NSA TASKED WITH COMBATING SPOILERS

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has tasked the National Security Agency (or the NSA as they prefer to be known) with a new list of mission priorities in an attempt to improve the flagging image of the Government service.

First of these new missions will be a crackdown on so called SPOILERS, anyone spoiling the plots of films and television shows.

Speaking from the White House, President Obama said:

It has been for too long that our films, our shows, our stories have been spoiled by careless internet chatter and occasionally malicious revelations. That is why today I have signed an executive order giving the NSA full power to assassinate anyone who is found guilty of persistently ruining films and shows for those who have not yet got round to seeing them. Maybe it is too late for the second season of House of Cards, or for the truly stunning True Detective, but with these measures in place we can all look forward to Game of Thrones, knowing we can catch up later and not have to avoid twitter or rush to see it the moment it’s broadcast lest our enjoyment be very literally spoiled.

However, critics of the President were quick to point out that the new NSA directives have a very limited scope. Will Ferrell – spokesperson for SHACK – said:

It’s all very well for the President to make this move and we of SHACK applaud it. However, it will do nothing to combat the main cause of Spoilers in our culture: namely trailers. Until we have a comprehensive strategy in place to rein in the publicity departments who routinely ruin their own movies and give away salient plot points in their posters and trailers, then we at SHACK will tirelessly campaign for the impeachment of President Obama.

What do you think of the NSA’s new directive? Are you in favor or are you a communist perhaps? Please avail yourself of the comments below to make your own mind stain visible to the eyes of the world.   

 

MARK ZUCKERBERG IS LEX LUTHOR

HOLLYWOOD – Batman Vs Superman has its new villain as super-creepy Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed he will be taking on the role.

‘I crushed MySpace,’ laughed the curly haired mastermind. ‘This Man of Steel and Man of Bat will be no match for me!’ 

News came in also that Alfred will be played by people marrying horses advocate Jeremy Irons, who said he was delighted with the role:

One is absolutely over the moon with the role. First one’s thoughts leaped to one of the trains in the Thomas the Tank Engine books but apparently Alfred is some kind of a majordomo in some other type of children’s book. One wishes to get ‘down’ with the kids as modern parlance would have it. What! What! 

Ben Affleck also responded saying that he was looking forward to getting to grips with the Zuckerberg and perhaps punching him in the face repeatedly, if that was all right with the director, Zach Snyder. Zuckerberg, on being asked on what qualified him for the role, was very forthcoming:

Think about it. I mean, I have all these algorithms, and I’ve convinced everyone to put all their personal data on computers and now I’m monetizing that and who knows what I’m up to with the NSA. Even the NSA don’t know. Ha ha! Plus I have this other villainous thing where I only eat what I personally kill and butcher. Oh, yeah and if there’s like a meeting I have to go to with Batman and Superman, I don’t know maybe we all have to give depositions, I’m gonna turn up in my pajamas and they’ll all be so like What? He’s in his pajamas. Wow. What a villain!

Batman Vs Superman will be released once we’re heartily sick of hearing about it and only then.