LONDON – A furious and obviously upset Patrick Stewart today disowned his daughter Kristen Stewart, following her scandalous behavior.

“She is not my daughter,” he said, emphatically and harshly; if understandably.

Everyone on the planet has been united in disgust at the slatternly behavior the Kristen Stewart used in tempting Rupert Sanders, who is but flesh and blood – away from the holy sanctity of marital bliss. Now her father Patrick Stewart has added his voice of condemnation. We caught Xavier Picard (as he prefers to be known) coming out of the Dury Lane theater and asked him for his opinion on his daughter’s behavior, “You mean Sophia, what about Sophia?”

“No, we mean Kristen Stewart?”

“She’s not my daughter!” he said, the fateful words that rang like a knell on the filial relationship. He laughed, probably to hide the pain. “Where on Earth did you get that notion?”

“So you are publicly disowning her?”

“She’s not my daughter,” Stewart said, hiding the tears. “We just have the same surname. It’s quite a common surname.”

But we continued to question him about how disgusted he must have felt about the news until he got quite angry and shouted, “She is not my daughter!” before jumping into a famous London black taxi and fleeing the scene of his public agony.

Twilight: the Next Generation is due out in 2017.


A bong, animal crackers, pomegranate juice

I meet Kristen Stewart in the midst of the publicity tour for her new and final Twilight film: Breaking Dawn Part Two. ‘It’s like Godfather Part Two,’ she tells me. ‘But you know, not that good.’

Away from the media glare, Kirsten is an unassuming kindhearted young women who spends most of her time freeing squirrels from man traps and just gazing off into space thinking about Africa and stuff.
‘I’d like to go there and be like a good will ambassador and look at stuff cause you know, the way the stuff is there is oh I don’t know, wrong I want to say?’
I ask is she relieved that her role as Bella is coming to an end.
‘Oh definitely. This has been a huge adventure for my and stuff and I’m really grateful because it’s been an opportunity to meet some great people and to get myself out there and seen, but now I’m definitely ready to do some serious shit like I did with On the Road which has no Vampires in it at all – not one – cos I read the script and I suppose when it comes time to decide what I want to do next… what was the question?’
Of course I have to ask her about the kerfuffle surrounding her role in Snow White and the Hunstmen and her affair with the director.
‘Okay, right, you’re interested in that right. Well, what about I have a question for you? Okay? So, why don’t you ask Milla Jovovich about sleeping with Paul Thomas Anderson? Huh? Or why not ask Helena Bonham Carter about sleeping with Tim Burton? Why pick on me?’
It’s a fair point. And we celebrate by ripping another bong and Kristen tells me how the atoms in our right hand probably come from a different exploding star to the atoms in our left hand and that as star dust there’s like an amazing drift of … I’m sorry what was the question?  


Joy Division’s lead singer meets up with Tron’s chum who’s in-between a Virgin Suicide and a young nympho vampire. They go ‘On the Road’ where they meet Aragorn and Nucky from Broadwalk Empire and they go on the road and on the road and on the road until Kerouac looks remarkably similar to John ‘Boy’ Walton.

Francis Ford Coppola should be told that when there’s a project that takes decades to bring to fruition there might be a reason it ain’t going smoothly. Walter Salles makes a good fist of it but the film is handsome like an advert for Heineken and Kerouac’s beats come off as irrelevant at best and fucking annoying at worst. Leave aside the homophobia (at least that bit is true to the book), the fact is On the Road has already been made in a thousand songs, novels, Levi’s adverts and Easy Rider.