SHIA LABEOUF WINS SHIA LABEOUF MARATHON

NEW YORK – Today Shia LaBeouf came first in the inaugural Shia LaBeouf movie marathon, winning the gold medal in a varied field.

Shia LaBeouf watched all his films back to back at the Angelika Film Center in New York, with a live stream of his reactions being broadcast on the internet. The event entitled #ALLMYMOVIES featured all twenty nine of his films being shown back-to-back in reverse chronological order. A camera on the back of his seat has captured all of his reactions and him sleeping through some of them.

Robert De Niro was one of many celebrities who turned up to cheer the young actor along the road of his entire ouvre. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec at the awards ceremony:

I think it’s entirely appropriate that Shia won the gold medal. This is a race he’s been training for his whole life and he had to be the favorite even though I know Paul Giamatti and Aaron Paul were also in the field.

Paul Giamatti was actually a surprise inclusion in the field though rumor has it he was training in Estonia for five months. He came in second with Martin Freeman beating Aaron Paul to the bronze medal. The Hobbit star said that he was delighted with the result but would be hoping to beat Shia LaBeouf next year.

I was way ahead of him but Nymphomaniac Volume 2 really screwed me.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor

Shia LaBeouf will be appearing at a shopping mall near you throughout the Holiday Season.

ROBERT DE NIRO JOINS SHIA LABEOUF FOR #ALLMYMOVIES

NEW YORK – At the Angelika theatre in New York, Shia LaBeouf has been joined by Robert de Niro to watch the rest of Shia LaBeouf’s movies back to back in a marathon.

Robert de Niro showed up at the Angelika theater today in New York today to join Shia LaBeouf in his marathon of Shia LaBeouf movies the #AllMyMovies event.

Mr. De Niro spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his participation in what is being billed as either the most interesting art project of the century or alternatively the moment the new millennium disappeared up its own asshole:

 Shia LaBeouf is the most interesting actor of his generation and I am not going to just be a part of the project, I also want to actually see his Transformers trilogy again.

What fascinates you about Shia?

In a word his range. He has such an incredible range. Look at Bobby and then look at what he does in Fury. Or look at Disturbia and compare it to his role Nymphomaniac. And it isn’t only me, I don’t know a serious actor who doesn’t greatly esteem Shia. The new film that Daniel Day Lewis is making about Shia…

That’s still happening?

Oh absolutely, but you know Daniel. He wants to be absolutely perfect. Especially because it’s Shia. He is more committed to this than he ever was to Lincoln. And he loved Lincoln.

Is there anything you’d help Shia with in terms of his acting?

Are you kidding? I’m the one asking him advice. I wished he’d been there when I was making Taxi Driver, or Raging Bull. I’m sure he would have given me some good notes. I asked him the other day if he could help me with my recent performances. He said he’d seen The Intern. And he emailed me his reaction.

What did he write?

Three words: ‘Do it again’.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

LARS VON TRIER INFILTRATES CANNES JURY

CANNES – It was revealed today that Lars Von Trier has infiltrated the Cannes jury but it is as yet unclear which jury member has the Danish controversialist hidden somewhere within them.

The Croisette was on red alert last night as it emerged that Lars Von Trier has somehow managed to infiltrate the Cannes Jury. Presidents of the Jury Joel and Ethan Coen released a joint statement in which they both said that the Nymphomaniac director had been detected via special irony machines set up for that very purpose by the Gendarmes.

We knew something like this might happen. What we didn’t know was how clsoe he would get. We know he is actually inside one of the members of the jury. How he did this is as yet unclear, though our money is on a Fantastic Voyage type of shrinking machine.

Where could Lars Von Trier be?

Rossy de Palma (Actress – Spain)
She would make the perfect host. Utterly charming and unsuspecting and plus Von Trier would be attracted to the dusky southern lady.

Sophie Marceau
(Actress, Director – France)
Unlikely. Sophie is a waifish figure unlikely to hide the gross presence of the Breaking the Waves director.

Sienna Miller (Actress – United Kingdom)
Lars Von Trier might try to infect the impressionable American born but UK based actress. Would she have the will to resist his MIND POWERS?

Rokia Traoré (Composer, Singer-songwriter – Mali)
Although not strictly speaking a racist, Von Trier is a Nazi and so his Aryan nature is unlikely to mix well with the Malian singer.

Guillermo del Toro (Director, Writer, Producer – Mexico)
Perhaps the obvious place to look. The Pacific Rim director has room enough for a whole Dogma movement.

Xavier Dolan (Director, Writer, Producer, Actor – Canada)

Canadian prodigy Xavier Dolan has had a string of critical successes. How could one so young be so artistically mature? Perhaps if there was a great Dane lurking within the state of Xavier.

Jake Gyllenhaal (Actor – United States)

We all know how much Lars Von Trier loves Hollywood movies and none more so than the Prince of Persia. In many ways Gylenhaal would be the perfect place to find one’s very own private Brokeback Mountain.

LARS VON TRIER: ‘ALCOHOL TASTES GOOD’

HOLLYWOOD – Lars Von Trier admitted today that after a year on the wagon, he has begun drinking again because ‘it tastes good and it makes me feel squiffy’.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, the Danish director of Nymphomaniac, Melancholia and Breaking the Waves Lars Von Trier said:

I tried not to drink for a year, attended AA meetings and the like, but beer tastes really nice and if I have a couple of pints of the stuff, I don’t know what it is but my face feels warm and I have this sense of pleasant well-being.

But what about the drawbacks to alcohol dependency?

I don’t know about dependency. I mean there might be some drawbacks. I do tend to act a bit silly if I have a bottle of wine. And I have occasionally done the odd interview a little worse for wear and then I wake up in the morning and see the newspaper and BANG! I think ‘Oh my God! What have I done?’

Is that what was responsible for…?

The Hitler comments at Cannes. Yes. You see I’d just had a snakebite with Kirsten Dunst and I was feeling loosey-goosey. But those bloody French are so serious. They were all Nazi this and Nazi that. I didn’t realize it would be so controversial. After all Mel Gibson was appearing at the same festival so I thought they like Nazis. After that I swore never to do interviews again.

But you’re doing one now.

Am I? You’re not a journalist. You’re my best friend. Yes you are. I… I…. I love you.

I can’t breath. Please release me from this affectionate headlock and stop rubbing my head with your knuckles.

No.

Lars Von Trier’s next film 1000 Bottles of Beer on the Wall will be released in 2016.

CHRISTIAN SLATER SPENT TWO DECADES SPREADING FREEDOM

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that Christian Slater has spent the whole of the last twenty years spreading freedom via his anonymous radio show Pump Up the Volume.

Sources close to the Heathers actor, reported that Mr. Slater in the early nineties decided to sacrifice his own career as a film actor and dedicate himself to fighting for the rights of the dispossessed and those without a voice. 

He began in Nicaragua, and then spent a year with some Amazonian tribes in the depths of the Rain Forest. He’s been to Haiti, Somalia, Afghanistan, the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Nepal. He’s even been into North Korea. He turns up in his mobile radio truck and plays Leonard Cohen’s ‘Everybody Knows’ and then lays down the truth. He was very inspired by the fall of the Berlin Wall and the release of Nelson Mandela and for some reason believed he was instrumental in both events.  

Hollywood insiders were now considering ‘case closed’ on one of the abiding mysteries of recent film history, of how the ‘most versatile actor of his generation’ (John Travolta) had not achieved his full potential. Political commentators have already started rewriting recent world history to take into account the Slater effect. ‘We know for a fact the Arab Spring is entirely Slater’s doing,’ said one analyst. ‘Who knows how big the impact has been?’

Somewhere out there, in the dark night of oppression, a light is shining, and Christian Slater is going to work.

SHIA LA BEOUF ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S PENIS

COPENHAGEN- Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Transformers 2 star Shia LaBeouf has been accused once more of ‘borrowing’ someone else’s work: in this case Michael Fassbender‘s Old Boy.

The young actor faced accusations of creative theft following a screening of Lars Von Trier’s new 4 hour nookie fest Nymphomaniac in Copenhagen. Critics who saw the film are under strict embargo but one of them phoned Studio Exec with this story, telling us the embargo doesn’t count if you don’t give your name. Richard Brody of the New Yorker whispered:

Shia’s dingly-dangly is an exact replica of Michael Fassbender’s love tube in the Steve McQueen film Shame. It’s like a sand worm from Dune.  I’m not saying he outright stole it, but if Fassbender doesn’t have a ‘Special Thanks to…’ credit, then things are very rum.

 The accusations come at a time when Shia LaBeouf was already fielding claims that his new short film was less original than by all rights it ought to have been. He denied the charges. ‘This is what happens when someone has a larger than average package. Everyone wants to jump on it,’ said the Lawless star. 
Michael Fassbender – who is currently winning plaudits in 12 Years a Slave – said that he was ‘flattered and slightly engorged’.

Shia will be released in 2015. 

LARS VON TRIER EXPLODES

COPENHAGEN – Late last night famous Danish film maker Lars Von Trier was rushed to hospital after reportedly exploding near his home in Stockholm.

The incident occured after a party Mr. von Trier was hosting was beginning to split up and although the cause of the explosion has not yet been fully understood, the police have ruled out external causes and friends said that the Dogme director was looking increasingly swollen and ‘pent up’ in the weeks leading up to the bang. 

Rutger Hauer, who was at the party explained one theory: ‘Lars gave up doing interviews about a year and a half ago after he was declared persona non grata at Cannes following his remarks about perhaps being a Nazi. Since then he has just been swelling and swelling with all the controversial stuff he wants to say.’

The condition worsened when plans to make Nymphomaniac an explicit film about the awakening of sexuality in an old woman, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg. The cast list has been growing as the Antichrist director grabbed anyone not working on Terrence Malick’s Knight of Cups. Friends also pointed out that von Trier was furious to hear that his arch rival, enemy and nemesis, Michael Haneke, had got a plum job working wioth the Farrelly brothers (for more on which CLICK HERE). ‘That Austrian arsehole,’ Trier was reported to have blurted. ‘He gets the Kingpin guys and what do I get? Shia LaBeouf’s hairy cock!’

However, some of these theories have been discounted and Wilem Dafoe claimed a faulty fondue was probably to blame.

Mr. von Trier’s condition is doctor’s say ‘highly unstable, though thought provoking.’

NYMPHOMANIAC: ON SET REPORT









COPENHAGEN – Lars Von Trier is more commonly known for his light as fluff family friendly comedies, such as Antichrist and Breaking the Waves, so it came as a shock when it was announced that he was going to make what is already being dubbed as the Debbie Does Dallas of Denmark. Studio Exec was privileged to be the only high-ranking media outlet to be allowed EXCLUSIVE access to the set.


When I arrive at the studio some miles north of Copenhagen it is early morning, but shooting has already begun. Candles have been lit. Incense smoke rises to the hot studio lights. Von Trier – or Larsey as he prefers to be known – is wearing the gag he got Gucci to design since his infamous appearance at Cannes in 2011. He says something indecipherable to Shia LaBeouf who is naked except for two nipples tassels – like the ones lady strippers wear in Vegas. Uma Thurman sits to one side, texting. “Quiet on the set” is called for, and some music with heavy vibes is played to get everyone in the mood and then the only sound that can be heard is a kind of wet slapping – like someone spanking a baby pig – and the occasional fragile sound of a woman crying out in ecstasy.

The film charts the sexual life of a woman named Joe, played by Charlotte Gainsbourg, who recounts her life as a self-styled nymphomaniac to the man who saved her from a beating. The high powered cast includes Lars Von Trier regulars like Stellan Skarsgard, Nicole Kidman and Willem Dafoe. At lunch, Dafoe is sitting with me now in the cafeteria, dressed as a plumber. I ask him about his role. “I’m a plumber.”, Dafoe says, “I come to fix her pipes. Then we have some dialogue, you know, ‘I need to screw this really hard’ ,and, ‘Oh, my nuts came loose’, and then we go for it.”

“What attracted you to the film?” I ask.

“Oh the writing,” Dafoe says. “Definitely the writing.”

Shia LaBeouf is wearing a dressing gown and eating coleslaw. “I hear you sent Lars a video of you having sex in order to get the part?” I say, “Is that true?”

“Yes and no.” answers the bafflingly famous actor. “I did send him a tape, but I’m an exhibitionist – I regularly send them to anyone I can. I didn’t even know he was making a film. I didn’t really know who he was, I mean ‘Lars’, is that really a man’s name? But once the story came out, it would have been like embarrassing to have just said you know. What’s your address by the way?”

As the day of filming end, I stand by the DP Manuel Claro. There have been girl on girl, man on girl, man on man and the day ended with an orgy scene. ‘It must be exhausting filming this,’ I say.

“Filming? I’ll let you in on a secret,” Claro leans close, “There’s no film in the camera. Larsey is just having his little joke. You know what he’s like.”

Nymphomaniac is due for release in December 2013