PETER JACKSON TO REMAKE THE NEVERENDING STORY

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had the final battle cries of The Hobbit died out than Peter Jackson has embarked on another fantasy franchise: a remake of the 1984 Wolfgang Petersen film The NeverEnding Story.

The official synopsis reads:

Based on the Michael Ende novel, the film will tell the story of Bastian Bux (Elijah Wood), a young boy who is bullied at school and finds his only escape in books and in particular a book which transports him to a land called Fantasia ruled by a sick princess (Cate Blanchett) who lives in an ivory tower with no sense of irony.  She summons a young warrior called Atreyu (Orlando Bloom) to set and defeat the Nothing (George Lucas in his first major acting role) which threatens the land.

The Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec:

I am very excited to get away from Middle Earth if only for a little while. At first I was a bit cautious about returning to fantasy but I read the book and fell in love with it. I was already a fan of the film. Especially the Limahl song [sings] ‘NeverEnding Story, do-de-do-de-de-do-de-de-do!’

Yes. Good. Fantastic. STOP! Now, how will you approach the film? 

At first I thought it’s going to be impossible to slim down into one film. I wanted to do a simple 90 minute story. But then I realised, who am I kidding? The title is the clue. So we’re going to make fifteen films back-to-back and no one in New Zealand need never go hungry or on holiday again.

The NeverEnding Story Parts 1-16 will be released over the next twenty years. 

TWO VERSION OF PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES SHOT

HOLLYWOOD – Two versions of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales have been reportedly shot.

The fifth instalment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – has been shot in two radically different versions, the Studio Exec has learned. Both films revolve around a desperate search for the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow by Javier Bardem’s Captain Salazar. In one version, Jack Sparrow played by Johnny Depp is found and in the other Amber Heard version, he isn’t. A source close to the production spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It was actually fortuitous that the plot was already written around this search so it just became a matter of adding some bits to the second version and changing the ending. The studio has always thought this was a strong vehicle for Johnny but with things going the way they’re going they want some insurance, particularly as this is a family film. Should there be a video released of Johnny doing wild drunk shit, ranting about Jamie and the Magic Torch or humping the family dog, then we’ll release the non-Johnny version. However, if that doesn’t happen, then everyone will forget and we’ll get the loveable old pirate back again. And we all love Johnny, right? What do you think?

Pirates of the Caribbean will also star Orlando Bloom and will be released in 2017.

CANNES DIARY. DAY 1 AND 2

CANNES – A diary from the dirty side of the Croissette at the 69th Cannes Film Festival.

Look seriously I cannot be bothered to be sitting down and writing these Cannes diaries when I’ve spent the whole day trying to get Jodie Foster’s Beaver out of the conversation. This is the 69th Cannes film festival isn’t it? Everybody screamed as we headed away from the Marriott and toward the Palais du Cinema. Security is so tight right now that the Gendarmes are not letting anyone in with bottled water because of the great bottled water bomb of 1987. Memories are long in this town, except for pederasty.

There was a series of weird jokes during the opening ceremony. Two or three homophobic ones and something about Woody Allen not being prosecuted for rape. I mean weird because I didn’t make them. They were all the work of some French comedian. But any complaints about French comedy should be addressed to the fact that the French love Jerry Lewis. And there I rest my case.

Ken Loach is skipping around town in a tight gold lame gown. He’s prepping the new Sex and the City movie, I, Carrie which is creating tons of buzz. Likewise Jodie Foster’s amazing film Money Monster manages to make us feel sorry for George Clooney again because he has too much sex and money.  By the way the film is a complete disgrace. It’s actually evil. Not only does it whitewash (and I mean it in the old sense now) the financial crisis and more or less blame the victims and one bad apple despite all the evidence to the contrary, but it also has zero tits. And I mean none.

Tomorrow I’m going for a party on a yacht with Orlando Bloom and Iggy Pop. I’ve told them to wear name tags.

NORTH KOREA TEST ORLANDO BLOOM

SEOUL – Reports are coming in that North Korea have successfully tested an Orlando Bloom in the Sea of Japan.

There have been rumors for weeks; noise and what the CIA call ‘chatter’ from Pyongyang that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea had developed their very own Orlando Bloom and were ready to detonate him as a show of strength to their southern neighbors as well as other powers in the region. China had been among the powers urging caution and diplomatic channels with the North Koreans and the leader Kim Jong-un had been opened in order to prevent an escalation of blandness. President Barack Obama, while visiting Britain last week, commented that:

Though many might see our position as hypocrisy – we after all have the original Orlando Bloom, and have had him for years – we must assure the North Koreans, Pakistan, Israel and any other power intent on developing their own Orlando Bloom option, that we deeply regret having our own OB and we are seeking ways of safely decommissioning him.

The detonation was detected by scientists using instruments which are usually dedicated to  warning of Tsunamis. One scientist told the Exec, ‘the instruments were off the scale and suddenly we all felt listless and bored.’ The detonation comes only months after China was accused of 3D printing an entire army of Steve Guttenbergs.

More on this story as it develops.

PETER JACKSON TO REBOOT LORD OF THE RINGS

HOBBITON – Following the universally despised The Hobbit Trilogy, Peter Jackson reveals he is to return once more to Middle Earth to realize his dream project: a complete reboot of The Lord of the Rings.

If you thought you’d seen the last of Middle Earth, think again as Peter Jackson is currently preparing a remake of his own trilogy.

The Lovely Bones director swung round the Studio Exec Hobbit Hole to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

I was finishing up the last effects shots of The Hobbit and we’d been in discussions about what to do next. Fran reminded me of the Tin Tin film, but frankly I haven’t heard from Steven since 2013, so I think we’ve both decided to write that one off. Then it came to me why not go back to the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

A remake?

Yes. I’m very proud of those films, but re-watching them I realize there’s so much that I had to leave out.

Like Tom Bombadil?

Exactly like Tom Bombadil. There’s a whole musical number to be done there. Look at the start of The Hobbit. We kept the music in that film and I think everyone can see that it really worked. Not to mention the fact that there’s a whole generation who have yet to see them. And who wants to see an old man like Orlando Bloom when we can get Andrew Garfield in. We can show these films 25,000 frames per second and in 3D IMAX.

Will there be any significant changes?

As I say the originals do hold up, but I’m going to divide them into three films each, because there’s a lot of material in the appendices. And who doesn’t love appendices?

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship will be released in 2018 with Lord of the Rings: Of the Ring due in 2019. 

SAM WORTHINGTON TO BE IN ANOTHER FILM

HOLLYWOOD – News hit the internet today that Sam Worthington was going to star in another film.

The film will have a title, a director and a script as well as other actors who will play alongside Sam Worthington. A producing partnership have already said how exciting the project is, despite the fact Sam Worthington is going to be in it.

An industry watcher spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the development:

This is going to be a very bad year. If rumors are true Orlando Bloom has been defrosted from carbonite and is being made supple in preparation for Pirates of the Caribbean 5. The news that Sam Worthington is also free and roaming the studio system is too much to believe. I remember the old days when directors and producers employed actors in films.

The Brit-born Australian actor Sam Worthington has appeared in Terminator Salvation, Drift and Man on a Ledge. Worthington has so far left no comment about his forthcoming film except to say that he was ‘delighted to be working’.

There had been fears/hopes that Worthington had been deleted by James Cameron following the filming of Avatar, but Worthington went on to appear in Clash of the Titans and Wrath of the Titans but it is hoped that his new film won’t have the word “Titan” in the title.

Titan will be released in 2017.

ORLANDO BLOOM RELEASED FROM CARBONITE

HOLLYWOOD – Pirates of the Caribbean and Lord of the Rings actor Orlando Bloom has been successfully released from carbonite, it was revealed today.

Orlando Bloom has been defrosted from the carbonite that held him in suspended animation for several years in order to allow him to appear in the fifth installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean. Although sources disagree it is thought that Bloom had been carbon frozen shortly after his appearance in Ridley Scott’s Kingdom of Heaven in 2005, though others contend that Bloom must have been subject to the controversial storage process following 2007’s Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.

Bloom watcher George Samsonite told the Studio Exec:

It is difficult to date Bloom’s freezing in carbonite because he did appear in a number of films following the hibernation process but the bland status of his acting makes it very difficult to tell if he has been frozen solid into a block or if he’s simply being Orlando Bloom. One thing we can say for certain is that his appearances in The Hobbit films were certainly taking place post-carbonite freezing.

Meanwhile news that Orlando Bloom had been unfrozen was met with worldwide consternation and markets in Asia tumbled. President Barack Obama issued a statement to try and reassure the citizenry:

Orlando Bloom has been released only for the duration of the filming of the new Pirates of the Caribbean film. We have had assurances from the film makers that Mr. Bloom will voluntarily submit himself once more to the carbon freezing process as soon as the film is completed. Apparently as well as being painless, it is believed that Bloom enjoys being frozen in carbonite, saying that it tickles.

Pirates of the Caribbean 5 will be released in 2017.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN ANNOUNCES NEW PROJECT: JENGA

LONDON – Christopher Nolan has chosen his follow up to the Dark Knight Rises: Jenga: the Motion Picture.

Nolan announced his decision in a written statement on beautiful velvety paper (lightly lemon scented) which read:

Ciao world!

I have decided after much consideration to follow up my wonderful Interstellar with a film which will be even more epic and even more personal. It is to be entitled Jenga and before you ask, oh, just like the wooden block puzzle game!? I shall say, exactly like that. In fact, it is identical to it. The film will be scripted by my brother Jonathan and scored by my sisters, Denise, Linda, Coleen and Bernadette with help of Hans Zimmer’s booming trombones.

The story is simplicity itself. A series of interlocking wooden realities are poised to achieve great altitude but the oblong necessities of life pattern require the extraction of rectangular solidity with a fluid and speedy motion, obtaining to the balance of the whole and allowing the sum of the parts to remain the same even as each of those parts in terms of truth value shifts defiantly along a vertical to  table axis. It is a story about balance, architecture, restraint and Michael Caine crying.

I have assembled the most wooden cast I could find, including Jude Law, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Pine, though the latter is purely for punning purposes. Orlando Bloom is also in talks with us.

I know that some will be disappointed by my decision, having kindly compared me to Stanley Kubrick and perhaps expecting me to take on a subject that is deeper, but I should remind such folk that I am a massive genius with a popular touch; a marvelous director, who can take the juvenile stupidity of Batman and create the high art of a Wagnerian opera cycle. I am committed to rendering the popular ephemera of life magical by cinematic art.

Plus Hasbro are going to pay sickeningly large amounts of money.

Signed

Christopher Nolan

Jenga: The Movie is due for release in 2016.

PETER JACKSON TO REMAKE THE NEVERENDING STORY

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had the final battle cries of The Hobbit died out than Peter Jackson has embarked on another fantasy franchise: a remake of the 1984 Wolfgang Petersen film The NeverEnding Story.

The official synopsis reads:

Based on the Michael Ende novel, the film will tell the story of Bastian Bux (Elijah Wood), a young boy who is bullied at school and finds his only escape in books and in particular a book which transports him to a land called Fantasia ruled by a sick princess (Cate Blanchett) who lives in an ivory tower with no sense of irony.  She summons a young warrior called Atreyu (Orlando Bloom) to set and defeat the Nothing (George Lucas in his first major acting role) which threatens the land.

The Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec:

I am very excited to get away from Middle Earth if only for a little while. At first I was a bit cautious about returning to fantasy but I read the book and fell in love with it. I was already a fan of the film. Especially the Limahl song [sings] ‘NeverEnding Story, do-de-do-de-de-do-de-de-do!’

Yes. Good. Fantastic. STOP! Now, how will you approach the film? 

At first I thought it’s going to be impossible to slim down into one film. I wanted to do a simple 90 minute story. But then I realised, who am I kidding? The title is the clue. So we’re going to make fifteen films back-to-back and no one in New Zealand need never go hungry or on holiday again.

The NeverEnding Story Parts 1-16 will be released over the next twenty years. 

ORLANDO BLOOM TO STAR IN THE WIRE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Following botched attempts by Jason Segel and Harmony Korine to turn the famed HBO show into a movie, The Wire is finally coming to the big screen, now directed by Cameron Crowe and starring Orlando Bloom.

The We Bought a Zoo director spoke exclusively to Studio Exec about the project:

I’m a huge fan of the show, I mean who isn’t, and I knew that David [Simon] had written a script and was looking for someone to take it on. At first he was worried about my approach but I told him that I would honor his work and the city and people of Baltimore and the many social issues which his work touches on. Then I rewrote the script.

What changes did you make?

Everyone knows The Wire can be a little depressing and I don’t mind a little bit of depressing as long as there’s a resolution and a shot of everyone hugging in the rain. Oh and gentle humor. Oh and we changed the setting from Baltimore.

 To?

Paris, France.

Uhm…

McNulty, played by Orlando Bloom, has fallen in love with fellow police officer Kima Greggs, played by Zoe Saldana.

But isn’t she a lesbian?

They fall in love during an undercover operation.’You had me at crack.’ Beautiful line. And they’re married now and on their honeymoon in Paris. Where they meet Bubbles (Chris Rock) who has cleaned up, straightened out and is working for the American government as a spy. A drug deal – a French connection if you will…

 I won’t. 

…is going down and Bubbles, Kima and McNulty must stop while at the same time rescuing Bunk (Tracy Morgan) who has been kidnapped by Le Boss (Mathieu Amalric).

The Wire will be released in 2015.

RIDLEY SCOTT’S ROOTS CAST CONFIRMED

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott’s motion picture remake of seminal TV series Roots is firming up with Orlando Bloom and Brad Pitt joining an all star cast that already includes Emma Stone, Christian Bale and Robert Pattinson.

Based on Alex Haley’s novel, the mini-series was a landmark in television history when it first aired on ABC in 1977. Scott said he was delighted at the opportunity to make what he describes as a re-imagining of the family saga which stretches from colonial times through the civil war to the present day. Orlando Bloom has confirmed he will be playing Kunta Kinte, the African who is captured, sold into slavery and brought to America. Emma Stone plays Kizzy, his daughter and Christian Bale will play Mingo, an older slave who teaches George (Robert Pattinson) about cock-fighting.

The sadistic slave owner will be played by Samuel L. Jackson.

Ridley Scott spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec about his new project:

Many people have said why now? Why make this film now? And with that cast? Well, the answer is simple. Following the election of President Obama the time has come to revisit slavery and issues of race and reassess them. So that’s what we’re going to do and we’re going to do it without the old racist ideas that black actors should play the black roles and white actors should be forbidden from playing roles of characters who were in reality actually black. This is very liberating and everyone says I’m brilliant to have even thought it up.

Although the film will for the most part stay close to the source material, Scott has promised to bring it up to date and has already cast Brad Pitt as President Barack Obama.

Roots will be released in 2015.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT JOHNNY DEPP

HOLLYWOOD – Following his amazing performance in Wally Pfister’s Transcendence, Johnny Depp is back to take over the world but what do we really know about him? We uploaded the FACT program and now have brought about a post-technological apoca-FACT!

1. Johnny Depp used to be an actor!

2. When Johnny Depp was seven years old, he stole some raspberries from a local grocery store, but felt guilty about it and took them back. No one had noticed the theft, nor little Johnny putting the raspberries back. Johnny never told anyone about the incident. In fact, he has no recollection of it, so it’s almost as if the event itself – which had no impact on how his life turned out – is vanishingly unimportant. And yet it is a fact.

3. Johnny Depp has had romances with some of the most beautiful young women in the world, including Winona Ryder, Queen Elizabeth II of England, Winnie Mandela, Vanessa Paradis and now the delightful Morgan Freeman.

4. In the industry, Johnny Depp’s nickname is Poster Boy, because of his tendency to steal the poster from any one else in the film, even poor Mia Wasikowska who played the lead role in Alice in Wonderland had the poster stolen from her. This led to a plot by Armie Hammer and Orlando Bloom to assassinate the Poster Boy which luckily was foiled.

5. Johnny Depp’s most popular character, beloved of children everywhere and a popular addition to any fancy dress party is Donnie Brasco. 

For more FACTS of any kind, but especial the FACTual Click Here. 

CODE RED, CODE RED: ORLANDO BLOOM HAS RETURNED

HOLLYWOOD – For two years cinema screens have been miraculously Orlando Bloom free but this week alarms sounded throughout the National Security Agency warning that Elizabethtown‘s Orlando ‘Blando’ Bloom had somehow slipped past all the security measures in place and in front of a film camera and the results were on screens everywhere.

President Obama said that the breach represented a ‘serious blow to our national mood.’ The President told reporters at the White House:

Just as we were getting into a serious economic recovery, Bloom comes along a pisses on our picnic. He’s one of the least interesting screen presences of recent years. He makes Ryan Reynolds look like Daniel Day Lewis.
It is thought Bloom was able to infiltrate the world of film via New Zealand. Director Peter Jackson ignoring sanctions imposed by the United Nation in 2011 apparently cast Bloom in The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug as Legolas. He defended his decision:

First of all I cast Orlando way before the UN resolution past, so I am exempt from that ban legally. Secondly, he’s playing an elf and really being wooden and being elfish is pretty much the same thing. And three, the film isn’t that good, so it’s not like it’s ruining anything.

 The Hobbit: the Desolation of Smaug is the film to avoid if you want to maintain a Orlando Bloom free life.

SCIENTISTS WARN ‘ORLANDO BLOOM COULD RETURN’

LOS ANGELES – Hollywood was put on high alert last night as scientists from the Environmental Protection Agency warned that a return of Orlando Bloom was imminent. ‘We have been looking at a broad range of indicators including the screening guide of the 66th Cannes Film Festival and we have raised the Bloom alert to Code Red,’ said Dr. Yannater Silk of the EPA.

The effects of a return of Orlando Bloom are uncertain but some believe the worst case scenario could include food shortages and mass migration. Paul Rudd – a spokesman for the anti-Bloom pressure group Blando – said:

It has been two whole years since we had an Orlando Bloom film in the theatres and even then that was only a bit part in The Three Musketeers. The effect of a sudden return of Bloom could actually cause a kind of mental implosion. If that were to set off a chain reaction, the Earth’s crust could be compromised followed by the possibility of the destruction of all life on this planet. Or it could just be an unconvincingly wooden performance. One of the two.

Others, however, criticised such remarks as scaremongering. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said:

I for one welcome Orlando Bloom back to our screens, especially if he plays an Elf. Or as the less interesting part of a Johnny Depp film. What I would object to and I believe we should all guard against is a repeat of that Elizabethtown bullshit.    

Orlando Bloom’s new film Zulu  will premier as the closing film of the Cannes Film Festival. Whether it spreads or not is yet to be seen, but the EPA is adamant that using nuclear weapons against the Croissette – as an extreme containment measure – has not been ruled out.