HOLLYWOOD – Following his purchase of Liechtenstein (CLICK HERE for more), Oblivion and Jack Reacher star Tom Cruise has bought the whole of Eastern Europe for the staggering price of $3 million dollars.

A deal was reached on Friday and Tom Cruise is expected to move in later this week, although a source close to the star says Tom would first like to do some renovations and perhaps paint.

Many have criticized the Rain Man – as he prefers to be called even though technically Dustin Hoffman… well it doesn’t matter – for an extravagant disregard for other people and the sovereignty of nations. Angela Merkel – the German Chancellor – said that this was not the solution to Europe’s problems.

We’re doing very well at the moment and we don’t need another charismatic little man bossing everyone around. After all, well, you know.

Europe watcher and property expert Willem Dafoe complemented his fellow actor on his astute purchase:

Tom moved in at exactly the right time. The market is at an all time low, basically it’s a fire sale. And to pick up all these countries – Hungary, the Baltic states, Ukraine, Slovakia etc – for such a price is a canny steal. 

What will he do with it?

Oh, he’ll flip it. He’ll do some quick work. Spruce it up and then sell it on and make a big profit.

Others, however, argue that Cruise has his eye on world domination. Already Scientology has been made the state religion throughout Liechtenstein and eastern Europe and new regulations have muzzled the freedom of the press, forcing them to say that Jack Reacher was exciting and Oblivion profound.


LOS ANGELES – Star of Eyes Wide Shut and Cocktail, diminutive Scientologist and actor Tom Cruise recently wowed fans and amazed reporters by turning into a pillar of fire.

The transformation took place during the Hollywood premiere of his new film Oblivion. Accompanied by co-stars Morgan Freeman and Andrea Riseborough, Cruise appeared looking smart and refreshed in a grey polo neck and jacket. He was signing autographs and posing for photographers when he turned into the pillar of fire and levitated above the red carpet for several minutes before returning to his human form, leaving a burnt brown track mark on the carpet.

‘The fire was pumpkin orange and reached up to my waist,’ one astonished onlooker told the Hollywood Reporter, who for reasons of corporate cowardice decided not to report the story. Joseph Kosinski told the Studio Exec exclusively that his star had been practicing the effect for days:

Shortly beforehand

Tom is a very private man, so I’m not sure how much his turning into a pillar of fire has to do with Scientology, but I am sure that he is 100% committed and sincere about everything he does, including our film, which despite the efforts of assholes like you is still making a lot of money.

 However, some of Cruise’s critics including the president of the Anti-Tom Cruise Guild (AKA Cruise Control), Peter Sand said:

To call it a pillar would be a gross exaggeration. It was a coffee table of fire. And he managed to sustain that pitiful display for literally six minutes, not the several minutes some places have reported. 

Oblivion is a film. Read our review HERE.


OBLIVION: REVIEW – There are starving children in the world.

Families living below the poverty line not knowing where their next Happy Meal is coming from.
The 120 million dollars it cost to make Oblivion could have been spent on vaccinating an entire African country against malaria or buying everyone in Cyprus a copy of Wall Street on DVD.
Joseph Kosinski and Universal decided to spend the cash on a giant, festering turd.
Some of you will undoubtedly crave explanation and in depth analysis of why the movie is so excremental but I’m not going to do that. I want to forget I ever ventured into the theatre and spent two precious hours of my life baring witness to the abomination.
The best I can do is to implore you not to see it. Don’t even spend another second of your life thinking about it. If you were all geared up to spend cash on a ticket, then why not use that money to do a bit of good. Save a whale, adopt a leper. Pop a $10 note in the cap of that one armed busker who plays a fiddle with his teeth on the subway. Better to spend your hard earned cash on the chance of a fluffy cloud in heaven, than on an ass numbing seat in the bubbling bowels of cinematic hell.