California – The church of Scientology has today declared that John Travolta’s membership of the religion has been revoked.
“He’s got nothing to do with us”, said chief Scientologist David Miscavige:
I’ve informed all members that they should break contact with Mr Travolta and if they bump into him, they should just look the other way and pretend he’s not there.
A prominent member of the Church who wished to remain nameless said Travolta has had this coming for a while:
He’s just a strange guy and having him around is bad for PR. I mean let’s be honest, Scientology is creepy enough and the last thing it needs is some face-touching weirdo on the books. We’ve talked about making him ‘disappear’ numerous times but he’s too much of a public figure. We can get away with that kind of thing if the person isn’t well known but people would notice he was missing.
Travolta’s reputation has sunk to such depths that even the billion year old soul of the alien spirit currently inhabiting his body has had enough:
F*ck this for a game of soldiers. I’m off to posses Kurt Russell.
HOLLYWOOD – The countdown to the 2014 Oscars has officially begun, following a mistake.
The New Year is here and is often the case some confusion follows in the wake of too much good cheer and celebration. And it was so in the Academy of Motion Pictures and Arts when the countdown to this year’s Academy Awards, or Oscars as they are informally known, was officially initiated. So much so that it accidentally began to the 2014 Oscars and not this year’s 2015 Oscars. An unthinking keystroke means that by the Academy’s own secret rule book the entire 2014 ceremony will have to be replayed before the 2015 one can take place a month later.
A spokesperson for the academy was distraught:
We’re going to have to listen to all of Ellen’s terrible jokes and we’re going to have to try and reconstruct that awful selfie. All the awards will have to be announced and the winners and losers will have to feign surprised delight and barely concealed hatred. Steve McQueen is going to have to do that stupid up and down jumping thing he did.
I think it’s just called jumping.
Yeah, well, he’s going to have to do it again. It’s going to be a logistical nightmare and the viewing figures will suffer, almost certainly.
And what about the Oscars in 2015?
I think it is going to be a tight competition between Pompeii and Dumb and Dumber To, with Left Behind being everyone’s dark horse possibility.
The Oscars 2014 take place on the 22nd of February, 2015.