OPRAH WINFREY JOINS ARE YOU BEING SERVED?

HOLLYWOOD – Oprah Winfrey to star in Are You Being Served?

Actress, chat show host and producer, Oprah Winfrey joins Tommy Lee Jones and Michael Shannon in the upcoming cinematic remake of popular British sitcom Are You Being Served?

The news came after speculation that Meryl Streep and Julia Roberts had both been vying for the role of Mrs Slocombe only to be beaten at the last minute by the Queen of Daytime TV. Mrs Slocombe – and her notorious pussy (rumors have it that Andy Serkis has tried out for the role) – will join the retail team at the famous Grace Brothers department store. The Butler actress said:

I don’t do many acting roles because I have so many other commitments so I choose them with real care. But when Tommy came along with the script I knew from page one that I was on board. What people don’t know is Tommy is a really funny guy with a great sense of humor. Once he ran over his gardener’s foot with his car, and I swear to God we couldn’t stop laughing. We were still laughing when the ambulance turned up!

Are You Being Served? is due out in 2022.

For more news on the production CLICK HERE.

5 THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THE GOLDEN GLOBES

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sent in the world famous FACT squad to find out exactly what the Golden Globes taught us about everything.

1. George Clooney went and got married when no one was looking. The world’s most famous bachelor tied the knot with some civil rights lawyer or other sometime in the last year, probably during some kind of secret ceremony.

2. Bill Cosby is easier to joke about than Woody Allen, because everyone is pretty sure he did it. Whereas last year’s Cecil B. DeMille recipient Woody Allen was sniped at via social media by Mia Farrow et al, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler had a couple of rapey jokes which even Ricky Gervais wouldn’t have got away with.

3. Pompeii might not be such a run in for the best picture nomination as previously predicted.

4. Jeremy Renner is in line for Andrew Dice Clay’s crown as stand up comedian of risque material, with his ‘Look at the Golden Globes on you’ hilarious rib-tickler which he slotted in Jennifer Lopez’s direction, who – it turns out – has breasts. You see it’s funny because it’s true. Hmmmm. That one should have stayed in the Joke Locker.

5. Hollywood can take a joke. Except for Emma Stone, who seemed to be quite pissed at being referred to as a Big Eyes painting. And Wes Anderson who rolled his eyes at a riff on his whimsy. And Oprah Winfrey who didn’t seem to get the irony of Tina Fey. And Jeremy Renner can’t tell a joke, who isn’t, to be fair, funny.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

OPRAH WINFREY TO PRODUCE MARTIN LUTHER KING: ZOMBIE KILLER

HOLLYWOOD – The Oprah Winfrey produced Martin Luther King Jr. biopic Selma has had a change of name and direction. Now titled Martin Luther King: Zombie Killer, the film will be directed by Timur Bekmambetov and will star Samuel L. Jackson

Ms. Winfrey explained the change of emphasis:

It’s a fact that young people today are not attracted to large scale, worthy looking historical fare. We already know the story. It’s the kids who need educating. So in conversations with Timur, he suggested why not have Martin Luther King Jr. fight racism AND (and this is the important part) a zombie outbreak? I’ll admit at first I was resistant but then we looked at some figures and we saw that people who wanted to see an MLK movie alone was an okay figure, but MLK + Zombies was off the chart.

Oliver Stone who had also submitted a script to the project reacted angrily to the news.

‘It’s obviously a conspiracy,’ he said.   

Martin Luther King: Zombie Killer will be released in 2016.

OPRAH WINFREY ADOPTS ANGELINA JOLIE

HOLLYWOOD – This morning, Oprah Winfrey announced she has adopted Angelina Jolie as her daughter. Angelina will now go by the name of Angelina Winfrey.

Under conditions of strictest secrecy, the adoption process began early last year and was formalised in a short civic ceremony this morning in Los Angeles.
Brad Pitt attended along with a few close friends and thirty seven of Jolie’s own adopted children. The other forty one were unable to attend as they were finishing their homework. Colin Farrell – who Brad and Angelina adopted while they were working together on Alexander – also attended and wept like a child, often covering his face with a large polka dotted handkerchief.

wept like a ponce


Oprah said she was delighted to welcome Angelina into her family and that they would be living together from now on and doing lots of mom-daughter things such as baking cup cakes and screaming at each other about ‘not understanding’ and life being ‘so unfair’.

Jon Voigt – Angelina Winfrey’s estranged father – said that the adoption did not come as a surprise.

SPIKE LEE ATTACKS LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER

HOLLYWOOD – Today, Spike Lee launched a scathing attack on Oprah Winfrey and Lee Daniels for their new film, Lee Daniels’ The Butler, which stars Forest Whitaker as a butler who works for a succession of eight Presidents, living through the turbulence of the Vietnam war and the Civil Rights movement.

The Malcolm X director fumed: “He just picks stuff up.”

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Lee yelled:

Lee Daniels’ The Butler kisses butt when it should kick butt. Forest Whitaker just stands around doing stuff for a bunch of white folk in the White House. There are no alien invasions, no asteroids hurtling towards the Earth and no terrorists kidnapping the President, who should be Morgan Freeman by the way. You can be sure as shit if Whitaker was Steven Seagal or Bruce Willis he’d spend more time kicking ass and less time picking stuff up, or just standing there.  

Equally outraged was black activist Carrie Fisher, who wrote in her blog Something Fishery:

Lee Daniels’ The Butler‘s bullshit. We see the White House and we’re waiting. Whitaker turns up to do an ordinary job, a servant’s job basically, but we think he’s probably ex-Special Forces. It’s tense. We wait. One president, nothing, then two presidents. What the fuck? Three presidents, four? In the end there are eight Goddam presidents and not one time does the White House get infiltrated by terrorists. Not once. Or blown up by an asteroid. It’s bullshit.   

Harvey Weinstein, whose Weinstein Company produced the film, issued the following statement: 

We were expecting a lot more from Lee Daniels’ The Butler. Frankly we were misled. Once Lee Daniels said that Lee Daniels’ The Butler was set in the White House there were three ways it could go: asteroid, terrorists, or the President’s dog. I’m sad to say that Lee Daniel’s The Butler falls down on all three counts. We shall be seeking legal compensation. 

Lee Daniels’ The Butler 2: With Terrorists will be released in 2015.

OPRAH/ARMSTRONG:THE MOVIE


Director Ron Howard has announced his next project will be a full length feature based around the controversial Oprah Winfrey/Lance Armstrong interview.

I’ll be following the same template as Frost/Nixon” said a buoyant Howard.

We’ve known this interview was going to take place for a few weeks and so we’ve already got our two leads. Michael Sheen was the obvious for Lance but unfortunately he’s busy playing the voice of Henry Spencer in Pixar’s animated remake of Eraserhead

We auditioned Brad Pitt but unfortunately the man reeked so strongly of Chanel No5 my casting director passed out and had to be taken into hospital. In the end it was a choice between Matt Damon and Ben Affleck so we did the sensible thing and cast Aaron Eckhart.”

As for the role of Winfrey, Howard only had one actor in mind.

This film just wouldn’t work unless we got the right person to play Oprah and for me, Tyler Perry is the only man who can do the role justice.”

We asked Howard how Eckhart and Perry had been preparing for the roles.

Well Aaron has been cycling a lot and we’ve been giving him various performance enhancing drugs and upping his dosage day by day. He’s become very irate and his doctor informs me the speed of his body hair growth has quadrupled but he can do the 100 metres on his bike in 8.76 seconds. As for Tyler he’s just bought another wig for his Madea costume.”

Oprah/Armstrong is due for release in December 2013

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY WILL ‘BE BAD ON PURPOSE’

NEW YORK – New Fifty Shades of Grey scribe Kelly Marcel has revealed that her script of the ground breaking, lingering, thrusting, moistening novel will be ‘purposefully and dynamically bad’.
‘Making a good film is easy,’ Ms. Marcel said. ‘But this is going to be a real challenge. How can I take this towering, lurching, leering, pumping novel full of sweaty dripping, panting pages and discipline it and make it bad, so bad, you filthy bitch? You know you want it.’

Ryan Gosling was offered the role of billionaire Christian Grey and was so scared he hasn’t stop running yet. He’s currently hiding in Terrence Malick’s crowd sourced movie The Knight of Cups (read more about Malick’s new film here). Angelina Jolie also expressed an interest in the role of Anastasia Steele but was openly scoffed at and anyway her new mother Oprah Winfrey won’t allow her to do rude stuff (read more about the adoption here).

Marcel argues that the book is liberating for women, allowing them to honestly indulge in and explore their own sexual desires.

‘It’s the best thing to happen to women since the spin cycle,’ she whsipered. (Read more about the spin cycle in 50 Shades of Grey).

Fifty Shades of Grey will be released in 2015.