AMERICAN SNIPER BABY STARS IN PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: THE GHOST DIMENSION

HOLLYWOOD – American Sniper baby Jandapus Haiti is the breakout star of Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension.

Despite the fact Bradley Cooper picked up the Oscar nomination for his role as real life Navy Seal Chris Kyle, many agree that the true star of Clint Eastwood’s Iraq War drama American Sniper was actually Jandapus Haiti, the baby who stole America’s hearts and is now starring in the next installment of Paranormal Activity.

Jandapus Haiti only got the role in American Sniper at the last minute when the baby booked for the role got scarlet fever and had to go to hospital. Jandapus was luckily at hand taking part in a local voodoo ceremony – some say black magic but the difference is superficial – and was rushed to the set and into the waiting hands of Bradley Cooper, best known as Face from The A-Team.

Cooper described the scene to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

At first it freaked me out. Jandapus looks and feels like a fake baby, but he’s actually got that Benjamin Button thing, so he’s not only real, but really, in terms of lived experience, a very old man. He talks and everything. Sounds a bit like Tom Waits. He told some stories about when he was in Chile at the time of the Pinochet Coup… Man he did things, he did bad things. But you know, I’ve worked with Jennifer Lawrence on a number of occasions so I was ready for anything.

Details are sketchy about the nature of his role in Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension, but Jandapus said he was ‘looking forward to getting myself out there’:

When you look the way I look you’re going to get typecast. The American Sniper thing was a fluke. Usually I’m demon baby, or possessed child, or something more along those lines. Paranormal Activity will be a return to my typical genre but it is a much bigger stage now. I mean the things I did before were like private parties and such.

What do you knows about the story of Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension?

To begin with the title was going to be Paranormal Activity: the Infancy, which perhaps also highlights what a central role my character plays, but then they changed it to the Ghost Dimension. I’ll be Gary, the youngest member of the Hunter family. Things are going all right, but apparently there’s a demon in the house and gets who gets possessed? You got it. The good thing is as I need to do a possessed demon voice, it gives me an excuse to start smoking cigarettes again. I’ve been restricting myself to cigars lately.

Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension is currently in theaters.

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY: REPOSSESSION TESTS BADLY WITH AUDIENCES

HOLLYWOOD – Fans of the popular found footage horror franchise Paranormal Activity are leaving test screenings in utter confusion over the new ‘social realism’ direction of the latest entry Paranormal Activity: Repossession. 

The Studio Exec managed to get a hold of audience ‘test cards’ to read some of the comments. See below.
‘What the f@ck was that shit! Where were the ghosts?’
 
‘Actually I think the real horror of losing your home was far scarier than any of the installments so far. I didn’t like the long scenes of the couple going through their ‘outgoings’ though, it could have done with more action’
 
‘So…was the accountant a ghost? Is that why they lost their home?’
 
‘Same old story! Yuppie couple living above their means fall foul of our culture of debt and unstable housing market… Could see the repossession coming a mile off!’
 
‘Dem boobs tho’

PARANORMAL POLICE ACADEMY ACTIVITY

HOLLYWOOD – Rumors of a Police Academy remake have been rife, but now we’ve learned that the two most successful franchises in their respective genres – Police Academy (comedy) and Paranormal Activity (horror) are to combine to make the ultimate entertainment mash up Paranormal Police Academy Activity (horror/comedy).

The ‘still alive’ actor Steve Guttenberg will star as Mahoney, a geriatric police recruit who must train with a bunch of other hopelessly aged candidates in the Police Academy, which has been put under intense video surveillance for no real reason. At first everything seems to be going okay,  as old friend Hightower (Bubba Smith) uses the time to make a film for his Community College project, despite Tackleberry’s (David Graf) best efforts to have them thrown off the program. However, there are strange noises in the night and messages are left that hint at a terrifying secret.

Director Bobcat Goldthwait who also plays Cadet Zed revealed the thinking behind the concept:

It’s very postmodern. Our characters are basically being haunted by the ghosts of their careers. They’re basically possessed by the success they had in the 80s and which they now can’t escape. Personally, I reinvented myself and went on to have a great time making films like God Bless America and The World’s Greatest Dad, but Steve… Well, he wasn’t so lucky.

However, Bobcat refused to comment about a rival project already in production and which also stars Steve Guttenberg, Police Academy: Assignment Miami Vice. The makers of Paranormal Activity attempted to comment but their words were muffled by the large amounts of money they were bathing in.

Paranormal Police Academy Activity will be released in 2016.  

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 5 ON HOLD: FOUND FOOTAGE LOST

HOLLYWOOD – Paranormal Activity 5 – which was due to be released on the 19th of October this year – has been indeinfitely put on hold after the found footage on which the film is based was inexplicably lost.

‘We went for lunch,’ explains Cat Fish director Ariel Shulman, who has contributed to the franchise already with Paranormal Activity 4. ‘And we came back and all the footage was gone.’

The Paranormal Activity team had spent six months scouring video recordings from all over America in order to find footage that could be edited into a horror film.

‘People think we make this shit up, but we find it’s actually much more easier to just look for some of this scary stuff actually happening,’ continued Henry Joost. ‘It’s cheaper as well because you know, the people are usually kinda dead.’

The police are investigating the disappearance of the footage but some close to the production have said that ‘the whole thing sounds like a publicity stunt’. One AD told the Studio Exec ‘.The truth is they drank the budget and now they have nothing to show for it. They’re gonna get so much shit for this.’

Paranormal Activity 5 is due for release in 2016

EVIL DEAD WILL NOT HAVE A SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – With the box office success of Evil Dead this weekend, it has been taken for granted that this is the beginning of a new franchise. However, executive producer Sam Raimi made it clear that there would be no follow up to the remake.

‘We’ve made some money and people have enjoyed it, but this is not just a cash grab and to make a sequel would be worse than those assholes over at the Texas Chainsaw Massacre shop,’ said Raimi, who took a break from his remake of The Amazing Spider-Man (for more on that story CLICK HERE) to talk exclusively to The Studio Exec.

There is a tendency in horror films now to just go for series and milk the cow dry. Everyone thought this was the case when we set about the reboot, but we went in a different direction and I’m glad it’s worked out. But now, let’s not make this Scary Movie or worse still Paranormal Activity. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So I can promise you. No sequels.

You heard it here first. What do you think? Let us know with comments and shit.