BEST ATTENDANCE RECORD OSCAR ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from The Academy’s recent announcement of a new Fan Favorite Oscar, they have announced a new Best Attendance Record Oscar category. With the introduction of the new Best Attendance Record Oscar, this will be the start of a policy where ‘nobody goes away empty handed’. The Exec spoke with Academy President, David Rubin about the new announcement.

What Is The Thinking Behind This Best Attendance Record Oscar?

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Many of the grown-ups at The Academy sat down to have a good long think about how we can make everybody happy at the same time. At first we came up with the Fan Favorite Oscar to make sure all the Marvel stans got their moment in the sun. But then we realized that will only apply to Marvel’s movies that were out in the past year. And that children, is what we call a problem. How could we fix it? Do you have any ideas? Put your hands up if you think you know.

Was That When You Came Up With-

I said put your hands up. I can sit here and wait just as long as you. It’s your own time you’re wasting.

Was That When You Came Up With This New Oscar?

Yes. And thank you for putting up your hand. We want to make sure all the children – sorry – members of the Academy go away feeling they’re as valued as the actual winners. The Academy will award the member who as appeared and voted most times at the awards over a rolling five year period. We’re also going to give everyone party bags. We’ll make sure everybody gets a slice of cake, some candy and a few toys to play with before bedtime.

What Do You Say To Those Who Accuse The Academy Of Dumbing Down?

I’d tell them to go sit in the quiet corner and think about how unkind they’re being. Once they’ve had a good think, they can come over here and read out their apology essay to the whole class.

The Oscars Take Place On March 27th.

FIVE WORST MOVIE LISTS LISTED

The Exec takes a stand against lazy film journalism with our Five Worst Movie Lists list. Are you bored of reading list after list in your regular movie news outlets? We bring you the definitive five worst movie lists list that drunk and high film journos submit to their equally drunk and equally high commissioning editors every Friday afternoon rather than do a decent day’s work:

 

5: The Best Movies That Didn’t Win An Oscar

 


Do you really care about the films whose producers and studios didn’t grease enough palms or have enough dirt on the voting members of The Academy? See also – Films that thought they were worthy but actually sucked balls and Martin Scorsese’s best movies.

 

4: Actors To Play The Next James Bond

 


We haven’t even had Daniel Craig’s final film yet. Do you honestly think a producer of Barbara Broccoli’s stature is going to commit to anything until the numbers are in and banked? It’s the most uncertain movie opening of all time. Do pay attention double-0-knucklehead.

 

3: Marvel’s Films Ranked

 


You can replace Marvel with any franchise, star or noteworthy director. They’re not written with any joy and celebration, they want to piss you off with their number 1 choice and goad you into sharing it. CLICK. BAIT. Fishy.

 

2: The Best (Insert Genre) Movies You’ve Never Seen

 


They can’t be that fucking great if nobody has ever seen them. Stop assuming everyone is a bottom feeding moron who only watches whatever it is Buzzfeed tells them to watch. Also, stop signposting how clever you are for appreciating an ‘undiscovered masterpiece’ that we would never have seen if it weren’t for you.


1: Lists About Other Movie Lists

 


Who the hell do you think you are? Why are you telling people what they can and can’t read? But people keep reading the lists and giving these websites hits. Because of that, they keep being commissioned, over and over again.

 


NEXT WEEK – THE EXEC’S HOT TAKE ON TAKES

NAKED OSCARS WILL BE HOSTED BY LOUIS CK

HOLLYWOOD – In a drastic change this year, the Academy announced the naked Oscars will be hosted by Louis CK.

The glamorous awards ceremony will be known as the Naked Oscars and will be hosted by Louis CK in an effort to boost ratings.

Look At The Globes On That

In light of the calamitous viewing figures for this year’s Golden Globes which took place online, changes have been made to this year’s Oscars. The Academy has announced this year’s Oscars ceremony will be entirely nude and Louis CK will host the event, bollock naked. The Exec spoke to Academy PR Spokesperson, Dee Versity to clarify the announcement:

Dee, talk us through this dramatic decision please.

We all saw the ratings for the Globes and we thought, shit a brick, no-one cares about awarding multi-millionaire actors and actresses anymore. We knew we had to come up with a concept that people would want to watch. Our research suggested that people like to see their Hollywood heroes naked. So, we thought, fuck it, let’s get their kit off.

How did you get everyone to agree to be naked?

They won’t actually be naked. We have Andy Serkis in a mo-cap suit backstage and Peter Jackson directing the proceedings from a truck out back. We can super impose the winner’s face and a smoking hot naked bod on Andy who will mimic their walk and collect the award. The winners don’t have to get up from their chairs, which helps with social distancing. Plus it keeps the female recipients away from Louis because, well… y’know.

Why did you choose Louis CK?

He approached us as soon as heard about the full frontal nudity. He asked us if he could host it, and he said he’d do it for free. I have no idea why, but who cares? We also think his little ginger pubes and white peanut will be kinda cute next to all those swinging schlongs and bouncing bazongas.

Will the CGI nudity be anatomically accurate?

Fuck no! All these actors and actresses usually have ass doubles in their movies. This is no different. All the men will have great big swinging sausages and the ladies will all be very well endowed. Hubba hubba!

Will the CGI software be respectful of POC?

Um, well, how do I say this? It’s The Academy Awards, The Oscars. Let’s be honest. I can’t see them including many people of color in the winner’s column, can you? We didn’t bother buying that upgrade for the software.

The Naked Oscars takes place on April 25th.

OSCAR NOMINATIONS ANNOUNCED EARLY

HOLLYWOOD – This year’s Oscar nominations have been announced early.

In yet another Exec exclusive, we break the Oscar nominations announced early AF bro. The nominees are:


Best Picture:

What The Fuck Was That About? (Charlie Kaufman – Netflix)
We Only Remember The White Guys (Aaron Sorkin – Netflix)
Token Animated Film (Pete Docter & Kemp Powers – Disney Pixar)
The Annual Frances McDormand Oscar Bait (Chloe Zhao – Highwayman Films)
Cold Sad Beard (George Clooney – Netflix)
Kinda Korean Film Because Parasite Won Last Year (Lee Isaac Chung)

Best Actor:

George Clooney (Cold Sad Beard)
Gary Oldman (Load Of Old Mank)
Riz Ahmed (I Learned The Drums And Everything)
Delroy Lindo (Don’t Piss Spike Off Again)
Stanley Tucci (British Set Oscar Bait)
Colin Firth (British Set Oscar Bait)


Best Actress:

Frances McDormand (The Annual Frances McDormand Oscar Bait)
Meryl Streep (The Prom: Because Glee Was A Thing)
Kate Winslet (Period Drama – Tick, Kate Winslet – Tick, LGBTQ Storyline – Tick: We Have A Winner!)
Angela Bassett (Animated – Nope, Black Female – Hell No, She’s How Old And Not Meryl Streep? Forget It)
Elisabeth Moss (Take Your Pick, She Aint Winning Shit)
Rashida Jones (Doesn’t Matter, It’s Directed By Sophia Coppola)

Best Director:

Spike Lee (We Promise This Time)
Spike Lee (Honestly, You’ll Win)
Sophia Coppola (Do You Know Who My Dad Is?)
Spike Lee (Don’t Hurt Me)
Spike Lee (And The Oscar Goes To)
George Clooney (Cold Sad Beard – But He Is White So…)

The Oscars are due to be hosted this year by Bill Cosby. So no issues there.

TROLLS WORLD TOUR FAVORITE TO WIN BEST PICTURE OSCAR

HOLLYWOOD – New animated film Trolls World Tour set to sweep the Oscars, according to some.

When the Queen of the Hard Rock Trolls tries to take over all the Troll kingdoms, Queen Poppy and her friends try different ways to save all the Trolls. So reads the plot synopsis of Trolls World Tour. A cheerful animated flick, no one believed it would have much impact on the Academy, beyond the animation category. But with a dearth of cinema product on our screens, Academy insiders claim that the new film looks set to sweep the board.

Jacob Stankley of The New York Times told us:

The only way anyone can stop Trolls World Tour would be if the Academy were to accept films for nominations without theatrical release. But that is never going to happen. Not in one million years. Just no way. You’re kidding me? Really?

 Billy Hunt, the little kid fishing on the crescent moon in the Dreamworks logo, expressed his delight:

It’s amazing. We’re all really pleased here at Dreamworks. But there’s no point counting our chickens. as we always say here at Dreamworks, you can give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but capture an adolescent boy and force to fish in perpetuity and you have yourself a brand.

Despite everyone being pleased, some were angry. Susan Sarandon told the Studio Exec:

This is a disgrace. That’s a racist, sexist, transphobic film, which is why I’m going to do everything in my power to see that Donald Trump wins another term.

Trolls World Tour is now available for streaming.

WILL 2020 OSCARS END KEVIN JAMES’ OSCAR DROUGHT?

HOLLYWOOD – Time has come to decide once and for all who will win the 2020 Oscars.

The 92nd Academy Awards – also known as the Oscars – are almost upon us and the time has arrived when we should start to ask the question: will 2020 finally be Kevin James’ year? Although the man known internationally as ‘the barrel of laughs’ has never been nominated, his name is always in the mix ever since Paul Blart Mall Cop hit the screens in 2009.  And yet 2020 is already heavy with Oscar worthy competition.

The Biggest Threats

So what are the leading threats to a James victory? First off, Quentin Tarantino’s 9th movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood has just dropped a trailer and the Brad Pitt Leonardo DiCaprio double bill is bound to have the Academy salivating. Then there’s The Irishman – produced by Netflix and directed by Martin Scorsese – which is gaining a lot of steam and boasts both Robert de Niro and Al Pacino among the impressive cast. James Mangold’s Ford v Ferrari epic also has big hitter Christian Bale and Matt Damon in the running. But the most dangerous contender will be Oscar darling Tom Hanks, who hits the theaters as Mr Rogers in the movie A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.

But for what film?

Fans of Kevin James believe however that he can do it. We spoke with veteran Kevin James watcher Haneke Makalé:

As has always been the case with Kevin James – the fun biscuit as he likes to be called – the man is a perfectionist. He tends to choose one film project per year and throw himself heart and soul into it. A little bit like Daniel Day Lewis or Marlon Brando, but funny. He employs the method. Last year, he made Hotel Transylvania 3 and it took a lot out of him. Whether we see him this year is open to debate. And the Oscars are very strict about this. If you don’t appear in a film, you can’t win an Oscar, unless it is a lifetime achievement award. And Kevin James – The Saturn of Mirth as he’s known in France – is a bit young still for that.

You have to be in it to win it, Kevin. So get those film making trousers on and let’s go to work.

For more on the Oscars click here.

HUMAN CENTIPEDE TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – The Human Centipede will host the Academy Awards ceremony – also known as the Oscars.

Following Kevin Hart’s decision to drop out of the Oscars, speculation exploded as to who the new host would be with more than a million people killed in the ensuing excitement. However, now the emergency hospitals can breathe a sigh of relief as a replacement host has stepped forward: The Human Centipede.

We spoke with The Oscars. Here is that:

We’re so happy here. Not only is the Human Centipede the star of three blockbuster films – Human Centipede, Human Centipede 2 and Human Centipede 3 – but they (preferred pronoun) also ticks the boxes when it comes to representing diversity. Some of it is black, some white, some Latino, some is LGBTQ. Actually, the Human Centipede would prefer a longer acronym but we didn’t quite understand what they said.

Many believed that Billy Crystal would take over. Anyone wondering what the Oscars are can go over to Wikipedia, where it says:

The Academy Awards, also known as the Oscars, are a set of 24 awards for artistic and technical merit in the film industry, given annually by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS), to recognize excellence in cinematic achievements as assessed by the Academy’s voting membership.

Asked to comment the Human Centipede mumbled something. The Green Book will win.

The ceremony will take place on February 20th.

LOUIS CK TO HOST THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Controversial comedian Louis CK replaces Kevin Hart as Oscars host.

The Academy Awards have chosen Louis CK to host the 91st edition of the Oscars this February. The decision came as a shock, as many were still reeling from a stand up set he had done which leaked online. The set had jokes about the Parkland victims and the Trans community. But the Academy today issued the following statement:

Following recent controversy, we have decided that esteemed comedian Louis CK should host the Oscars. We know that Louis has a record of saying inflammatory material and then there’s the business of his masturbating in front of unwilling women, but in the end we thought oh f*ck it, let’s roll the dice and see what happens.

Sources close to the comedian say that he is stoked to be chosen and will be giving it his all.

Louis has been waiting for an opportunity to come back and I think with this gig he’ll finally have a chance to speak directly to people in a way that he knows best.

Rumors that he is will masturbate from the stage into the audience as a Jimmy Kimmel style bit are unconfirmed. One member of the Academy told Studio Exec:

He’s not asked our permission to do it, so there’s a good chance he will.

The Oscars take place February 25th.

BRUTALLY CONFUSED OSCAR VOTER WANTS MERYL STREEP TO WIN BEST PICTURE

HOLLYWOOD – Meryl Streep should win the Best Picture Oscar, according to a confused Academy member.

Anonymous Academy voter has argued that the Best Picture Oscar should go to Meryl Streep. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, the confused voter gave this account of himself:

I’m not voting for Get Out because a. I don’t like horror movies and b. black people. I’m not voting for Shape of Water because a. I don’t like monster movies and b. I don’t like Mexicans. Phantom Thread: a. I don’t like ghost stories b. who’s this Fred? Ladybird is out because women. Yuk. Call Me By Your Name put me off fruit. The Post is fake news. Dunkirk I can’t understand why Bane is flying a Spitfire. So I’ve decided to vote for Meryl Streep for best picture.

But she isn’t nominated in that category.

It doesn’t matter. She is wonderful and I’m voting for her as best director, best make up, best soundtrack as well. Frankly, I’m just writing Streep all over my ballot.

The Oscars are tomorrow.

COUNTDOWN TO OSCARS 2019 BEGINS

HOLLYWOOD – The countdown to the 91st Academy Awards (also known popularly as the Oscars) begins.

Sunday sees Jimmy Kimmel host the 90th Academy Awards but here at the Studio Exec we’re already looking forward to the next edition.

We spoke with resident Oscar expert Oscar Isaac:

The 91st edition of the Academy Awards look like being the most competitive ever. A real make or break year. Meryl Streep, Denzel Washington and Tom Hanks are joined in the acting categories by Sting and Kevin James in what has turned out to be a genuinely surprising year. The new Tarantino movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood might see the famed director get his hands on a Best Picture for the first time. Though some claim that his killing of Leonardo di Caprio might go against him.

He killed di Caprio?

To be fair, Quentin didn’t force him to fly that helicopter in Mexico.

Jesus.

Woody Allen’s collaboration with Roman Polanski – Thank God for Little Girls – was the surprise entrant in the Foreign Language category, his first French language film where it’ll compete with Michael Haneke’s Eine Kliene Nacht Musik – which translates as You Are All a Bunch of Shitting Bastards. As for Best Picture, Guillermo del Toro must certainly be in the running with his Splash reboot and George Lucas for Button Pants. There’s also bound to be the now traditional mix up at the end. Hashtag hilarious.

Thanks Oscar.

That’s fine Exec.

The Oscars are on Sunday.

OSCARS PLAN BEST PICTURES SNAFU

HOLLYWOOD – The Oscars will feature another SNAFU on the Best Picture Oscar this year.

The nominations for the 90th edition of the Academy Awards are out. And already excitement is beginning to build, with many already laying odds on who the winner might be. But one thing is certain, whoever wins the Best Picture is going to almost certainly be the second name called. We spoke with a spokesperson for the Academy:

We had such fun last year with Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. First of all we thought it was a huge mistake but we got more ratings and buzz for days and weeks afterwards than we had for any other edition. We live in a new world now and if the Oscars are going to survive it is going to have to become more and more viral. This kind of story runs and runs.

 So you’re going to intentionally give the wrong movie the Best Picture Oscar?

Exactly. We have talked about leaking it into other categories as well. Can you imagine how funny it will be when Denzel Washington gets up and starts his acceptance speech only to be interrupted and told that Daniel Day-Lewis has won it again. Hilarious.

It could upset some people.

We also thought of a new system where we announce two winners and make the decider a race to reach the podium. When Margot Robbie hears about that she’ll probably break Meryl Streep’s leg! Because of the I, Tonya, you see because…

Yeah I get it. I just don’t believe it. 

It’s adapt or die in the new social media landscape Exec. We had Ellen Degeneres doing a selfie some years back, but that stuff got old pretty fast. Now we’ve got to innovate. One idea was to burn Kevin Spacey in effigy on the stage, or even have a ‘purge’ on the red carpet. But we also want to keep the dignity of the academy going. So… this is what we’ve got.

The Oscars are broadcast March 4th, 8:00 PM ET, ABC.

 

SEAN SPICER TO HOST THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump’s former press secretary Sean Spicer will host the 90th edition of the Motion Picture Academy Awards in 2018.

Sean Spicer’s journey from despised turd to semi-ironic despised turd continues. Following his appearance on the Emmys, the Melissa McCarthy lookalike is set to host the 90th Oscars ceremony on March 8, 2018. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Sean was full of beans:

I am sooo excited. There’ll be singing and dancing. I love movies and fame and what not. To tell you the truth when they fired me I thought that’s it for the Spicer. Who is going to want me now? But little did I know that this is America and even when people think you’re a vacuous piece of lying shit, they still want ruffle your hair as long as your rich and famous.

What are you going to do?

I’m going to do that joke about how there are millions watching the show. And then I’m going to say ‘period’ like I did in real life and I was serious. And everyone is going to laugh. It’ll be funny because it’s true. Also, I’d like to do some political humor. I could tell that joke about how Hitler never gassed anybody. Hey, if Billy Crystal and Woody Allen can say ‘Jew this’ and ‘Jew that’, I don’t see why I can’t!

Are you worried about taking on such a big role as a relative amateur?

That’s what we all thought about Donald Trump and now look where we are! Ha ha. No but seriously. If James Franco and Ann Hathaway can do it, I’m sure I’ll be fine.

How does Donald Trump feel about your job?

He’ll appear as a surprise guest! And we’ll all ruffle his hair. It’ll be hilarious. Other guests include Steve Bannon and the Mooch are going to do a tap dancing/ contortionist act. David Duke is doing a skit about diversity. Who know there were that number of different types of blond hair? And Scott Baio and Kid Rock are going to sing ‘Imagine’ while pissing on a picture of Hillary Clinton! But you know, ironically.

The Oscars will be on March 8, 2018.

 

CASEY AFFLECK’S BEARD FILES FOR DIVORCE

HOLLYWOOD – Casey Affleck’s beard has filed a petition of divorce.

Manchester by the Sea star and Oscar winner Casey Affleck and his beard are to separate after only a year together. The Beard told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I love Casey very much. And I wish him every success in the future. But I cannot be a part of the hypocrisy anymore.  Casey needs to grow up a little and change his way of treating both people and facial hair. I’m mostly concerned with facial hair, but that’s my bad.

The relationship has always been a tumultuous one. Casey first met Beard when working on the documentary with Joaquin Phoenix.

Joaquin and I were very attached but when we premiered the film at the Venice Film Festival suddenly he wanted to appear everywhere clean-shaven. I was very hurt. I was cut up. Literally. And Casey, who was going through drama of his own, was a shoulder to cry on and a chin to hang from. I’ll always be grateful for that. But at the same time I won’t miss the crumbs.

Casey Affleck was unavailable to comment.

5 OSCAR PREDICTIONS

HOLLYWOOD – The Oscars are almost here.

The Academy Awards (or Oscars as Bette Davis prefers to call them) are happening Sunday. So the Studio Exec FACT Squad greased up, squeezed into tuxedos and got busy with some predictions.

1 La La Land, or Moonlight is going to win best picture, or Manchester by the Sea, or Fences, or Hacksaw Ridge, or Arrival, or Lion. Or Hidden Figures. Or Hell or High Water. Which is just one film by the way.

2. The winner of best feature documentary will be either black or Italian.

3. John Travolta will present the Best Supporting Actor category and Mahershala Ali will win but everyone will think ‘Meepy Deepy DooDar’ has won instead.

4.  Meryl Streep will happen.

5. Jimmy Kimmel will be a better host than Anne Hathaway and James Franco were. Donald Trump will be mentioned more than once. He will live tweet the event from a toilet in the White House.

 

For more FACTS click HERE.