THE SECRET ACTOR WRITES…

HOLLYWOOD – The Secret Actor is a new blog written by an Oscar nominated actor who still lives and works in Los Angeles in the film industry but wishes to write in a state of anonymity so he can fearlessly lift the lid on the industry and spill the beans on Hollywood.

Hi, I’m Josh Brolin and I’d like to tell you about how … wait a second. Let me start this again. I’m the Secret Actor. I am working in Hollywood and have done so ever since I was a kid. Hell, I kind of grew up on screen you might say. There are lots of secrets that I could tell and under the shield of anonymity and with no fear of litigation, I finally have the opportunity, thanks to my good friend, the Studio Exec, to do so.

When I was filming No Country for Old Men with the Coen Brothers, they came up to me… Sheet. Goddamn it. What I meant to say was when I was filming a film with … two directors … who might have been brothers, but I don’t know, it might have been The Lego Movie, because that has two directors. Anyhow, when I was in that film they came up to me and they said, ‘Josh, we want you to try it another way.’ ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘How would you like me to do it?’

‘Well,’ said Ethan. ‘We’d like you to turn towards the window and…’

‘Mr. Brolin, here’s your hotdog,’ said a runner, handing me the hotdog. Don’t go thinking that’s a clue to my identity. I know lots of people who eat hotdogs.

‘Go on,’ I told the director.

‘And smile sadly.’

Hmmm. I thought about it as I munched. I nodded because I’m quite well-mannered and I don’t speak with my mouth full. And no. I’m not Roger Moore.

We did the scene and I followed what the director had suggested. They seemed happy with the scene and we went on to the next set up. I felt bad that I hadn’t asked more questions. I wasn’t sure if I had perhaps acquiesced too readily in their version of the story. What about me I thought as I drove back to the hotel? What about my vision? But when I saw the finished film I noticed that I looked great turning to the window and smiling sadly. So it was a good thing that I had done this. It taught me an important lesson. Listen to the directors.

Oh, and don’t eat hot dogs. I had dysentery that night.

More Secret Actor Writes… soon.

 

SICARIO – REVIEW

SICARIO – REVIEW: Denis Villeneuve’s cross border thriller is a dark, complex investigation into the front line of the drug war.

Emily Blunt plays Kate Macer, a Police officer who graduates from kicking in doors to join a special task force led by Josh Brolin’s amoral agent Matt. Matt is unconventional and so is his squad. The flipflop wearing dudester is obviously into rule breaking, with some kind of blessing from on high and we’re prepared for a classic Hollywood narrative as the young straight laced rookie learns to bend the rules to get results, getting a little crooked on the way. But like many things with Sicario, expectations are raised only to be subverted. Lines are crossed as well as borders as the team motor into a Mexico town to collect a potential witness, a  thundering convoy into a hellish Mexican town is executed with brutal excitement, an almost documentary immersion into the world.  A fog of compromise and doubt pervades the movie, which each character tries to cut through in their own way. The half-light of the Mexico-US border is caught by Roger Deakins amazing cinematography that imbues proceedings with a the kind of badlands noir that No Country for Old Men hinted at.

Another member of the squad is the apparently stateless  Alejandro, played by a magnificent Benico Del Toro. No one is sure where he comes from or what his relationship is to the cartels, or what his legal role is. And he glowers with the kind of dark history of a dead man walking, an instrument of darkness who Matt employs but never truly controls. Former TV actor Taylor Sheridan has crafted a screenplay that provides the sort of grim fare that made the Seventies brilliant and Emily Blunt does her best to maintain her calm even as the film veers away from her and into much darker territory. By the end we don’t really know where we are and for the first time, I was genuinely looking forward to the Blade Runner sequel.

For more Reviews, CLICK HERE.

TOMMY LEE JONES SMILES

HOLLYWOOD – Amazing news just in: We are receiving unconfirmed reports that Tommy Lee Jones has smiled.

Apparently the veteran actor of The Fugitive and No Country for Old Men  was walking his fifteen year old Rottweiler, Methuselah when he saw a little old lady on the other side of the street walking along. This did nothing to the famous granite visage, but then he noticed that some careless citizen had left a banana skin right in the old lady’s path. The corners of the Man in Black’s mouth twitched involuntarily. 

Careful not to stare, Mr. Jones halted for a moment. Pretending to scratch Methuselah behind the ear, he kept one of his squinty eyes on the old gal’s progress. She slowly approached the banana skin and was almost upon it when through the mist of her aged vision she must have caught sight of the yellow peril.

As quick as she could – her foot was already raised – she took evasive action stepping into the road where she was hit by a speeding Cherokee Jeep and killed instantly. Tommy Lee Jones’ face broke into a broad happy smile, witnesses say many who ran immediately to film the moment on their phone cameras, even as the old lady – a Mrs Hampton of Detroit – bled out onto the asphalt.   Sadly, by the time the camera function had been chosen the moment of hilarity had passed and Mr Lee Jones had resumed his usual melancholy gaze. Tommy Lee Jones and Methuselah walked on without further comment or harassment.

Mrs Hampton leaves seven grandchildren, four children and her husband Ralph.

HBO PRODUCE: TOMMY LEE JONES’ LAUGH IN

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran actor and famous curmudgeon Tommy Lee Jones will star in, write and produce a series of thirty minute comedy programmes for HBO to be screened this September: Tommy Lee Jones’ Laugh In.

‘I want to bring a little sunshine into people’s lives,’ said the In the Valley of Elah star. ‘There’ll be me and a bunch of old buddies and we’re gonna horse around and crack wise. I suppose it’ll be funny. If not, what the heck! We’re gonna die eventually. Me sooner than you like as not.’

The No Country for Old Men star continued:

Michael Shannon’s comedy punch

People think I’m ornery. But I really am not. I just have the kind of face, when it relaxes, it looks melancholy. I have a real talent for comedy. If you watch Men in Black … actually that isn’t a great example. Well, look, once I was over at my mother’s house, this was 1978. And the whole family were sitting out on the porch passing the time in stoic – some might say hostility laced – silence when suddenly a little kitten was crossing the road just as the milk truck barrelled round the corner. It ran over the kitten, squashing it flat. ‘That’s Mrs Heels cat,’ says I. ‘I’ll take it over,’ says my brother. ‘If she ain’t in,’ says I. ‘You can just put her through the mail slot.’ The hollering and whooping could be heard way over in the next county.

Tommy Lee Jones will be joined by hapless comedy sidekick Michael ‘Laugh or I’ll Cave Your Face In’ Shannon – ‘he’s always getting into oafish scrapes’ – and Emily Watson from Breaking the Waves, who will have her own section entitled The Relentless Brutality of Life: ‘A series of monologues about Dachau and the like.’

Tommy Lee Jones’ Laugh In screens on the 21st of September, 2013. 

JOSH BROLIN ARRESTED FOR ORGANISING BOOZE UP IN BREWERY

HOLLYWOOD – Character actor and former American President Josh Brolin has been arrested on New Year’s Day following a tip off that there were rowdy noises coming from Darlington Beer Factory.

Mr. Brolin told the officers that they were great guys and he ‘really loved them, no, really with all my heart’.

The news will come as no shock to fans of Mr. Brolin who have loved him in films such as No Country for Old Men and W. Only last year he was arrested after his pet bear Enoch ‘defecated in a forestry area’ according to the citation. Before that he caused controversy by revealing that Pope Benedict the13th was secretly a practicant of the Catholic faith, an extreme Christian sect hell bent on convincing the world that Ewan MacGregor is worthwhile.