QUENTIN TARANTINO CASTS SAMUEL L. JACKSON IN NEW STAR TREK MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Samuel L. Jackson joins Quentin Tarantino’s new Star Trek movie.

News is coming thick and fast about Quentin Tarantino’s new Star Trek movie. First he pitches the idea to Paramount and JJ Abrams. Now it looks like his cast is already firming up with Samuel L. Jackson beaming himself up. Quentin came over to the Studio Exec bungalow keen to chat EXCLUSIVELY to the team.

We’re so stoked about this project. Usually I make my own films up utterly. I mean everything. The plot, the characters, the shots, well not the shots, and some of the lines I take from other movies, and the plots and the characters. But other than that totally original. This will be the first time I enter a pre-existing franchise.

So what’s the idea?

Ah, you know me Exec. I ain’t gonna just spill the beans on this one. Usually that’s Michael Madsen’s job. Ha ha! No, but seriously I am a huge Star Trek fan. I woke up one morning and the idea was there. Boom. So I scribbled it down in the bright green crayon I use for my best ideas. And I was on the phone to Harvey. Shit. I mean I was on the phone to J.J. Abrams and he was as excited as I was. We got into so much that instead of saying goodbye I told him ‘May the Force Be with You’.

Because he’s making the Star Wars film.

What? Yeah, I guess. NO, we’re talking Star Trek now.

And Samuel L. Jackson?

He’s key. There’s going to be a reference to one of his earlier movies. In fact that’s where I got the idea from.

Tribbles on a Star Ship will be released in 2019.

AWARDS SEASON TO BLAME FOR DROP IN FILM PRODUCTION

HOLLYWOOD – The major Studios have come out in a united front to combat the menace of Awards Season, which they say is severely hampering actual film production.

An insider at Fox said, ‘We just can’t get films made at the moment. It starts in November and goes all the way through to February and it’s non-stop.’

A colleague from Universal agreed:

We’re constantly fighting to get actors to clear their schedules. Matthew McConaughey, since the McConaughey-eissance, is impossible to get on the line. Ditto Tom Hanks. And it isn’t just actors, Alfonso Cuarón took seven years to make Gravity, but it’ll be another  seven years before he gets onto his next film, he’s so busy walking around collecting gongs for this one. 

Paramount also butted in:

Why can’t everyone be like Woody Allen? NO, not in THAT way! I mean… Oh Jesus. When Ronan Farrow sees this, he’s going to Twi-zerk. 

Independent analysts, however, responded that although there is a definite drop in production over this period, the Studios easily make up for the losses by churning out material that will never bother the attention of the Academy. An insider backed up this conclusion with the observation:

Around this time of year, there’s always a drop off and people are wandering around the back lots a bit with nothing to do. Except for Vince Vaughn, Adam Sandler, Owen Wilson and Kevin James. Those boys just keep their heads down and knock out hit after hit after hit of un-award-worthy bilge.

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WORLD WAR Z PREQUEL ANNOUNCED

NEW YORK – Although we are yet to see Brad Pitt’s new zombie war film World War Z, Paramount and Plan B are confident enough of its success to commission a prequel: World War Y.

Although the first film is based on a novel by Max Brooks, The World War Z Prequel already has an original treatment.

Quantum of Solace and World War Z director, Marc Foster explains:
As we were filming we already started the conversation about where we could go next with the story. Of course the easy option would have been to go for the sequel and say, okay there’s another outbreak but then we went World War Z 2? Nah. World War A? Nah. But World War Y? Perfect. Unfortunately this does present us with some narrative issues.
Such as?

Why has no one in the first film heard about there having been another war – and not just a war, a world war – a few years earlier. James Cameron took a meeting and he suggested we call it World Wars Zs, but he’s been running with that shtick for years. Finally Brad got Damon Lindelof on board and he’s come up with a very original solution. 

Which is?

Parallel universes. It’s based on science.

World War Y will be released in 2015.

KEVIN SMITH’S PAC-MAN MOVIE IS OFFICIALLY CANCELLED


Paramount announced this morning that Kevin Smith‘s adaptation of the classic 80’s arcade game Pac-Man has ceased pre-production.
We were weeks away from shooting,’ said a studio insider:

But then somebody upstairs accidentally read the script thinking it was a copy of Forbes magazine and the call came to stop everything. Kevin was really distraught, I mean like crying snot bubbles distraught. To be honest it was a sorry, and occasionally stomach churning, sight.

Smith has spent two years working on the movie and last month in a interview with Ain’t it Cool he claimed this was going to be his ‘Best work to date’, but the studio insider disagrees.

Nobody had really bothered reading it as he was doing it for less than 2 million which was Reese Witherspoon’s bar tab last month. As the end of pre-production approached, I read it and it was terrible. Basically, it was Clerks 3 but they dressed Silent Bob up as Pac-Man and the rest of the cast put sheets on their heads and chased him around the convenience store for 2 hours whilst he ate Twinkies. That was bad enough but in other places it was just vulgar. At one point Pac-Man slips into a diabetic coma and Jay fellates him to wake him up but that doesn’t work so they all urinate on him whilst talking about which dead celebrity they’d like to fist f*k. This was supposed to be a kids’ movie for Christ sake!

According to renown critic Peter Travers, obscenity was not Smith’s only crime.

I heard that in one scene Pac-Man implies that he’s Catholic which wouldn’t be so bad if he wasn’t murdered by the ghosts in the third act only to be resurrected by the ‘Coins of God’ in the 4th. Hollywood just won’t commission anything they consider to be Christian propaganda. So it just goes to show if he’d written Pac-Man as a Jew, the cameras might be rolling as we speak.

STUDIO FILM SEQUEL MORATORIUM ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD- In an astonishing move, the major studios have issued a joint statement announcing a moratorium on sequels for the whole of 2013. The news sent shock waves through the industry and leaves the 2013 calendar looking fairly bare.
The heads of Warner Brothers, Universal, Fox, Sony, Paramount and Disney all signed the press release which stated:

We have watched with growing concern the intellectual poverty of current cinematic output and have decided that enough is enough. Franchises make money and that is a concern for us, but we are above all in the entertainment business and this kind of industrial scale pap issuing is as immoral as prostituting children for the excuse of material gain. We have dragged this fine art form through the filth for long enough, and to say it is popular or ‘what the public wants’ is no longer a valid excuse as we have manipulated public taste to the extent that they’re a bunch of geeked out morons who will go and see any old cat’s vomit we serve up.   

Films effected will be: Thor 2: Dark Worlds, Star Trek 2, Hunger Games 2, Grown Ups 2, The Muppets 2, Riddick 2, Machete 2, Red 2Wolverine 2Insidious 2, Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2, Star Wars Episode 2 3D, 300 2, GI Joe 2, Percy Jackson 2, The Smurfs 2, Despicable Me 2, Last Exorcism 2,  Kick Ass 2Bad Santa 2Anchorman 2,  Sin City 2: a Dame to Kill ForIron Man 3, Hangover 3, Star Wars Episode 3, 3D, Paranormal Activity 5, Fast and Furious 6, Step Up 6, and (A Good Day to) Die Hard 6.