BREAKING NEWS – With the pending release of Bullet Train and Nope, it can now be confirmed that Mads Mikkelsen is not in every upcoming film. The news has led to rumors of the Danish superstar’s retirement from acting. The Exec caught up with the star to find out exactly why Mads Mikkelsen is not in every film.
Mads, Thank You For Joining Us At This Difficult Time.
Ah, so you want to know why Mads Mikkelsen is not in every film. I will tell you. A couple of years ago it was getting out of hand. I was shooting Fantastic Beasts one day, flying back to Europe and recording a voice over on the plane. I would then shoot a real film for one of my chums. And then it was back on another plane, another voice over. And back to standing in front of a green screen for whatever bullshit they were paying me an obscene amount of money to be villainous in.
So It Was All The Pressure Of The Travelling?
Fuck, no. I get treated like royalty wherever I go. It was the money.
They Weren’t Paying You Enough?
No. They were paying me too much! I didn’t know what to do with all that dough. There’s only so many platinum teeth I can put in my mouth at any one time. And once you’ve bought a couple of Malibu beachfront properties, what else is there? I’ll tell you, Danny Day-Lewis had the right idea.
Drink Someone Else’s Milkshake?
No. Disappear to become a cobbler. That’s what I’m going to do. Well, not exactly that, but I am going to open up a key cutting booth on Coney Island. I’ll also sell cans of soda pop and ice creams. It’s a dream I’ve had for many years now. Leave behind the drudgery of Hollywood and the European Arthouse scene. Do something more fulfilling.
What? Cut Keys.
Have you ever cut a key?
No, I Haven’t.
Well, shut the fuck up then.