DIRTY GRANDPA NOT AS GOOD AS RAGING BULL

HOLLYWOOD – The internet was shocked today to learn that Robert de Niro’s new film Dirty Grandpa is ‘not as good as Raging Bull.’

Film critics have almost unanimously asserted that the comedy starring Robert de Niro and Zac Efron – Dirty Grandpa – is not as good as Raging Bull.

Xavier Poulis of the World Film Critics Association was not alone in expressing his disappointment.

It’s really galling. Every time we go to a new Robert de Niro film we think this time it’s going to be great. This one is going to be the one that really knocks it out of the park, but it’s not even nearly as good as Raging Bull. It’s almost as if it’s terrible. I don’t know how this has happened.

Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Deadline, The New Yorker, The New York Times, The LA Times, Slash Film and the UK Guardian all took the unprecedented step of issuing a joint statement.

Robert de Niro’s film Dirty Grandpa is not as good as Raging Bull, this much is clear. But what the public should know before they go and see this picture, is that it is not as good as The Deer Hunter either, nor The Godfather Part 2, nor Once Upon a Time in America, nor The King of Comedy, nor Goodfellas, nor Casino. It isn’t even as good as Cape Fear, We’re No Angels and Midnight Run. It’s not as good as Angel Heart or A Bronx Tale. So by all means go and see it, but don’t expect to see anything like what Mr. De Niro has provided in the past. Except perhaps Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers etc.

Strangely, DirtyGrandpa has been hailed in France as Robert De Niro’s best film ever because of ‘post-modernism’.

Bad Grandpa is out now.

JAMES WOODS LOSES FORTUNE IN CERAMICS

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood actor James Woods admitted today he had lost his entire fortune in a misguided investment in ceramic action figures.

The Videodrome actor admitted he had been misled by his business associates:

They told me that the technology was very advanced and the action figures wouldn’t break. Donnie and Vincent Beacon told me the figures would be suitable for all ages as well as be worth a lot of money potentially as collectibles with time. We made Pacific Rim action figures, X-Men and the characters from all the Steven Soderbergh films, in particular Behind the Candelabra and Haywire. Unfortunately, the Beacon brothers had strung me along with a lot of false information and the figures broke extremely easily into very sharp pieces. In fact they crumbled. In some cases children were badly injured both when the figures broke like shrapnel and when subsequently some of the children ingested fragments, tempted by the fact we had perhaps unwisely flavoured them strawberry.

When asked about the extent of his financial losses, the Once Upon a Time in America star broke down in tears and moaned like an animal:

They wiped me out. Those bastards. I poured everything in. Even what I got from Salvador and I never got much from that. But still. Now I don’t have a pot to piss in. The house is gone, my cars, my collection of vintage hats. I asked them again and again, I told them Pacific Rim action figures in ceramics? Are you sure? They said yeah. Those little motherf*ckers blew up in my face. There was the money I lost and then on top of that there have been a series of law suits, all of which we have lost.

Anyone who wishes to help James Woods, if you have a room, a small job to do, gardening whatever, please contact us at studioexec1@gmail.com

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ROBERT DE NIRO (PART TWO)

HOLLYWOOD – Robert De Niro is so especially fantastic that in order to celebrate his 70th birthday 5 FACTS didn’t seem enough.

So before you can say ‘Are you talking to me?’ here are 5 more FACTS about Uncle Bobby. 

1. No one has ever seen Jack Knife, except you.

2. In The Deer Hunter, De Niro was actually supposed to be hunting boar but shot a deer by accident. Michael Cimino changed the title of the film and used the footage.

3. When filming Angel Heart De Niro got very jealous of young actor Mickey Rourke and so when Rourke asked him for advice De Niro told him to take up boxing and plastic surgery. 

4. To play Noodles, the Jewish gangster in Once Upon a Time in America, De Niro got his little fellow clipped. Director Sergio Leone found it hilarious and shot a scene of De Niro’s circumcised penis but unfortunately and ironically that scene also had to be cut.

5. Taxi Driver is often cited as Robert De Niro’s most autobiographical film. De Niro was a taxi driver when he was looking for a break as a young man. He also rescued a prostitute from gangsters and shot them up, becoming a local hero. Paul Schrader – the script writer – denies any knowledge of this and said he was freaked out by the coincidence, so much so that he hasn’t written another film since.   

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!