REVIEW – With the long anticipated domestic release of No Time To Die, we tell you if you should like it or not. Read our review now to decide how you feel about No Time To Die. Tell your family, tell your friends they have to read this. They are incapable of independent thought.
No Time To Die
Clocking in at a bum-numbing 4 hours and 52 minutes, No Time To Die is the longest film in the James Bond franchise. But it’s still way shorter than Marvel’s Endgame and that made a shit load of money, so swings and roundabouts.
No Time To Eye-Eye
The starting sequence is a thrill ride of action packed references to previous Bond films. There’s a motorized Gondola chase, a racist red-neck Sheriff and a Zombie Judi Dench turns up to bend Pierce Brosnan over a desk to fist him as he squeals his way through The Winner Takes It All by ABBA.
No Time To I-Spy
The titles aint what they used to be. Long-gone are the days of naked women covered in fluorescent paint. And Duran-Duran warbling over the top, like adolescent Republicans at a Karaoke bar. These titles take themselves seriously, as does the theme song. Can anyone remember what the theme song sounds like? I can’t, and I’ve just watched the film. There are lots of musical references to previous Bond films. Alice Cooper’s Man With The Golden Gun theme is in there, as is Radiohead’s Skyfall theme. There’s also a reworking of the James Bond theme, played on guitar by Jimmy Page which lasts even longer than the film.
Dr No Character Development
The villain does a wonderful version of Crazy Little Thing Called Love from his glamorous evil hideout and Daniel Craig looks like a baked potato in a tuxedo. He’s ugly, but you’d still smother him in sour cream and push him into your face. But who cares about all of this because it’s Bond. So if you like Bond, you’ll go see it and if you don’t like Bond, you won’t go and see it. Either way it doesn’t matter. There’s far too much money to be made out of these things regardless of what we say or do.
No Time To Die Is Showing Somewhere Within 20 Yards Of You
HOLLYWOOD – To coincide with the long awaited Bond film No Time To Die, The Exec takes a look back at James Bond’s more racist moments during the franchise’s history. Much has been done recently to address these issues. But what makes our top five racist Bond moments and why are they so awful?
Five Racist Bond Moments #5 – Octopussy
The India set entry of the Bond series is packed full of moments that make you cringe and wince. But the low point must surely be when Roger Moore’s Bond has won some money playing Backgammon. He tips the guy stood next him and says, ‘That should keep you in curry for a few weeks.’ What a dick.
Five Racist Bond Moments #4 – From Russia With Love
The ‘Gypsy’ camp sequence does nothing to advance attitudes towards the Romani community. The women are portrayed as wild eyed objects used only for sex or cooking (the ever-present Bond misogyny) and the men are disposable fodder for Bond’s white savior who must be protected at all costs. Not a good look.
Five Racist Bond Moments #3 – You Only Twice
Bond’s transformation into a Japanese man is eye watering in its racism. According to the Roald Dahl penned script (let’s not go down that road) it’s easy to ‘become Japanese’. All you have to do is remove your body hair, put on a wig (must have been hot under all those wigs), stoop and shuffle around. Don’t worry about your thick Scottish accent. You can always just shoot anyone who questions you. Job done.
Five Racist Bond Moments #2 – Live And Let Die (All Of It)
Getting in on the Blaxploitation trend of the time was never going to work for Bond. From Harlem’s Mr Big to San Monique and the horrific ‘voodoo’ scenes. They play on almost every conceivable racist stereotype available about the African American and Caribbean communities at the time. The Bond writers and producers did not get Roger Moore’s tenure in the tuxedo off to a great start. And that trend was going to continue.
And Racist Bond Moment #1 Is… – The Man With The Golden Gun (All Of It)
In Roger Moore’s second outing, Bond is basically a racist sex tourist on holiday in South East Asia. His mission: To fuck and offend every nation and culture he happens across, with extreme prejudice. So with the subtlety of a flying brick, he takes the piss out of names for wine, raises eyebrows at subservient hotel porters and displays tendencies for predatory stalking of naked girls in pools with ridiculous names. If the Carry On team had been given a multi-million dollar budget, they would have made this film. It’s truly a low point for the franchise because ‘comic’ relief comes yet again in the form of uber-racist Sheriff, J W Pepper. Thankfully, the writers and producers have come a long way. Long may it continue to improve, because we love a bit of Bond. Just not when he’s not being a racist dick.
No Time To Die Is Finally Out In UK Cinemas This Week
BREAKING NEWS – Ending months of speculation, EON productions and Barbara Broccoli have confirmed a James Bond spinoff movie is set to go into production shortly. The James Bond spinoff movie will tell the story of ‘The Bottle Man’, the guy who witnesses various crazy James Bond stunts around the world in several Bond films. The Exec caught up with Barbara Broccoli to find out more on this surprising project.
Barbara, Why Did You Choose The Bottle Man As Your First Bond Spinoff?
We knew everyone would be expecting us to go with a female double-0 kinda vibe. So we thought it would be cool to go in a direction nobody would be expecting. There’s a whole raft of female led action movies out there now, with Black Widow, Atomic Blonde and the upcoming Furiosa thing. Therefore the market’s flooded. We thought let’s expand the JBU (James Bond Universe) in terms of genre. That’s when we came up with the idea of going with a character driven, arthouse picture. The Bottle Man is the perfect choice to explore what drives men to drink and become toxic assholes. No one’s done that before.
Can You Explain Who The Bottle Man Is?
He was a guy who briefly appeared double-taking when Bond emerges from the sea in his Lotus on The Spy Who Loved Me. He then did the same when Bond is in that fucking motorized Gondola during Moonraker. He also turns up during the ski and bike chase in For Your Eyes Only. This is a guy who spends his time on some pretty expensive holidays, but he’s always drinking. We wanted to explore what drives him to drink.
How Do You Intend To Do That?
We’re going to tell his stories leading up to and including those encounters. It’ll be a trilogy, one encounter for each movie. It’s like our version of Kieslowski’s Trois Couleurs Trilogy. Think Bond meets Bukowski and you can’t go far wrong.
Who Is Playing The Bottle Man?
Jean Dujardin. We figured he owes us after making a killing on those fucking OSS-117 movies. We couldn’t even Kevin McLory his ass in court. So we figured, if you can’t beat them, give them a shit ton of dough to do your own stuff. That fucker took the bait. No more OSS, that’s for sure.
The Bottle Man Part 1 Starts Filming In The New Year
BREAKING NEWS – In a shock turnaround, internet fandom has done a complete 180 degree swivel as the Blonder Bond website launches. Bond fans around the world have flocked to the site as the Blonder Bond website launches its campaign for an even blonder James Bond after Daniel Craig hangs up the tuxedo. The Exec spoke exclusively with the website’s owners, who wish to remain anonymous.
Guys, thanks for joining us for this anonymous interview.
Guys? That’s a bit assumptive. We could be women or non-binary. You don’t know.
You’ve launched a website demanding who they cast as Bond in the next film. You’re 100% male.
Yeah, ok. Fair enough.
So, tell us about the website.
We were the ones behind the DanielCraigIsNotBond.com website. The tide seems to have turned against us a little. So we decided to launch another website to make sure the next Bond is even blonder. Really ramp up the blonde.
How Do You Respond To Claims That This Kind Of Fandom Is Toxic?
Who the fuck said that? Gimme their names and their twitter handles. I’ll set up a website and twitter campaign to fuck their shit right up. Bastards. Umm… what I meant to say was, not at all. I just want to engage with my film fan community and express my love for these films.
What Did You Think Of Quantum Of Solace?
If I ever hear anyone say anything good about that film, they’re dead to me. They are obviously wrong about everything they have ever posted about. They know nothing about films. Particularly James Bond films. Hah! I bet they think Roger Moore was too old to play Bond towards the end. Idiots.
What Do You Think About The Release The Snyder Cut Campaign?
Those liberal minded assholes? They were far too willing to bend to the will of the consensus. Dicks.
Who Do You Think Should Play The Next James Bond?
Pierce Brosnan in a blonde wig. Tarantino to direct.
No Time To Die Is Out In The UK At The End Of The Month
BREAKING NEWS – International spoiler law passed unanimously by the UN will be enforceable in every nation in the world. The maximum punishment will be not only be death but also online cancellation.
International spoiler law passed and not before time
With the advent of social media, douchebags everywhere were free to post all about Keyser Soze and Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense (nobody knows his character’s name, not even him) and boy, did they. But things really came to a head last year when media outlets started printing stories with spoilers about the upcoming Bond film, No Time To Die.
No Time To Spoil
With spoilers flying around the internet, Twitter collectively shat its digital pants and the UN had to step in. And so international law makers around the world began drafting the aptly titled Spoiler Bill. Details of the bill were leaked onto Twitter and Facebook, which enraged spoiler sensitive millennials everywhere.
Death by cancellation
The law states the crime of publishing and sharing spoilers will be punishable by death, the guilty are to be digitally cancelled. This means the guilty will have all traces of their online presence removed and it will be a crime in itself to utter or use their names on any social media platform.
Free Guy spoilers
Even as the bill was being passed at the UN, the Ryan Reynolds blockbuster, Free Guy fell victim of this heinous crime. The film has a brief cameo which has been spoiled by certain killjoy media outlets. The commissioning editors, writers and CEOs of the media groups involved have all been rounded up and will stand trial.
We’ll round them up, put ‘em in a field, and BOMB THE BASTARDS!
With the Chief UN Prosecutor, Daphne Cromwell leading the case, she had this to say about the Free Guy spoilers. “We love our international spoiler-free community and it has been abused by these people. And because we will not go quietly into the night, these people will pay with their actual and digital lives. Once we catch these criminals they will be de-rezzed. End of line.”
KEVIN SPACEY IS KEYSER SOZE, BRUCE WILLIS IS A GHOST AND TONY STARK DIES. DEAL WITH IT.
HOLLYWOOD – The Exec talks exclusively with Barbara Broccoli about James Bond.
Barbara Broccoli, producer of the James Bond films talked with The Studio Exec on a very revealing Zoom call.
– Hello? Barbara? Can you point your camera upwards please? All I can see is the white cat on your lap.
‘Zat will not be possible, I am afraid. You will look at my cat, Blofeld. You will see his face only, you will not see my face, muahahahaha.’
– Um, ok. But, anyway Barbara, thank you so much for agreeing to talk with me.
‘You are most welcome, Meester Exec. It is always a pleasure talking to such a… deestinguished gentleman with taste and deescretion, muahahahaha.’
– Thank you. If you don’t mind me saying, Barbara, I didn’t realise you spoke with such a mysterious, non-specific Eastern European accent?
‘You must be careful, number 2, because many people have said zis before and not many have lived to tell za tale.‘
– Are you able to confirm the final release date for No Time To Die?
‘Yes, number 2, I can. It will be released in 2025, but only after we have cast, shot and released the next Bond film. As a result, will we finally be rid of dat damned Daniel Craig and his most excellent Meester Bond, muahahahahah.’
– Why do you want to keep us from seeing Daniel Craig’s final film as Bond?
‘Because it is too good. For years, I masterminded za demise of Meester Bond with Piz Bronzan and his smarmy, tongue in cheek comedy. As a result I had Basil Fawlty as R, a silly inveesible car and surfing a god damned tsunami! That was really sheet, muahahahahah.’
‘Then we make Casino Royale and people pay millions because of Craig in his sexy swimming cosy. They pay millions because of his muscles and good acting. As a result, he insists on Sam bloody Mendes to make the films and they are actually good. Eet makes me sick, so I am taking control back and I will make them sheet again. Muahahahahahahahahah.’
No Time To Die will be released at some point, perhaps.
HOLLYWOOD – A James Bond spoiler leaked onto the internet, causing fans to express anger and consternation.
The James Bond spoiler leaked by several news outlets online a few days ago, caused fans of the much loved franchise to go ape shit.
‘Because I don’t wanna know anything before I illegally download it.’ One fan of the spy movies raged. ‘I’ll decide if I wanna pay to see it in the cinema. I ain’t made of bloody money. These journalists sit there, in their ivory towers. Which, by the way is illegal to trade in. So they’re assholes for that also. They decide what we read about in articles they write and what we don’t! It’s outrageous.’
No Time To Die had its release date pushed back by the Corona virus lockdown. This has led to dramatic secret rewrites and reshoots. James Bond will no longer face reanimated super villain, Freddie Mercury. Because of lockdown, he faces redundancy after being furloughed for months on end. James sat at home trolling jealous husbands, outraged chefs and humiliated tailors on Twitter. Because of this, M played by Tim Bernard Lee (the inventor of the internet), has no choice but to let him go and Bond takes up a position as a security guard at his local Waitrose.
‘Because of this change of scene for Bond, we can take the franchise in a whole new and exciting direction.’ Said long term Bond producer, Barbara Broccoli. ‘Therefore, we can start great new product placement partnerships. In place of the Aston Martin, we have entered a new deal for Bond to drive a Scoda Octavia, it’s great on mileage and soon they’re bringing out a hybrid, kerching! Following on from this, Bond will no longer drink Vodka Martinis, but cans of Stella, smoke Benson and Hedges fags and eat microwave burgers. The fans will love it.’
As Bond stalks the aisles of the upmarket store, he stumbles upon a plot to change the sell by dates in Meat and Dairy. His nemesis, store manager Terry Soldfinger joins forces with the trolley-boy henchmen. The excitement’s off the scale as they attempt the cover up the scandal. Therefore making sure the upcoming stock check goes smoothly and wastage kept to a minimum. This could be Bond’s toughest mission yet. With his license to ’till’ not signed off, Bond goes rogue. Therefore ensuring the customers receive the freshest produce, reducing in-store complaints.
Because of this change in plot, Eon Productions announced a change to the title of 25th installment in the spy franchise.
No Time To Fry is released in November later this year.