OSCARS INTRODUCE BOOTCAMP WEEK

BREAKING NEWS: The Oscars introduce Bootcamp Week, which will require all nominees to spend a week performing tasks and songs in order to gain ‘Oscar Credits’. These credits will go towards the final vote count to decide who picks up the coveted awards. So, as the Oscars introduce Bootcamp Week, we asked The Academy’s spokesman, Charles ‘Whitey’ Whiteman about this latest announcement.

Is Oscars Bootcamp Week An Attempt To Win Ratings?

I’m glad you me asked that question. Let me be quite clear about this. I have always firmly held this opinion. No matter what anyone else may tell you. Those in the main stream mass media would have you believe otherwise. But I am not for turning and I believe I have the full support of my colleagues on this issue. And it is an issue. A vitally important issue.

You Haven’t Answered My Question.

Didn’t I? My apologies. I used to be a GOP Advisor, old habits die hard.

Well? You Still Didn’t Answer.

Oh yeah, apologies again. Um… no. No it isn’t.

But You Can Understand How People See This As Part Of A Long List Of Changes? Changes That Are Moving The Oscars Away From Being The Most Coveted Award In The Movie Industry Into A Reality Show.

Not at all. We are simply introducing Bootcamp Week so all the viewers can make up their mind on which nominee in each category has the best story, the best journey while in the Oscars House. A just dead Nanna or Grampa always helps also. People are a sucker for a sob story.

There’s A House?

Oh yeah. We’re gonna have a diary room, voice coaches, dance coaches and daily challenges for luxury food. There will be a vote on who stays and who goes through to the grand final. The final being the Oscars live award show, brought to you in association with Pepto Bismol. Pepto, because watching the Oscars, is shitty enough.

That All Sounds Terrible.

You’re welcome.

The Oscars Bootcamp Week Starts On March 20th.

BEST ATTENDANCE RECORD OSCAR ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from The Academy’s recent announcement of a new Fan Favorite Oscar, they have announced a new Best Attendance Record Oscar category. With the introduction of the new Best Attendance Record Oscar, this will be the start of a policy where ‘nobody goes away empty handed’. The Exec spoke with Academy President, David Rubin about the new announcement.

What Is The Thinking Behind This Best Attendance Record Oscar?

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Many of the grown-ups at The Academy sat down to have a good long think about how we can make everybody happy at the same time. At first we came up with the Fan Favorite Oscar to make sure all the Marvel stans got their moment in the sun. But then we realized that will only apply to Marvel’s movies that were out in the past year. And that children, is what we call a problem. How could we fix it? Do you have any ideas? Put your hands up if you think you know.

Was That When You Came Up With-

I said put your hands up. I can sit here and wait just as long as you. It’s your own time you’re wasting.

Was That When You Came Up With This New Oscar?

Yes. And thank you for putting up your hand. We want to make sure all the children – sorry – members of the Academy go away feeling they’re as valued as the actual winners. The Academy will award the member who as appeared and voted most times at the awards over a rolling five year period. We’re also going to give everyone party bags. We’ll make sure everybody gets a slice of cake, some candy and a few toys to play with before bedtime.

What Do You Say To Those Who Accuse The Academy Of Dumbing Down?

I’d tell them to go sit in the quiet corner and think about how unkind they’re being. Once they’ve had a good think, they can come over here and read out their apology essay to the whole class.

The Oscars Take Place On March 27th.