Opening Scene Archives -

SCRIPT LEAK: TRAINSPOTTING 2

Int:Renton is whistling merrily and making a salad in the kitchen of his respectable London flat. The door bell rings, it’s Begbie.

Renton

Afternoon Sir. Lovely day isn’t it?

Begbie

F*ck you yer f*cking c*nt. Ave you got any f*cking heroin?

Renton

I’m a 43 year old charted accountant living in Fulham, Begbie. Where, pray tell, would I purchase heroin from?

Begbie

Aw f*cking come on Rents. Just a wee f*cking hit.

Renton

Bad day?

Begbie

Ack it’s been a right c*nt of a day. Two lads in my class failed their f*cking Maths exam and that c*nt of a headmaster got all up in my face telling me I’ve got to give them extra f*cking tuition after school.

Renton

Sounds like a ghastly business. I’m surprised you didn’t attack him.

Begbie

Aye I wanted to chin the c*nt but since I’ve been going to those f*cking anger management classes I’m a reformed f*cking character.

Renton

Indeed you are. Now do you want to eat now, or after our Yoga class?

Begbie

F*cking after you slow c*nt. There’s no f*cking way I can get myself into the Ustrasana position with a full f*cking stomach.

Renton

Fine then let’s go. By the way, can you still make it to the Chekov play at the Donmar on Friday night? Sick Boy has already bought the tickets.

Begbie

Aw f*ck me! I f*cking forgot. Which f*cking play is it?

Renton

The Seagull

Begbie

Ack. Aye all f*cking right but if it was that c*nt Uncle Vanya I’d have told you to go f*cking f*ck yourself.

FIN

SCRIPT LEAK: PROMETHEUS 2:

EXT: DEEP SPACE

THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS SPACE AND EVENTUALLY FOCUSES ON A LARGE PLANET THAT LOOKS SIMILAR TO EARTH. ALL OF A SUDDEN A BATTERED SPACESHIP APPEARS HURTLING TOWARDS THE PLANET.

EXT: PLANET

THE SPACESHIP CRASH LANDS INTO A FOREST. THERE APPEARS TO BE NO SIGN OF LIFE UNTIL THE BAY DOORS OPEN AND DAVID THE ANDROID’S HEAD ROLLS DOWN THE SLOPE AND COMES TO REST ON THE GROUND. IT LOOKS AROUND, SPROUTS MECHANICAL SPIDERS LEGS AND SCURRIES OFF INTO THE UNDERGROWTH.

DR ELIZABETH SHAW APPEARS IN A BIKNI AND SUNGLASSES DRINKING FROM A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA. BEHIND HER APPEARS AN ALIEN ALSO IN SUNGLASSES SMOKING A CIGARETTE. THEY KISS.

DAVID’S SPIDER HEAD SCURRIES BACK TOWARDS THE COUPLE

DAVID

If you would both like to step this way. There is something I think you’d like to see.

SHAW AND THE ALIEN FOLLOW DAVID THROUGH THE FOREST UNTIL THEY COME TO A CLEARING. A GIANT GRAVESTONE IS SEEN WITH THE WORDS ‘ HERE LIES GOD. 100 BILLION BC – JULY 25TH 2095′.

SHAW

I can’t believe we came all this way and only missed him by a day. I had so many questions. So many things I wanted to say.

THE ALIEN NODS AND CONTINUES SMOKING

SHAW(CONT)

Ah well, f*ck it. Come on boys let’s get back to earth and I’ll take you both to Disneyland.

DAVID

Wait Dr Shaw. There’s something else.

DAVID SCAMPERS TOWARDS THE CLIFF EDGE FOLLOWED BY SHAW AND THE ALIEN. THEY LOOK DOWN AND SEE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY HALF BURIED IN SAND.

SHAW

You maniacs! You blew it up! Oh, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

FIN

SCRIPT LEAK: TAKEN 3

HOLLYWOOD – The new script for Taken 3 has leaked EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec. Read here.

EXT. CHECHNYA. DAY.
Bryan (Liam Neeson), Kim and Lenore Mills arrive in a taxi outside a run down hotel in the middle of an area still devastated by years of warfare. They step over a dead body on their way to the lobby.

BRYAN

(clapping his hands)

This looks like the place.

INT. HOTEL ROOM
The family unpack.

BRYAN

It’s a nice room, isn’t it?

KIM

Why do we have to keep coming to these dumps dad?

LENORE

Yeah Bryan, last year it was Beirut. The year before that…

KIM

The Democratic Republic of the Congo.

BRYAN

Ah, this way we avoid the crowds. I’m going out to stretch my legs.

EXT. PHONE BOOTH ACROSS FROM THE HOTEL

Bryan takes out a folded piece of paper and dials the number.

INT. BACK ROOM OF A SLEAZY TERRORIST CLUB

A bunch of hirsute villains listen to someone rapping in Arabic. The phone rings.

TERRORIST

Yes?

EXT. PHONE BOOTH

Bryan talks into the phone.

BRYAN

They’re in room number 314.

Bryan hangs up and then cover his eyes with his hands.

BRYAN (CONT)

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…

FIN

SCRIPT LEAK: INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Indiana Jones 5 has just been announced and already the Studio Exec has received the leaked screenplay.

Here it is:

EXT: NIGHT

IT’S DARK. INDY IS HACKING AWAY THROUGH THE UNDERGROWTH WITH HIS MACHETE. HE REACHES A HIGH FENCE AND PRODUCES A PAIR OF WIRE CUTTERS FROM HIS JACKET. SUDDENLY WE HEAR THE SOUND OF A SIREN AND THE PLACE IS LIT UP BY FLOODLIGHTS. WE SEE A SIGN ON THE FENCE THAT READS ‘SHADY ACRES RETIREMENT HOME’.

A SILHOUETTE OF A FIGURE MOVES TOWARDS INDY. A FEMALE VOICE IS HEARD.

VOICE
Dr Jones.

INDY CONTINUES USING THE CUTTERS ON THE FENCE

VOICE (CONT’D)
Dr Jones!

THE FIGURE COMES INTO FOCUS. IT’S A WOMAN IN A NURSES UNIFORM.

NURSE
Put down the wire cutters Dr Jones and let’s get you back inside.

INDY
No. I must find the Ark before it falls into the hands of the Nazis

NURSE
Now, Now Dr Jones. We’ve been through this. It’s 1985. The war has been over for 40 years.

INDY
You’re lying!

NURSE
There, there. Come with me back inside. We’re about to serve dinner and it’s your favourite tonight.

INDY
Meatloaf?

NURSE
Meatloaf for main and treacle sponge and custard for dessert.

INDY
Sounds good but I still can’t come back inside.

NURSE
Sure you can. You’ll eat a nice dinner then you can have a nice sit down in the social area. Don’t forget, it’s bingo night tonight.

INDY
You don’t understand. I’ve shit my pants and if I move it’s going to go everywhere.

NURSE
Don’t you worry about that now. I’ll give you a nice hot sponge bath and we’ll get you some clean pants.

INDY
Ok fine. I’m coming.

FIN

SCRIPT LEAK:BILL & TED 3

The year is 2020. Bill and Ted are the biggest band on the planet. Statues have been built in their honour and cities named after them. Mount Rushmore has been re-sculpted with their faces and their philosophy of ‘Be excellent to each other’ is the basis for the dominant global religion.

Int: The Rufus Hotel Penthouse.

The suite is a wreck. Alcohol bottles, room service trolleys, broken TVs, exotic animals and various drug paraphernalia litter the room. Ted is lying on the bed wearing shades surround by nude models. He removes a cigarette from a packet.

Ted

Hendrix. Light!

A monkey wearing a fez bounds onto the bed and lights Ted’s cigarette.

Ted

Bill!

Bill

What,dude?

Ted

Where are you dude?

Bill

I’m cooking dude. What do you want?

Ted drags himself out of bed, wanders through the suite and opens the door to the next room. Inside is a meth lab and two people in Hazamat suits.

Ted

Hey dude. We’re supposed to be giving a speech to the United Nations in an hour.

Bill

I like totally forgot dude. Big John, can you finish up here?

The other person in the Hazmat suit nods his head. Bill and Ted leave the lab and Ted removes his suit.

Ted

Hey dude. I just have to use the bathroom first.

Ted tries to open the bathroom door but it’s locked.

Ted

Hey Bill, I can’t open the door.

Bill

Try forcing it,dude.

Ted runs at the door but it doesn’t open.

Ted

Hey Bill. Give me a hand dude.

Bill and Ted both run at the bathroom door and it bursts open. Inside is a naked man in the bathtub covered in blood with a bullet in his head.

Bill & Ted

Argh!

Ted

Wait. That’s big John.

Bill

That can’t be big John we just left him in the Meth La….

Bill and Ted turn around and see a figure in a Hazmat suit. He removes his helmet. It’s Bryan Cranston

Cranston

Nobody tries to muscle in on my turf.

Cranston pulls out two guns.

Bill & Ted

Bogus.

Cranston shoots Bill and Ted repeatedly and they slump to the floor. He removes his mobile phone and makes a call. Bill and Ted’s Telephone box time machine appears in the bathroom and Cranston steps into it.

Cranston

Wyld Stallions…

Bill and Ted are groaning in agony on the floor. Cranston shoots them again

Cranston

Ruled!

FIN

SCRIPT LEAK:BIG 2

Int: LA Courthouse

Susan Lawrence (Elizabeth Perkins) is consulting her defence lawyer. Opposite sits a young Josh Barkin with his parents. The prosecuting lawyer is talking to the jury.

Prosecutor

Ladies and gentleman of the jury. Susan Lawrence has spent a lot of time and a lot of money trying to convince you that she never had sexual relations with 12 year old Josh Barkin. She claims, in contrary to all the known laws of physics, that when she stole this young boy’s innocence, he was in fact a 30 year old man who had miraculously aged after making a wish on a fortune telling arcade attraction called ‘The Zoltar machine’. Susan Lawrence is a liar ladies and gentlemen, a liar and a pederast and through trickery and deceit she convinced this poor boy that her lies were real. She systematically brainwashed him into believing that he had magically changed into a mature adult in order to lure him into her bed. Josh will be in therapy for the rest of his natural life. The emotional scars he bares may never heal and putting Susan Lawrence behind bars will not aid Josh’s recovery, but it will ensure that this dangerous and despicable woman will no longer be a threat to our nation’s children. The prosecution rests your honour.

Judge

This seems to be fairly open and shut case. Has the Jury reached a verdict?

Head Juror

Yes your honor. We find the defendant guilty of all charges.

Judge

As I suspected. Okay, fine. Susan Lawrence I sentence you to 99 years without parole.

Susan

NOOOOOOOO!

Josh

I LOVE YOU SUSAN!. I’LL COME AND VISIT YOU WHEN I’M OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE!

Judge

The poor boy’s lost his mind. Take her away

FIN

SCRIPT LEAK: THE SECRETARY 2

Int: Office

The Secretary is on the floor on all floors with her hands tied behind her back and a blindfold over her eyes. Her boss is spanking her with his hand. After 20 seconds he stops and unlocks the cuffs

Secretary

What’s the matter?

Boss

Aren’t you bored of this?

Secretary

A little. We can try something different if you like?

Boss

Sure. What do you have in mind?

Secretary

How about the riding crop?

Boss

Didn’t we do that like, three times last week?

Secretary

True. Er… ball-gag and candle wax?

Boss

Dull

Secretary

The branding iron and barbed wire?

Boss

Double dull.

Secretary

Wait I’ve got it. You could strangle me with the telephone wire and just as I’m at the point of death you could insert a pair of hot tongs up my backside, clamp electrodes to my nipples and call my father and put him on speaker phone so he can hear my orgasmic screams of pain.

Boss

Mmm. I was thinking of something less complicated.

Secretary

Well unless we can get hold of a live python, A Nuns outfit and a crucifix. I’m out of ideas.

Boss

We could… You know.

Secretary

What?

Boss

No, forget it. It’s too extreme.

Secretary

Ooo. Now I’m intrigued. Go on say it.

Boss

Well I know it’s a strange request but, we could have sex.

Secretary

What? Oh you mean the hot tongs? I thought that was too complicated.

Boss

No. I mean, you know. My penis, your vagina. Getting together.

Secretary

You’re joking right. Tell me you’re joking.

Boss

Well. I just thought it would make a nice change.

The Secretary slaps the boss

Boss

What was that for?

Secretary

You’re a weird freak and I never want to see you again. I quit.

Boss

But…

The Secretary slams the door

FIN

SCRIPT LEAK:DEAD POETS SOCIETY 2

Int: An old mansion in the Lake District.

THE GHOSTS OF KEATS, BYRON, LARKIN,BETJEMAN AND OTHER ASSORTED DEAD POETS ARE SAT AROUND A TABLE IN A GRAND DINING HALL DRINKING AND CHATTING. BETJEMAN STANDS UP AND CLINKS A WINE GLASS.

Betjeman

Order, Order.

THE GHOSTS FALL SILENT

Betjeman

Thank you gentleman and welcome to the inaugural meeting of the Dead Poets Society. We all know why we’re gathered here today…

BYRON PUTS HIS HAND UP

Betjeman

Yes, Byron

Byron

Sorry but I was unfeasibly high on opium when you told me. Do you mind going over it again?

Betjeman

There’s no time for that I’m afraid. Keats will fill you in.

KEATS PUTS HIS HAND UP.

Betjeman

John?

Keats

I’m afraid I’d smoked rather too much hashish when we last spoke and I can’t quite recall the details.

Betjeman

Ok, fine. Is there anybody here who wasn’t smashed on drugs when I told them the plan?

NOBODY PUTS THEIR HANDS UP EXCEPT FOR LARKIN.

Larkin

Me, me!

Betjeman

Thank you Philip. I knew I could rely on you. Could you please tell these addled miscreants

why we are all here today.

Larkin

Sorry I can’t.

Betjeman

Why ever not?

Larkin

Well I was exceptionally drunk when you called and I haven’t the foggiest idea what you are talking out.

Betjeman

Oh for heaven’s sake. This really is intolerable. Right. If I go over it again do you all promise to focus on what I am saying?. If you do say aye.

Everyone

Aye!

Betjamin

And you also all agree to refrain from alcohol and narcotics until the plan is carried out?

Everyone

Aye!

Betjeman

Lovely. Ok. I’ve gathered you all here today because I think It’s time we…

CHARLES BUKOWSKI STUMBLES THROUGH THE DOOR DRUNK, SWIGGING FROM A BOTTLE OF JIM BEAM.

Betjeman

Mr Bukowski. How nice of you to join us.

Bukowski

F*ck off Betjeman. Hey fella’s. Johnny Wilmot is throwing a party next door and he’s got a f*ck load of drink and drugs. Anyone coming?

THE ROOM CLEARS IN A HURRY

Betjeman

Thanks for that Charlie.

Bukowski

(burp)

FIN

SCRIPT LEAK:WAYNE’S WORLD 3

Int: Wayne’s flat

A MISERABLE LOOKING, BEARDED WAYNE ENTERS HIS FLAT WEARING A HAIR NET AND A BLOOD STAINED APRON. HE HAS A TAG ON HIS APRON WHICH SAYS ‘MICK’S MEAT PACKING COMPANY’

HE TAKES OFF HIS HAIR NET AND APRON AND PUTS ON HIS USUAL CAP. HE GOES TO THE FREEZER, TAKES OUT A FROZEN PIZZA AND PUTS IT IN THE MICROWAVE. HE THEN OPENS THE CUPBOARD, REMOVES A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH AND TAKES A LARGE GLUG FROM THE BOTTLE.

(FADE TO BLACK)

Int: Wayne’s flat

WAYNE WAKES UP ON HIS SOFA. THE PIZZA IS ON A PLATE ON THE FLOOR HALF EATEN AND THE BOTTLE OF SCOTCH IS ALMOST EMPTY. HE PICKS UP THE BOTTLE AND FINISHES IT IN ONE GULP. THE DOOR BELL GOES AND WAYNE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE AND STUMBLES TOWARDS THE DOOR. IT’S GARTH WHO APPEARS TO HAVE UNDERGONE A SEX CHANGE OPERATION.

Wayne

Hi Debbie

Garth/Debbie

Hi Wayne

GARTH AND WAYNE WALK THROUGH THE LIVING ROOM INTO WAYNE’S BEDROOM

Int: Wayne’s Bedroom

THE BEDROOM IS MESSY. THERE IS A COMPUTER SET UP IN THE CORNER WITH TWO STOOLS, A GUITAR AND A SMALL ELECTRONIC DRUM KIT. WAYNE AND GARTH SIT DOWN.

Wayne

How many viewers did we get last week?

Garth/Debbie

Like, fifteen.

Wayne

No way!

Garth/Debbie

Way!

Wayne

Excellent!

WAYNE PUT’S OUT HIS CIGARETTE, OPENS A CAN OF BEER AND TAKES A LONG GLUG. HE THEN PICKS UP HIS GUITAR AND GARTH PICKS UP HIS DRUM STICKS.

Garth/Debbie

Are you ready?

Wayne

Ready.

Both (singing)

It’s Wayne’s World. Podcast. Party time. Excellent. Nur, nur, nur, nur.

SCRIPT LEAK:WHEN HARRY MET SALLY 2

Int: Diner

Harry and Sally are now 60 years old and are having lunch at their favourite diner. They sit opposite each other in complete silence for 5 minutes.

Harry

How’s your sandwich?

Sally

I want a divorce.

SCRIPT LEAK:THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION 2

Ext: Saywatanyo beach.

ANDY DUFRESNE HAS AGED 30 YEARS AND IS NOW BALDING WITH A LONG WHITE BEARD. HE’S STILL SANDING THE SAME BOAT HE WAS WORKING ON AT THE END OF THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION.

Andy

You were right Red. All it takes is patience and time.

ANDY PUTS DOWN THE SAND PAPER

Andy

There. Finished. What do you think?

THE CAMERA PANS TO A SKELETON HALF BURIED IN THE SAND HOLDING A SUITCASE AND WEARING RED’S SHIRT AND TIE.

Andy

Oh F*ck. And to think I was going to ask him to marry me.

ANDY PRODUCES A REVOLVER FROM HIS POCKET, PUTS IT IN HIS MOUTH AND PULLS THE TRIGGER.

SCRIPT LEAK:TITANIC 2

Ext: The Atlantic Ocean

THE CAMERA PANS ACROSS THE OCEAN AND COMES TO REST ON AN ICEBERG. IT THEN DIVES UNDERWATER UNTIL IT REACHES THE WRECK OF THE TITANIC. WHISPERS OF GHOSTS CAN BE HEARD AS WE SURVEY THE DECAYING REMNANTS OF THE SHIP AND ITS CONTENTS. WE MOVE TOWARDS AN OBJECT AND WE SEE IT IS THE SKELETON OF JACK. THE CAMERA PANS CLOSE TO HIS SKULL WHEN SUDDENLY, ITS MOUTH OPENS AND SCREAMS “ROSE!”

Int: Cabin on The Titanic II.

ROSE WAKES UP SCREAMING. IT WAS ALL A DREAM.

Ext: Titanic II

SHE GOES UP ON DECK IN HER DRESSING GOWN AND STARES WISTFULLY OUT TO SEA.

Rose

I miss you Jack. I’ve come to bring you home

ROSE TAKES THE ‘HEART OF THE OCEAN’ FROM AROUND HER NECK AND DROPS IT INTO THE SEA.

A WHIRLPOOL APPEARS AND THE TITANIC II ROCKS IN THE WATER. SUDDENLY A 100FT JACK DRESSED AS THE GOD POSEIDON EMERGES FROM THE WATER CARRYING THE TITANIC ON HIS SHOULDER.

Rose

No Jack, No!

JACK THROWS THE TITANIC INTO THE DISTANCE AND IS ABOUT TO SCOOP UP THE TITANIC 2.

Rose

Sorry Jack, but you leave me no choice!

ROSE DELVES INTO A BAG AND BRANDISHES THE HEAD OF MEDUSA. JACK SCREAMS IN AGONY AS HE IS TURNED TO STONE AND THEN CRUMBLES INTO THE SEA.

T.J. HOOKER: THE MOTION PICTURE GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – The eagerly awaited film version of T. J. Hooker has been green lit, with William Shatner attached to reprise the role of the plain clothes policeman who, on the death of his partner, returns to the beat as a uniformed sergeant.

The 83 year old Canadian actor – who came to fame playing Captain James T. Kirk in the space opera Star Trek – played Thomas Jefferson Hooker for a total of five seasons and some fans – who prefers to be called T.J. Prostitutes – rate his performance as Hooker as superior to his more famous role as the Master and Commander of the USS Enterprise.

‘Captain Kirk is Bill’s Hamlet,’ says Joy Saklbert. ‘T.J. is his King Lear.’

A scene from the film

Concerns have been expressed that the role of Hooker might be too athletic for the elderly actor, but director Gaspar Noè argues this is not the case. ‘The opening sequence where we see Hooker running full pelt toward the camera,’ he says. ‘We do that but Shatner will be on a Segue. In fact, he’ll be on a Segue for pretty much the whole film except when he has to go up the stairs and then he’ll be on a stair lift.’

T.J. Hooker: The Motion Picture will be released in 2016.

JACK REACHER: REVIEW

A fabulous opening sniper scene but nobody knows what film they are supposed to be in. Cruise thinks it’s Mission Impossible. Werner Herzog has come dressed as a bond villain and Rosamond Pike is channelling Barbara Windsor in Carry on Camping.

Cruise investigates a shooting. Pike shows some cleavage.

Cruise beats up some henchman. Pike shows some cleavage.

Cruise gets wrongly accused of murder. Pike ties tassels to her nipples and does a handstand with no knickers on.

Herzog’s mad Russian with a fondness for biting off fingers seems a little excessive when you discover he’s little more than a dubious estate agent. Robert Duvall plays the same grizzled sidekick role as he has for the last ten years to pay for his HBO subscription.

By the end you don’t really care what the bad guys’ motive was which is lucky because McQuarrie forgets to tell you. Tiny Tom might be miscast but it’s the script that needs a wooden box to stand on and as it was co-written by the original author Lee Child, foaming fan boys should be posting dog turds through his letter box rather than Cruise’s.