MICHAEL BAY PARACHUTES IN TO GUAM

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay parachuted into Guam late last night.

The Transformers and The Rock director Michael Bay has been dropped over Guam, sources say. The freshly appointed Special Envoy to South East Asia, President Trump said that he appointed Mr. Bay because of his experience with explosive action sequences. An insider praised the move:

Michael is the perfect choice for this role. The situation is amazingly confusing. No one knows what is going on. There’s a very good chance it won’t end well. In other words, this looks exactly like a Michael Bay movie.

What will Bay do in Guam?

Hopefully act as a deterrent. We know that Kim Jong Il is a huge fan of Bad Boys 2. If they nuke Guam, we’re saying they’ll never see a Bad Boys 3.

But Kim Yong Il was the father. The leader is Kim Jong Un now.

Then we’re fucked.

Ah!

I suppose if I want look on the bright side, it means we’re probably not going to see another Transformers movie ever again.

Michael Bay will be directing Apocalypse ASAP.

 

NORTH KOREA TEST ORLANDO BLOOM

SEOUL – Reports are coming in that North Korea have successfully tested an Orlando Bloom in the Sea of Japan.

There have been rumors for weeks; noise and what the CIA call ‘chatter’ from Pyongyang that the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea had developed their very own Orlando Bloom and were ready to detonate him as a show of strength to their southern neighbors as well as other powers in the region. China had been among the powers urging caution and diplomatic channels with the North Koreans and the leader Kim Jong-un had been opened in order to prevent an escalation of blandness. President Barack Obama, while visiting Britain last week, commented that:

Though many might see our position as hypocrisy – we after all have the original Orlando Bloom, and have had him for years – we must assure the North Koreans, Pakistan, Israel and any other power intent on developing their own Orlando Bloom option, that we deeply regret having our own OB and we are seeking ways of safely decommissioning him.

The detonation was detected by scientists using instruments which are usually dedicated to  warning of Tsunamis. One scientist told the Exec, ‘the instruments were off the scale and suddenly we all felt listless and bored.’ The detonation comes only months after China was accused of 3D printing an entire army of Steve Guttenbergs.

More on this story as it develops.

KATE MIDDLETON’S ROYAL TWINS TO BE CALLED SONY AND KIM

LONDON – Pregnant British royal Kate Middleton will use the twins to save the day from the escalating tensions between Sony Pictures and North Korea.

Maybe in a bid to show the old gal it’s time for another woman to lead the Commonwealth, Prince William’s lady wife Kate Middleton announced she will single-handedly resolve the conflict over Hollywood comedy The Interview by naming their brewing twins Sony and Kim in honor of the electronics giants and its current nemesis, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. The effort, she feels, will significantly dampen the current climate of anger and mistrust by immortalizing those two names side by side for eternity.

Prince William, speaking EXCLUSIVELY with The Studio Exec, explained the Royal decision.

Britain civilized the world, and will keep doing so for as long as it takes. Luckily, Kanye West gave his spawn such a colossally ridiculous handle that no other baby name henceforth will ever sound idiotic. That left us free to use our own progeny in forcing those two entities to stop acting like Kanye on his honeymoon and look at the bigger picture: A Seth Rogen comedy is no laughing matter, but for far different reasons.

The next in line to the throne declined to comment on how this decision would impact their son George, whom sources inside Buckingham palace say is already planning a use of his future siblings to swede the film at the center of this whole situation. Prince William did however convey his satisfaction with the pregnancy so far, citing the positive impact the twins are having on the “other twins”.

No word yet on possible terrorism threats from the alleged hackers to stop Kate from releasing the twins.

 

FRANCO AND ROGEN HANDED OVER TO NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – Seth Rogen and James Franco have been captured and handed over to North Korea, following an executive order by President Obama.

Barack Obama told the White House press corp that he had interrupted his family vacation to sign the order, after a private screening of the film The Interview which has been at the center of whirlwind of controversy and has led to heightened tensions between the two countries.

The President stated:

At first I was angry at Sony for folding to the pressure of North Korea, but after I saw the film I was furious at them for green lighting The Interview in the first place. It’s a complete piece of shit. Adolescent brain dead humor, and James Franco trying to invent himself as a comic actor? No, no, no.

The FBI picked up the two actors who were due to make an appearance at a Boxing Day screening in Los Angeles and they were immediately handed over to the CIA who flew them to China where they were taken across the border to North Korea, where it is believed there is a very real possibility that they will not be treated well.

President Obama responded to accusations that he himself was folding to pressure from a dictatorship:

It’s got nothing to do with Kim Jong-un and him being displeased. It’s to do with the fact that these guys have made a shitty film and the American people need protecting from shitty films. Franco and Rogen are now in the hands of the DPRK and their ability to make a sequel to The Interview or for that matter Pineapple Express is severely depleted.

The Interview review is available here. 

THE INTERVIEW: REVIEW

THE INTERVIEW: REVIEW – After all the fuss, the hack, the threats, the censorship, the President’s comments, the executives replies and the final release, what is the James Franco and Seth Rogen film The Interview actually like?

Continue reading “THE INTERVIEW: REVIEW”

KIM JONG-UN TO HOST SNL

NEW YORK – The Supreme Leader of the Democratic Republic of Korea, feared dictator and former member of the Axis of  Evil, Kim Jong-un will be hosting the next edition of NBC’s comedy sketch show Saturday Night Live.

The announcement came as something of a surprise as The Skeleton Twins actor Bill Hader had previously been announced as the host on that day but it was revealed that he had pulled out following intervention by the North Koreans. Hader’s agent publicly stated the actor had ‘a previous commitment to living’.

It is thought that Kim Jong-un will seek to replicate his hilarious appearance of two years ago where he dueted with eighties pop singer Kim Wilde on a comedy version of French Kissing in the USA and did a series of sketches featuring Kim Jong-Kardashian, a character that his serene eminence had written himself and which concluded with him meeting the real Kim Kardashian.

However New York Times TV critic, Max Belliferontus, warns viewers not to expect such heights of comic brilliance to be repeated:

That was a once in a lifetime cultural moment, like Susan Boyle singing for the first time or Neil Armstrong landing on the moon. There’s no point even trying to recreate the excitement that surrounded Kim Jong-un’s first appearance also because most of the creative team behind the original show were later found dead at the bottom of an elevator shaft in the Dakota Hotel. But what we can expect is some brilliant character work, some incisive political satire and a warm hearted buffoonery that has made Kim Jong-un so beloved of audiences and the only natural heir of the sadly departed Col. Gaddafi, who by the way is still a big hit on YouTube.

Kim Jong-un will be appearing on Saturday Night Live throughout the next twelve months and you will find it funny.

DENNIS RODMAN CALLED IN TO NEGOTIATE WITH NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – Basketball star and Kim Jong-Un BFF Dennis Rodman has been called in by Sony to help negotiate a cessation of hostilities and to ‘normalise’ relations between the media corporation and North Korea, guest contributor Anthony Langlois writes.

With Sony having sustained yet another kick in the berries following threats of terrorist acts by the alleged Hackers that led to cancelling the New York Premier of The Interview, the media giant felt it was time to break out the Nuclear option: get Dennis Rodman involved.

The notorious NBA bad boy and friend to North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un announced via social media that he was once again on his way to visit the so-called dictator, in hopes that a friendly game of Horse between the two could lead to brokering peace and end the recent string of events that left Sony feeling like Heisenberg just knocked on its door.

“I didn’t do dick for Kenneth Bae,” Rodman wrote on his Facebook page, “But I can sure get Spider-man out of a Jam”.

The latter comment quickly sparked on-line speculations that the former B-Ball player was looking to score a part in the studio’s upcoming Sinister Six movie. However The Studio Exec reached out to a Sony insider who commented on the condition of anonymity, or until the next hack leaks it, that last they checked Hell was still pretty Goddamn hot so we’re safe for now.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

SETH ROGEN AND JAMES FRANCO SURRENDERED TO NORTH KOREA

 HOLLYWOOD – The White House confirmed this morning that stars of The Interview, Seth Rogen and James Franco have been surrendered to the North Korean authorities and are currently being held in an unconfirmed location somewhere in North Korea.

Continue reading “SETH ROGEN AND JAMES FRANCO SURRENDERED TO NORTH KOREA”

GARY SINISE PULLED OUT OF IRAQ

BAGHDAD – Gary Sinise has finally been pulled out of Iraq, over two years after the last US troops left. Mr. Sinise was in Iraq entertaining the troops when the withdrawal happened but he was not informed.

‘I was out of the loop, I guess,’ said a tired Mr. Sinise, on arriving at LAX this morning.

But an anonymous veteran said that – although troops appreciated the actor’s work for veteran charities – they had become ‘heartily tired of his endless entertaining.’

His bass lines are just insipid and all that gung-ho stuff gets wearisome fast. He was doing a bass solo and we just kind of sneaked out and left him to it. He had his eyes closed because he was in the zone.

The Pentagon denied that Mr. Sinise had been deliberately left behind. A spokesman also denied that he was to be redeployed to North Korea where he would join Chuck Norris as part of an ‘Artistic Task Force’.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 18. JEREMY IRONS

Santa Fe Skillet, coffee and OJ

Comments by leading British thespian and actor Jeremy Irons concerning same sex marriage caused consternation, anger but above all confusion yesterday, so we invited him into the Studio Exec office at Denny’s for a nice breakfast and to try and clarify some of his ideas.

So Jeremy, same sex marriage. Go!

All I said was that I worry about the name marriage and that same sex marriage is really a fight over that name and a father might be able to marry his son and dogs can’t look up.

Okay. But as a thespian surely you should support same sex marriage?

I don’t understand, why? Thespian is just another word for actor.

Is it? I thought it was two ladies who … oh okay.  Onto other issues. North Korea.

Good. Finally, something I have very clear ideas about. First I should say I support the deployment of Chuck Norris to Guam (for more on that story CLICK HERE). However, what are the root causes of this feeling of animosity and indeed bellicosity. I think the real trouble with the situation in North Korea is the shortage of ladders. If there were more ladders then the people of North Korea wouldn’t have to balance precariously on chairs while changing their light bulbs. No wonder they’re agitated when they look at America and see people using ladders willy-nilly. 

The global financial crisis.

Wow, they’re coming thick and fast. Okay. The crisis was initially caused by the fact people don’t wear hats any more. Not wearing hats led to the almost complete decimation of the hat stand making industry. Do you know how many hat stand makers there are in New York today? 23. Just 23. And as little as ten years ago there were 26! So you can see the problem. 

Climate change.

Here we have to distinguish between the words ‘climate’ and ‘weather’ and this is where – especially in America – the debate sometimes gets lost in confusion and cross talk. ‘Weather’ means when it rains and snows, and ‘climate’ we use when it’s sunny or windy. Sort that out and you’ve sorted out climate change.

Thank you Jeremy that was completely…

Hat stand. 

Quite. 

Jeremy Irons will be appearing.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE..

CHUCK NORRIS DEPLOYED TO GUAM

Location of Chuck

  GUAM  – Early this morning Chuck Norris was dispatched to Guam, in the North West Pacific Ocean, and will be ready to be launched in a matter of hours according to our Pentagon sources.

‘This is not an empty gesture,’ said a source close to Chuck Hagel. ‘We are looking at North Korea’s increasingly belligerent stance and Norris is exactly the kind of precaution that any sensible President would like to have at hand.’
The move comes in response to a startling proliferation of nuclear activity on the North Korean border and noises from regional players Russia and China that an attack on US bases in Japan was a distinct possibility. An observer argued:
Got a Horsie Loves to Ride-y

There is very little that we know about what is actually going on inside North Korea. Rumors have it that Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, was angered by K.Pop sensation PSY and the popularity of the South Korean singer’s Gangnam Style, when his own single ‘Got A Horsie Love to Ride-y’ languishes at number 78 in the North Korean charts, despite being a totalitarian despot.

 The truth is the song is weak and has a chorus that is instantly forgettable. Some, however, have criticized the Obama administration for deploying Norris without first considering other options. ‘Steve Guttenberg is free,’ said Sen. John McCain.

OBAMA TO DEPLOY RUSSELL CROWE AGAINST NORTH KOREA

Stern words turned to actions today, as America’s response to the North Korean testing of a nuclear weapon began to harden. President Obama speaking from the Rose Garden announced that Australian singer and actor Russell Crowe was ready at an hour’s notice for deployment.

A spokesperson for the Pentagon said that the Commander in Chief:

had initially been unsure of the efficacy of using Crowe but – upon seeing Les Miserables in a private screening – the President stood up halfway through and said “What are we waiting for?” Mr. Crowe was contacted and agreed, though there was some confusion as to his exact role.

A friend of The Gladiator as he prefers to be known said that ‘Russ is really proud to give his mate Obama a hand in a crisis. As long as the North Koreans are just bombing themselves that’s fair dinkum but the danger is they might use those bombs on another country and we can’t be having that.’
It is thought that should diplomatic negotiations fail, Mr. Crowe will stride across the DMZ and into North Korea while singing in a way fans describe as ‘unbearable’, ‘atrocious’ and ‘worse than cat murder’. And those are fans remember.

AMERICA DECLARES WAR ON NORTH KOREA

The baby faced leader of North Korea Kim Jong-un, decreed on state television this morning that he is changing the name of the country to Mordor and declaring himself the living embodiment of Sauron the Great.

President Obama immediately released a statement condemning Jong-un’s actions as being nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt, but hours later US spy satellites recorded footage of an army of Orcs and Goblins marching towards the Korean border which forced the president to take decisive action.
 




I’ve been consulting with my chief adviser Gandalf the grey “ said a businesslike Obama.

 
He is currently recruiting a crack unit who will travel to Mordor and end Sauron’s reign of tyranny once and for all.”
 
When asked if he had a message for his enemy the President didn’t mince his words:
 

I’d like to make it clear to Sauron and anyone who else who dares threaten the security of the United States of America or it’s allies. We have the Ring of Power and we are not afraid to use it!

 

Meanwhile in New York, Sauron’s ambassador Saruman the White had to be rescued by helicopter after a mob of dwarfs led by Game of Thronesstar Peter Dinklage stormed the Mordorian embassy.

The Mordorians have been oppressing my people for a millennia and today’s the day we fight back!” said a rousing Dinklage.

A UN resolution has been swiftly ratified with all member states agreeing that Sauron must be brought to justice. However political philosopher Noam Chomsky urged caution:

 

The life of one Orc means nothing to Sauron. He’ll throw a million of them into the meat grinder and not even blink but we don’t want to get into a situation were we are throwing a million Elves back at him. If Gandalf’s so called “Fellowship” fails in their quest then we should get Sauron around a table and try and hammer out a peaceful resolution.

 
We will bring you more news of of these turbulent events, when we get it.