Mahna Mahna!

Waldorf  and Statler will be released in December, 2021. 

HUGH JACKMAN’S LOGAN RANT

HOLLYWOOD – Wolverine actor Hugh Jackman is furious about the new film Logan, claiming that it is a direct rip off of the X-Men character he has played for fifteen years.

Hugh Jackman is usually a mild-mannered sweet man, but when he stormed into the Studio Exec bungalow this morning he was furious.

‘Have you seen this?’ he said, shoving his tablet in my face and showing me a trailer for the new film Logan. ‘I can’t believe it.’

When I asked what was the problem, this is what he said:

I was really looking forward to this new film Logan. The original is amazing with Michael York and Jenny Agutter. I should have known something was wrong when they left the “‘s Run” off the title. But anyway… I watched it and it turns out they’ve totally ripped off Wolverine. I mean it’s the same character, the actor looks just like me and he has these claws. They’ve even managed to rope in poor Patrick Stewart to play someone called Charles, who is just obviously Professor Xavier.

But isn’t it…

And the thing that pisses me off is it actually looks better than the Wolverine movies. They even got Johnny Cash to do the soundtrack. I thought he was dead.

Logan will be released in 2017.

PATRICK STEWART DISOWNS DAUGHTER, KRISTEN STEWART

 LONDON – A furious and obviously upset Patrick Stewart today disowned his daughter Kristen Stewart, following her scandalous behavior.

“She is not my daughter,” he said, emphatically and harshly; if understandably.

Everyone on the planet has been united in disgust at the slatternly behavior the Kristen Stewart used in tempting Rupert Sanders, who is but flesh and blood – away from the holy sanctity of marital bliss. Now her father Patrick Stewart has added his voice of condemnation. We caught Xavier Picard (as he prefers to be known) coming out of the Dury Lane theater and asked him for his opinion on his daughter’s behavior, “You mean Sophia, what about Sophia?”

“No, we mean Kristen Stewart?”

“She’s not my daughter!” he said, the fateful words that rang like a knell on the filial relationship. He laughed, probably to hide the pain. “Where on Earth did you get that notion?”

“So you are publicly disowning her?”

“She’s not my daughter,” Stewart said, hiding the tears. “We just have the same surname. It’s quite a common surname.”

But we continued to question him about how disgusted he must have felt about the news until he got quite angry and shouted, “She is not my daughter!” before jumping into a famous London black taxi and fleeing the scene of his public agony.

Twilight: the Next Generation is due out in 2017.

CANNES REVIEW – GREEN ROOM

CANNES REVIEW – GREEN ROOM – Nazi skins, punk bands, pit bulls and a body in the Green Room, what is not to like?

Jeremy Saulnier returns after Blue Ruin with another color coded genre thriller, Green Room. A punk band The Ain’t Rights hungry for cash agree to a gig out in the back of nowhere and find themselves surrounded by White Power Nazi skinheads. They respond with a burst of the Dead Kennedys and an inspired if dangerous choice of song. Note to self: when in a Nazi night club and it looks like you can leave, never go back for your mobile phone. Chekov from Star Trek does and finds himself and the band – including Maybe from Arrested Development – trapped in the Green Room with a dead body and a handgun and outside the door, Captain Jean Luc Picard gathers his fellow skinheads together to do away with all witnesses. Pit bull killer dogs, box cutters and machetes are the weapons of choice and Saulnier keeps the whole thing tense, fun and funny and occasionally very gruesome.

This is a siege movie with a difference, entertaining and tightly played, like a good punk song.

MICHAEL SHEEN DISOWNS BROTHER CHARLIE

HOLLYWOOD – Masters of Sex star Michael Sheen shocked friends and family today when he disowned his brother, tiger blood owner and a self-proclaimed master of sex Charlie Sheen.

Speaking to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, the star of The Damned United and Frost/Nixon said:

Charlie Sheen? No, he’s not my brother. We have the same last name but that’s as far as it goes.

So you’re not on speaking terms?

No. I mean I’ve not had the opportunity.

How does your father Martin Sheen feel about this estrangement?

Martin Sheen is not my father.

Wow! So you’re disowning your father as well?

I’m not disowning him. I’m just telling you that we’re not related. There’s no blood relation. He’s just – again – got the same name as me.

Emilio Estevez…

No relation. Not even the same name.

What caused this rupture? I mean, I can understand Charlie’s a bit of a loose cannon but Emilio and Martin? They seem to be fairly nice people.

Look I see where you’re going with this but it really is a complete waste of my time, your time and your readers’ time. Why aren’t you asking the real questions a journalist should ask.

For instance?

Why Patrick Stewart has refused to acknowledged his daughter Kristen Stewart all these years.

Already done Michael. Already done (and for more on that story click here).

Okay. Fair enough, I’ll tell you. I was the youngest of the Sheen litter. From day one Charlie and Emilio were held up to me as shining examples and I was disgraced because due to a genetic defect I was born with this weird British accent. Martin Sheen might be a wonderful president on the West Wing, but as a father he was cold and distant, often refusing to communicate with me except via registered post. If I put something on Facebook about how well I’m doing he always comments ‘dislike’. And you ask me why I don’t talk to them? Do you know what last Thanksgiving was like? They’re talking about Apocalypse Now, Repo Man and Wall Street. I try to say something about Underworld and they all do that weird shrill scream I did in Twilight until I stopped talking. Is that your definition of a family? So there’s your answer.

Masters of Sex is on Showtime.

PATRICK STEWART TO MARRY ALEC BALDWIN

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Patrick Stewart announced that he is to marry Alec Baldwin later this month in what looks to be the celebrity wedding of the year.

The news came following a UK newspaper The Guardian mistakenly outing the veteran Star Trek: Next Generation actor earlier this week.

Stewart explained his decision:

Neither I nor Alec are homosexual, but so inspired was I by Ms. Page’s declaration that one feels one must do one’s bit for marriage equality and so we’ve decided to get hitched and have a wonderful party.

The news was not a complete surprise. Alec Baldwin had decided to spend 2014 as homosexual as penance for his homophobia of the previous year. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec:

It’s great actually. I find men are very considerate lovers, they understand my needs and we have loads to talk about the next day. Also there’s plenty of horseplay.

Alec Baldwin’s documentary Gay and Confused will be released in 2015.