STEVEN SODERBERGH RETIRES FROM FILM MAKING FOREVER (AGAIN)

HOLLYWOOD – Lucky Logan director Steven Soderbergh has retired from film making forever again.

Speaking to the Studio Exec, Ocean’s 11 director Steven Soderbergh once more quits directing feature films for good. In an EXCLUSIVE interview, he said:

I’ve had it (again). I want to write novels, or paint or something. I hear curved stitching is very therapeutic.

What’s curved stitching?

It’s when you create lovely patterns with thread through a canvas via holes or pins or something. I don’t actually know, but it’s meant to be great.

Why have you quit again?

I don’t know. It’s just something I like doing every three years or so. I quit and give a bunch of interviews. Then I do TV. Like The Knick. Then I do movies, but for TV like Behind the Candelabra. Then I go back to doing movies. And then I quit.

Aren’t you worried people will get bored?

People like to have a break from me now and then. They think I’m great when I make Ocean’s 11, then I make Ocean’s 12 and 13. They like Solaris then I go Haywire, literally. You’ll see.  A little break from me as I quit forever, never to return, no not ever. And I’ll be back in six months with a new movie. But for now, I’ll never make another movie ever again.

Steven Soderbergh’s Curved Stitching will be released in 2018.

OCEAN’S EIGHT RUINS MAN’S EARLY MIDDLE AGE

ALASKA – The new female led Oceans film – Ocean’s Eight – has ruined a man’s early middle age, it was revealed today.

The 2017 remake of the 2001 remake of the 1960 Frank Sinatra relatively uninspired rat pack movie Ocean’s Eight will star Sandra Bullock in the Danny Ocean role as well as Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter and Mindy Kalin. Joining the cast will possibly be Rihanna and Anne Hathaway. However, the news has been greeted with despair by some fans of the original remake.

Richard LeComte Mets fan and theatre critic told the Studio Exec:

I was forty three when the original film came out. I remember queuing to see it with my first wife. We both like George Clooney and Brad Pitt for obviously different reasons. And we thought of Matt Damon as that promising young actor from Good Will Hunting and not the monster he has become. So the impact on my middle age can’t be overstated. It was vitally important in making me the man I would become a decade and a half later. And to have that film ruined again. After it was already ruined by Ocean’s 12 and 13 is just more than I can bear. I mean… women. What’s gotten into them?

Ocean’s Eight will be in cinemas in 2017.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT MATT DAMON

HOLLYWOOD – The Facts about Matt Damon have long been hidden from public view, but the Studio Exec knows no fear, except for fear itself and litigation and so on we go with Good Will FACT Hunting if you will, which you probably won’t.

Matt Damon FACT attack alert:

  1. Matt Damon is NOT gay. Though frankly who gives a flying fish from a soul elevating Ang Lee film? That’s right not us buddy. Nor he. Tired of having to field rumors, he finally admitted that he wasn’t gay even though he said that he had too much respect for gay pals to deny it as if it was an accusation. Hats off Mr Damon. A class act.
  2. Damon is an inveterate gambler since his time working on the film Rounders. In fact his appearance in  Oceans 11, 12 and 13 were due to him losing a series of bets with George Clooney. His appearance in Saving Private Ryan ironically was a result of Steven Spielberg losing a bet with Ted Danson.
  3. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon famously wrote the screenplay for Good Will Hunting as a calling card for themselves as actors, although (as they later admitted) Damon did most of the writing, while Affleck did the ‘coloring in’.
  4. During the audition for The Bourne Identity Doug Liman was genuinely amazed by Damon’s method, turning up entirely unaware of what role he was auditioning for and actually trying to order a pastrami sandwich. Later Damon admitted he had mistaken the audition room for a Subway outlet due to the LSD he had dropped and had no idea what Bourne was until he attended the premiere.
  5. Matt Damon’s new films include Elysium, a Science Fiction drama featuring that Jodie Foster and Suggs a biopic of the lead singer of British reggae group Madness. He is currently in negotiations to buy Norway, because ‘it’s be kinda cool to have a country’. 

For more FACTS click HERE.

STEVEN SODERBERGH DOESN’T EXIST

HOLLYWOOD – In a stunning revelation today, it was finally admitted that the director and film maker Steven Soderbergh doesn’t actually exist.

The name ‘Steven Soderbergh’ was created by the Director’s Guild of America so that directors who were for some reason dissatisfied with the final film could remove their own name from the credits.

DGA spokesperson Sean Hannity said:

We had been using Alan Smithee but that was becoming too well known and they even made a film called An Alan Smithee Film, so we retired Alan and welcomed Steve to the job. 

The first film to feature the Soderbergh Identity – as it became known in the business – was veteran director Woody Allen. His Sex, Lies and Videotape had been an attempt to attract the youth market but when watching it he commented, ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just full of these fools jabbering on and it was crazy. No one’s going to go for this. So the DGA said we have this new name and I said be my guest. But then it won at Sundance! So the egg was on my face.’

Following the surprise success of what Allen had dubbed Footloose without the songs, actor Tonka Marshall was hired to play the director in order to pick up the award and do the interviews as Soderbergh.

Tonka told the Studio Exec:  

I’d been Ronald McDonald for like three years and I was sick of it so when this gig came up I thought sure why not. It was only supposed to be a one off thing because of Sundance, but then the films people were using the name for kept being surprise successes and they wouldn’t let me go. I even grew a beard but they found me and took me back to the compound. 

Tonka goes solo

The Quentin Tarantino directed Out of Sight was followed by the Coen Brothers hugely disappointing Oceans 11.

‘Terrence Malick was the guy who used the name the most,’ says Hannity. ‘He did the Che films, Erin Brokovich, Contagion and Magic Mike, which was originally called To the Enormous Wonder of Magic Mike’s Tree of Life. Paul Greengrass used the name for his piss poor Bourne spin-off Haywire.’ 

Tonka continues:

It all became a bit much and a few years ago I decided to retire, I would really like t o write a novel, but they decided that they would still use me, like when that awful Clive Owen show The Knick came out, but it is really only on a part time basis.

Tonka Marshall’s I was Steven Soderbergh is now available from all good book shops.

NOT MAKING FILMS: THE STEVEN SODERBERGH DIARIES 6

HOLLYWOOD – Being the sixth instalment of Not Making Films by Steven Soderbergh, we give an intimate window into the life of one of cinema’s most beguiling unemployed talents: Steven Soderbergh.

Continue reading “NOT MAKING FILMS: THE STEVEN SODERBERGH DIARIES 6”

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 14: STEVEN SODERBERGH

Rice Krispies, Coco-pops, Cornflakes, Shredded Wheat, Weet-a-bix, porridge, orange juice, cranberry juice, tomato juice, all in unsatisfyingly small portions

Steven Soderbergh looks exhausted. He answers the door in his robe and he’s the ghost of the man I met all those years ago at Sundance, the bright young thing who had just made Sex, Lies and Videotapes. ‘I have some dreadful news,’ he opens before I’ve chosen my weapon from the mini-bar of breakfast cereal he’s arranged from me.
‘Oh, God! Ocean’s 14?’ I ask, trying to keep the terror from my voice.

‘No,’ said Soderbergh. ‘I’m retiring. I’m done. Side Effects will be my last film.’ 
‘Oh what a relief!’
‘What?’
‘I mean that’s terrible.’
‘Yes, it is terrible.’
I munch my coco-pops. ‘It’s like when you retired before Contagion and then again after Out of Sight. What was your favourite retirement?’
‘Probably right after Kafka… No, wait, what do you mean? I’ve never retired before this is the … what are you implying?’
‘No you’re right, this is very sad,’ I make a start on the Rice Krispies. ‘Why are you retiring this time… I mean, now?’
‘The lack of respect for directors is the main reason,’ says Soderbergh.
I hold up a finger so I can hear the snap, crackle and pop. ‘Go on,’ I tell him.
‘Yes, the … er … respect for directors, it just isn’t there any more. When I was making Haywire there were so many people trying to second guess me, like did I want someone who could actually act in the lead? they’d say. As if that was an accident. I mean they were right but still it hurt my feelings. It was The Girlfriend Experience all over again. Other people said I should have put some jokes in The Informant! and Full Frontal, you know, to let the audience know they were comedies.’
‘I see.’ I munch meditatively. ‘So that’s it? You’re out?’
‘Definitely. And it’s such a pity because I had so many projects lined up. Benico was on board for Che Part 3: The T-Shirt and of course I don’t feel I’ve got right to the bottom of the Danny Ocean saga. Maybe I could be persuaded if the terms were right…’
‘No, Steve I think you’ve done the right thing.’
I’m backing toward the door now.
‘If I was deified or a city was named after me … I’ve always wanted to make a porn film in which all the actors were really ugly, and me and Clooney have been talking about remaking Tarkovsky’s Stalker. Making it zippy though.’
‘No, that’s it Steve. Retirement. I got it. Bye.’
He’s running after me down the street, the robe flapping. ‘Wait, wait, I’ve changed my mind.’

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.