HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the Winnie The Pooh: Blood And Honey horror reimagining, a Paddington Bear horror reboot has been announced. The gore-fest will be directed by Eli Roth and begins shooting later this summer. The Exec caught up with eternal frat boy horror aficionado, Roth as he finalized pre-production on the Paddington Bear horror reboot.
Eli, What Attracted You To A Paddington Bear Horror Reboot?
Hey bros. You know me, when it comes to bucking horror trends, I’m Phi Beta Kappa. I was never on board the torture porn trend with Hostel. Nor was I on board the remake gravy train with Death Wish. And I will never be on the videogame movie band wagon with Borderlands. When I heard there was an opportunity to make a beloved children’s bear character into a horror icon, I leaped at the chance. Here was another opportunity to prove what an original creative force I am.
Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?
Only a little. It’s going to be a home invasion story. Where a Peruvian immigrant bear stalks and terrorizes the Brown family. Think The Purge crossed with Straw Dogs, but he’s not a dog. He’s a bear and he’s not made of straw. I never got why they called it Straw Dogs. What kind of stupid title is that? It should’ve been called Shootsie or The Graduate II: Braddock’s Revenge. That would have been way cooler, bro.
Can You Tell Us Any Cast News?
I shouldn’t really, but you seem like a cool dude, man. We got Robert Englund playing Henry Brown and Sybil Danning as Mary Brown.
And Who Is Playing Paddington?
We got Andy Serkis in a mo-cap suit providing the movements, but we aint using him for the voice. We have Rob Zombie providing the voice. He brings a real guttural heft to the character that has never been explored before. Plus he sounds like he’d tear you a new assshole.
Paddington Bear: Flesh Shredder Starts Filming Shortly
HOLLYWOOD – Popular children’s film Paddington 2 is to take an altogether different direction with the news that Oscar winning Birdman and Revenant director, Alejandro Inarritu is to take over as director.
Alejandro Inarritu dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his new film Paddington 2.
I know that it is something of a surprise to see me take on a film such as this, but my career has been about trying to get away from the ghost of myself. If I simply becoming an automaton repeating the same old tropes and moves then artistically I will die. 21 Grams and Babel were too similar and so Birdman was a comedy, something I’ve never done. The Revenant is – when you come down to it – a classical revenge Western. But I’ve never done a children’s film. Not ever. And so when I saw Paddington I thought, I could have some of that.
The original Paddington was a huge success and Ben Wishaw is to return as the voice of the bear with Hugh Bonneville and Sally Hawkins also returning as the Browns, who, along with their children, adopt Paddington after finding him alone at Paddington railway station. But we asked if there was a story line yet:
It’s all very sketchy right now but I have some ideas of how I want to approach this and what I want to do. First of all we will film in only natural light, I will allow myself a maximum of five cuts in the whole move and there will be absolutely no CGI.
That was the one mistake I made on the Revenant and never again. CGI takes you out of the movie. It is automatic, when something is CGI your brain thinks, ‘Ah this is safe!’ I want danger and so we’ll be using a real bear and Ben will do the voice over live on set, perhaps strapped to the back of the bear. Nicole Kidman is returning as the villain of the piece. But in a way I also want all the characters to be draped in moral ambiguity. So my idea is that Mr. Brown has leukemia and in order to pay for his treatments, Mrs. Brown is selling heroin to street kids. Millicent (that’s Nicole) is blackmailing Mrs. Brown and turning her against Paddington who to be fair has become increasingly violent as he is following a Guru who is teaching him to get in touch with his inner bear. The idea came to me when I heard that ridiculous story about DiCaprio being raped by the bear. It was nonsense but then I thought, ‘What if Paddington instead of giving Mr. Brown a long hard stare…?’
Paddington 2: The Moral Darkness of a Godless Universe will be released in 2018.
ARKHAM – In a new feature, the Studio Exec is proud to present esteemed horror short story writer H.P. Lovecraft and his eldritch movie review column.
Never in the history of mankind has an invention as insidious and powerful as the magic lantern show called cinema been allowed to perpetuate its foul secret dealings without let or hindrance on the unassuming and innocent unknowing masses of humanity. Few have endeavored to unveil the secret meanings held within its depraved offerings, lest they flee from the darkened cavern of the movie house raving and gibbering and complete stark raving insane! But I who have unveiled the mythos of Cthulhu, I who have gasped at the hidden angles of the dream house of Kadath and climbed the Mountains of Madness; I who have sat through all the Fast and Furious films, even the ones without Vin Diesel, am now willing to deliver to the world my findings, hopeful that they will serve as a warning to humanity that no one else strive to go where I have trembling gone…
Dumb and Dumber To
Harold and Lloyd return after years of exile to the light of day. Lloyd has journeyed into the cavernous depths of his own insane mind and Harold has visited him on a weekly basis and now they must once more confront a civilization they no longer understand, but now without the distraction of comedy. Bravely the filmmakers have done away with all humor and left us to regard the horror of existence in all its disturbing reality. Watch at your peril for few can regard a work such as this without finally losing their minds!
Not nearly racist enough. The swarthy savages, whose simpler minds and primitive appetites make them perfect disciples of the Elder Ones and their evil scheming, are dispensed of with admirable elan by the bearded fat one from The Hangover. But for why the despair?
Not enough tentacles.
The bear talks! And yet this uncanny horror is served up to humanity as a children’s film!? This malignant beast, the burning eyes of his ‘hard stare’, his horrendous maw dripping with foul gooey marmalade, far from being cuddly is more diabolical than the devil himself. An arcane horror from the darkest regions of Peru, brought to the light by the folly and hubris of the manifold pretenses of ‘science’ now stalks London, causing mayhem wherever he roams, though thankfully pursued by the ever reliable Nicole Kidman. I cheered for Miss Kidman throughout the film, but like many lone voices of reason, crying out in the wilderness of most arcane horror, she is treated with utter dripping contempt and ends the film covered in animal feces for the entertainment of fools and little fools, also known as children.
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MELBOURNE – Eyes Wide Shut and BMX Bandits star Nicole Kidman has today announced that she will ‘no longer be making good films’.
The Australian superstar told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
I’ve come to that stage in my career where for every good film I make, there are at least three very poor ones and it only serves to confuse my many fans and/or detractors. Just as they think I’ve come good with a The Hours, or Rabbit Hole, up pops a slew of Grace of Monacos and Australias. It’s exhausting, so from now on I’m going to concentrate my energy on just making completely missable muck and adverts for pongy perfume.
Fans of Miss Kidman greeted the revelation with jubilation.
Jonty Beirs, President of the Nicole Kidman Fan Club, said:
It’s about time she stopped worrying about making those challenging films, the poor lamb. I don’t give a hoot for artist quality or any of that tripe. I just want to see Nicole enjoying herself and relaxing for once. She seems so tense all the time. You just want to see her lit rip, the little darling.
However, some have said that Nicole is set for a resurgence and if that is so the Studio Exec will be the first to happily eat his words with ranch sauce.
Nicole Kidman will next be seen in Paddington.
HOLLYWOOD – The bear who stars in the new movie Padington was dubbed by English actor Ben Wishaw, The Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal.
The news came as a shock to the British films millions of young fans.
‘It’s complete ruddy bullsh*t,’ said Carl (11).
I paid good money to watch Paddington and although I had lots of fun watching his pleasant buffonry and japes, as well as scoffing some top tucker and swilling it down with lashings of ginger beer, I was devilishly put out to discover that there was some actor johnny doing all his lines. Zooks! Let the bear speak, for the love of God’s green earth.
The film’s director, Paul King rushed to explain:
We did try with Paddington’s own voice but unfortunately being from Peru he had a very strong Peruvian accent and his English left a lot to be desired. First of all Colin Firth agreed to do it, but after half a day he threw a wobbly about there being too many green M&Ms in his M&Ms jar and walked off. We had to get Q (Ben Wishaw) from the James Bond films to come in and dub over the bear’s lines.
Although rare and consider dishonest, this is not the first time an actors lines have been overdubbed by people other than themselves. Humphrey Bogart in Beat the Devil was dubbed by Peter Sellers; Darth Vader’s voice was replaced by George Lucas and Caesar in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes was dubbed by Antonio Banderas.
Paddington is on current release.