GOD TELLS MARK WAHLBERG HE WILL NOT BE FORGIVEN

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg asked God to forgive him for his role in Boogie Nights, but didn’t get the response he expected.

The Hollywood Reporter reports that: “Mark Wahlberg says he hopes God will forgive him for his turn as a porn star in the 1997 filmBoogie Nights. Wahlberg told the Chicago Tribune ahead of an event with Chicago Cardinal Blase Cupich on Friday that he hopes “that God is a movie fan and also forgiving” because he says he’s made “some poor choices” in the past. Wahlberg listed Boogie Nights when asked if he’s prayed for forgiveness for any of his movies.”

Boogie Nights follows the career of Dirk Diggler (Wahlberg) through the porn industry in the seventies and eighties. Paul Thomas Anderson directed and many consider the film a high point in Wahlberg’s career.

God speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec gave a prompt response:

Boogie Nights is the best thing Wahlberg ever did. Not only do I forgive him for it, I think it was great. I cannot say the same of the Planet of the Apes remake. I’m I afraid he’s going to Hell for a very long time. And by a long time, I mean forever.

What about The Happening?

Oh my Son! I’d forgotten about that.

You’re God. How can you have forgotten about The Happening?

It’s one of the benefits of omnipotence. And still it took all my strength.

Pain and Gain 2 is out in 2019.

MARK WAHLBERG ‘BEST ACTOR IN THE WORLD’ ACCORDING TO MONEY

HOLLYWOOD – Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, according to Money.

Markie Mark Wahlberg is the best actor in the world, says Money. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Money tried to justify its assertion.

It’s very simple. Mark Wahlberg earned $68 million in pre-tax income this year. That makes him the best actor in Hollywood at the moment for Money. Though the Rock came close. Money likes the Rock.

But whoever went to see a Mark Wahlberg movie? Does a Mark Wahlberg movie even exist?

Well, there’s Ted 2. That’s a Mark Wahlberg movie.

In that it’s shit.

Well, yeah. But Money don’t care. Money likes Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Money says it’s my favorite film. Mark plays an inventor and throws a football. He drinks beer with the brand clearly visible. Money goes ‘Ahhhhhh!’

But The Happening?

Money doesn’t care. Pain and Gain, The Gambler remake, Ted, Deepwater Horizon, Money likes all of these. Mark plays golf with Donald Trump and Money smiles: happy, happy.

I just don’t get it. He was okay in Boogie Nights. And I really liked him in … Boogie Nights. But he’s just so… He’s such a… He’s just not very good. I mean, Max Payne?

Money.

Mark Wahlberg’s next film will also be crap.

HOW MARK WAHLBERG CHANGED TEACHING FOREVER

HOLLYWOOD – Taking a departure from his Everyman roles in Transformers 4 and Pain and Gain, Mark Wahlberg stars as a literature professor in The Gambler and it is having a massive on the way teachers teach in schools and universities all over the country.

Prof. Josie Percheesey head of the university teacher’s association spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about Mark Wahlberg’s impact:

When The Gambler first came out in the Seventies, James Caan had some effect on teaching but not much. Robin Williams in Dead Poet’s Society became the model for the 90s. For years, teachers tried their damnedest to inspire students and of course if one of them committed suicide, it was considered a bonus. The new version of The Gambler however has eclipsed even that.

How?

Wahlberg is the most unlikely casting for a literature professor. His lank locks and his pallor are fine, but don’t hide his  little boy lost look of a man who has never read a book in his life. And perhaps  this is why he has connected with so many teachers. He is fresh and new. Now every teacher I know is starting the class by lying on the desk and exhaling loudly. It’s amazing.

How to teach like Mark Wahlberg.

1. Lie on the desk.

2. Begin lessons as if you’ve just had an existential epiphany.

3. Praise the  student you most want to nail and then nail them. (ALWAYS BE CLOSING).

4. Mention the subject you’re teaching only in so much as it allows you to talk about the theme of the movie.

5. Be consumed by narcissistic self-loathing and cynical about the whole point and purpose of education.

6. Make sure your students have all arrived from central casting and none of them behave like actual students, i.e. demanding an education for the massive fees they or their parents have paid. Rather they should be foils for your expert put downs.

MICHAEL BAY TALKS THE SORROW AND THE PITY REMAKE

 HOLLYWOOD – With Transformers: Age of Extinction ruling at the box office, Michael Bay took some time to talk to the Studio Exec about his planned remake of The Sorrow and the Pity.

The Bad Boys II director said:

It’s been a pet project of mine for years. I’ve been fascinated by the effect Nazism had on ordinary people and there’s always that ‘what if…?’ question that both Americans and probably the Brits too feel. As in what if we’d had to live under Nazi occupation?

The 1969 documentary by Marcel Orphuls reconstructs the occupation of a small French town Clermont-Ferrand and the collaboration of the Vichy government as well as the resistance of local anti-Nazis via a set of interviews. The four and a half hour documentary is considered one of the most valid cinematic responses to the experience of life under Nazism. The Rock director continued:

The good thing about having the Transformers gig is that it frees you up to do what you really want to. Look no one, no adult, wants to spend their life making films about over-sized toys destroying cities. But that 100 million we just took will go a long way to finance my fictionalized version of The Sorrow and the Pity. Already I made a sly nod to it with Pain and Gain, which you’ll notice had a something and something else title, just like Orphuls’ film. 

Michael Bay’s The Sorrow and the Pity is due out in 2016.

MARK WAHLBERG TO TAKE UP ACTING

HOLLYWOOD – World famous co-producer and executive producer and former underpants rap star, Mark Wahlberg is going to try his hand at acting, he announced today.

Mark Wahlberg came over to the Studio Exec bungalow for an EXCLUSIVE conversation and to reveal his change of career path:

I love the film and TV business and I’m very proud of the work I’ve done producing Entourage and Boardwalk Empire but now I feel the time has come for me to take a more creative role in front of the camera.

The announcement was met with some confusion as the Contraband and How to Make it in America producer has appeared in a number of films as a cast member but Wahlberg laughingly dismissed all that as ‘not really counting’.

Wahlberg said:

Oh sure, I stood in front of the cameras and said some words and stuff but, shit, that wasn’t really acting. Half the time I thought we were just getting the lighting levels and  was there to save money and a stand in. Then I go to the premiere and there I am walking through a movie. Did you see M. Night Shyamalan’s The Happening? Me being in the movie as an actor? Now that was a twist!

‘I first got the idea when I was standing in front of Christian Bale during The Fighter and he was behaving really odd and afterwards someone told me that was acting,’ the In Treatment co-producer said. ‘I thought I’m going to do this. If Christian can do, why shouldn’t I be able to? Tell me that. Why?’

His first project is going to be King Lear, directed by Steven Soderbergh.

King Lear starts filming Wednesday and is due out Friday.

MICHAEL BAY DOES NOT APOLOGIZE ‘FOR HIS ENTIRE EXISTENCE’

HOLLYWOOD – Pain and Gain and Armageddon director, Michael Bay today issued a note on his blog clarifying that he does not wish to apologize ‘for his entire existence’, after an interview in the Miami Herald appeared to suggest that he did.

The original piece read:

This handsome tan reporter leaned back nonplussed at the endless nonsense this hack director was saying. He decided to try one more time. ‘So Mr Bay, do you have any regrets?’ ‘No.’ ‘Are you sure?’ Bay suddenly burst into tears, followed by the bellowing sound of a man in grief, animal heartbroken grief: ‘I APOLOGIZE FOR MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE!’ he screamed. ‘Thank you, Mr. Bay,’ this reporter murmured. ‘I think that’ll be all.’

Mr. Bay responded in a note published earlier today.

One press writer has gone too far in reporting false information. He has printed the bare minimum of my statement which in effect have twisted my words and meaning. I’m not in the slightest going to apologize for my existence. On the red carpet for Pain & Gain some reporters asked me what are you apologizing for, and I said what on earth are you talking about?

What I clearly said to the reporter, is I wish I had never been born, I wish my mother and father had never met. I wish that the scum filled atrocities that I have inflicted on the world via my films – and I’m thinking particularly of the Transformers films and The Island – had never been made. I look in my heart and I see nothing there but emptiness and hatred for my own existence, which I attempt to compensate for by my love of machinery and hot women who won’t threaten me with mind stuff. But am I going to apologize for it? No. F*ck you! This is Hollywood baby. We’re all like this. 

Pain and Gain is released and there’s nothing anyone can do about that.