BREAKING NEWS: Following up on the runaway success of the Obi Wan-Kenobi series, Disney+ have announced Star Wars: Death Star Janitors will premiere on the streaming service this November. The reality show will follow a team of hopeful cleaners competing to earn a much coveted job on the genocidal space station. The Exec caught up with Kathleen Kennedy to talk about the high concept reality show.
Kathleen, Where Did You Get The Idea For Star Wars: Death Star Janitors?
Honestly? It was the only idea we hadn’t made from the Disney+ Canteen Suggestions Box. We’re getting kinda desperate now. Can you tell? I know I have more money than anyone else in the world that isn’t responsible for war crimes, but at what cost? I remember the good old days when I would hang out with George. We weren’t greedy; we only had a couple of billion dollars between us. It was a simpler time. We were happier back then.
Has This Work Left You Feeling Unfulfilled?
In a way, it has. I mean, yeah sure, I have my own island where I rule the population like a malignant, petulant god. But that’s only fun for some of the time. I wanted to make films that were important, that had something truly meaningful to say. Something like Taken or Taken 2.
What Do Those Films Have To Say That’s Important?
I dunno. Get off my kids? Foreigners are dangerous and frightening? Who do you think I am? I produce Star Wars shit, I aint no philosopher.
Tell Us About This New Reality Show.
There’s not much to tell. It takes place during the build up to and behind the scenes of Episode IV: A New Hope. That film is going on in the background and the contestant’s task is to clear up after all the mess the escaping rebels make. Think of it as Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead crossed with Big Brother.
You Really Have Given Up, Haven’t You?
Star Wars: Death Star Janitors Premieres On Disney+ This Coming November
HOLLYWOOD – Following shocking reports of Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Moses Ingram being bombarded with racist abuse, fans of the franchise insisted Star Wars fandom is not racist. We spoke to a source within the Star Wars fandom community, who for some reason, wanted to remain anonymous.
Can You Explain Why Star Wars Fandom Isn’t Racist? Because It Kind OF Seems That Way From The Outside.
I want this to be anonymous. Is my face blacked out? Oh, actually I don’t mean blacked. I mean… oh Christ! And, and not just Christ, Allah also. And the Jewish one, but that might be Christ also. He was king of the jews, wasn’t he? Is there an atheist equivalent? Dawkins, Stephen Fry or Carl Sagan? Oh shit. What was the question again?
This Is A Written Interview, Nobody Will See Your Face.
Thank goodness for that. I can’t say too much. I’m risking everything just talking to you.
Why Is That?
Why?! Some of those guys, because let’s face it, they’re gonna be guys, are fucking crazy man. As long we’re all hating the same things they hate, everything is sweet. But as soon as you differ a parsec from what they love or hate (there’s no in-between), they will hunt you down to the farthest reaches of the outer rim. And by that I mean Facebook.
To Be Honest, It Doesn’t Sound Like A Very Friendly Community.
You know, it used to be great. We’d all rank our favorite bounty hunters or talk about how to pronounce Gamorrean. But then, the prequels came out and Jar-Jar happened. That’s when things got ugly. I blame Jar-Jar. But we all eventually got over that and we had a new trilogy to look forward to. And in the trailer, they gave us that shot of John Boyega. And then Kelly Marie Tran happened.
Sounds To Me Like You Have A Problem With People Of Color And Women Who Aren’t White?
Yeah? Well, think what you want buddy. But I know we can all agree that Darth Vader is cool as fuck… and white.
You Do Know James Earl Jones Is Black, Don’t You?
Get Out Of Here You Racist Piece Of Shit.
Obi-Wan Kenobi Is Currently Streaming On Disney+
BREAKING NEWS – A new study from MIT has been published that confirms there is more Star Wars content available than there are grains of sand on the planet. With the release of the final episode of The Book Of Boba Fett, there is now more Star Wars content than anyone who is gainfully employed, could ever watch.
More Star Wars Content? You salivating Womp Rats.
The MIT study that has been recently published had to engage a new counting super-computer to calculate both grains of sand and available content. The machine, given the pet name Count Dooku took three weeks to calculate how much of the franchise is available. It then took a fraction of the time to calculate how many grains of sand there are on the planet.
Ass Hole Interviewers
There have also been several reports of ass hole job interviewers now asking how much Star Wars content is there rather than asking how many windows are in that sky-scraper. The question now stumps even the most die-hard fans of the franchise. Sci-fi experts are now no longer able to keep up with Star Wars releases. It is thought there may be another super-computer involved at Disney.
Rumors There Are. Algorithms Have They.
Many ex-Disney employees advise the franchise is now being written by an algorithm, rather than employing writers. The machine is codenamed Kamino, the cloning planet that features in Episode II, Attack Of The Clones. It churns out new show and movie scripts along with rehashed Star Wars content faster than any writing team ever could achieve.
Disney Denies Assembly-Line Writing
A Disney spokesperson advised, ‘This is just nonsense. We at Disney Incorporated (all rights reserved) emphatically deny these allegations of mechanized writing. Hang on, we are proud to announce Obi-Wan, a new TV series streaming on Disney+ shortly. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. We deny any mechanized or factory writing is taking place. Wait a minute… We are proud to announce Sith: The Chronicles Of Darth Maul. It’s a new show that will stream… Wait a second… we are proud to announce Ewoks Ahoy! The new TV show that will stream on Disney+.’
Star Wars Content Is Churned Out Every Day On Disney+… But You Knew That Already.