NOAM CHOMSKY EXCITED ABOUT SAUSAGE PARTY

NEW YORK – Noam Chomsky has broken with tradition and spoken out about a new Hollywood movie that he is really excited about seeing: Sausage Party, starring Paul Rudd and Kristen Wiig.

Famous linguist and radical political thinker Noam Chomsky has broken his habitual silence on matters of cinema to talk about how excited he is about Sausage Party, the new animated comedy about a sausage having an identity crisis. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Chomsky explained his excitement:

I can’t wait for Sausage Party. It’s the only film for decades to really get me going. I think it’s going to be f*cking hilarious. I mean there’s this sausage and all these other sort of food stuffs and the sausage realizes they’re all going to be eaten. It’s like Orwell but for the new millennium and it’s written by Seth Rogen and he’s f*cking hilarious. What a guy. Him and James Franco. They’re amazing.

So it’s the sociopolitical subtext that you’re…

Oh shit no. It’s the shits and giggles that I go for. Jesus, I swear to God I spend my whole day talking about the war on terror, the Palestinian-Israeli conflict, Venezuela, when I go to the pictures I just want to see some really funny food animation and loads of off-color humor. Did you see Dirty Grandpa?

But from a linguistic point of view it must be…

Shut up. How about that for linguistic point of view. Shut your f*cking trap.

Professor Chomsky!

Professor Chomsky [in a high pitch ]. Jesus, I just want to laugh a Paul Rudd animated film, scripted by Seth Rogen, with a salacious title and I hope and pray a cameo from James Franco and you have to ruin everything. You ass biscuit!

Sausage Party is out soon.

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT TURNS UP TO FORCE AWAKENS PREMIERE DRESSED LIKE KERMIT

HOLLYWOOD – Star of Sin City: A Dame to Kill For and 50/50, Joseph Gordon-Levitt turned up to the Star Wars: Force Awakens première in Los Angeles tonight, dressed like a Muppet.

In some sad sack Cosplay attempt, Joseph Gordon-Levitt turned up to the first screening of Star Wars: The Force Awakens dressed in his pyjamas and with his face green and some home-made ears. A stormtrooper standing by told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I really liked Looper, but today Joseph Gordon Levitt was a sad embarrassment to the very serious business of Cosplay. We dedicate our time and energy to getting our costumes precisely accurate, but Levitt turns up and the asshole’s got the wrong movie.

Cheers and Hunger Games star, Woody Harrelson defended the actor saying, ‘Maybe he thought Kermit was in the picture.’ But everyone knows that Harrelson is always high so an endorsement from his mouth is almost worse than nothing. When asked what on earth he was thinking turning up to a Star Wars event dressed as a Muppet, Gordon-Levitt laughed it off:

Right, Muppet! Fantastic. After four hundred years so Kermity you will be. Ha ha!

Everyone agreed that it made no sense whatsoever. Noted linguist Noam Chomsky posted a video on YouTube criticizing Gordon-Levitt’s syntax. ‘It’s all wrong,’ he concluded.

Could this be the end of Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s career?

Use the comment box below to tell us what you think.

To read our Star Wars: The Force Awakens SPOILER FREE review CLICK HERE!

BLACK FRIDAY FOOTAGE FAKED

HOLLYWOOD – All major new channels have been accused of faking Black Friday footage of shoppers going crazy and fighting with each other in what is being called ‘a planned conspiracy to make the human race feel miserable about itself and buy more stuff’.

ABC, CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and other outlets apparently filmed the Black Friday footage in June using actors from the AMC series The Walking Dead as well as CGI to increase the numbers.

Media analyst Bethany Stokes told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

If you look at the footage you will see the same faces as we saw in the last few episodes of The Walking Dead. Some of them still have the zombie make up on. We know that this never actually happened because no one has actually met anyone who was involved. The only examples of this happening have been copycats, who saw the footage and believed that they needed to behave in this way as well. This is learned behavior. And then the media will film that footage as well and interweave the two.

But to what purpose? Why would these media outlets do such a thing?

People are generally happy. They realise they are lucky to be alive and to be relatively wealthy. Most people have everything they need. So the media needs to persuade people to go out and shop but not just shop; shop as if it is a part of The Hunger Games. When buying a television becomes imbued with survivalist fervor just because you save some dollars you might be more inclined to do so, even though you ahve a perfectly good television that you only bought last year at home. Plus people who are not going to be moved to copy the behavior – liberals, moralists and the like -will become so depressed they will rush out and buy Ken Loach DVDs and Noam Chomsky books to cheer themselves up. Either way the cash register is working overtime.

ABC, CNN, MSNBC and Fox News were unavailable for comment.   

AMERICA DECLARES WAR ON NORTH KOREA

The baby faced leader of North Korea Kim Jong-un, decreed on state television this morning that he is changing the name of the country to Mordor and declaring himself the living embodiment of Sauron the Great.

President Obama immediately released a statement condemning Jong-un’s actions as being nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt, but hours later US spy satellites recorded footage of an army of Orcs and Goblins marching towards the Korean border which forced the president to take decisive action.
 




I’ve been consulting with my chief adviser Gandalf the grey “ said a businesslike Obama.

 
He is currently recruiting a crack unit who will travel to Mordor and end Sauron’s reign of tyranny once and for all.”
 
When asked if he had a message for his enemy the President didn’t mince his words:
 

I’d like to make it clear to Sauron and anyone who else who dares threaten the security of the United States of America or it’s allies. We have the Ring of Power and we are not afraid to use it!

 

Meanwhile in New York, Sauron’s ambassador Saruman the White had to be rescued by helicopter after a mob of dwarfs led by Game of Thronesstar Peter Dinklage stormed the Mordorian embassy.

The Mordorians have been oppressing my people for a millennia and today’s the day we fight back!” said a rousing Dinklage.

A UN resolution has been swiftly ratified with all member states agreeing that Sauron must be brought to justice. However political philosopher Noam Chomsky urged caution:

 

The life of one Orc means nothing to Sauron. He’ll throw a million of them into the meat grinder and not even blink but we don’t want to get into a situation were we are throwing a million Elves back at him. If Gandalf’s so called “Fellowship” fails in their quest then we should get Sauron around a table and try and hammer out a peaceful resolution.

 
We will bring you more news of of these turbulent events, when we get it.
 

NOAM CHOMSKY SIGNS FOR DISNEY

Linguist and Philosopher Professor Noam Chomsky has signed a five picture deal with Disney in an attempt to expose his work to a younger generation.

I’m excited to be working with the talented people at Disney” said Chomsky

I know it’s an evil global corporation hell bent on owning the earth and its outlying moon; but sometimes you have to get in bed with your enemy, put your face in the pillow and grit your teeth in order to get things done.”

His first film will be based on his 1965 book Aspects of the Theory of Syntax.

I think it’s important that kids learn to appreciate the various deficiencies found in transformational generative grammar. I know it’s easy for adults to understand that agrammar contains a syntactic component and semantic component and a phonological component; but I think younger children might struggle to grasp the concept. So I’ve written a story about a Princess who falls for a fish that explains everything. Jack Black will voice Snytax the Squid and Amy Adams Princess Phonological.”

Chomsky also confirmed he’s halfway through writing his second feature.

I’m adapting it from my collection of essay’s 9-11: Was There An Alternative? I’ll be examining the history of American interventionism in the Middle East and the impact and consequences of US Foreign policy via the medium of song. Basically it’s a love story set during the attack between a cheeky raccoon and a prissy house cat. My first draft was a little too dark but I’ve been working Brad Bird and I think we’ve managed to lighten the mood. I’m still not sure how we are going to tackle the collapse of the buildings but my current idea is to replace the plane’s with giant robotic pterodactyls.”

 
Aspects in the Theory of Syntax is due for release in 2014.