OBAMA RESPONDS TO JON VOIGHT

HOLLYWOOD – President Barack Obama has responded to Oscar winning actor Jon Voight who attacked him earlier this week on Fox News show Huckabee. Voight read a statement criticizing the President on Iraq, Benghazi and immigration, as well as tearing up about the next generation and bringing back America. 

The White House issued the following statement on behalf of the President:

I respect Mr. Jon Voight for his wonderful performances in Deliverance and Midnight Cowboy, and I absolutely defend his right to express his criticism of my administration. However, let me say this. I have also seen Ray Donovan and that I didn’t like so much. I’m not a TV critic but it seemed to me sub-par. Now Mr. Voight brought up some very important questions about our relationship with Israel, but I have to say his appearance on Lara Croft, Mission Impossible, Transformers and Pearl Harbor have all been one note and frankly forgettable. So yes Jon, let’s open a dialogue about immigration, but let’s also remember that you voiced one of the main characters of Bratz: the Movie and that, my friend, is what history will remember.

Jon Voight was unavailable for comment.

JON FAVREAU DENIES WRITING SPEECHES FOR OBAMA

HOLLYWOOD – Iron Man and Cowboys and Aliens director, Jon Favreau has angrily denied that he has been writing speeches for President Barack Obama and is in fact a member of the White House staff.

‘No,’ he shouted down the phone EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec. ‘That’s another guy with the same name.’

Undeterred by such a denial, we asked Harrison Ford if he believed that the flop of Cowboys and Aliens might have been partly due to the director being distracted by having to pen State of the Union drafts and addresses to the United Nations. 

‘It might have had something to do with it,’ said a sleepy sounding Indiana Jones. ‘Was he really doing that?’

Robert Downey Jr. or someone who looked very like Robert Downey Jr. told us:

Jon was constantly on his Blackberry and the only other person who owns a Blackberry in Northern America is the President. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

Yesterday, Fox News told us over the phone that this could be bigger than Benghazi, but ‘not geographically’ they added helpfully. Jon Favreau meanwhile is working on the long awaited sequel to Cowboys and Aliens.

Cowboys and Pirates will be released in 2015 and President Obama will be addressing the Affordable Care Act later this week. 
  

OBAMA PROMISES METEOR HIT
















WASHINGTON – The 44th President of the United States Barack H. Obama promised during his second inauguration that more work would be done to place the Earth in the path of an asteroid.
‘I recognize many thought my first term timid in avoiding a collision with a space rock the size of Kansas,’ said President Obama. ‘But I promise  you, Robert Duvall and Bruce Willis are ready to join forces and NASA is currently rushing to identify an asteroid that would put us in danger and give us all a new sense of perspective about how petty our squabbles are when faced with immediate irrevocable extinction.’


The GOP were quick to respond, criticizing the President for playing what they called the ‘Morgan Freeman card.’ John Boehner said, ‘What we need is someone more like Stanley Anderson or perhaps Dennis Quaid. And instead of an asteroid, perhaps a giant blob or dinosaurs escaped from one of Spielberg’s camps.’

Others accused the President however of not being radical enough. ‘He says he wants to be on a collision course,’ said Sean Penn. ‘But then he is also willing to bring out the cowboys to save the day. They would then destroy the asteroid probably with nuclear weapons, causing great environmental damage to the asteroid.’ 

DR DOOM DESTROYS HOLLYWOOD

HOLLYWOOD – America was shocked this morning after super villain Dr Doom destroyed Hollywood in an outrageous dawn attack.

Doom is thought to have used a device of alien origin, possibly the infinity gauntlet, to lay the town to waste and emergency services have been working through the night to put out the fires and tend to the wounded.
 
In the last hour President Barack Obama has given a press conference condemning Doom’s aggression as an “Act of War” and has ordered his military forces to increase their defence readiness to DEFCON 1.
 
The president also confirmed that he had received a letter from Doom a week before which gave a clear indication of his motive and intent. The letter was distributed to all major media outlets and below is an unedited copy of the original document.
 
Dear Barack
 
Thanks for the hamper you sent me at Christmas. I must admit I’ve never been much of a fan of loganberries but the muffins Michelle made were particularly good.
 
I’m writing to you today because I have just seen the Academy award nominations and quite frankly, I’m disgusted.
 
No best picture nomination for The Master, no best supporting nomination for Leo DiCaprio’s terrific turn in Django Unchained. I know the Oscars has dropped a few clangers in it’s time (Goodfellas) and I can usually turn a blind eye; but when I heard ARGO had got the nod for best picture I felt I had no choice but to express my disapproval.
 
I know you don’t really get involved in such matters but if you could ask the Academy to swap ARGO for The Master and Alan Arkin for DiCaprio it would be much appreciated.
 
That’s all for now. I’m looking forward to seeing you, Michelle and the kids in Martha’s Vineyard this summer.
 
Sincerely
 
Dr Doom
P.S Oh. Just to let you know that if it’s not possible to make those changes I requested I’m going to destroy Hollywood. I know, I know it’s a little bit dramatic but I am a super villain. Apologies in advance for any inconvenience this might cause you.
 
When asked why he didn’t take the letter seriously the President said he assumed Doom was “joking” and that he’d “pulled a similar stunt when they were in college together”.
 

We’ll bring you more news on the situation, when we get it.