5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HELEN MIRREN

HOLLYWOOD – Who knows who Helen Mirren actually is? No one that’s who.

Here comes another storm of fact blizzards, freezing the wavering of doubt and making snowmen of the falsehood and gossip buckets of Hollywood. Dame Helen Mirren, fact off!

  1. While making the revolutionary film O Lucky Man with Malcolm McDowell, Dame Mirren accidentally hit her leading man so hard in the testicles one of them popped into his head and he has had to use it as an eye ever since.  
  2. Dame Mirren openly criticised the Tinto Brass film Caligula because it wasn’t sexy or violent enough, even though many criticised it for the hardcore pornography and sadism in the film. ‘They’re all namby-pamby,’ said Dame Mirren. ‘What’s wrong with a bit of old murder and randy doings?’
  3. Helen Mirren’s real name is Helen Lydia Constantinople Mironoff. Her mother was English but her father was a famous Russian trapeze anarchist whose speciality was throwing bombs into the audience as he swung above their heads. His career came to the end when he decided that safety nets and trapezes were actually ideological constraints to artistic expression and plunged to his death on the next performance. 
  4. Despite her fame in the television drama Prime Suspect, Dame Helen Mirren has never been the Prime Suspect of a murder investigation, nor has she ever been party to the investigation of one. Her friends say she has never been a prime suspect because she is very good at choosing her victims and covering her tracks. Fellow murderer Charles Dance said that ‘Of all of us, Helen was the most brutally efficient murderer. She beat Hugh Grant into a cocked hat.’
  5. When playing the Queen in the film The Queen, Dame Helen Mirren insisted on meeting the Queen and walking behind her very very close, so that she was almost touching her, for an entire week. The Queen let it be known that she didn’t mind and even found Dame Helen Mirren’s proximity ‘strangely soothing.’
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