MOSCOW – Vladimir Putin today confirmed that Russia would be instituting a national league of a gladiatorial death game, based loosely on the 1975 movie Rollerball.

The Premier of the Russian Federation told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Here in Russia it is useless to hide the fact that we have a lot of problems. There is criminality, corruption, economic woes and a disaffected youth. Add to this we have political dissidents left right and centre. However, recently as I was riding bare-chested across the steppe close to my Dacha, it occurred to me that the James Cann Science Fiction film Rollerball might be the answer to all of our problems. I phoned Steven Segal and Gerard Depardieu and they both agreed with me vociferously.

The Norman Jewison directed futuristic fantasy shows a society where everything is perfect. Corporations rule a largely docile populace where crime and poverty have been eliminated. This is done via a violent sport which serves as both a cathartic outpouring for the blood lust of society and a model of obedience and sacrifice. That is until the rise of star played Jonathan E (James Cann) whose individual success puts at risk the very values that the sport is supposed to promote.

Aren’t you afraid of a Jonathan E character rising up?

No not at all. I have Pussy Riot and that’s okay isn’t it? Jonathan E would be easy for me to do deal with. I’d invite him for a night time stroll near the Kremlin. Ha ha!

Many Russia watchers believe that the new sport will be a popular move for a President who despite (or perhaps because of) foreign criticism has maintained high levels of domestic support.

The rules for Russian Rollerball will be much the same as shown in the latter games of the movie, where there are no fouls and players can be legitimately maimed or murdered as part of the game. The league will begin with twenty teams playing across Russia, with players recruited from Universities, opposition political parties, immigrant groups, homosexuals and journalists.

The first season of Russian Rollerball will begin in October of 2015 and will be available on Pay Per View.


NEW YORK – Veteran Rollerball champion Jonathan E today announced his retirement from the game.

The decision came in the immediate aftermath of a bloody no holds barred game featuring Houston and New York and lòed to the deaths of several players. Many had questioned the safety of the sport following a match in Tokyo which saw the Houston’s lead rider Blue dead and Jonathan’s old friend Moose in a vegetative state. Sources close to the Jonathan E camp claimed that Jonathan had been melancholy for some time.

A source from inside the camp told the Studio Exec:

It’s really depressing. He just sits around erasing videos of his ex wife and listening to Tomaso Albioni’s Adagio for the strings. I think he must have it on a loop. He doesn’t listen to anything but sad Venetian string music. He sometimes wears this hat as well.

Rumbles of discontent within Houston had been reported for sometime as Jonathan’s personal popularity was far outstripping the reputation of other players and the team as a unit. Mr. Bartholomew of the Energy Corporation which runs the International Rollerball League has also let it be known that Jonathan E’s retirement has been considered long overdue. He told us:

We live in a dystopian society in which all of the problems of crime and violence have been solved through the innovation of a violent game with which everyone can vent their feelings. I know that doesn’t make much sense, but still it has worked and will continue to work in the future. But Jonathan E being too good at that sport is just ruining it for everyone and we welcome his decision, especially because completely coincidentally the Rollerball games seem to have become much more violent. I don’t know how that happened. Like people were dying and shit.

A new film about Jonathan E and entitled simply Rollerball starring James Caan and Ralph Richardson will be released in 1975.