It’s getting to that time of year when I dig out my old Panama hat and head over to France, I think it is for the Cannes Film Festival. I missed the first one when a few drinks on the plane with Lee Marvin led to an emergency landing in Norway and a very ugly scene with Interpol, but I’ve been to every one since and have thoroughly enjoyed myself. The only bit I don’t like is the films, which tend to be quite long and very foreign, but they do give you ample time to sleep off the lunch you enjoyed on some producer’s yacht. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done my share of those arty pictures, but you do have to learn to talk in subtitles and the director will have a very irritating beard and insist you take your clothes off. It was at Cannes that Prince Rainier III of Monaco beat me 7-4 at table tennis and celebrated by getting married to Grace Kelly. Sadly I couldn’t attend the wedding because I fell in the sea and ruined my suit, but they always sent a card on my birthday.

It was all years ago now of course, but the other day I heard they’ll be turning that very story into a ‘bio pic’, with dear little Eddy Redmayne as yours truly.  I doubt if anyone’s told him he’ll have to shave his hair off for the scene where Frank Sinatra had me tarred and feathered for cheating at golf, but he’s a very fine actor and I’m sure he’ll cope admirably. 

I do like the bit at the end of the festival when they give out the prizes because it’s a free bar, but you do have to make sure you’re stood upwind of those Eastern European actresses if you know what I mean.  Some of them can look a little startling and I do find their tattoos quite intimidating. 

Lucille Ball showed me her tattoos once, but that’s another story…


HOLLYWOOD – How many myths? How many lies? How much mumbo jumbo has surrounded the most enigmatic of Norwegians, Naomi Watts?

Well no longer! Studio Exec – armed with the baloney busting Bazooka of brilliance – puts paid to piffle with FACT.

  1. Naomi Watts’ father Jeff Watts invented electricity. 
  2. In preparation for the filming of Tsunami drama The Impossible Watts and her co-star Fr. Ewan MacGregor learnt to speak fluent Spanish, had their hair dyed and even applied for Spanish citizenship so as to reproduce the experiences of the real life Belòn family with the appropriate verisimilitude. ‘It would be a disgusting insult to Maria Belòn and her family to just Anglicize the characters in order to make the film more commercially successful,’ said Ms. Watts. However, the studio dubbed the film into English and changed the family into an English family, at which point Ms. Watts forgot Spanish instantly.
  3. As well as being a versatile actress, Naomi Watts is also an expert linguist. Her mastery of accents is such that people rarely guess she is Norwegian. She adopts a light Australian accent during interviews which provoked criticism from the Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg, who took to referring to Naomi Watts as Naomi Whats?, which is considered hilarious in Norway and was instrumental to his winning of the election.
  4. Her early film roles included a supporting role in Tank Girl and Norwegian soap opera Home and Away. Naomi Watts also appeared in King Kong, although at the last minute the roles were changed and Andy Serkis played the large eponymous monkey. 
  5. During the filming of David Lynch’s masterly Mulholland Drive, Ms. Watts prepared for her part by eating nothing but squirrel in the mistaken belief it would help her attune to Mr. Lynch’s precise brand of weirdness.  She used the same technique when starring in the American language version of Funny Games, during which she only ate Michael Haneke’s favourite type of Pot Noodle. 
For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE!