DARREN ARONOFSKY AND DAVID FINCHER FOUND ALIVE AND WELL AFTER HAVING GOT LOST IN THE WOODS

HOLLYWOOD – Film directors Darren Aronofsky and David Fincher have been rescued alive and well from the Appalachian Trail which they had begun two years ago.

Black Swan director Darren Aronofsky and his best pal Seven director, David Fincher yesterday emerged from the woods in Georgia. They were dehydrated and hungry, but otherwise in good health.

Darren Aronofsky and David Fincher decided to embark on the Appalachian trail in 2014, following the release of Fincher’s Gone Girl, an adaptation of the best seller by Gillian Flynn. However, friends of the pair became concerned when the two film directors failed to contact anyone for six months. A friend of the pair told Studio Exec:

The boys had wanted to do this trail for years. But I was always worried, because neither one of them is particularly capable. I remember David telling Darren, ‘The first rule of the Appalachian Trail is you don’t take a map of the Appalachian Trail.’ I thought that was dumb. I was hoping that Darren would have more sense, but then again he did think Noah would be a hit, so what does he know, right?

 According to Aronofsky, problems began almost immediately:

We set off but whenever I asked David about a decision – putting up the tent, lighting a camp fire, orienteering – he just kept telling me that he’d fix it in post with CGI.

However, Fincher also criticized his companion:

Darren is a wonderful friend, but he isn’t very practical. He kept haring off into the woods looking for what he called ‘the cure for death’. I think it was something Natalie Portman had told him about.

A Walk in the Woods 2 will be released in 2018.

FLUFFER’S 2014: PART 2

The Studio Exec has gained exclusive access to the diaries of veteran thespian Sir Edwin Fluffer. Here we are proud to present selected highlights from his many lows of 2014…

Mar 1st Kirk Douglas phoned: he’s got us a cinematographer for Baby Jane, and it’s none other than Oswald Morris! I haven’t seen old Ossie since I presented him with the Academy Award for Fiddler on the Roof.  Hope he’s forgotten that I spilt my drink down his wife’s dress. It cost me $37 to get it dry cleaned.

Mar 17th Had some sad news today: Oswald Morris has died. I remember when we worked together on Oliver! It was Ossie who suggested to the director that I should stand right at the back and not say anything. James Mason said it was some of the best work I’d ever done, and I have Ossie to thank for that.

Mar 28th Got the new script for this bloody Star Wars thing I’ve got myself muddled up in. I’ll be voicing this robot which spins along like a football, and there’s a love scene with someone called C3P0. I can’t believe that anyone will want to see it.

Apr 1st Just got off the phone to Kirk Douglas: Mickey Rooney has agreed to do Baby Jane! I’m hoping he’ll do the funny voice again, because that was easily the best thing about Breakfast At Tiffany’s. I think one of the Hepburns was in that too. Can’t remember which one, but I got the set if you know what I mean!

Apr 6th Dear old Mickey Rooney’s died.  It was thanks to him that I got my big break in Apache Chaps! There was a scene where Rooney’s character had to open a tin of biscuits but they were on a high shelf and poor Mickey just couldn’t reach them. Ever the trouper he went for another take and tried it on tip toes, but it was still no good. But Mickey’s loss was my gain and the rest as they say is history. I think they were custard creams.

Apr 18th Sat next to lovely Russell Crowe at the Noah premiere and when I woke up again at the end he said all my scenes had been cut!  I thought they would’ve at least kept in the line when I told Noah ‘you can’t park that thing here’, but the studio were desperate to get it down to under three and a half hours and yours truly ended up on the cutting room floor. It’s Apocolypse Now all over again. And Laurence of Arabia. And Gone With The Wind.

For more of Sir Edwin FLUFFER, be a peach and Click Here.

 

5 FILMS WHICH WOULD BE BETTER WITH A COMEDY GIRAFFE

HOLLYWOOD – How many times have you been watching a good film almost ruined by the absence of a comedy giraffe?

Hundreds? Thousands? Even millions! Well, the Studio Exec FACT squad has been out in force with pencils and pieces of paper and have created a list of five films which would have been improved somewhat by the simple addition of a comedy giraffe.

1. Interstellar: Sure the visuals were stunning. Yes the black holes in the plot were irritating. Of course Anne Hathaway could occasionally change expression. But what ultimately brought many viewers of Christopher Nolan’s IMAX spectacular down to earth with a bump was the complete absence of an African even toed ungulate mammal with a wise cracking sense of humor. Scenes of action and tension could have been leavened with the humor of seeing a giraffe floating around in zero gravity, perhaps repeating the catch phrase in a comedy Brooklyn accent, ‘How did I get here?’ That’d even make Matthew McConaughey smile.

2. Whiplash: Yes CK Simmons gives an Oscar worthy performance. Yes Miles Teller is fastly emerging as on of the most interesting acting talents of his generation. But why couldn’t this tale of an obsessive jazz musician student locked in a poisonous relationship with his sadistic perfectionist teacher have included a pet giraffe that the student would have to keep in his New York apartment, despite his landlord’s strict ‘No Pets’ policy? Don’t have an answer? Neither do we.

3. Lucy: Luc Besson’s stupid action film starring Scarlett Johansson as a drug’s courier who accidentally becomes God, would have been improved by almost anything else happening. Given that, why not a comedy giraffe, who in a piece of cunning meta-comedy mistakes ‘Lucy’ for Scarlett Johansson, the star of We Bought a Zoo?

4. Noah: This Russell Crowe vehicle had giraffes, but they were as glum as he was in this glum fantasy drivel derived from some book called ‘The Bible’. There was no joking about with them, no amusing slapstick with droppings and finally Darren Aronofsky really dropped the ball when he forget to make them speak!

5. Madagascar: Now, I know what you’re going to say. Surely there was a comedy giraffe in Madagascar, the DreamWorks animated movie that was a hit with all the family. It starred Ben Stiller and Chris Rock as Alex and Marty but Melman the ‘comedy giraffe’ was voiced by David Schwimmer, thus nullifying any of the comic potential. The whole venture will have to go down in the history books as a noble effort, ballsed up by the dull one from Friends.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here.

NOAH: NOTES FOR GOD

HOLLYWOOD – On the release of Darren Aronofjy’s Noah, the Studio Exec has some notes for the original author.

Dear God (or the Creator as you prefer to be known),

I’ve just seen your film Noah and I have some notes. 

1. You make no sense. You mumble more than Marlon Brando. You seem to communicate with your main man with the same fast-cutting technique that Darren Aronofsky used to show drug addiction in Requiem for a Dream, and with similarly disastrous consequences. These visions are MTV cool (well done) but liable to misinterpretation by a sad eyed psychopath and his family of Nazi vegetarians.

2. As an actress Emma Watson is a great Hermione Granger. Anthony Hopkins has lost a lot of weight since I lost saw him, but his character also seems to have lost the plot. First he has a magic sword, then he doesn’t. Hangs about a mountain, drinks tea, tries his hand at some amateur gynecology? He isn’t a character, he’s a Swiss army plot device. And Ray Winstone is portentous donkey plop.

3. Well done for the Biblical correction apple to pomegranate, but less well done with the stone trolls from Middle Earth.

 4. The CGI looks like Tubal Cain did it. Steve Carrell had a more convincing ark-full. And if you send all the animals to sleep – for nine months – doesn’t … don’t they … I mean… what? And why is everyone dressed in Apocalypse by Diesel? 

Finally, ignore everything I’ve just said. I’m glad the film is stupidly silly, utterly unconvincing and comically foolish. The morality of the film is so disgustingly wrong that if the film was in any way convincing, moving or interesting, there’d be a danger that someone other than the deluded cavemen of fundamentalism might take it seriously. The eco-bollocks simply reminded me that Hitler was a Vegetarian. 

I can’t believe how radically wrong this film is. We spend the whole time worrying about poor Noah and his mental health. Imagine if we had a similar rendering of any other genocidal story – a Rwandan village chief, Pol Pot, a Gulag guard, a concentration camp executioner – and the main thrust was how sorry we should feel for the killer because of the damage that his cruel (but necessary) work does to his family life and his psychological well being. 

Noah felt like what the murderers of The Act of Killing would have produced had they been granted a Hollywood budget. So thank the lord (I suppose that’s you) it’s so bad as to be almost beneath serious consideration.

Yours Sincerely,

Studio Exec

DELUGE OF WEATHER PUNS FOLLOWING NOAH RELEASE

HOLLYWOOD – As a direct result of the release of Darren Aronofsky’s Noah, bloggers, film reviewers and journalists have been inundating us with their best weather puns.

Already predicted to sink or swim, the film is also like to flood marketplaces, rain on the opposition and news that Exodus is already in production means that when it comes to Biblical epics, it never rains but it pours. There are thundering performances even if some of the dialogue is windy, Anthony Hopkins a bit drizzly and the plot itself long-winded. 
Veteran film journalist Hammers Hammerstein said: 

A ‘deluge’ (oh God) like this I’ve not seen since the long running Marathon Man debacle of 1976. We just all sit around thinking of puns we’ve been saving for a rainy day. Jesus Christ. I can’t stop!

 As the clouds clear and the waters fall, the puns are expected to clear up in the late afternoon, early evening in time for the new version of Annie which promises ‘the sun will come out, tomorrow’. 

Noah is a fictional character, any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.

POPE FRANCIS HAS CAMEO IN NOAH

VATICAN CITY – It was revealed today that Pope Francis – who recently overtook Martin Sheen in GQ‘s World’s Sexiest Catholic poll – will also be making his acting début: a small speaking role in the forthcoming Darren Aronofsky film Noah.

The audition happened impromptu during a special Papal audience, which Aronofsky and the film’s star Russell Crowe had explicitly requested. Aronofsky explained:

Pope Francis is just a wonderful person, and very funny. He had seen an early cut of the film and he said he loved it so much he wanted to be in it. We all laughed, but then he suddenly went very quiet and the translator explained he really wanted to be in the film. 

The astonished film maker and Australian were led into a side chamber, complete with green screen, filming equipment and costumes. Pope Francis reappeared wearing animal skins.

The pontiff had already memorized his lines. We ran through the scene and then he did it a couple of times. He was very good at taking direction, surprisingly. But he does have quite a strong Argentine accent but Russell phoned Ridley Scott and we’re going to get Cameron Diaz in to do some ADR.

A Vatican spokesperson confirmed that the Pope does have a speaking role in the film:  

Although small, his part is pivotal to the action. Mr. Crowe is about to get on the Ark and they have all the animals and the doors close just as His Holiness turns up with a pair of unicorns. He turns to them and says “It’s okay, Betsy and Ralph. We’ll catch the next one.” It is going to be very amusing and the fact that it’s the Pope…. Ha!  

Noah will be released soon enough. 

RUSSELL CROWE COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET

HOLLYWOOD – After years of hiding in the closet, Maximus himself, Russell Crowe, sensationally revealed to the Studio Exec he has been a practicing heterosexual for 33 years.

“Strewth. What can I say cobbers. I love the vagina,” said a confessional Crowe:

It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning.  As I’m eating my morning cereal I see vaginas swirling in my milk.  If I’m working that day on a scene I’ll read the words and it looks like I’m concentrating, but all the while I’m thinking of vaginas. After that it’s lunch, vaginas. Then another scene; vaginas, dinner, vaginas, then I’m off to the pub for a manly beer and hopefully, some vagina. By the time I get home I’m exhausted but hey, you’re never too tired for vagina, mate.

Pressed into confirming if he was aware of any other heterosexual actors in the industry too afraid to reveal their sexuality. Crowe nodded:

There are lots of us. Of course, I can’t reveal any names, that wouldn’t be fair because some of them haven’t even told their families yet.

Asked why it had taken him so long to come out of the closet. Crowe was candid:

Well it’s no secret there’s a lot heterophobia in Hollywood. If you’re a young actor trying to climb the slippery pole of stardom and at your first casting session you say you’re straight. Well, let’s just say you better get used to waiting tables because you’re never going to get anywhere in this business but now that I’m established I thought it was my duty to come so other people might follow my lead.

Just as we were about to close the interview we told Russell that rumors had started on twitter that George Clooney was also about to come out as a hetero:
“Clooney?” said an amused Crowe.

Ha-Ha-Ha. That’s bloody funny,mate.

Russell Crowe will be next seen in Noah.

ARONOFSKY: NOAH IS ACTUALLY WE BOUGHT A ZOO PREQUEL

 HOLLYWOOD – Darren Aronofsky has explicitly stated for the first time that his new film Noah actually started life as a prequel to the Cameron Crowe 2011 classic We Bought a Zoo.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Aronofsky seemed extremely excited about his new film:

We’ve done a good job. I mean I had to shoot around Russell’s performance a great deal, but Hermione put in a decent day or two and Ray Winstone is really cheap. 

Talking about the origins of the project, the Black Swan director had this to say:

It started off as a prequel to We Bought a Zoo. Cameron was toying with the idea. He had something …  a very early draft. It might even have just been a treatment. Anyway, he asked me to have a pass at it and I said, “Okay but what if we go back in time. Who was the first father who kinda accidentally/on purpose bought a zoo?” And just like that it came to both of us at exactly the same time: Noah!!!

He continues:

Well, then after I had that as my starting point, the script just flew out. It was so easy!

Noah will be released in 2014. 

 

NASA BRAND ARONOFKSY’S NOAH ‘INACCURATE’

HOUSTON – After the furore over Gravity, NASA have weighed in again on the accuracy of Darren Aronofsky’s new Biblical epic, Noah starring Russell Crowe and Anthony Hopkins.

Following a special preview of the film, NASA took the unusual step of writing a letter to the Black Swan director which they accidentally on purpose CC-ed to us here at Studio Exec. Here it is in full: 

Hey Dazzers!

 

 Sorry, we mean Mr. Aronofsky. It’s late here at Mission Control and we’ve been smoking Blue Dream. Really quite excellent, if you can get… wait who are we telling? You made The Fountain and you don’t know Blue Dream? Yeah right!?

Anyhoo, can we say we are all big fans of your films, especially of Pi and The Wrestler (Black Swan not so much, but you know). We got an opportunity to watch Noah – what with the Shuttle program effectively mothballed we’re setting up as freelance film critics – and we have some thoughts.


1. Universal flood: WHAT? I mean, come on. There’s no evidence for any such flood. It just couldn’t happen. Didn’t happen. So that’s basically the whole of your film hitting the Bullshit Button straight away.

2. Ark: we’re not convinced that this is a credible solution. The weight of biomass would sink any boat that existed in that period, or this period for that matter.

 3. Animals: Two by two makes sense logistically, but it is too small a sample to ensure survival. And there are very big hygiene issues.What about incidences of infertility/sterility? Also keeping different livestock in such close proximity is just asking for a bird flu outbreak. Literally asking for it. 

4. Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly in the same film. Very good call Mr. Aronofsky. No complaints there. 

Okay, that’s all from us. We can’t sit around fact checking films all day. Candy Crush isn’t going to play itself you know.  
Lots of love

NASA

NOAH WAY OUT: OUR ON LOCATION REPORT

ICELAND – When famous loony Darren Aronofsky announced that his follow up to Black Swan would be a Biblical epic called Noah starring Russell Crowe as the unicorn-hating and wine-inventing weatherman, many people said, “No! Jesus, is he high?” and then after a moment’s consideration the same people said, “I suppose he did make The Fountain, so anything is possible.”

Rumours have been abounding for months but now Studio Exec can reveal how filming is progressing with this exclusive on location report.

It is a still, clear morning. Early and cold and we’re in Iceland. Russell Crowe is having his beard attached with specially imported Japanese dolphin glue and relaxes by throwing his telephone at his PA.

“Come on cobber,” he growls. “Stop crying and throw it back.”

Aronofsky blunders into the trailer with the shot list and some last minute suggestions.

 
“G’day mate,” says Darren, who was told as a joke that Russell only speaks Australian, and took it seriously. “Shrimps … barbie …etc.”
 
Outside the set is complete. A massive boat looms in the milky light of dawn. The lights are ready and the extras assemble in costume and then inevitably come the animals, led by their trainers and handlers, animals taken from all over the world. A menagerie, a zoo, a circus. A lot of animals.

“Lots of the hot climate animals died, but it’s worth it,” says Emma Watson. “I mean we can get more tigers, but Darren’s films are genuinely endangered.”
 
Watson jumped at the chance to do the part. “I know people think of me as Sam from Perks of Being a Wallflower, but I hope this will give me the chance to leave that Perks of Being a Wallflower thing behind. I’m grateful to Perks of Being a Wallflower for making me who I am today and making me world famous, but I want to be known as a serious actress. And maybe after I finish this film I’ll find a film that will give me my chance.”
 
Jennifer Connelly, who plays Emma’s mother, sits in her chair, her head in her hands, weeping inconsolably. She quickly wipes away her tears and makes out nothing is the matter as I approach. “How is it working with the animals?” I ask.
 
“Fantastic,” she says, sniffling as Aronofsky and Crowe approach and the set goes quiet. “The monkeys stand for honesty,” She continues, smiling weakly. “The giraffes are insincerity.”
 
“And the elephants are kindly but they’re dumb,” interjects Aronofsky.

“Orang-Utans are sceptical of changes in their cages,” adds Watson knowingly. “And the zoo keeper is very fond of rum.”
 
“Zebras are reactionaries,” Crowe suddenly bursts into song (something I had been warned about). “Antelopes are missionaries, pigeons trade in secrecy and hamsters turn on frequently.”
 
Suddenly the crew and the extras and I could swear some of the animals are chorusing, “What a gas! you gotta come and see, At the Zoo, At the Zoo! At the Zoo!”
 
Massive crescendo.
 
“And cut,” shouts Aronofsky exuberantly. “Print it.”   

Noah is slated for release in 2014.

BORN FREE REMAKE ‘WILL FEATURE MONKEYS’

NAIROBI – Plans to remake Born Free – the 1966 film about the raising of lion cub Elsa by Joy and George Adamson in a Kenya reservation – have been in the pipeline for well over forty years, but it looks that Michael Mann is the … well … man for the job. But he is introducing differences which might upset fans of the original.
The LA Takedown director said:

Jesus Christ, I love animals. Big ones, small ones. I love ’em. I was in line to direct Noah and then that asshole Aronofsky got in ahead of me. 

The first film was based on a book and a true story that featured the actual protagonists, now sadly no longer with us, how do you plan to recreate the story?

What I want to do is be true to the spirit of the original, so the first thing that has to go is the lions. They’re too dangerous. They scare fifty shades of living color out of me. So we’re going to change them to monkeys. I mean, who doesn’t love a monkey? 

But won’t that… doesn’t that change everything?

Does it? Yeah, I suppose. What? Everyone loves monkeys. We’re going to put them in glasses and make them really funny.