SPIKE LEE TO REMAKE ENTER THE DRAGON

BROOKLYN – Maverick director Spike Lee confirmed this week he will be remaking classic Kung Fu pic Enter the Dragon.

Following the 2013 Oldboy remake starring Josh Brolin, Spike Lee is to make Enter the Dragon.

Spike cordially told the Studio Exec:

I’ve had a taste of Far East cinematic cuisine and just like the actual cuisine of the Far East, it has left me hungry for more. Now I have a real grasp of the action dynamics and this time I will be going full out.

The new Enter the Dragon will star Ken Jeong of The Hangover ‘fame’ in the role made famous by Bruce Lee, Lee, a martial artist who agrees to participate in a tournament the better to spy on the doings of an evil crime lord. Billy Bob Thornton will play Roper, the American who aids Lee, a role originally played by cult movie legend John Saxon in the 1973 original.

In his usual laid back style, Spike Lee confided in Studio Exec:

The idea originally came from Bob Weinstein. He said ‘Your name is Lee. And Bruce Lee’s name is Lee! It’s meant to be.’ I was bowled over. I said, ‘Bob, the way you put things together is visionary.’  Also, everyone agreed that my Oldboy was so much better than Chan-wook Park’s frankly infantile effort. So then it occurred to me that although Enter the Dragon has this cult status, it isn’t really a very good film and it has almost no comedy routines. Ken Yeong will change that and I’ll direct the hell of it.

Enter the Dragon: A Spike Lee Joint will be released in 2018.

SPIKE LEE’S OLDBOY TO BE ERASED FROM EXISTENCE

HOLLYWOOD – In a landmark move the American Film Institute and the Motion Picture Association of America have agreed to join forces to eradicate Spike Lee’s Oldboy remake from the annals of history.

“For the past year it has been our strict policy not to mention the film Oldboy”, said project leader Chuck Storm:

When we have been forced to confront the issue it is commonly referred to as ‘The Stain’ but there are those, including myself, that prefer to call it ‘The Aberration’. We’ve managed to expunge it’s existence from our own records and ensure it cannot be legally distributed but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. We need the public to come forward and hand in any hard copies they might have accidentally bought, either during a fit of madness or for a drunken bet. We promise to maintain your anonymity and we’ll even give you a copy of the exceptional Korean original in exchange.

So far the plan has been warmly received. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone tweeted “Finally we have a scorched Oldboy policy” and British Film Critic Mark Kermode wrote in The Guardian newspaper “Technically it’s a bad day for freedom of expression but it’s a bloody marvellous day for quality control”. However a few media outlets have accused the project of censorship at best and at worst, Nazism:

“Yeah, we’ve been called Nazis”,  said Storm:

But the truth is Hitler would have been a big fan of the ‘Aberration’. He loved the idea of taking something beautiful and experimenting on it for no apparent reason until what was great about the original is gone and all you have left is an ugly dead midget with six legs and essentially that’s what Lee’s film is. It’s an ugly, dead midget with six legs.

Oldboy will soon not be available to buy anywhere, forever.

SPIKE LEE: LEGO MOVIE RACIST

NEW YORK – Oldboy director Spike Lee has lashed out at the new box office sensation and critical darling Phil Lord and Christopher Miller’s The Lego Movie, claiming that it’s ‘racist, or something’.

In a seventeen minute rant, the veteran director of Inside Man, repeatedly claimed the film ‘had not been directed by me and therefore could not be thought of in any way good.’  

These guys, I mean who are they? Lego are Danish, right? And Danes were like blond haired and blue eyed and who else were blond haired and blue eyed? That’s right Nazis! The Lego Movie is actually a remake of Triumph of the Will.

The audience at the 3.45 showing of The Lego Movie at first seemed bemused by the famous motormouth’s unannounced introduction to the film. One witness, Timmy (aged 7) said:

The scary man was shouting and raving about how his film was neglected while we all wanted to see films about toys and didn’t watch serious drama. He asked me why I hadn’t been to see Oldboy and when I told him it was because I felt it was redundant having already seen the Chan Wook Park original, he got real mad.   

After a while, witnesses said that Mr. Lee apparently ran out of steam and collapsed into his chair and the film was able to resume. Some said they heard the director sobbing quietly.

The Sweet Blood of Jesus will be released in 2016.