JAMES WOODS LOSES FORTUNE IN CERAMICS

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood actor James Woods admitted today he had lost his entire fortune in a misguided investment in ceramic action figures.

The Videodrome actor admitted he had been misled by his business associates:

They told me that the technology was very advanced and the action figures wouldn’t break. Donnie and Vincent Beacon told me the figures would be suitable for all ages as well as be worth a lot of money potentially as collectibles with time. We made Pacific Rim action figures, X-Men and the characters from all the Steven Soderbergh films, in particular Behind the Candelabra and Haywire. Unfortunately, the Beacon brothers had strung me along with a lot of false information and the figures broke extremely easily into very sharp pieces. In fact they crumbled. In some cases children were badly injured both when the figures broke like shrapnel and when subsequently some of the children ingested fragments, tempted by the fact we had perhaps unwisely flavoured them strawberry.

When asked about the extent of his financial losses, the Once Upon a Time in America star broke down in tears and moaned like an animal:

They wiped me out. Those bastards. I poured everything in. Even what I got from Salvador and I never got much from that. But still. Now I don’t have a pot to piss in. The house is gone, my cars, my collection of vintage hats. I asked them again and again, I told them Pacific Rim action figures in ceramics? Are you sure? They said yeah. Those little motherf*ckers blew up in my face. There was the money I lost and then on top of that there have been a series of law suits, all of which we have lost.

Anyone who wishes to help James Woods, if you have a room, a small job to do, gardening whatever, please contact us at studioexec1@gmail.com

PACIFIC RIM: REVIEW

HONG KONG – SMASH: Godzillas coming through an underwater vagina threaten the world with Roland Emmerich movies: CRASH: The last chance for humanity, a bunch of Transformers, sponsored by Jaegermeister and driven by two 3D characters pretending to have emotional back stories and playing Just Dance on Wii. BOOM!

Guillermo del Toro splashes down (SHHHWAAHAHHHSHSHHTHUUUMMMMMMMMCRKKKLLLINKKLELELELLssss) with the latest Summer blockbuster. It’s loud not just because of the FTTHHSHTUNK of warring giant robots and monsters but also with the sound of orgasmic cries from the fan boy community. Sure, it’s a hell of a lot better than Michael Bay, but that bar is so low you could probably get over it just by sliding. 
The film is fun, brainless nonsense with a ‘don’t think about it too hard’ premise, cheerfully ticking all the cliché boxes almost as if it was honour bound to do so – the rousing speech, the hard ass boss, the maverick who doesn’t obey orders, and the ethnic stereotypes. But the action is well done, the spectacle spectacular. There’s the occasional flash of wit though the broader comedy falls flatter than some of the crushed cars, such as the comedy scientists who look exactly like empty shapes in the script with ‘add comedy here’ written on them in pencil. 

A noisy exercise in the city smash/giant robots hitting monsters genre that gives its target audience exactly what they want: the fantasy that some day they’ll save the Earth because of their gaming skills.