PRATT V WORTHINGTON MEDIOCRITY MATCH-UP

HOLLYWOOD – If you like your lead actors non-descript, not too good looking and with more than a slight hint of vanilla about them, they’re your guys. Having built their whole careers around being able to stare at tennis balls on the ends of sticks, they’ve somehow made it to the top. That’s right, it’s a Studio Exec Pratt v Worthington Mediocrity Matchup. We examine which of them is truly the most mediocre movie meh.

Pratt V Worthington Mediocrity Matchup!

Sam’s big breakthrough role came in James Cameron’s Avatar. A film where he had a team of hundreds animating his face for the vast majority of the film. Chris Pratt rose to fame in Parks And Recreation. He played Andy Dwyer, an unintelligent, loveable rogue. He then expanded his range when he played Starlord in The Guardians Of The Galaxy, an unintelligent, loveable rogue… in space. Few could have predicted his turn in Jurassic World, where he played Owen Grady, an unintelligent, loveable rogue… with dinosaurs.

Sam The Franchise Killer

Sam went on to singlehandedly destroy the Terminator franchise as well as the whole 3D film industry as Perseus in the remake of Clash Of The Titans. His stone cold performance resembled a Medusa victim and made Harry Hamlin look like Daniel Day-Lewis.

The Roles That Got Away

Sam famously lost out to Daniel Craig for James Bond. But then again, we don’t know how close he came to being Bond. I sent in my showreel and heard fuck all back from EON Productions. So does that mean I also lost out to Daniel Craig for the role? And who can forget the rumors that Pratt was being touted to play Indiana Jones. Just imagine Indiana Jones and The Ancient Fart Gag, directed by James Gunn.

Mediocrity Matchup: Winners And Losers

The tagline for Alien Vs Predator was ’Whoever Wins, We Lose’. Well, with this mediocrity matchup, this has never been truer.

AVATAR: AD NAUSEUM Will Saturate Your Multiplex This Coming December

INACCURATE MOVIE REVIEW – A QUIET PLACE

The INACCURATE MOVIE REVIEW ensures movies are not spoilt by getting everything wrong about them: A Quiet Place.

Steve Carell – the star of TV’s Parks and Recreation – stars in a knockabout comedy. Instead of being quiet, it’ll have you laughing as loudly as you can.

The 1970s and America is coming to terms with the post-Watergate paranoia. Carell and real life wife Tina Fey play Ernie and Esther, a middle aged couple who live in the city with their dogs and blind son: Georgie. Chris Pratt from The Office plays Georgie very movingly.

When aliens invade, the world is turned upside down. But Ernie’s ability to amuse the aliens with his hilarious shadow puppetry means he distracts the aliens while Esther and Georgie escape. Unfortunately, the aliens see Georgie’s luminous stick – they can’t hear him because they are deaf – and they eat him up. Blood everywhere. Jeez, like something out of the Farrelly brothers films, which isn’t surprising as they directed this.

Eric finds that the aliens have very keen eyesight – they spotted Georgie’s stick after all, which wasn’t THAT luminous – and he uses this against them by shining the torch from his phone into his eyes. At this point the film could end because we know how Eric and Esther will defeat the aliens, but the film insists on showing us them killing every single alien with torches from their phones.

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CHRIS PRATT BOLDLY SPEAKS OUT IN DEFENCE OF WHITE MEN

HOLLYWOOD – Chris Pratt stands up for white men against the tyranny of Hollywood.

Parks and Recreation and Guardians of the Galaxy star Chris Pratt has bravely stood up for the rights of white men in America. Talking to Men’s Fitness Magazine, Pratt discussed the dearth of white men in movies today:

I don’t see personal stories that necessarily resonate with me, because they’re not my stories. I think there’s room for me to tell mine, and probably an audience that would be hungry for them. The voice of the average, blue-collar American isn’t necessarily represented in Hollywood.

Although he didn’t say white, a quick glance at the Oscars sees that Fences was about as Blue Collar as you could get. Unless you watched Blue Collar perhaps with Harvey Keitel, Yaphett Koto and Richard Prior. So one can only assume that Fences was discounted because it was black blue collar. Moonlight was pretty much a story of the underclass as well. But again black. This is a creepy kind of racism that doesn’t even know it’s racist. Like all this talk about listening to the working class and how the working class feel excluded to explain Trump’s victory. Even though the poor mostly went Clinton and the black working class voted overwhelming against him. My English friends would know that a Pratt can also be a prat, but let’s not do this.

Chris Pratt will continue to be rich and white.